I have posted about my father here before. I ended up sending him a Christmas card with some restaurant gift cards in it. I never received so much as a thank you. He did not even send anything for my children. He is divorced from his 3rd wife, who I still talk to weekly. I cannot blame her for divorcing him since I cannot even stand to be in the same room with him.
According to my stepmother, he had intended to send a card to me. However, she read it and he had written nasty stuff in it along the lines of "You made your choice and this is it for me". She told him that he shouldn't send me the card with all of the negative, nasty words. She told him to go get another card and send it. I never received anything from him.
I can't say that I didn't expect this. He has now turned the entire situation around that it is MY fault that we no longer talk. Frankly, the reason that we do not talk is that I couldn't have a civil, surficial conversation with him without him being openly critical and hostile towards me. I flat couldl not take it anymore and decided to distance myself for my own sanity and peace of mind. Luckily we live in a different state than he does. I cannot figure out why it bothers me so much that he turned this around to be my fault.
He has made it clear that he wishes to have nothing else to do with me. Frankly, I don't want a relationship with him either. Why do I feel so damn guilty about it? It is a win-win situation for me...
My previous post about him:
http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/7104489090904686593
You don't have to feel guilty.
Seek some counseling to get over it.
You can't force him to be the father you want him to be.
He is who he is.
Let it and him and the guilt go.
Live long and prosper!
You feel guilty b/c he is your dad and he's pointing fingers and giving you all the blame, eventhough it is clearly not your fault. You cannot change him. (see your notes about 3 failed marriages). He has to want to change. You need to just move on with your life. Remind yourself that he made his choices, you made yours. You put forth efford. He did not. You can't make him want a relationship. So sorry.
Because he's your father and deep down you want it to work out. There is nothing wrong with wanting that, hoping for it, but it sounds like the reality is that it isn't going to work out.
My father was an alcoholic and he could be mean and nasty too. Even when he was being nice (as nice as an alcoholic can be) everything was my fault. He didn't take responsibility for anything...ever. That is why he was an alcoholic...he just suppressed his emotions.
Your father may not be an alcoholic, but the situations are similar. I understand your guilt, trust me, but it's not your fault. Counseling is not a bad idea. Deep down you may know it's not your fault but you still feel sad, bad, angry. You will basically have to mourn your father and your relationship. This will be a hard road for you, but it sounds like cutting him out of your life may be the best choice. Remember to do what you need to do to make peace for yourself. If that means writing him a final letter or something, do it. If that means trying to call him or doing nothing at all, then do that, but make sure you are happy with what you've done so that you never look back and have regrets.
You feel guilty because you feel responsible for him. You're not. You really are not responsible for him. Look at how you turned out in spite of him.
I have a toxic father too, and it's why I'm such a control freak and so OCD. It's why I have depression and anxiety. I've internalized everything he ever did because that's just how "awesome" my dad was as a parent. So when he criticizes me to this day, I still feel the guilt. When he behaves like an idiot to other family members or any other human being, I feel guilty and responsible for his attitude and behavior even if I had nothing to do with it.
I swear that every interaction I have with him that's negative sends me straight back to being a scared little five year old.
Of course you feel guilty, he's your father and you're supposed to love and honor him. But, how can you do that when he is such a nasty piece of work?
He places the blame on you, and it bothers you because IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! It is a lie that he tells himself and others. It sounds like everyone else believes you though.
Know that you cannot fix your father or this relationship. It is not your fault and he will never ever recognize that.
What I would do is have a mock funeral for him. Write him a letter stating everything you ever wanted to say to him - all your anger, frustration, disappointment, love, etc. Read it aloud and then burn it and then bury the ashes. Let it go. Let him go. Don't contact him again. It will only lead to disappointment and self doubt. You do not deserve that. I'd also seek some therapy to help you work through this.
{{{Hugs}}}
you will feel guilty.
then you will look at your kids and you will remember, this is what is best for them.
him being in your life hurts you. it stresses you out. it makes you feel bad about things you can't change.
do you want your kids to inherit that legacy?
i made the decision to remove toxic people from my life. it was the best choice i ever made. unfortunately, my son does not know his grandpa. but that really isn't even a downside- he has SO many other positive, loving people in his life. he doesn't need that toxicity. he doesn't need to be made to feel worthless and ashamed.
also keep in mind- this does NOT have to be a lifetime sentance. my father is starting to show signs of wising up. maybe. who knows, maybe in another year or two things will be different for us. but this is how it is right now, and how it's been for about 5 years. and i do NOT regret it.
think of your kids if nothing else. what happened to you will likely happen to them if you allow him to stay in your life. that's the bottom line.
You may be mourning what "could have been"?
You took the high road.
He didn't.
You can't change that or him.
For myself....
If I feel guilty ->
Then its my fault ->
=
I can fix it.
If its not my fault, then I can't fix it.
So I often feel guilty about things when I'm feeling powerless & trying not to / trying to exert control in an uncontrollable situation.
