Too Much Responsibility

Prioritize, cut back, and SHARE the rest.

I love how everyone calls it "delegation" like you're in charge of everything. Sorry, that's silly. Family work belongs to the entire family. It's not "Mom's work" that you assign to everyone else like you're the boss of the company.

First of all, you need to have a family meeting. Talk about what it means to support one another and respect that one person shouldn't have to do everything. Many hands make work light. Talk about who is able to do what? Do you have kids who are playing while the adults are doing the chores? That should never happen. If chores are being done, EVERYONE should be helping until the work is done. We call it "family work" because we do the chores as a family, and when they're done, we can relax as a family.

Delegation is great--IF you can.
My husband is every bit as busy as I am! Lol
There are things that:
Must be done
Must be done eventually
Could be done at anytime
Would be nice to be done eventually

Work down the list.
Stop after #1 sometimes.
Hit the gym.
Watch a movie
Grab a coffee with a book-or a friend

Why are YOU doing it all?

Why can't your husband cart HIS mother around?
Why do YOU have to do the finances?
Why can't you hire someone to clean the house? If you can't afford that - then get your kids to pick up after themselves.

Stop being a martyr. Delegate. Learn to say NO. Tell your husband to step up to the plate and be part of the team.

Why are YOU picking up the dog mess?? That's a chore for my kids.

Volunteering? Love to volunteer. However, you need to take care of YOU. Right now I see you being a control freak and no one else can do it like you can. STOP. Tell your husband what his responsibilities are. If this is new to him?? Sit him down and talk with him and say "I'm TRYING not to be a control freak, I need YOU to pick up the slack and do x, y and z." Give him a chance to do it. Will it be the way you want it done? Most likely not - but give him a chance.

The house can wait - believe it or not. Hire someone to come in and clean it every week or every two weeks. It doesn't have to be perfect, you know that right? Tell your kids to make their own beds. Tell your kids to pick up after themselves.

If your kids are older (6+) have them take the laundry to the laundry room. They can even sort it.

STOP being a control freak. Seriously. DELEGATE!!!! SAY NO!!!

Practice with me "No, I'm sorry - my schedule is full. I cannot help you today. I can, however, help you on this day."

"John. You need to pay the bills today. Here are the passwords and login. This is what needs to be done. TODAY."

John, I need you to balance the checkbook. Here's the items you need.

Good luck!

You delegate. You defer. You say no.

You accept your role in this untenable situation, which was in saying "yes" to so many things. You also have to figure out why your husband has you ferrying his mother while you have a business to run and all the responsibility for cleaning, gifts and child care.

Then you scale back. You find a dog walker, even a 10 or 11 year old who wants some cash for a little after-school work. You divide up the Christmas list so you and your husband split it at worst, or give him 70% and you take 30%. Why do you have to do it all? Forget the closets until after the holidays, if then. Finances? You mean paying bills unrelated to your business? Your husband takes those on. Your husband takes his mother on the weekends, or you maybe do some of it. But during the week, you have a business to run. You are not a taxi service. Although there are some that take the elderly where they need to go, and there are often community van services that take them to doctors' appointments, the senior center, etc. You (and she) can sign up for a supermarket grocery delivery service., and you can include some ready-made meals like a cooked rotisserie chicken and a few sides.

Say no. Give yourself a gift of not making beds. Use gift bags instead of wrapping paper if you have to. Split the work. You don't have to be everything to everyone. You need to take care of your sick little one, and you need to take care of yourself. This responsibility level is self-imposed, and it's time to unload it. Good luck!

I take a personal day off of work on a day when everyone else is at work/school/daycare and I do something that I want to do, like get a pedicure or take a nap.

I also periodically re-evaluate what is essential in life and cut back on volunteer stuff that doesn't qualify as very very important. In essence, I remind myself it's ok to say no.

I swear to God, I used to wipe the finger prints off the wall on the legs on my jeans while on the way upstairs to iron my husband's shirt with a baby in one arm and a laundry basket in the other while balancing a phone between my ear and shoulder telling my mom sure I'll pick her up for church in a half hour, with two or three toddlers hanging off my legs, all on 2 hours sleep since the middle one was up throwing up all night.

