Tips for Coping with Terrible Two's?

The cup thing. Man o man! If my daughter skips her nap, watch out world! Melt down city.

This is what I do: I ask her which color cup she wants her water and milk in. If she changes her mind before I put the liquids in, fine. If I've already loaded up the cup, too bad, "no take backs."

She does a similar thing while picking her socks for the day. The other day she must have picked 6 different pairs! I do a count down thing to let her know I'm serious and losing my patience. So I will just say," you have 5 seconds or I am picking." I do a similar thing when she is running around and I want to help her get dressed. It works.

I also insist that she uses her normal voice to talk to me, and if she is totally melting down, I will send her to her room till she is "calm." I also walk out of the room when she starts up. Ignoring works.

One other thing that I've found effective: if she isn't cooperating (in helping me get her dressed, etc). I will tell her, "let me know when you are ready," and then I will leave the room. She usually comes running after me and is more than "ready" to cooperate.

Ignore Ignore Ignore the tantruming. Yes, easier said than done.

The milk - if he asks for the green cup and you prepare it in the green cup and he changes his mind, throwing a tantrum (and the cup), calmly give the cup back to him and say "You *chose* green. If you want your milk, you will drink it in the green cup. If you throw it again, you get nothing." He won't starve. He may throw a bigger tantrum, which you are to ignore. By doing this, he learns that when he makes a choice he lives with his choice. However, if you bend to his will to allay the screaming then you further encourage the behavior - do NOT change the cup color just to get him to be quiet! You gave him a choice, he made a decision - the end.

I know it is difficult, but keep your cool as best as possible during these times. Toddlers KNOW they can push your buttons. It's like they have a sixth sense, especially in public, and think that if they scream louder and carry on bigger, that mommy and daddy will give in and that is the last thing you want. Let him have his tantrum. If the area is unsafe, move toys or things and make it safe, step over him, and ignore it. He needs to learn that his theatrics do not cause you to change your behavior. Don't worry if he does this in public. Yes, I know it is extremely embarrassing, but chances are every adult who witnesses this tantrum knows what you're going through and will silently be cheering you on when you give the tantrum no attention.

I always laugh, thinking that having a colicky baby totally prepared me for the terrible twos and tantrums. At least when he was two I knew why he was crying! My son once had a 17 minute tantrum because he didn't get a cookie (he threw his dinner of hot dogs across the kitchen...definitely not a treat-worthy behavior!). We left the kitchen and went to our family room and I sat there as a barrier preventing him from returning to the kitchen. I looked down at the ground and did not say a word while he wailed and screamed and kicked. 17 minutes. He finally realized that his antics were not going to force me to give in so he gave up. After that we barely had any more knock-down drag-out tantrums.

Good luck to you - the better you can be at not getting emotional, the quicker they learn that their behavior is not going to get a rise out of you.

T.,

This is normal believe it or not.He's trying to control the situations around him. What you and your husband need to do is set goals- ones that he can achieve with choices (that you and your husband have discussed together ahead of time-ie.. GOAL: Wearing a coat outside when it's cold. The next time he says he wants to go outside tell him that's great but he needs to wear a coat to keep warm because you don't want him to get sick-that would make you sad. Then give CHOICES- do you want to put your coat on by yourself or do you want mommy/daddy to help you? He will want to do it himself he's 2 1/2 . When he is zipping the coat tell him what a good job he's doing putting his own coat on. When you see that he can't get the zipped ask him if he wants help -then offer to help him- DO NOT DO IT WITHOUT ASKING HIM IF HE WANTS HELP FIRST- let him have some control. If he says he doesn't want help then- tell him "that's okay- when you get your coat zipped we'll go outside together"- if he is still having trouble he should let you help him then- because he choose to. Let me know if this works !!!

Also let him do other things to feel in control: fold laundry,(have two outfits picked ahead of time- lay them out ) let him pick which one he wants to put on, wash his own dishes, helpload the dish washer, feed/water the dog/cat, water plants, pick out his favorite fruit at the grocery store, help daddy too(buy him a few small tools of his own-not plastic toys) shovel snow, rack leaves, plant a favorite flower/vegtable, there are many things a 2 1/2 can do- Most important thing is that you and your husband set the goals and let him make a choice (the choice should be one that you and your husband have already discusssed) Soon you'll have a big helper when the new baby arrives.

I love Toddlers

Just know that it does get better!

It doesn't help ALL the time. But more the purpose of my frustration and appropriate response, I try to see things his way. Doesn't mean he GETS his way, but I try to get where he is coming from. If I want my certain coffee mug, I really want it. If it is dirty, i will take 10 min to fish it out of the sink wash it, dry it so I can have MY coffee mug. I figure my 2 year old feels the same way about his "milky cup." AGAIN, I don't give in, especially if it starts with a tantrum, but I am less frustrated and the whole situation seems less severe if I stop and think how I, as an adult would feel in the same situation. We can usually work it out this way pre-tantrum.

