Two and a Half Year Old MeltDowns?!?!

If the melt downs all happen around getting dressed in the AM - I've heard of people dressing thier kids in comfy T and shorts after bath, send to bed, and wake up dressed for the day. Hey - when dealing with toddlers we do what we can! and let the rest go.

I have one suggestion for you that might help. When you try to let her choose, only give her 2 options. If she has too many options, that may fuel the fire. If she doesn't want the outfit you chose, pick out only 1 more choice. Hope this hhelps.

If time isn't an issue really...I'd just put up a baby gate or close the door and tell here that when she's done crying and is ready to be nice she may come out of her room...then leave. Your staying around is only fueling because she's getting attention. My daughter did the same thing and this worked better....it cut our fits down to about 10 minutes instead of close to an hour because she realized she didn't like to be in there alone.

M.

Dear C.,

This may seem odd and very childish but it may work. Our oldest son went through something similar. When he didn't get his way about anything he would have a temper tantrum in the middle of the floor wherever we were.
I talked to my mother-in-law and she gave me this advice. When she starts throwing herself around and carrying on get in the middle of the floor and begin throwing your own fit. Act exactly like a two year (your two year old) old would if you didn't get your way. In a little while she'll realize she's not getting the attention she wants and she'll look at you as if you've gone mad. LOL And you're going to feel like an idiot more than likely. Of course you may not want to try this in public! LOL

Needless to say, this only took our son only twice of seeing his mama in the floor acting irrationally and carrying on like a monkey having fits, for him to stop this unbecoming behavior.

Embarrasingly enough, the key is not to stop when she quits having her fit. Continue for about 30 seconds to one minute longer.

I hope this monkey mama has helped in some way.

Sweet Dreams,

;0) T.
Collinsville, OK 74021

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I agree with the other Mom about leaving the room. My daughter has the worst scream you have ever heard and she use to do it ALL the time! It gave me headaches everyday. I started to put her in her room and tell her we don't act like that and then shut the door. I just kept doing it and eventually she stopped or would run to her room to scream and throw a fit and come out a minute later.

Is it possible to get her dressed while she is still asleep without waking her up? Maybe let her pick out the outfit the night before and then dress her right before you wake up in the morning. My son will sometimes pitch a fit while I'm trying to get him dressed, so I start as early as I can with him and take it slow when he is having one of his mornings. I found that it's easier for me to take my time getting him dressed, because I can rush getting myself ready a lot easier than trying to rush him. His fits aren't nearly like your daughter's, so I really don't know what else to tell you. Good luck!

Sounds like a 2-year old! Perfectly normal.

Time outs don't really work for 2-year olds. Neither does discussing feelings. Not beyond the really basic stuff, and not much that gets *her* talking about feelings, because she doesn't understand them, herself. *Whenever* she's having a meltdown, you can start by saying, very empathetically, "you seem really upset right now." She might go on for another minute, and you can repeat various versions, and mirror her actions with words. "This is really tough for you. Your arms are swinging like this. You're mad!" She will probably start to calm down because you're in effect helping to vent her feelings. Strong feelings are just overwhelming to such young children. (That's why time-outs and punishments in the moment, or threats of them - in the moment - won't help.)

Don't isolate her and tell her to come out of her room when she's ready to be nice. This seems like great advice, teaching a child to calm down, and I used to think it made sense, but it was explained to me this way: it actually teaches children that they are loved conditionally, and worse, it makes them suppress their feelings by force, teaches them to avoid negative emotions or issues rather than dealing with them, and *doesn't* teach them the skills they need in life to work through feelings and problems. It just teaches them to fake a smile/be submissive to make others happy and get along in life. By intuiting and voicing your daughter's feelings for her, you're teaching her to voice them for herself. This is a process, and it doesn't happen overnight - simply because children don't become adults overnight. But having that voice is what starts a child on the path of communicating and calmly working through conflicts rather than throwing fits.

I have an idea, below, for avoiding this particular conflict, but if it comes up for a while, anyway, as she gets used to getting dressed not being an issue, help her get through it, give her calm support and love, and then, as she's calming down, have her do just one little piece of it at a time. Tell her this: "We'll just do this a little at a time, so it's not so hard on you." (For a two-year old, dressing oneself is a HUGE task and while she wants to do everything by herself, if she gets to, she will feel way too overloaded to do it, so it freaks her out. That's one of the biggest problems of being two!)

Go with the "little at a time" idea. Give yourself and her extra time in the morning to take breaks. Maybe take the process a bit away from the area where the conflict occurs, in front of the closet or dresser or wherever. Have a pair of socks in the kitchen and in a happy moment doing something else, say, your toes look cold! Let's warm them up! Keep her focused on her doll or whatever. If she gets upset, slow it down and try to intuit what she's feeling. Maybe if she helps you, she'll feel empowered, but not overwhelmed.

Even if it takes an effort, be goofy. Let her "catch" you trying to put on a sweater of hers. Get her laughing. Then do something silly, like tossing it on her head and say, maybe I'm putting it on wrong. Does it go on your head like a hat? Hey, what a pretty hat! Oh, but I can't see you now!" Etc. You can do this at any time of day, not just when it's time to get dressed. This will soon get across the idea that putting on clothes doesn't have to be a big fight.

I got most of this from Becky Bailey's Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline. It's an incredibly insightful book. Check it out from your library! It'll save you a lot of headaches!

L.

She doesn't seem to be getting enough sleep. Try moving her bedtime up and letting her wake up on her own. Also, make a morning routine so she knows what to look forward to. When my 2 yo has the same tantrums, about getting dressed or brushing her teeth, I leave her to finish the tantrum. When she quiets down I ask her if she's staying home by herslef because everyone is dressed and ready to go. It also helps when I playfully wake her those mornings she doesn't get up on her own. I ask her silly questions in her sleep to make her laugh. I never shake my girls awake. I talk to them or tickle their toes.