I just wanted everything to be just right for everybody. In hindsight, it was more ME expecting these things of me than anyone else (probably you'd like to slap me for that).

I have no idea how you do it.

I don't have a lot of tips for you, but I want you to know it WILL eventually slow down. I promise.

Now I'm down to one hs senior left in the house and not working at all. Occasionally I'll have a very productive day and get a bunch of stuff done in only two hours which prompts me to think what the hell I do all day every OTHER day. And feel a brief twinge of guilt for not being wildly busy anymore, but only a brief one. I paid my dues after all.

Be good to yourself, okay?

:)

oh, sweetie. you're breaking my heart.
i was you 20 years ago. it was SO hard. and there's really nothing you can drop, is there?
but you can clear you slate, just a little. on a sick day when you're home with your little one, let the dog poop slide (it's frozen after all, right?) and the housework go. i know, i know, it will all fall on you later and getting behind can mean an avalanche, but you really do need mini-breaks and when you're spread this thinly, everything suffers.
i know this is SO much easier to say than to do, but if you take an afternoon and snuggle on the couch with your little fellow, and don't let yourself drift into 'i should be......', it will be so good for both of you. the most toxic and exhausting mental treadmill is to rush from thing to thing, all the while angsting over what you're NOT doing. you could leave your son and clean up the poop, but the whole time you're probably beating yourself up for not being with him. you can sit on the couch with him and a book, but if you're in a mental whirl because you *should* be christmas shopping, neither you nor he will get the deep breath and needed connection.
you probably can't get a mental health month, but you probably CAN get a mental health day. or even an afternoon. X it out on your calendar just as you would a doctor's appointment or a work day. and designate it as NOTHING. no kids, no shopping, no cleaning, no wrapping. just a few sweet hours of whatever you've been craving most- a nap, a good book, catching up on game of thrones, going for a hike, getting a massage.
you'll try to guilt-trip yourself into being 'useful.' bitchslap that voice into oblivion. your entire family will benefit if you self-nurture, just a little.
i always thought that once i had the time i'd be SOOOOOO very efficient and caught up. now that i'm in that sweet period of my life where the endless demands have slowed way down, so have i. i'm not getting anything done that i thought i'd do. if anything, i'm ever more inefficient (and for me that's saying something.) but i'm a whole lot more chilled out. your day will come too, hon.
khairete
S.

Make a list of everything you want to do. Then underline everything that doesn'T have to be done. Then prioritize the things that have to be done. Use a calendER and write down what has to be done in order of importance. Add a couple of "want to do" items and put them amongst the have to dos.

I would drop doing things such as volunteer work for now. You can add them back in later when you're more organized and less stressed. Consider if there are things you currently think are must dos that you could handle differently. For example as a single person I thought I had to maintain a neat house which I could do by only picking up on the weekend. Once I adopted my 7 yo daughter I discovered I had less stress once my daughter and I learned to pick up together every night. Same with dishes. Instead of doing them every night I put them in dishwasher as they were dirtier and taught my daughter to do the same. Dishes went from table to dishwasher instead of to sink. By analyzing my expectations I discovered I could live without mopping every week.

Be sure to do at least one thing a day just for your pleasure! I also say "scew it" and put my feet up from time to time. Not for a whole month but for a whole day or 2 or 3.

first off, grasshopper..dont take on responsibilities that arent yours. your mil isnt your responsibility.. not your mother, not your problem...a sick child should take priority..your job can wait a day or two while your child gets better, the dishes, laundry..whatever can wait a day or two...momcode allows you to order takeout , rather then cook, while your child is sick..as long as the coffee maker is still working and the phone works..everything else can wait a day or so..its not like martha stewart is going camp out in your living room anyday this week.. K. h.

This is self inflicted.
You need to learn to delegate and you need to off load some of this stuff before you explode.
Volunteering? If you've got the time after everything else - fine.
If not - it falls to the way side until things calm down again.
The dog - the kids need to take care of it - and if they won't then the dog needs a new home.
Growing up we never had pets because my Mom just didn't have the time or money - but we could pet sit animals and that was fine for short term responsibility.
You can not go full speed all the time else you will wear yourself out.
You need breaks.
Make sure you get them.

