Teenage Son and How to Punish

What are the chances he could be depressed?? All this behavior, sounds like someone who has stopped caring. There has to be a reason for that. Have you considered counseling? I agree with punishments, but I'm wondering if it wouldn't help to also be proactive. Counseling can help everyone, if they let it. Maybe, he would eventually let it.

Have you seriously considered talking to him instead of punishing him? Have you tried to have him brainstorm solutions to what you see as the problems? Can both of you try to make a list of the problems and propose some solutions that he thinks can work? He is at an age where a relationship needs to be based upon more than punishment and the expectation of obedience. He is a full participant deserving of his point of view and an expectation of respect. You need for him to SEE that there is a problem and become invested in solving it. If not - there may not be a true long term relationship.

Where does he want to go to college? What does he want to do in life? He is old enough to understand what he needs to do to get to those places. I would try to be on his side and help him get there - not punish him into obeying. It must be horrible for him to know his dad doesn't want him. He needs to know you love him even when he is angry and frustrated and having all the awful feelings he must be having.

ALL kids lie and research supports that punishment does NOT work. (see http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=1122.... I was a really good kid - all As and all AP classes and yes, I lied sometimes and skipped school (rarely) - and I turned out fine. And while my parents did get mad and (once) grounded me - mostly they talked to me. And I think they did a great job with the three of us.

Hi B.,

You have my deepest and most sincere sympathy. Teenage years are the hardest years. They are so sure that they know everything and what they want to be most when they grow up is "not you." Whatever you want, they want the opposite. Whatever you stand for, they stand for the opposite. Whatever you like, they hate. On and on it goes ad nausium.

That means that you are going to have a fight on your hands regardless. I think you take it all away and then you set a very clear set of guidelines and goals for him. For instance:

100 % attendance in school, unless he is sick and YOU call him in
100 % homework turned in on time
Passing grades in every class
Chores done well and on time everyday

When he has accomplished these things then he gets his stuff back. It's not dependent upon the passage of time, but on how quickly he begins to live up to the standards you have set for him.

He will rail and kick and scream. He will be so mad that you have taken away his things and he will be so mad when he does just one of the things and you aren't doing the full salam and handing him back everything you took away. But, for it to work it has to be all or nothing and you can't afford to be soft hearted and give in too quickly or too easily.

Put standards into place and put the ball in his court to earn back what he has squandered.

Go for the jugular!

Any all electronics must go...and $...until the grades are pulled up to C's!

No internet, no phone, no Xbox, etc!

If you can, get the October 2011 issue of the "National Geographic" magazine.
This issue, is all about Teenagers and their brain development.
It is very, enlightening. And will be helpful.

Now, is he having any personal problems or family problems or friend/social problems?
And, who are his friends? Do you know them?
Does he have learning problems?
Have you just talked with him? Not in a lecturing way, but in a way just to chat... see what is going on in his life? Do you know???
Do you/his Dad, have a "relationship" with him, beyond just punishments and scoldings? And his father does not want to take him. That must really affect his heart... and emotions.

Can you get a Therapist for him?
He seems to have... a lot of emotions in him that are not being expressed, other than in negative ways.
Maybe he feels, no one understands him.... and that, can really "isolate" a Teen. And push them away.

Does he feel, 'accepted' by you or his family? Or is he just criticized and told what to do and what not to do?
Who IS he??? Do you know that?
Again, that goes back to having a 'relationship' with your child.

Does your son, have any interests or talents... that can be nurtured? Maybe he feels, nothing is up to him. And he doesn't seem to care.
Apathy.
Why?

Maybe, that fact that his Dad, does not want to take him... really is affecting him. And he is angry. For a child, that may feel like being thrown away and his Dad not caring enough about him???

Talk with him. A heart to heart. Trying not to lecture him or correct his feelings... but letting him say what he is feeling... try "connecting" with him.

Just some random thoughts/ideas.

Talk with your pastor and youth minister/leader. Yes let him go to the youth group acitivies, BUT only after the MALE church leaders have had a good talk with your son.

He is probably in a lot of pain IF he knows his own father won't have him.

I would take away ALL extras/privledges (except for church activities) until he's doing better in all areas including and especially treating you with respect and treating the family as family should be treated.

Strip his room down to the bare bones....mattress, pillow, blanket. Give him a glimpse of how life will be if he choses to continue on this path.

I would not hesitate to ask your local juvinile and/or local authorities to give him a tour of the facilities and see how that appeals to him.

If all else fails, perhaps there is a church family (with mother and father on site) that would be willing to have him stay on weekends. This will give you some breathing room.....don't give up mama....I do, personally, know what it's like to raise a son as a single mom.

Blessings....

I would have very specific expectations set out for him. Have no more than 5 expectations. They should be positively stated and observable (not objective in any way). When he demonstrates that he is able to meet these expectations on a consistent basis, he can have ONE item back. After a while, another item or priviledge.

Examples of positively stated behavioral goals:
Tyler will attend school every day for every period.
Tyler will complete his homework in the kitchen/dining room with supervision.
Tyler will turn in the homework for each class.
Tyler will get a weekly report from his teachers regarding classroom behavior and work completion.

Simple, clear, yes/no responses. Have the teachers email you at the end of the day or week with updates on his behavior and work completion. If it's been a good week, he can have his gaming system for a few hours on Friday and Saturday. If not, oh well. Tyler's fault.

He's still a child and you don't give up on your child, no matter how challenging the behavior. If you think there's more to it, have him see a counselor so that he has a neutral party to talk with. Regardless, he could be messing up his long-term career options by acting-out now. He knows this, but no matter how smart he is... failing grades won't get you out of HS let alone into college.

