Terrible 3'S.....

Try to imagine being that (almost) 3-year-old. Life is a game. Life is fun. Life is a learning process. I have learned that if I do *this* or *that* I can get Mommy to have a fit! It is so much fun! Look at her! I am controling her! Look at what I can do! Look at what I can get her to do!

Solution: set limits and be consistent. Everyone needs boundaries, especially children. They are supposed to test them to see how far they can go. If it is a different place each time, if the boundaries are flexible, it teaches them instability. This causes frustration for you both.

I so know what you are going thru. I have 4 yr old twin boys and a 3 yr old boy. We are still dealing with tantrums in all 3. I too have become the screaming crazy lady at Walmart. I try not to be but sometimes is just get to be too much. You are not alone. I did read an article online the other day that has helped me. it was about how small children process information. it may seem like they are not listening but they are actuall storing the info for later use. and it may take several times of repeating an action before they comprehend the results of their actions before they actually do them.so an older child will go get their coat if you tell them it cold outside. a small child will run out the door, realize it is cold, then go get their coat. when my kids are not listening i try to think about that before i react. i have seen this in action. after spending weeks trying to get my kids to understand why they can't empty all the clothes out of their dresser and punishing them everyday they finally got it. i actually heard one twin tell the other not to take the clothes out because mommy will get mad and they would get in trouble. from that point, no more dragging out all the clothes. so there is hope.

Oh girl, been there, and can give you some hope. My daughter turned 4 in Jan and it is getting better. You do not have to apologize for spanking your child. I personally think its healthier than letting a child walk all over you or letting them get their way all of the time. Be consistant in your disipline, but realize her age. Sometimes when you tell her to do something, like cleaning or whatever, she may forget. Or you have her doing too much, she will also forget. Sometimes I just catch my daughter doing things on purpose that she knows is very wrong, and sometimes its just for attention. Some things that have helped me is, NAPTIME!! If your child still requires a nap, its not just an option. If for some reason she doesnt get a nap, you can expect for behavior to be unpleasant. If we are going somewhere I have a talk with her before we go. Birthday parties- I explain to her the behavior I expect from her and tell her the consequences of what will happen of she acts up. Sometimes after the talk all I have to do is give her a look or say remember what we talked about? And she straightens up. In my opinion its a lot better than screaming like a hag in front of everyone (Im guilty of it) but vowed to stop it! Shopping- same thing, talk to her before you go, bring whatever you think she will need. And some people will disagree, but if your child will be shopping with you all day, they do deserve a reward if they are good. I mean how boring is shopping for a 2 year old? You could bribe her, if shes good for this, you will give her that. Hey whatever works right? And it does!!! Some say bribing is bad, but those are the people with the screaming kids when you go out to eat. As far as the picky eating, Im over it! It used to drive me absolutely nuts! But then I realized that some of this stuff I JUST started liking myself, how do you expect a 3 year old like it. Feed her something healthy she will eat and be done with it. I also know there are just somethings I just cant do while I have my daughter with me, and save it for when daddy gets home. That way we get a break from each other. Anyways enough of that. But I will tell you, my daughter is MUCH better than she was at your daughters age. Hope that cheers you up. Its hard at first when your precious little baby turns into an opinionated 14 year old over night, but you will get used to it, and it will get better! Until of course, she is actually 14! ;)

wow, that's a lot of activities for a 3 year old! As for the behavior, the louder she gets- the quieter you should become. That's the wisest parenting info I've ever been given.

I say very quietly, "when you can speak to me in a nice manner, then we will discuss your behavior". I sit down & quietly do something of my own choice. Yelling, trying to correct the behavior in the heat of the moment....just allows your child to feed off your negative energy. If she's truly overboard, then just clearly state "when you are in control of yourself, we will discuss this matter. Until then you have to sit in time-out". Remaining calm is hard, but in the end, you are actually modeling the behavior you wish to receive from her!

This principle works the same way the old grocery store tricks works: if your child acts out in public, then you leave the store & go home. On the next trip, either your child doesn't go or is allowed to go with firmly-set behavior expectations in place. After a few go-rounds, you should see a definite improvement!

All this testing is a normal part of parenting. It truly does drive us over the edge, & will continue (in varying degrees) until adulthood. Yuck!! From the time my older son was 18 months until almost age 3, I had a muscle twitch in one cheek...it was the only outward "tell" of his toll on my peace of mind. My Mom & Sis still tease me about it!