I don't buy any christmas presents :) My daughter is getting a plane ticket (already bought) to visit her sister, and I'll find a concert ticket to buy for my boyfriend and I to have a night out. That's it.

I rarely volunteer. My house (apartment) is often messy. I don't have a dog.

I agree with those who've said delegate and outsource.

I may be resigning or cutting my work hours bc of how you feel. Do you need your business? If you're making money at it, hire other help. Have your husband drive his own mother. Stop volunteering. I have lately. Too busy or busy enough I'd be really po'd having even less time. So not much volunteering lately. Some of it never ends and most people are busy but when it gets to be too much, unless you're very poor or there's an illness or someone has 6 kids ( blame them), you have to take control and cut back and/or hire help. And venting helps. And at least take a little break. Go see a movie alone

"Mother" your sick boy. That's what we moms are here for. The dog poop
can wait. :)
I know it can get overwhelming.
Here's what I do...turn on the news to see how truly lucky I am & take 5
deep breaths.
Take care of your kids AND yourself.
I almost died once so now I realize everything is "the little stuff". I
re-adjusted my thinking but you don't need a near death experience
to slow down & enjoy the small things (your kids etc.).
When I'm walking w/my youngest & the our 2 big dogs pulling me & my
youngest wants to smell the roses.....I let him.
It's a daily reminder. A daily re-adjustment.
I use a symbols to help me remember to slow down like the sound of a
siren or the sight of a hospital to stop myself, check myself & remember
what is truly important.
Remember....all the little stuff can wait. And it's ALL mostly small stuff
(laundry, lawn mowing, cleaning the stove top etc.).
I'll never get this time back w/my kids but hopefully I won't have to live
w/any regrets.
You know....I never remember seeing my mom dust, mop but our house
was always clean. She did it while we were in school then when we
came home she made us a snack, set out crafts for us to do, took us
to the mall to see Santa, drove us around to look at lights at night w/dad,
made gingerbread houses w/us (make the easy ones from ghraham
crackers & frosting).
Sometimes you just need a breather. Sounds like YOU could use one.
Remember, some things can wait (the dog poop etc.). ;)
Tend to your sick little one, do the minimum today, chill with your sick
child on the couch w/a cup of coffee or cocoa & watch a Christmas
movie toghether or let him watch cartoons while you surf the net or
read!! Whatever you do....relax & enjoy the day!!!

I was a single mom for most of my daughter's growing up years.
I did it all - worked, went back to college (while still working), cooked the meals, cleaned the house, did the laundry, paid the bills, took care of the animals, took care of her while she was sick.
You do what you gotta do when there is no one else to do it. But if the kids' dad is part of the household, he needs to step up and take on his share of the load. Bringing home a paycheck isn't the be-all and end-all of his responsibilities.

Prioritize, delegate, divide and conquer. Let go of expectations you cannot reach. If you are unable to take MIL somewhere, ask DH to do it, call her a cab, etc. Even small kids can do some chores to help you out....or pick up dog poop. Heck, there are even companies who will do that for you!

What responsibilities does your husband have? What responsibilities do your children have? They should be doing things within the household to keep it running, you're a family not a one woman show.
We split things up. Laundry, everyone gets it in their hamper and carries that hamper outside to the garage where the machines are. I take care of the sorting and washing. They help carry the clean clothes upstairs and help fold and put it all away. In exchange for me doing all the sorting and washing alone I do not have to touch the dishwasher, that is someone else's job. One collects all the dishes from around the house, one unloads and my husband loads it and gets it washing. Trash, one kid collects all the small trash cans from bedrooms and bathrooms into one bag and it gets taken out. One kid gets the cans out to the curb on trash day. My husband takes the kitchen trash and recycle out. We all share responsibilities to take care of the cats. This is how everything works. You didn't make the whole mess, you should not be picking up the whole mess. It is also OK to not have a spotless, showroom house. Keep the gross things clean (trash, dishes, laundry type things) but let the rest go when you need to. Don't worry if things aren't dusted or there is clutter sitting around.
My husband helps with cooking. The kids are of an age where they can make sandwiches for the family for lunch or pop something into the microwave. We all help keep the family fed. We are also not above getting something out if we're all done with our day and still need dinner.
I rarely volunteer for anything anymore. My immediate family needs to come first, I need to come first. I don't have time. I say no. I don't entertain because I have no time to deal with it. I meet people outside my home when I have the time instead.
Why are you your mother in law's taxi service? If she is unable to drive herself anymore then you need to find a service that can.
You should be sharing in all the household responsibilities. There will be days where I do more or my husband will do more for various reasons. The kids will do more or less depending on the day. If the kids are outside helping with major yard work I'm more willing to put away their laundry that particular day for instance. If my husband has a heavy deadline at work I will pick up the slack and do the dishes.
When things really get to be far too much I walk away for a day. My escape is I love going to Disneyland. When I tell my husband I need to go he knows I need the stress relief and off we go.