.

Someone posted a similar question on here a few days ago, about her son completing his homework but somehow neglecting to actually turn it in. The most popular answer was to start going to school with him, sit with him in every class, at lunch, and basically follow him around and be with him every step of the way. At no time is he allowed out of your sight. He can go to a friend's house, but you go with him. You go with him to his church youth group. Then there is no way for him to skip school and not complete homework assignments. If this is doable, even if it means taking a week off from work, he might decide that having Mom tag along with him all the time is not worth it and start deciding to do something about his grades. And I agree - no electronics, no game system, no cell phone, no distractions or excuses.

You can also consider some kind of professional counseling, maybe he needs his dad more in his life. But my stepsons live out of state and sometimes pull that "I want to go live with Dad" card with their mom once in a while, usually when they are not getting along. We tell them they are welcome to come live with us anytime, but it ends up being a bluff and they never decide to actually follow through.

Huge hugs!!! Im just starting to enter this with my 15yr old. ( posted a question on how to handle him earlier). I really wish I had an answer... But all I can offer is a hug and an ear if you ever need to vent! PM me anytime if you ever need to vent!

Wow...I had one of those teenagers many years ago. I came home from work early one day and he was at home. He said there was a bomb threat at school. I called of course there wasn't any bomb threat. I just took all his antics day by day and never gave up. He graduated and joined the Army...was a paratrooper, went to Iraq...and now a Deputy Sheriff....AND he ties my shoes for me cause I can't bend over due to back surgrey....it Will get better!

Darn that age group! I'm sorry....not to make light of it. I would let him go to church youth group, but that's it. If he's so he** bent on not going to school and lying, and being a rebellious teen, then you can tell him since he can't act his age, then you will walk him to school, and to each class with his friends watching to make sure he's going to school and doing his classwork and homework. If he wants to act irresponsible, then he can be treated as a toddler that don't know any better.

Have you ever watched that show Strict Parents? Something to that affect...anyway...since he's got so much energy behind that rebellion, perhaps he can put his energy to good use at a volunteer shelter to help serve food to homeless people, help clean up, or perhaps take him to volunteer at a children's hospital. I would put him to work.

Well those are some ideas for you. I wish I had more. Hope things work out soon for you all. Nipping this in the bud now is crucial.

As a teacher, I have always been amazed at kids who have their work done but don't turn it in. An entire room of kids turning in work, but one of them doesn't notice the commotion that entails. Still baffles me.

Having just reread you Q, I wonder if he is refusing to turn in HW, or is he refusing to complete his HW in the first place. It's probably that. I've heard of parents successfully getting their children to be required to attend detention (after school and/or Saturday) so that their HW gets finished.

I am also AMAZED that an AP class doesn't require homework!!! Usually an
AP class requires double the homework, with extra requirements on both reading and writing. Wow! I'd talk to the teacher about that one to see whether that is true. Perhaps he has a source for getting HW completed for him in that class.

To the issue at hand, I'd double up on some posters' advice already given: look into depression; keep working at having a conversation with him so that you can be his confidant, rather than moving towards punishment for the sake of punishment; remember that the teenage years are a time they are starting to separate from parents, and some do not go through the process in a way that is safe and useful to themselves; work to find a male role model who lives in the vicinity, perhaps his church youth leader; get him into counseling, if he will allow it, which tends to be less likely when boys are involved.

It may be hard to establish new norms for the house, such as no electronics in your room, no cell phone, et al. For me, based on what I've heard from parents, I will be establishing no cell phone in the room after I go to sleep and no TV/games in the room (I'm going to try no games at all. My kid is five, and I'm still working out the details). Remember, with X-box, cell phones and the internet, your child is leaving the house even while he is physically in your home.

I would also establish that the parent needs to know where the child is at all times. I've heard of parents requiring a check-in phone call from the phone of parents with whom a teen spends the night.

I've also heard of parents taking and picking up their children for all out-of-the-home events. Would not allow other children/teens drive their child anywhere. That way, you know where the kid is, you know when the kids is returning home, and you know whether or not the driver has been drinking. You also know who the other kids at the event are, and you can observe whether the activity is appropriate or not.

In addition, I would establish what is an appropriate tone of voice when communicating with others, especially family members. Be sure to show it to him as well as expect it from him.

Perhaps consult the Jim Fey "Love and Logic" website for advice. Allow for natural consequences.

Get his school counselor involved. Make sure the counselor has you son on his or her radar as caseloads are high. See whether there is a career search done in any particular class, see what resources the school offers on the issue, and see whether it is on record that your child has named any particular major or career choice of interest. Try to hook him by discussing the future (which may be what he is avoiding--going into today's job market is scary.)

See whether there is a school staff member who can act as a role model.

Find out who he is spending his time with and meet the parents, if you haven't already. See whether those parents are having the same issues.

I just had a great thought--the solution is very Jim Fey-like. I think I might approach it as, "You will be spending more time around the house while I investigate what is happening. It may take me some time. What can you help me with?" Provide him with a list of "To Do's" you have in the "investigation" into how to get him back on track. Those things are all the ideas above: visit counselor, visit youth minister, talk to other parents, etc. Make a list, and estimate how much time it will take to carry out all of these items. Ask what he could do to help you with those "To Do's" so that the process could be shorter and he will be able to regain some time to himself after the process is over. After all, why should it only be your time that gets eaten away while the problem needs to be solved?

You also mention that you've just gone back to work. This may be his way of saying that he still needs your attention.

Hang in there.

Try taking away video games until Friday, let him play on the weekend. If you take them away all together he may leave the home more often to play elsewhere. But no video games during the week till behavior changes. Good luck!