Oh T., I'm going thru the same thing AND i'm a single mom. I have found that if my son asks for something one way and changes his mind I try not to give in. I will give him what he asked for how he asked for it and that's that! I have found that when I gave in he would think that it was a game and would drive me to the point of insanity. I have found that the only thing that works for me is consistency. No means no. You ask for something one way, then thats what you get. I know that toddlers do these things to test limits and try to gain control since they feel they have very little. Sometimes I give myself a time out when I have simply had enough. I also have found that giving my son options and letting him chose allows him to feel in control and takes some of his frustration away. Stay strong and remember that this too shall pass! Congrats on your new little one on the way!

valium...for the whole family

;-)

:) Ahhh, I don't miss those days at all!! LOL

Here is what I found to work. I used to stress over trying to give them everything they wanted and letting them do the things they wanted. After a while you realize that this is not only them wanting to be more independent, but also how they can get you to do what they want. I hate to say it, but I have watched little ones play the manipulation game so many times. It never fails to amaze me how smart they can be!

I'm not saying you have a little tyrant on your hands, certainly not! He is just learning what he can and cannot do, and what he can and cannot get you to do. He's a little young, but if he wants to learn how to zip his coat or pull on his boots, try sitting down with him when you are not rushing out the door and show him little tips on how to do it. Make it a game, something fun, so that when he messes it up you can say, "oops!", laugh, and show him again.

As far as the cup thing, I'm going to go out on a limb and say you probably should put your foot down. Let him pick one cup for the day at the beginning of the day and that is the cup he uses. It doesn't take much to rinse a cup out between beverages, and that way he doesn't have a reason to change his mind. :) Just a suggestion, of course, but it may make your life easier, especially with another little one on the way. Sometimes giving him one choice to make (which cup he will use for the day) and then telling him you are making the other choices shows him you will let him have some say, but in the end you are still the mommy and that he gets only one cup (or one cup for each liquid if you prefer).

I'm sure he is a little sweetheart and just needs a few boundaries on some of his demands. Otherwise you may have a very demanding toddler on your hands! Just start small and work from there. :) Good luck!!

I think we are "finally making it through the woods" on this phase with our daughter who will be 3 in June. i think alot of this is asserting their own independence and realizing cause and effect and making choices. Time outs never really worked w/ her well...and I was consistent on the whole process. What I find is working better and better is a: heaping on the praise for doing "good things" works really well. When you praise "good behaviors" they want more praise so they will do more of those behaviors. If she will not do what I am asking I do the count to three method, and it usually works. Ie. if she insists on climbing into her car seat or her booster on her own and is stops doing it. I will say "ok, if you don't start getting in the seat on the count of 3 I will pick you up and put you there." Now she says "don't count to tree mama." If she starts crying because I poured milk in the cup she thought she wanted but changed her mind, or crying for no real reason for that matter, I will tell her that "if she is going to cry she can go sit on the bottom step and cry." She will either walk to the step and cry for a minute until she calms down, or she will stop then and there. I'm telling you though, once I started praising expected behaviors, things really turned around. I think it's that we forget that these small milestones are really big to them and it's sort of taken for granted. When I started to remind myself more how important they are to her, it really helped.

I hope it helps!

Hi T.,
I totally know what you are going through. My son is also 2 and does the same things you described. It is so hard to get through the day sometimes when your kiddo is having his fifth meltdown in 2 hours because you gave him the wrong colored spoon for his lunch. Makes mom just want to run, screaming, from the house, doesn't it?
The only advice I can offer, aside from hanging in there, because it will pass, is to try to adjust your schedule to accomodate your son being two. I try to allow an extra 20 minutes for getting ready to leave the house, that way my son can put on his shoes himself, or zip and unzip his coat a dozen times, and I can wait til he has done it his way, and we can leave happily. I also offer my son lots of either-or choices throughout the day so that he feels like he has some control over things. Simple stuff like, black shoes or brown shoes, sippy cup or big-boy cup, seem to go a long way toward heading off problems. When we are in a hurry I will say to my son, "I'm going to put your shoes on you, but you can pick which ones." He is usually amenable to that.
My little guy also does the mind changing routine you mentioned, where he demands one thing, then insists on something else when he gets it. I think that some flexiblity is a good thing if we are talking about bedtime stories or which pants to wear, so I try to allow a reasonable amount of mind changing on those sorts of things, but with other stuff, I put my foot down. For example, I won't pour the milk into the green glass after he asked for and got the blue one. In those cases, I try (while breathing deeply :)) to patiently explain that he must stick with his choice. Sometimes he can deal with this and sometimes the milk goes back into the fridge for later.
I'm not sure if this will be helpful for you or not, it's just what works (when anyting does) for me.
Good luck and hope all goes well with your pregnancy!