After the holidays hopefully it will calm down some. Otherwise teach your husband how to help.

I used to feel just like you but I was a single parent. Every responsiblity fell on my shoulders. No relief, no release, no respite but then I got wiser. I began to count my blessings and enlist the help of my village. Who is your village? Where are the friends, family and businesses you count on to help you in everything you need to do?

Do you control your schedule? If so, schedule in blocks of free time. How can you better manage your time? Do you have any trusted friends that can drive your MIL around or watch your sick son for a few hours? Can you trim back your volunteer hours or days? Who in your family can be assigned the responsibility of picking up the dog poop? Can you get a housekeeper or a mother's helper to do some light housework? Have you even actually priced it as a possibilty? Do you have a friend that is good at something that you just don't like donig that you could exchange services for?

According to your business plan for your business what is your exit strategy? Would this be a good time to exit the business by selling it, dismantling it, downsizing it or turning it over to trusted employees?

I used to be stressed out just like you but I took an honest inventory of my life and the things I do with it and determined EVERYTHING isn't important and vital. If I have a list of 20 things to do in a day and I successfully complete 5, I'm good with that. The sky won't fall down and the most important things are always done the rest is just extra. I also learned the importance of breaks and vacations and down time. Balance is very important. Get yourself in balance. Schedule down time. Plan things out better and you will be better for it. It doesn't mean that things won't happen but you will be better prepared to deal with them when you have your village in place and use them appropriately.

Is there a husband or significant other in the picture?

You mention a mother-in-law but there is no mention at all of a husband to go with her. If you are on your own and care for MIL because husband is not in the picture -- I'm sorry.

If he is in the picture:

Does he get that that the mom/businesswoman/cleaner/personal shopper/his own mom's chauffeur is unhappy? I'd tell him that you are and that it stops now.

If your business is not essential for your family's finances and future, cut it back or stop it temporarily.

If it IS financially essential, or it isn't but it does keep you sane and interested: Keep it and tell your husband that he and you need to sort out other rides for HIS mother at least until the holidays are over. And he does the Christmas shopping instead of you, and he wraps and ships (the post office IS open late nights and on weekends during the holidays so "I work in an office all day" is not an excuse for him). Or: He wants Aunt Soandso to have a gift? He goes online, orders one and has it delivered. Same with other presents-- he can online shop and have things sent; why are YOU buying and shipping in person? If he thinks it's impersonal, well, consider how impersonal it'll be when Auntie gets nothing this year because you said he was in charge of gifts....

Ask yourself objectively how much of the frustration is with NOW - with the holidays and the added expectations that you will shop, you will wrap, you will ship, you will keep the house in ideal holiday shape, you will get stuff done that benefits everyone....

A woman who is running a business from home (I assume you are?) is just as employed as a man working outside the home. If his seeing that is an issue, it's a larger an much more serious issue than temporary holiday busy-ness. And it's something to work on so he starts doing more of the things you are now doing for the entire family. I note that the at-home parent is taking care of the sick kid, but what if your business required you to be out of the house at crucial meeting? Would dad take off work to come tend his child? Be sure that you and he have a balance there or you will never end the frustration until you end the job or the kids are grown.

If he's appreciative and truly understands that you are overloaded, then sit down and tell him that you need someone else, namely him, to do X, Y and Z or they will not be done this year. Then follow through. Don't cave in and do things that you have said are not your job this year.

And any kid old enough to help out should be helping clean up the house iin whatever way is most age-appropriate.

