13 Yr Old Dughter

So when I was younger I didn't like school much at all. My parents took my door off for six weeks until I got my grades up. Needless to say I got my grades up really quick so I could have my door back. Maybe this will get her attention.

Very, very subtly, start talking careers with her and getting her familar with the universities and colleges in your area and across the country (talking them up, visiting the campuses to give her an image of what her life could be life 5-years down the line, discussing what college requirements currently are). If your daughter can envision herself attending college or having a certain career after she graduates, and she knows what it takes to get there, then she'll be more likely to do the work now. For example, if she is really into fashion and beauty, then go rent the movie The Devil Wears Prada, and just drop a few tidbits to her about how, if she went to college and applied herself now, she could get a career with a fashion magazine -- you have to be very, very subtle and appear to be disinterested with this!!!! -- she'll be more likely to sit up and take notice and start applying herself.

Having to do homework just because mom (and dad) are telling you too is sometimes not enough. If you can tap into your daughter's desire and ambition for the future in a very, very low-key way (I just can't stress this enough because kids don't like parents telling them what to do!), then she will probably will find the self-motivation to apply herself better at school.

Hope this helps.

It's really difficult. When the kids don't have books to bring home it's hard to know what they are supposed to be doing. I have the same problems!

What helps around here is to be in contact with her teachers. Get their email addresses and make it known that you are engaged and willing to help. They will welcome it! Many teachers also send home a weekly or monthly list of what they are doing in class. They will also send updates about when things are due.
The biggest issue we have is saying they don't have their homework, they forgot it, lost it, or did it in class. We decided that when that happens they have to spend a hour at the table reading or studying something I know they are working on in school. If it's something that repeats, constantly they will then have to write a report on what they studied durning the table time. I don't "do" those stupid wimpy essays that they teach in grade school or middle school, they are a waste of time. My kids are learning to write real papers like the schools will expect them to know by the time they are Juniors or Senior, or in College.

I hope this helps. It is quite the struggle!

Have you spoken with her about this school year? Has she made any promises?

The reason I ask is that IF she has promised to do better, ask her for specifics. How is she going to stay organized? Does she have a daily agenda to write down her assignments for each class each day?

Does she plan on working on her homework the moment she gets home, or is she going to give herself a 30 min break and then work on it?

Let her know you need to know all of this because you are going to start the school year by checking her agenda and making sure her homework is complete before she is allowed to do anything else. EVERYDAY!

She needs to figure out a way to get organized. You may need to have a high school student come and work with her on how to organize her back pack and how to study (some kids will not listen to their parents). Some kids just do not have a system that works for them. If they are in charge of it, they are more likely to follow it.

Also at the middle school and high school, there have been times, some students will have a weekly signature list that each friday, every teacher must sign with a list of missing homework, attendance and any comment. It is to be taken home to the parent and then returned the following Monday.

If she begins to fall behind, no cell phone, no computer except for homework..no football games, dances, weekend hanging out with friends. etc..

Also you hold the purse strings. No new clothing, accessories or makeup.. Unless, her school work is being completed.

I am sending you strength..

When my girls were this age I talked with them how school was there job. If you had a job and you didn't complete what you were supposed to you get fired etc. I also told them that your employer check if you are doing a good job. I wanted them to see that you are accountable in this world.
So if they wanted to go to the movies with their friends on friday night all schoolwork had to be done and turned that week. Not done no fun. Computer time was out of the question until school work was done each night. I also had one placed on daily homework check with the school. She had to show me her filled out slip and the completed work in her binder. Stops the my works done to me and she lost it to the teacher. I told the teacher I wanted to know if schoolwork wasn't getting done. I gave her time to unwind from her school day but no computer time every afternoon. Usually she would start a hour or so after school work until dinner and then eat with the family and hit the books to finish homework if needed. I also never let the I left my book at school work trick happen we would drive back to school and get the book. I would make certain what homework was as soon as she got home. She now manages her time better and I don't have to stay on top of things. I felt I needed to teach both of them school work is important your teachers are important and you need to get it done . When she saw one of her friends have to retake classes because of not doing the work and thus failing it changed her. Your daughter has to see that their is a price to pay for not doing her work at home and at school.
The vanity issue so normal. They are really into their looks at this age. Another teaching opportunity for you. Maybe do a spa day as reward for doing all her school work for a month. She would love a mani -pedi treat with mom.
M.

At 13 your daughter is able to select some of her classes in the 9th grade, so this should help her interest level. Going to the library every day isn't the answer. The library shouldn't be a punishment, not at all.

