OK so after a messed up childhood and a messed up marriage and digging deep to find my issues I am completely happy with my boyfriend whom I love and am truly happy he is in my daughter and my life. BUT I realize we both need to learn to comunicate better, or maybe J. M.=) So I'm here to ask you ladies and men for some tips=)
This may seem like a childish question. I am 29 by now I should know these answers but I realize somewhere in life I skipped these lessons=)
Sometimes when there is an issue to speak about it takes us a bit longer to actually solve it then if we were to have healthy communication skills which were built up throughout life.
Our conversation ussually starts like this:
I bring up an issue speaking (possibly i word it wrong, maybe that's part of it?)
but then he takes offense to it and then defends himself instead of actually hearing M., and gets a tad upset instead of addressing the rather small issue
next problem area --- then I interupt him. This is the philly in M.. Where I grew up a conversation was everyone speaking at once, it flowed perfectly in a quite imperfect way. One person would begin to speak another would get so excited that they interupted and the conversation would twist and turn and possibly end up completely diferently then where it would have if it were a normal polite "non philly" conversation. Apparently he does not enjoy this wonderful quality about M.=)
now when I interupt him it makes him upset and he begins to speak loudly and then that sets off M., making M. withdrawl. I had years of being yelled at and hit from my dad so loud conversations mostly make M. withdrawl.
Then the conversation ussually ends with us saying we don't want to continue like this and we go to bed. We still are good enough to say I love you and so on, but both clearly annoyed. Then the next day when we are calm we lay down beside eachother and actually speak correctly. Sometimes it takes 2 days to speak about the issue if we are really busy with work and life. We are not mad in this time and can operate and hug and kiss and interact like normal, it's J. the issue is not resolved.
I want to know if there are any things I can do to work on my communication skills.
I know it should be simpler than I make it=)
Again I know this is a silly probably quite immature question considering I will be 30 soon. I realize I should have these life skills under my belt but I also realize I don't.
I think the secret to good communication is actually LISTENING more than you are talking. Good luck.
hmmm - totally thought this was going to be one of those "he should KNOW what I'm thinking" posts..
I don't think you need answers - you already have them!
START the conversation with "I'm not blaming you, this is J. an issue that WE need to address, and yadda yadda yadda"
And DON'T interrupt. It's not the "philly" in you - it's rude. Actions speak louder than words, right? Guess what the action of interrupting someone else says louder than any words - I don't care to listen to you, in fact I'm not listening to you b/c I'm thinking about what I want to say, and now I'm going to say it whether your lips are still moving or not.
If you respect someone, then you show them the respect of listening.
But this is going to be hard to change, because you two now have a script that you're performing. J. like a play where actors read their lines, you two have a "routine".
1) You raise an issue
2) he gets defensive
3) you interrupt to correct his misinterpretation
4) he gets upset at being interrupted
5) issue put on hold for two days while you cool off
6) issue re-brought up delicately and solved
You have a routine with a standard (and positive) outcome. That's going to be hard to realize "uh oh, I'm in step 1 - how do i fast forward to step 6?".
Next time there's an issue, ask yourself how you would phrase it if you were at step 6 and then start there. :)
When I went to marriage counseling they told M. there is a right way to argue and a wrong way. Arguing is healthy and is needed in a relationship. But what she told M. was that when you have an issue ALWAYS steer clear of using the words you,always and other words that may sound like you are turning it on them making them defensive. Typically tread lightly when arguing and respect eachother...even if it IS about him make it about BOTH of you; like she also said use words like we and us. It is WAY harder to do this than it sounds because most people blame others from habit as growing up. Try it out and bring this up to him...I hope this helps you!
To M. the biggest thing is backing off but only to try to figure out their side, to understand their side. I don't think anyone can effectively communicate with another without understanding their side because you will almost always say the wrong thing.
The other thing is to not attack their position when you come back to the discussion. Instead you define your position as it relates to how you see their position. You must put yourself out there like that because they cannot communicate with you unless they understand how you are seeing things.
An easy example is the disciplining of a step. They are doing it because they love the child and want them to be the best they can be, so do you. You are reacting defensively because that is your baby and you want to protect them. Both have the same goal in mind so you focus on that goal and then determine how you can communicate how you are doing that and they can do so as well.
So understand the other person, find the common ground and communicate without putting up walls.
Easy as pie, right?
try using I statements and feeling words
For example instead of saying "why did you do that?" which automatically puts him on the defensive, try saying "when you don't wash your dishes I feel like you dont notice that I took a long time to clean the kitchen and it hurts my feelings". Or "when you spend money without letting M. know, I feel like we are not partners in this relationship".
I also agree with the post below-it is important to remember that you are not always right. It helps to compromise.
Sometimes when the argument starts escalating it helps to take a break and re-group when you have both calmed down. Really look at the reason behind your anger. Are you really angry that he does not pick his clothes off the floor? or are you angry because he does not pull his weight and help around the house?