I'm a single mom of 3 with full custody and a large old house and yard with no budget for any cleaning help and no family in my state.....so you can imagine I'm a tad behind at all times...the kid's dad travels 99% of the year and does not help with ANYTHING unless he's visiting and that presents its own challenges.. BUT I don't work! Thank god. I don't know who would do EVERYTHING if I did. From house work to yard work to finances to EVERY SINGLE KID THING EVERY DAY (yes, I've been house-bound for days on end with three vomiting kids while I had to call a friend to drop off groceries...a FEW TIMES). My kids are 8, 6 and 5.

All any of us can do is balance what we HAVE to do and what we CAN do and go with that. It's hard to find the balance when you're a hard worker to begin with with high expectations for yourself.

After a few years of denial and pretending I could do it all, which was slowly killing me, I had to let go of some things. Some hard things. But this year is much better than last year.

I pulled my kids from Tae Kwon Do this year. I told myself it's temporary. We needed to financially to met another goal. But the time it has opened up has been life changing. I used to take them all 4 afternoons per week and to many Saturday events. Gone. Phew. But it hurts when they say they miss it and point out the belts they aren't achieving :( My older two were REALLY advanced and great at it compared to classmates. Ugh. Sad, but I just can't manage it right now.

I used to homeschool. Had to put them in public school this year. So I have time to actually manage the house better among other things I have to do to edge back into work force..plus we want to move and I have to prepare the house... I don't love their less advanced curriculums now, but I take an hour to read to them every night from the history materials (which combine geography, science, vocabulary, religion and art all in one) we used to use. It's become a great way to spend time together at night without TV and such after dinner. I also listen to them practice their instruments after dinner. Whether the house is clean or not.

I have to say no to way more events and favors than I was before. Sometimes it's REALLY hard when you want to be a helpful good person. But you have to say no.

And lots of times I do have to breath and remember: The kids can do it. When I feel like the whole house is in shambles, I say, "OK, kids, clean up your rooms. In one half hour whatever is out of place I will collect in a garbage bag and give away." Voila, their rooms get done. WITHOUT MY HELP. Then I put them all on living room and toy room duty. Voila done except for little perfecting touches I still need to do. That leaves me with the kitchen and the laundry. Manageable. I taught my oldest how to do bathrooms.

So anyway, your list will be different, and we all need to make clearer schedules, but that's it. You WILL always be too busy. You WILL always be behind, but you CAN improve things somewhat, and you ARE NOT alone :)

What is your business? Maybe you can quit. I quit a high stress corporate pressure cooker job many years ago. Our income dropped quite a bit, but frankly we didn't really miss it.
I quit my job before I had my dd, and I think that's why I got pregnant after years of infertility. I finally relaxed a little. I work part-time now and it doesn't interfere with our lives that much.

I work full-time, I have three kids who are active in sports which keeps us going 5 nights per week and at least one day on the weekend, a husband who is currently laid off (which is why projects are being taken care of at home), a husband who is also in school, and I was in school until two years ago when I completed my MBA. When my husband was working, it was 2 hours away and so 95% of the things that needed done daily (kids events at school, doctor's visits, deliveries or repairs at the house, etc) fell 100% on me.

You know what - nothing stopped moving in the world when all of this was going on. Things somehow just work. I took days to do nothing. The kids and my husband help a LOT. I do nap sometimes...sometimes I say "screw it" and let the house be a mess and the laundry pile up. Just take breaks for yourself - it's so necessary!!

If you can't afford to take a dog off, either emotionally or financially, then think about what you can eliminate from your responsibility list. Is your mother in law an invalid? Doesn't have transportation? can she change her days or stock up on her needs so that is less? Do you need the dog? Is it a protector? or can you find someone else to pay a couple of bucks to walk the dog at certain times? Volunteering is wonderful if you have the time, but if your family and your health are paying for your 'good deeds' then perhaps you should save volunteering for another time. And if it's mandatory (gotta bring something for the children's Christmas party) then perhaps purchase something instead of making your filetminonchocolate cookie strata or whatever it is. Mini vacations in the mind are important here and taking care of yourself is important and that means you have to cut back. Or take a bubble bath.