Sorry this is long...
For years now my mom and her boyfriend (of almost 30 years-she divorced my dad, who is now deceased, when we were 3) have been trying to run my life, I am getting so sick of it (even stopped talking to them for awhile.) Tried talking to them, letting them know that I am an adult and step back (started a long time ago not talking that much to them about anything in our lives' and even saying when they ask questions that they are really noisy and to mind their own business!!! Even told the kids whatever happens in this house, stays in this house.) I am a single parent, and they think they know it all (they say they are experts ya know-even though I left home when I was 16 and my brother left home when he was 12-thats how bad it was-whole other blog) if I want your advice I will ask for it. This all started along time ago as we lived in an apartment that was for sale, and of course my parents bought it and then tried to tell me who I could have over (I paid rent, who died and made them boss... they forbid my kids father from being in the house...) watched the apartments like hawks, and made commits about who was coming and going (even asked the kids who was over.) We moved out really fast from there.
My mom wants to be friends with my friends too-to this day she gives out my address to my old friends that she thinks I want to contact me. Even though she hated my dad, she just had to be friends with his gf because I become good friends with her after my dad passed away.) Neither one of them have friends (gee, I wonder why?) One time my mom left her bf and moved in with us (she did not even ask if it was ok with me) she kicked my youngest out of his bedroom so she could sleep in it, dropped me off at work, borrowed my car, complained that I did not leave her any gas or money, complained what's for dinner when I got into the car after work (what a nightmare-that goodness it did not last long.)
They complain about everything we do, my children (who are 17 and 20,) their girlfriends, my full time and my part time jobs, our house, even our dog (they are dog experts/behaviorist too I guess.) They have to know everything that is going on in our lives-when my children work, where they are at etc, where I am at/going (they even complain about what I buy at the grocery stores.) Both my kids want to go to work/college out of state and move, I said go for it, the world is yours to explore-nothing here in Michigan, when they told them this all they did was complain about why are they going, what's out there for you-great self esteem booster-then they b*tch at me for letting them go-they are almost adults ya know. Even though my kids go to school and work (almost full time,) they want the kids to come over every day to do the chores (cut the grass at their house, the apartments, and the other properties that they own-for FREE!!! When they cannot come over they say that they don't need to go to work or school and come over and do this and that (the kids are not that polite anymore because they are tired of it too.) My mom's bf has a daughter from a previous marriage and her husband they could come over and help, yay right, (they do not say a word to them, but they sure do b*tch at me for what they do wrong.)
When I am not home they go through my mail, look all around for items/mail, they go through our house (even in my bedroom) and then ask the kids about all my personal stuff (they even ask who is parked in the driveway on so and so night-I am not like that-it is always one of my sons friends cars.) One time I set them up with a note that said if you are in this room and reading this, you are way too noisy and they found items that they should not seen (box of you know what)-kids where cracking up at their faces when they found this-it has actually helped with them being less noisy.
Yesterday they came over, and I was really busy (giving the dog a bath) and they were mad that I could not talk long, my mom wanted me to stop giving the dog a bath and give her a haircut and then starting B*tchen about everything I was doing, telling me that this is wrong you don't need that and do this.
My head hurts and I am ready to leave MI with my kids...
Thanks Everyone. They have really been keeping their distance from me, but they still have issues. Hopefully they are starting to realize I am an adult and to mind their own business!!
Sounds like you have raised two great kids... as you told them, the world is your oyster, there's nothing in MI... Go for it... Make sure you sleep on any decision, though.
I'm so sorry to hear whats going on. My Mom is a busy body too. She goes as far as making f&i apt's for my husband & I, making to scale drawings of the addition we built on the house & furniture to show me the options of where I could move stuff. I usually just give her a job at that point (hey could you refinish the door for me?) But your situation sounds bad to me. I would probably move out of state w/ the kids. How extremely ungrateful to ask you to cut her hair and to complain about you in the process. If I wasn't Buddhist she might get a bad hair cut.
Best of luck to you! A. H
M.,
You need to set some serious boundaries. For one, why are they in your home going through your stuff when you are not there? That needs to stop immediately. You should change the locks and only allow you and your kids to have the keys.
Second, you need to tell your mother that you love her but you will not tolerate her b**ch about your children. I would let her know that if she doesn't stop then she will have no longer contact with them. In addition, the kids are not expected to do work around their house unless they are paid. Work and School ALWAYS come first.
Third, why do you allow them to drop by whenever they want? This is your home, if they want to come by they should call you first to make sure it is okay before just showing up. Also, you have every right to not answer the door or don't invite them in when they don't call first.
It sounds like you kind of let your Mom take over your life. It is time to take it back and set boundaries as mentioned in another response. It will be difficult but won't be any easier the longer you wait.
Let us know how you are doing
S.
I have 3 words for you: "MOVE AWAY QUICKLY!" Seriously, I can tell from your post that your Mom is poisoning your life and killing your happiness. Sometimes we must take drastic measures in order to find peace and happiness. It sounds as though your mother has a lot of growing up to do. Maybe your absence will give her the opportunity to do this. Good luck and God bless. :)
I know that's your mother but you may just have to let her go and love her from a distance and I mean far-far far distance because I know I couldn;t deal with that. And when she gets to running off at the mouth ask why she has been with that man for 30 years and hasn;t married him yet that should shut-her up for a minute.
Oh, M., you sound exhausted from dealing with all this! Your story is kind of confusing, too. You say you keep your distance but it sounds like you are still very intertwined with your mom especially. I don't think you can have it both ways since she has such poor boundaries. I suspect that, in addition to being very controlling, a lot of her antics are her way of loving you and your kids and trying to take care of you. Go figure, huh? Do you have a way that you can get counselling cheap or free - through an employee assistance program or your local community mental health agency? I'd start there. You need to sort this relationship out so you can establish healthy boundaries for all of you. There is a marvelous book called BOUNDARIES that's been out for quite a few years, and it might be very helpful to you. It sounds like, with all this history, you may not really understand what "normal" boundaries would look like. Good for you for encouraging your kids to go to college! I don't think you can just ignore your mom. She is your mom and you guys have to find some way to relate to each other, but you definitely need your own space. No reason your kids have to work for free for your parents, though helping their grandparents is a good thing if it's within reason. When my grandson lived with me, he cut the grass. If he does it now, I pay him since he's no longer part of our household. That makes sense to both of us. Now my brother lives here, so I expect him to help out. Please get some perspective on all this so you can decide how to make things better for all of you. Good luck, M.!