Set up a study area in your home. Let her help design this area, away from the tv. Put her computer on the desk you'll provide her here. Go get the supplies that she will need through the year and load the desk up. Keep this area quiet so she can concentrate. It's a no phone zone. Music is okay, as many people study well with music going, it's also a white noise so everything else is blocked out. Set a limit as to how long she has to spend studying every day. 2 hours a day after school sometime in the afternoon/evening is very reasonable. And studying isn't just homework. It's re-reading a chapter in social studies, language, science or practicing her math skills. But 2 hours 5 days a week will keep her up to date in her classes and nothing succeeds like success. If she was struggling or not getting the best of grades before, if she sees the A's and B's happening with this regiment, she will spend the time working on her education. Then celebrate those successes. Good girls get good things. Trips to the mall, a movie, a new piece of music, a school dance, etc. At the same time, don't let up on her responsibilities at home, chores like helping prepare dinner, doing dishes, cleaning the bathroom and keeping her room in order are essential.... this is all about time management and self discipline. With the screen time on the computer, it's limited to 30 minutes a day. Those 'good' things could be additional 30 minute increments, but only if good works happen first and on a consistent basis. This is another reason to put the computer in her study area, out of her room, where you can monitor her activity. This is for her cyber-safety as much as it is about her homework.
And if she squawks about the 2 hrs of homework/5 days a week, a simple equation..... school is a 6 hour day, 2 hrs of homework for 5 days during the week is equivalent to a 40 hour work week. Being a student is her job. If she doesn't succeed at this 40 hour work week she won't be able to land the 40 hour work week job she will need to support herself as an adult. She'll be lucky if she get's a McDonald's job on a part time basis. This is the time to learn how to work, how to succeed and any future employer is going to look at her grades all through high school to see her record, not only in the classroom with grades, but her attendance (absences and tardies), her extra curricular activities (in and out of school), her behavior (ability to get along with people: peers and teachers). And the more she learns, the more she earns. The choices she makes today will determine what choices are available for her tomorrow.

I have an 8 & a half year old daughter. I have learned to let her decompress for half an hour to an hour after school without any kind of electronics (TV, computer, Wii, no calling friends), basically alone time. I give her a snack during that time. I let her know that by 3:30 we will start the home work so she may start it any time before that when she is ready and she must start it by 3:30. We pretty much keep to this schedule because it keeps us from yelling at each other. My daughter is allowed up to an hour a day of electronics after all her homework is done & we have reviewed it together and it is all corrected, not before. Dinner is at 6pm, she must get ready for bed at 7pm because she takes so long and she must be in bed before 8 pm. So if she takes her sweet time to do her homework she doesn't get the privilege she earned for the day & she doesn't get to save them up for the weekend either.
Type up your expectations, show them to her, ask if she thinks they are reasonable. If she does have her sign it as a contract. If she doesn't have her give you input & rework it & then have her sign it as a contract. I have put items in place so my daughter can not circumvent my authority. There are no electronics in her room first off, computers are password protected & so are cell phones.

Be consistent & firm, take away things & privileges until she decides to change her behavior on her own. Do not buy her anything new, not a piece of clothing, nothing, if it's not a necessity don't get it, that includes make- up & hair products too. I have saved a lot more money this way. My daughter now realizes she must take care of the things she has because nothing new will be coming down the pipe line.

Another approach is to help her to establish her own routine for getting things done. Flylady.net has a Student Control Journal that puts her in charge of when/how and teaches her to be accountable. I think giving some of the control to the kid helps to keep the momentum going. It's always harder when you have to nag, nag, nag.

Do you limit her internet access? It seems to me that most kids are more interested in being on the computer than anything else. If it is interfering with her school work, then take it away.

Be firm and take away ALL privileges from her until she changes her ways. That means, no computer (unless it is for school and supervised that she is doing just that), no makeup (do not let her have those things that she is making a priority). Until she takes her school work seriously and starts to become an honest person, she gets NOTHING. Also, If you are not involved in a church, I would take her and make her go and join a youth group at the church where there is a emphasis on God. Your idea about the library is o.k. but that is NOT the solution, there is a lot more going on here that needs to be taken care of in order for her to grow up in to a healthy person.....

It's difficult to motivate a child who isn't intrinsically motivated. I haven't had this experience, per se, but have worked with older children and agree that creating a routine of both time and setting (as you have suggested, going with her to the library to work after school) is important. Consider doing an in-between activity first, though. This might be packing a snack for her to enjoy while chatting with friends after school for a half-hour, or taking a walk together before going into the library. Snacks and a break of some sort are important for studying after school, and this might be an area to ask her opinions about. Getting the schoolwork done at the library shouldn't be negotiable; however, she needs to be able to have some input in this routine. You don't mention if you have other children, and another idea to consider would be to make a 'media-free' study space in your kitchen or other common space in your home.

For what it's worth, I do know that, at this age, that it can be difficult for children to be motivated by "your future will depend on this"--it's more of a brain development issue than an attitude, per se. Generally speaking, the human brain usually doesn't have the tools for this sort of long term thinking well into the late teen years/early twenties. If it were me, I'd avoid rewards and punishments, and keep up the routine, giving her positive feedback whenever it's appropriate and lots of encouragement when she's challenged. And be sure to let her schedule some fun time for herself on weekends, because even older children need time to kick back, play their games and do their hair.:) Good luck--it sounds like you have a great idea, now you just need to give it a try!