My husband and I have used time-outs, but we do them in a different way than what I have heard. Instead of doing the "1 minute for every year" method, we put the kids in a corner, sitting down, and when they are ready to listen and behave, that is when they are allowed to come out. Then we get down to their eye level and repeat why we put them in time out, and finish with a big hug and lots of love. Sometimes my daughter is in time out for 30 seconds, sometimes she is in there for 10 minutes, it is up to her and her attitude. If it gets really bad and out of control and it doesn't seem like she is calming down with a temper-tantrum, we will put her in her room and shut the door behind us. Then, once she cools down, she can come out. We are trying to instill in her that she has the ability and the choice to control her actions and emotions. It has really seemed to work and my daughter just turned 3. We have already started on my son, who is 20 months, but he is a bit more bull-headed and stubborn so he usually ends up in his room with the door shut for a few minutes, although I am starting to see an improvement already.

I don't have any advice, b/c Im learning that the 3's are by far much worse than the 2's could ever dream of being! I will say that you should watch what you say when yell and how you do it b/c these actions will be repeated by your 3 year old at the worst times! haha... Some days he just pushes me over the edge I do yell, but more days than that (Thankfully) when I feel myself nearing the edge I can back up a bit and take a moment and speak calmly to him, while unfortunatly he's yelling at me b/c this what I taught him to do when he gets upset. Bummer. Anyway, good luck! It can be testing and trying, but with everything else this child does, I keep telling myself "its a phase" and we'll be out of it soon... makes me feel better anyway! :o)

Oh the things I have to look forward to! :) Our daughter is 20 mos old but started her terrible 2's a few months ago. She's a redhead like her mama with my temper. On the plus side I manage to keep my cool most of the time, but I have exploded and always feel terrible about it. Everyone is right - don't apologize for punishing, but do always tell her you love her. My dad always did that. We'd get spanked and sent to our rooms and a few minutes after we'd calmed down, he would come in and say he didn't like having to punish us, but we needed to learn to obey him because he loved us so much. The fact that she doesn't act out at school, etc. and does with you shows that you ARE a good mom - she knows how to behave in public, and she knows you love her so much that she can have the meltdown she needed to have at school in a safe environment at home. I know that doesn't make it any easier when it's happening, though! If you haven't read "Parenting With Love and Logic : Teaching Children Responsibility" by Foster W. Cline and Jim Fay, I highly recommend it. It's got great suggestions for dealing with issues with kids at all ages, starting with toddlerhood. Good luck!!

TERRIBLE TWOS ACTUALLY GO THROUGH AGE 3. THEY BEGIN TO LEARN INDEPENDENCE BUT CAN'T ALWAYS MANAGE IT AND THEN THE FRUSTRATION OF TANTRUMS. THEY WANT TO MAKE DECISIONS SO THE NO WORD IS USED OFTEN.(besides it makes you react-wow what power that soon to be 3 year old has--look how I can make mommy and daddy react--even if it is negative!! I DID THAT)As for spanking, well I never saw a child hurt from spanking. (beating is different than spanking so don't apologize) Also I find a woman's hand gets hurt more than those little round bottoms. I often found the release of tears and crying for a very short time gave the child some release and they were more calm after--more loving also. Wanting to be held, read a story, and sometimes said sorry without any prompting. Everyone needs to know boundaries--just be consistant. It seems like never ending but think of training a puppy, it seems like forever before they get it too. Also God says pray always--he was talking about moms.k

I can totally relate. I feel you. I am anxious to see your responses. What I remind myself is to take a breath and try not to react in anger.I then ask myself in the light of all eternity does this really matter? Since we are not 3 yrs old it is impossible for us to truly understand what is going on in their minds no matter how hard we try to get it we have to be patient beyond our limits and just know that they are trying to sort an enormous amount of info coming at them and of course they can "do it all by themselves". I send you love and compassion.; this parenting thing is the toughest job I've ever had.

S.

First, what you are experiencing is what most mom's feel with young kids (I have a 3 and a 2-year old - God help me). They are at the age where they are constantly testing their boundaries. I feel mom guilt and embaressed when I lose my cool in front of the kids. I use time outs as well (and the occasional spanking) but what I find the most effective are actions and consequences. Meaning, if they act out, then they lose that privilege or toy or whatever. So if they act out at the restaurant, we pack up and go home. If they cry over a toy, they lose the toy. I give them one warning and that's it. If you're consistent, they learn pretty quickly. Also, after timeouts, I would have them tell you *why* they were in a timeout. Finally, I find that my daughter (the 3 year old) acts out when she feels like she doesn't have control over the situation - like picking her outfits for the day. So I pick 2 outfits and let her pick 1 out of the 2. I got this tip from another mom and it's been working! i used to let her pick the outfits and it was such the battle! Best of luck and know that you are not alone...