Talking about feelings isn't going to work. She can't communicate as well, that's the reason for the tantrums. She can't tell you exactly why she doesn't want to get dressed. She just knows she doesn't want to right then.

Just make sure she is getting about 10 hours of sleep per night.

Hi C.
I have a nearly 2 yr old daughter and we have this same issue, only it's usually pajamas that she resists putting on. I have started using some sort of "bribe" to get the job done. I wait for her to ask for something, like some milk, or read a book and if it's anywhere near bedtime, I will say, "let's get your jammies on first." Then, if she resists while dressing I say, "Do you want to read a book?" She will say yes, then I say, "then you have to get your jammies on." This has not failed yet. You could pair getting dressed in the morning with going outside, or turning on her favorite TV show. Anything you know she will enjoy would probably work. Good Luck!

i agree with tammy s. my brother would hit his head on the floor when he didnt get what he wanted so my grandmother did the same thing he was doing and he stopped and looked at her and didnt do it again good luck.

Hey C., You mentioned you are a Navy wife, thanks, by the way. I was an Army wife and we travelled and moved alot. Whenever we moved this would upset the kids to some degree, until we got settled. We have 3 kids, who are now young adults. It sounds like she is just going through the life changes that two year olds go through and with possibly some extra changes like moving, or Dad being gone, or Dad and Mom adapting to the changing and moving, or the combination. Military life is great, but has it's inherit problems that civilian life doesn't have. I would just let her cry, I would console her and of course not allow any bad behavior during these spells, like the hitting and spitting. I mean we all (at any age) need our time to vent some, it's all in how you vent. I think spanking her might make it worse. Just be there for her, redirect some of her anger, maybe with a walk, some exercise, a bubble bath, playing dolls with her, whatever she likes, maybe a little negotiation, maybe some time out. Just stay in tune to when and what might start these episodes, maybe it's what she is eating or her sleeping habits? I would try it all, but mainly be there for her when she gets upset, don't let her upset you, (easier said than done), and let her know you are in control and that you love her so much.

Dear C.

The first time my children tried throwing those kinds of tantrums I spanked them and it never happened again.

This was completely normal in my household and it went of for months and then finally, it slowed. My daughter who will be three in August now only tantrums once a week. This is a vast improvement.

It's frustrating. I don't think that there is a good answer except a bit of what's already been said. The most important thing (and I've learned the hard way) is to stay calm and walk away if you have to. Screaming back, hitting, threatening, is not going to work.

If I was unable to walk away, I learned to crouch down to her level. It didn't always stop her from crying but that position did help me remain calm for some reason.

Good luck. It's tough but I assure you that it will end one day.

Since she normally falls asleep after, my opinion is that she is having these melt downs because she is tired. I would put her down for a nap more often or try a different time than she uses now

Hi C.
Have you tried giving her two choices? If she sees that she has control of either/or of the outfits she will not fight you so much. Her control is important even with foods. It worked for me and my children. Good luck.
C. S.
Grams of 18

I, too, agree with the ladies that suggested you throw a tantrum of your own. I have a daughter that hit her "terrible twos" about 3 months too early! She just hit two a few days ago. When she started to throw fits, I would call it her little "ugly cry" and I would do the ugly cry, too. I would say, "oh, we are so upset! Let's do our ugly cry" and I would wail just like her, on the floor, acting a fool! She looked at me like I was simply insane and went about doing normal activities. When the "ugly cry" session was over, I would sit with her and ask her what was wrong. Most of the time, she could try and explain after she was calm and amused...good luck, fellow toddler mom!

Hi C.! I also have a 2 1/2 yr old little girl who acts the same way. She is such a drama queen...LOL. I think it is just a stage....she is getting ready for her Terrible 3's....which I can already see are going to be worse than the 2's. Hang in there....hopefully the meltdowns will stop soon.

Here's a few suggestions.

First, have her pick out her clothes before bed. Give her 2 or 3 options at most, and then let her choose. That at least avoids adding time to the morning routine.

Second, predetermine maybe 3 different consequences to her tantrums. Think of several things that are very important to her like playing outside or with a favorite toy, staying up late, etc. When you get ready to get dressed or pick the outfit, give her 3 tickets representing the consequences. If she starts to argue or pitch a fit, take one away. If she pitches a 2nd, take a 2nd, etc. If all 3 (or 4) get taken, not only does she lose the privileges, she must go to bed immediately after dinner, and you get to pick the outfit. Any additional fits the next morning get tickets taken away again!

Alternately, you could make her stay in "jammies" even if it means going out in them. It would probably be more difficult for you, but as long as the jammies are "decent" there really wouldn't be a problem. (I'd explain the situation to any daycare or preschool program she might attend). And be prepared to follow through on any consequences you give her or tell her about.

Good luck.

Here's something you might try: When she gets ready for bed at night, put the shirt on her that she's going to wear the next day. That's one less thing you have to worry about changing. It helps our morning routine.
Since it doesn't happen every morning, have you noticed anything that may tigger it the night before or that morning? Is there something different she does or even eats the night before? Does she sleep good the nights when she wakes upset? Maybe if you can find a way to forsee the melt down, you can find away around it.
Good luck!

Hello,
It might be possible your daughter has sensory issues related to the clothing or process of dressing. If this is the case, discipline would not be the answer, therapy would. Maybe read some on sensory processing disorder to see if your daughter has any other indications of sensory issues. Two great books are Sensational Kids (Miller) and The Out of Sync Child. There is lots of good information on line too. If this is the case, she may truly be overwhelmed and unable to comply. Blessings to you and your precious daughter, R.