Good luck!
I know this is coming from the other side of the fence, but it may help when communicating.
1. pick your battles
2. you're not always right
3. he's not always right
4. sometimes he's right
5. sometimes your right
6. give each other time, some people need to process. Every issue doesn't need to be solved RIGHT NOW, RIGHT THIS MOMENT.
and my personal favorite....... 'happy wife, happy life'
my husband and i have communication issues as well. we have been going to councling and its been very insitful! what we have been learning makes a lot of sense but its been very hard to incoorporate it into certain moments because you are so used to doing things a certain way. We are really having to J. concentrate on listening. we may not like what we are hearing but we have to listen. We are now at a point where 1 night a week i get the floor to talk about how i am feeling about things or what i would like, etc and my husband J. listens and maybe asks questions to keep it going. then 1 night he gets to talk and i J. listen. Its very helpful to have someone J. listen to you then you can ask a question to and weigh the pros and cons of a situation to try and resolve it. That is the only advice i have for you that we have learned so far. Like i said its not easy when you are so used to J. defending yourself but it is a lot better in the long run and you feel good becuase you are being heard.
We learned a lot in Marriage counseling about how to listen to each other.
One of the tools they gave us was to listen and then repeat what you J. heard. This way you let the other person know you heard and understood them
Sometimes we hear more than what was said, or we did not understand what was said.
The other thing is that many men and women speak different languages.
Men are problem solvers. They think when we complain, we want them to tell us how to solve it.
As women, we J. want to be heard. We know how to solve it, we J. want someone else to listen, understand and agree with us.
i have learned to say, "This is J. a vent"... and then moan and complain..
or "I do not need you to solve, this, I J. need to say this.. "
sometimes, this is when i am working through something and J. need someone to hear my feels, thoughts or plans..
It is good you are working on this.. It changed our lives to be able to communicate clearly.
We still have arguments or get frustrated with each other. but it way few times..
I don't have much to add to what others here have said, it's all very good advice. But I wanted to mention that people interrupting M. is more than a pet peeve, it REALLY hurts my feelings. Imagine how you feel when he yells, that's how I (and probably him, too) feel when people interrupt M.. It's as if they are saying to M., "You are not important, what you have to say doesn't matter." With that in mind, try to bite your tongue. Whatever you have to say can wait until he's done talking and making his point.
I think you are to be commended for asking for help, and doing so in such a mature and explicit way. One of the reasons you are getting such good responses is because of the way you expressed yourself in your post. Don't be too hard on yourself. Some people never ever learn from their mistakes. You are still young.
My mom and dad have always (and still do) operate on a note/letter system. It allows them to completely and thoroughly express what they're trying to express. Also, it allows them to re-read, edit, and re-word if necessary to make sure things have come out in the right way and that what they said is what they meant to say. My guess would be that the initial writing out might help you. Write out what you want to talk about. Write it out very specifically and exactly how you want to word it. Then take that little note/piece of paper with you to talk to him about it that way when you start out trying to discuss, you know you have worded it in the best way you know how. Hopefully, things will flow better from there!
This is not a silly or immature question! I suggest reading about non-violent communication. Here is their web site. http://www.cnvc.org/ They also have a book.
Here's my approach with my husband: I am open and admit the faults that I see in myself. I tell him, "I'm telling you because 1. I want you to understand why I do what I do, and 2. saying it aloud and to someone else will help M. to be accountable for when I do it." Of course, this doesn't work to say mid-argument, so I say it in our regular conversation. I also will come to him during peaceful times and say something like, "Whenever I mention bottlecaps to you, it seems to really hit a sore spot. Because I am really trying to understand bottlecaps more (or would really like to resolve the issue that I have with bottlecaps), I need to feel like we can talk about it. How can I avoid striking that nerve with you and still have your participation in resoloving my bottlecap issue? Is there a particular word that I say or tone that you sense that triggers you to anger or defensiveness?" Shut up and let him answer. Then, reassure him that "I don't mean to push any buttons. I sincerely mean to understand this issue so that I can move on from it." If necessary, physically cover your mouth while he is talking. It will serve as a reminder to you and show him that you are serious about curbing this habit. Also, he'll probably laugh at the sight of you covering your mouth, and the energy in the room will lighten, and you can finish the conversation with smiles.
I am a firm believer that our intimate relationships provide clearer mirrors than any quality of glass on any wall. Not only do they have the power to show us EXACTLY who we are, but they also give us the incentive to change what's not necessarily working for us. If we allow them to, they will foster the biggest lessons of our lives. That said, even if you guys don't make it to forever, this is a good lesson for you to learn with him and likely a main reason for his presence in your life. I doubt that this is the first time that your style of communication has been "in the way". For some reason, this guy seems worth the trouble. Congratulations!