I heard a great suggestion the other day from my PAT educator. She said one of her families has the child count when they are put in time out instead of a time limit. Once they count to 5 or 10 or whatever the number is, then they can get up. Not only does this help them learn numbers but it helps to calm them down because they have to be able to concentrate before they can get out the numbers. Hang in there! Once she hits 3 1/2 it will get a lot better. Take it from the mother of a VERY strong willed 3 1/2 year old drama queen.

Scream-free Parenting, I think the author was Edward Runkel. It doesn't give a simplistic method, but lots of material to think about and learn from. It definitely changed my parenting, and we are all better off for it.

Oh my goodness I think you could have taken those words directly out of my mouth. I have a 3 1/2 year old and were going through the same exact thing. I will tell him 3 or 4 times to do something and he won't until I yell or threaten with a spanking. And I feel like I'm constantly yelling all day long just to get him to do the smallest things. It drives me crazy. I'm sorry I don't have any advice for you on how do deal with it because I'm stuck in the same situation. So maybe I can read some of your reply's for myself. I just wanted to let you know your not alone and let's hope it's "just a phase" as everyone likes to always tell me. Good luck.

Conscious Discipline by Becky Bailey works great! The point of it is that you need to control yourself first in order to get a desired response from the child. It also talks about how to teach coping stragies to kids so they can be responsible for their emotions and know how to handle them properly. One more point it makes is about how you word what you say to them. Our Headstart program uses this and I use it with my own 2 y/o child.

I don't know if I have any great advice, but I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. I went through the same thing with my son. I was so angry all of the time; I felt possessed. My mom's advice was always "don't yell" They listen more closely when you speak softer and calmer. I think she's right. Unlike the other moms, I did apologize when I spanked. I apologized for hurting him, but not for punishing him. We both felt better then. Try to stay calm, and pick your battles. That's all I've got for you, sorry. I barely made it through this stage too; my heart goes out to you.

Check your local library and see if they have any of Jim Fay's Love & Logic tapes/CD's. He has a lot of great information to share from babies to teenagers. I've used his methods and they really do work. Someone below mentioned talking softer, this is just one of his many techniques. Good luck. Mine are 13 and 9 now and we started using this method of disciplining when the oldest was 2. It really does work.

I will tell you that yelling will get you nowhere. I learned this when my kids were about that age. Kids tune out yelling and once I realized that when my middle child was about 4 and wasn't getting anywhere with her, one day I got the realization that she listened better when I did not yell and let her know the consequences that would happen if she did not follow the rules and even though they need to have reminders they do learn and if you stay consistant and stick to the rules and consequences they will learn quick what they need to do to make things better. Give them a lot of praise when they do well. ask the preschool teachers for advice on things that work for them to get your daughter to cooperate. Sometimes preschools offer classes for parents and are a great way to learn how to relate to your children. Do not feel like a bad parent for going to classes, all parents can learn something from hearing stories and what has worked for other parents and take note that just because some of these things worked well for other parents doesn't mean it will work for you. All kids and family situations are different but don't be afraid to try new ways and see what works for your family. I learned a lot when I was younger working in daycare centers, babysitting, and teaching nursery and little kids classes in church. By the time I had my own kids I knew some things that worked well and what didn't with kids those ages but the one thing I did learn was that you have to stay consistant with discipline issues. If you tell your child they can't have dessert the rest of the night until they eat their veggies then stick with it and do not give in hours later or they will figure it out that they will eventually get what they want if they wait hours later and ask for it. If you ground them from something stick with it even if you decide after a few hours that your punishment was a little to hard for the occasion. Just keep that in mind the next time and you probably won't be so hard on them next time. If you feel like you are about to explode, go out of the situation for a few minutes, calm down then go back and talk calmly to your kids and talk about the situation that started it in the first place.
The 3's are a tough age but the child is learning so much so fast and has a lot to process in that little brain of theirs. They are trying to phase out of that whiny baby/toddler stage and become big preschoolers. This is when they really develop their vocabulary and seem to have little smart mouths and have so much energy to keep up with. Just hang on for the ride and stand firm but love them at the same time. They are exploring their new findings in life and testing to see what is acceptable and what isn't. When they turn 4 they usually calm down a lot and you wonder how that happens so quickly but I work with 3-5 year olds and notice a huge difference in 3 year olds and 4 year olds and can usually tell with the new children that come in whether they are 3 or 4 by how they act in the first few minutes.

Hi...
I don't really have any solutions to your problems, but wanted to let you know you are not alone. Whoever said it was the terrible twos was wrong, it's definately the terrible threes. My four year old went through them and now my almost three year old (b-day in one week) is going through them. For me, it just paseed eventually....I use time outs and some spanking too-you aren't alone on that either! It's better now, but we have some boughts of terible fours now! Anyway, I hope you find some good advice and good luck!
D.