Toddler Behavior - Henderson,NV

I understand you wanting herb to pick out her own shoes which is fine, but not to give her control, parents are supossed to be the ones in charge not the child, She sounds very undisciplined even though you say she is disciplined at home and in your home. You are a grandmother so I will assume you are probably around my age 53, I don't know about you, but if we would ever spitn at one of our parents, it would have been the first and last. Terrible two's is what parents make up to explain away the bad behavior of their child, I agree with your husband, my husband and I had a no tantrum policy inn our home, it just was not tollerated, again I agree with your husband, but properly and picking your battles. I have ran a home daycare for 13 years, and have raised 3 children of my own with my husband, and the kicking, spiting, allowing disrespectful hurtful words have and will never be tollereated, the dad needs to step up take control of his daughter, she's sounds really undisciplined. I read some of the other responses, no wonder kids act the way they do, I am happy I raised mine in the 70's. There is nothing wrong with giving children options, choices but not options or choices to obey or disobey, that's plainly foolish. J.

I'm with you on the value of the soft approach. Harsh discipline "works" with some kids by intimidating them into behaving, but this is not the same thing as internalizing the values and habits that lead to good choices once a child is no longer under the rule of the parent. And unfortunately, "tough love" or strict parenting has the unintended effect of hardening some children and making them more defiant.

I think some parents who believe in firm discipline may hear your word "soft" as meaning spineless or lenient. For that reason, I tend to use the term "mutually respectful."

Since a child's primary mode of learning a behavior is through imitation, a polite and respectful parent tends to produce a polite and respectful child. When forceful, demanding parents demand that their children behave meekly and obediently, no questions asked, they set up a confusing situation. Kids are required to "learn" through commands to do something other than what their parents are modeling. The resulting confusion and friction make the learning that much harder.

I've seen "problem" children turn around dramatically when this approach is instituted. They can instead become problem solvers, and they relish the chance to do this. One of my favorite resources that I use to keep polishing my skills in this area is a marvelous little book called How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. You might be happy to read this book, and perhaps your husband and this child's parents would be willing to check it out, as well.

I worked as a tutor for a few years with at-risk high school kids, tough and angry at the world. I treated them with respect, and they happily worked their butts off for me. How they craved being seen as capable, worthy people!

It sounds like you use your own version of discipline which is similar to Love and Logic - giving choices when possible, not getting worked up about little things, etc. I think that is great! It sounds like it worked for your children and it sounds like it works for your granddaughter when she is with you. You should encourage her parents to learn more about Love and Logic. They have books, CDs, and classes. Many schools are turning to Love and Logic because it is so successful with kids. There is a great book - Love and Logic for the Early Years (0-6) - that would probably be helpful to you and your daughter/her husband. Check it out! They also have a website, are on Facebook, and have a call center. Yes, you can call them and talk to a LIVE person and ask them questions about how to deal with difficult behaviors! Good Luck!

You didn't mention it, but do they discipline her? It seems odd that her daddy is having hurt feelings over his daughter's behavior. Who is in charge there? Are the parents united as one front for their daughter, or do they bicker over how to raise her? They need to present a united front to her, with the same vision and goals. She should see them as one, not two to pit against each other. This is a common issue in homes. The father needs to spend more time with her in both play and discipline. He cannot shy away from this role because he wants her to like him. She'll never respect him if he is more worried about her opinions on the matter than he is with being the parent. Consistent discipline is key. I think your husband is right. Strict discipline doesn't mean harsh, unloving, rigid relationships.

For the "guys" you might want to show them some research that shows (proves... as if common sense weren't enough, LOL) that giving toddlers choices helps them become independent and is very healthy for them and helps avoid the tantrums. Get them some articles (preferably from something other than American Baby magazine - something more manly) showing that kids that have tantrums because they are trying to have some control in their lives, and also because they have all these powerful emotions in these little bodies that they literally have no other outlet for. For whatever reason, guys tend to do better when they have "proof" instead of all the "touchy-feely" parenting (I know I'm stereotyping here, but in some cases, stereotypes are true...) and having it in print, from a source of authority can be helpful.

You might try sharing what has worked for you with your daughter & SIL. If you can point out that she was having a tantrum but you were about to stop it by offering a choice. Try to do it when the child is happy and everyone is not all stressed out by her behavior. Also, try to show them in action so they can see that it works. It will probably be hard for them to change what they are doing, and for them not to feel that they are being criticized, but if you can approach it when everyone is in a decent mood, and talk about some of the things that have worked or that you've seen other mom's do (sometimes, if it comes from a parent, the instinct reaction is to resist.... or to feel that it's a criticism)....

I have a son that is quickly moving into the "terrible twos" phase. It's hard for people, especially men, from your husbands generation to accept any other type of discipline than what they grew up with. As far as the issues your daughter and son-in-law are having, I would chalk it up to being parents of a two year old. My son is MUCH more willful and disobedient with me and my husband than he is with his grandmothers. One reason is because, whether you realize it or not, you are letting your granddaughter get her way most of the time. I, too, give my son choices instead of forcing him into doing it "my or the highway" but when he doesn't choose one of the options I give him, the only recourse I have is to force him to do what needs to be done. When my Mom gives him choices and he chooses something other than what she has offered up, she let's him do or have whatever he chooses to keep him happy. So she sees the good side of him 99% of the time even though that means she let him eat 4 oreos for lunch instead of his chicken!! The lesson he learned from that is that he would rather eat lunch with Grandma than with Momma.

I wish I knew a way to explain to your son-in-law that her feelings toward him are TOTALLY NORMAL behavior, because I would tell my husband the same thing! But Daddy's can't always understand that simple explanation.

Hang in there a keep being a wonderful grandmother.

Children who are willful often get worse with a traditional approach to discipline. I recommend reading Transforming the Difficult Child: The Nurtured Heart Approach. It is particularly focused on parenting "high intensity" children. Our older son used to have the same behavior with his father, and nothing we did seemed to help. Then we got this book, employed the techniques, and now he is the sweetest kid and we rarely see tantrums, and never the kicking/hitting/spitting anymore.

I know how hard it is, but stick with it. Your heart is in the right place, so it will lead you to the best solution.