TIRED Of "Hosting"...

You aren't letting your "no be no," and therefore people will continue to ask or find ways to get you to host. It sounds like your friend came up with a perfectly good solution, and there is no reason why you have to be the one to transport and set up all of your stuff. If she wants to borrow it, let her do the work. If you don't want to let them borrow, then SAY NO. It sounds like you have a hard time with this, but in order for it to work you have to follow through and don't give in. Just like with kids. :) Just tell people you already have a lot on your plate and you can't host right now....and then stay firm. You are allowing this to happen to yourself by not saying no. (and you aren't a brat, but you do sound a little whiny) ;) Oh and by the way, in our family we always all pitch in and bring food to make the party easier on the person hosting. Not sure about an entire meal, as your mom asked, but I think contributing is always helpful.

What about doing the ones that are planned and let the friend(that wanted to borrow and your mom) know that this is the last party you want to be in charge of. And also with that have them help you "say I will do it but I need you to help me clean and set up as well as clean after." Maybe if they have to help they wont want so many parties either.

I just want to post only to tell you your not alone. i have for years been the planner.....if I don't plan, the event does not happen and I don't spend time with friends. It is so hard and you do feel like your only loved because you make the effort. It may not be how your feel.....but that is where I come from. I support your decision to give yourself a break. It is OK to give permission to yourself to just say no once in a while. I would suggest putting the event on someone else and that you could "help" and then that slowly transition to you saying no .
Good luck.

Dear H.; Your question comes up a lot in the Dear Abby column and I know what she would say. Just say no. And if they want to know why, send them a copy of your post as you have expressed yourself very well.

If you can't bring yourself to do that then just sell all your party gear on e-bay and move into a one bedroom apartment. (Just kidding).

No, really, you have to stand up to them and don't be their doormat. You shouldn't have to lie about your reasons, just say it is inconvenient for you to do it.

D.

Dear H.,

The phrase "victim of her own success" comes to mind here. It sounds like you have done such a great job in the past people just can't imagine doing parties without you.
Getting out gracefully may not be easy. The "new" you is someone your family and friends have not met. they are expecting the "old" you to do everything with a smile.
Friend borrowing supplies sounds easier...just box the stuff and leave it for friend to pick up. Do not take stuff there or set up. Or clean up.
As for your mom wanting you to do your own cooking for her party, I just do not even know what to say. I would not have the courage to ask someone to bring their own food and chairs to an event, at my home. That's handing the chore of party planning off. If mom is tired about the idea of cooking lots, tell her to make the event a potluck, and then everyone must bring something.
Good Luck!!

You are in a bind. One suggestion is to gather your "party stuff" and keep it in a box or area in the garage. If you get someone else to host, don't schelp, let someone else pick up the stuff. You make yourself hiar or nail appointments as good excuses not to give in to helping. Usually it takes one time for someone else to start becoming the official hostess. Another option (used in family situations or holiday/bridal showers is organizing the event at a restaurant. All you have to do then is make the reservation, choose the menu, and collect the money from all the other hostesses (with or without a hostess committee). Same with having it catered at someone else's house. the mother one is the hardest but if you buy her 6 folding chairs (at a yard sale or or wherever) you will have seating for years at her home and costco or supermarkets sell premade lasagnas and salads. Think of it as bringing a hostess gift and if it is not good enough for her she may not ask again. good luck.

I understand how you feel. I'd feel the same way. Say no, even if you have to say it more than once. They'll get the hint and they'll get over it. I don't see why your friend needs to borrow your stuff. We don't have any of that stuff and we get along hosting stuff just fine. Paper plates and plastic cups are just fine, but if she insists on using it, and you don't mind, have HER do all the work of bringing it over or bringing it back... Otherwise, you can say no to that too. If people get mad, they'll get over it. I have 4 kids too and it's a little strange that you have to bring your own food. You're not the Duggars for crying out loud... don't feel obligated to do it and don't feel guilty for saying no. Good luck to you! I know it's hard. I was pretty ademate about not hosting Christmas the year after my sister was tragically killed but was duped into doing it anyway... I was amazed and wondered how in the world did that happen?

One year for Thanksgiving I offered to have dinner at my house because it also has nice flow and when including the patio can accommodate lots of people. Well, everyone invited someone else and my mom invited all of Phoenix (practically) and we ended up with 42 people over to my house for Thanksgiving! Like it isn't stressful enough for 10!!! Anyway...all that to say...never again. Since my family doesn't know the meaning of the word "no" this is what I plan on doing:

If someone asks me to host this year I say we will be going to my husband's family. That way one of the 5 other family members who live here can host. Then, without warning...the week or two before Thanksgiving, our plans will suddenly change and we will be in town after all. I will offer to bring something like pie or a salad. It's family, they will have room for us!

You HAVE to say "NO" or they will keep taking advantage of you and your generosity.

H.,

I don't think you are being a "brat" about this. You obviously feel exhausted of hosting parties. But I feel that you need to answer some questions for yourself, or you will might have a difficult time figuring out what to do.
1. What is keeping you from saying no?
2. How is saying no a problem for you?
3. What is the worst thing that would happen if you said no?
5. How do you assume that your friends and mom are "expecting" you to do all the work?
6. How did you get yourself doing all the work in the first place?
7. Why do you think all your friends and family look to you to host parties?...look at your answer for #6. At some point you let yourself be the one to "take it all on".
8. Before you say yes or no to anything, why are you saying yes or no? What is your intention, and do you really know other's intentions?
9. Imagine yourself graciously declining all these request. How does that make you feel? Where do you feel it in your body? Do you feel it in your chest or an ache in your stomach like you just disappointed someone beyond belief? If so, why do you feel that way? OR, if you feel really good about saying no, then really, what is keeping you from saying no?
10. Why is it a problem for you to let your friend borrow your things? What other solutions are there instead of you "schleping all the stuff to her house?"
11. If you really want to relax on a lawn chair and eat off paper plates and let someone else host a party...are you willing to let it all go?

Here are some gracious ways to decline.
"I'd love to, but I can't this time."
"I'm not able to host a party now, but I can do this or this for you" (make the this or this very specific)
"I'm planning on being ill during that time, so I can't." ;)
"I'm on strike for the next 6 months.";)
"If someone else is willing to do all the cleaning, cooking, buying, running around, making sure everyone is having a great time, cleaning after the party, then yes. I will host." ;)

When you do something, do it with love, or don't do it at all. If it is something that has to be done, then how can you do it with love?

Best Wishes,
A.
mom of 4. Birth and Parenting Mentor
www.birthingfromwithin.com