UPDATED Son Being Left Out

The kids are getting older and they want to do things with their friends. You are going to have to do those thing yourself with your son and his friends. It is what it is.
It's not your SIL's job to include your son every single time they do something fun.
Relax. Make some plans with other families. Move on.
LBC

The only excuse I can come up with your SIL is that her kids have developed friendships that the parents want to foster. As kids grow, they make friends, and do stuff with friends. I do agree your son should have been told he was not invited for breakfast with Santa but I also think this is an outing that parents should plan for their kids, not the extended family. So maybe your SIL thinks it's time you and your husband start organizing such events for your child, and maybe her children too.
Good luck

Quite frankly it was last minute notice for your SIL about the sledding. She had already made plans, she shouldn't need to change her plans to accommodate you. She did tell you the car was full! IF the car wasn't full, then sure - feel hurt. You don't say whether Papa could have taken him along to where they we already going. As for the Santa's breakfast - yes that was a shame for your boy that they didn't ask him. Again could you have not have taken him along yourself and joined their group so he was still with his cousins? Or do you get the impression your boy was not welcome to be with them. It doesn't seem like the cousins don't like being with him if they come to your home - and it sounds as if the cousins innocently spoke about Santa's breakfast. Don't isolate your son from the other family because of your feelings, if this really bothers you, discuss it with your SIL, maybe she does or doesn't have issues with short notice playdates, maybe she didn't realize how disappointed your son would be about not going with his cousins to see Santa. Don't let nothing turn into something. Too often adults issues impact the children. Let the kids be kids and get to the bottom of it in a constructive way, air your feelings to her and you'll feel better instead of second guessing everything. I hope it's all just a silly misunderstanding - good luck!

While I agree it doesn't feel good to be left out, you can't expect your SIL to take your son every time she goes sledding---she already had plans and you asked last min if he could come. As far as santa goes, thats another story---he has gone the last 4 years, she should have taken him or if she wasn't going to, at least tell you so you could prepare your son. Sorry this happened. Why don't you invite SIL over for coffee to talk about it--how it made you and your son feel etc. Maybe she didn't realize she was hurting you....best wishes!

molly

Ok here is my point of view
1) with the sledding, you can't expect her at last minute to include your son just because he is her nephew. It doesn't happen that way. She may have been upset with your message " to please pick up my son as he was stuck at home with Papa and bored" no offense if my SIL said that to me I would be ticked. If you had asked it may or may not have been a different outcome. Like others said you don't know the circumstances surrounding the decision.

2) the Santa thing, do you and your husband attend? Is it a whole family event or are they taking your son without the two of you? It should be your responsibility to findout the date/time of the event and make sure you attend with your son - the added bonus is his cousins are there.

I think you are hurt and she may be hurt also, you both need to communicate but at the same time you need to realize just because they are family doesn't mean that they HAVE to hangout/be included.

I have a wonderful family and amazing cousins who I am friends with but I also have friends who are more like family to me than my own. I always include my daughter's friends before family for outings - I will tell my family about them and they are invited (unless specifically stated the parents are to come with the kids/cousins) but my main goal is for my children and I to enjoy ourselves at these events. Remember you don't choose your family but you choose your friends :)

Hugs!

And, yep, you're over reacting. Hugs again. Cause I know that sucks to hear. As others have said... as kids grow older family needs changed. Just as your first priority is your own family, so too, is your SILs hers. Her family made a decision on how to spend their day(s) and they carried them out. Christmas was handled badly, but that's also a 50/50 thing if you didn't call to firm up plans ahead of time and just expected a tradition to be followed. It's the "taken for granted" thing that often happens with traditions. So you didn't call, and she didn't call, and wires got crossed and feelings got hurt.

On the upside...It sounds like you SIL learned from christmas to let you know what their plans are if they don't include you when she knows you want to be included, so you don't find out after the fact/ feel snubbed. It still hurts, but it doesn't sound malicious to me. Her family made plans, and there wasn't room for an unplanned addition.

I've been on both sides of the fence (been taken for granted, and taking others for granted)... and honestly, being the one who is taking others for granted is the easiest to fix. When we are included in others plans for their family, it's a tremendous gift. But it doesn't imply the obligation that the gifting has to continue. Meaning just because it happened once, I need to be really careful not to assume it's a given that's what the "norm" is going to be. And even if it's the norm, that normal can change. It's easy to fall into the pattern of easy give and take... but when that pattern gets disrupted... it's NO ONES fault. It's just life. And trying to juggle and balance it with kids. Which can get tricky. It's a lot harder on the other side of the fence, when I'm the one being taken for granted. When I'm the one assuming all I get is my feelings hurt until I shake myself. When it's someone else and I have to be direct about x, or y, they get their feelings hurt & also tend to get angry. When I'm just trying to make the best decisions for my family.

Like I said. Both sides suck.

EDIT after your new post: this sounds like SIL is trying to mother your son somewhat and not in a way that is helpful for him. Maybe it is indeed time to sit down with sis and mention specific examples and ask her to either include your son as her own kids or butt out and not exclude him from his best friend's party. Maybe you also need to be more in touch yourself with his friends' parents so sis cannot give wrong info since they will ask you.
OLD ANSWER: Why don't YOU plan stuff for your son? I am constantly on the phone to arrange play dates since the kids cannot drive and decide yet. You can include your nephews in the invite or just let sister know this is what you are planning and does she want to meet up? I realize you have work requirements, but I was the stay-at-home mom when lots of my kid's friend's moms worked and one cannot assume that the one who stays home becomes the entertainment director for all. It is your job. Besides, you son should not be relying on just his cousins for friendship, have him invite friends from school or club or church to do things with.

I have an only and this would hurt my feelings and I would ask her in person, away from the children, why she decided to change it.
I would ask her if there was a problem.

I suspect your son might be having problems getting along so they are leaving him out. Or maybe the kids are getting older and want to take friends. Find out if she will tell you. We are friendly with two couples who we really like, but the kids don't get along so we stopped inviting them over and on outings. It is not worth the drama. I did talk to them after each bad day and let them know. They dismissed it as "kids fight" so their kids won't stop being bratty. I now KNOW why other moms quit inviting them.

I force myself to be calm in front of my dauthter and not act victimized.
I tell her people can invite whoever they want just as we can. I don't want her feeling like she is being rejected and slighted as I know these things will happen more and more. It goes against my feelings, but I try to take the high road.

No... I'd stop talking to your brother and his wife, but still give their sons Christmas cards and Birthday cards - not gifts.

That is way beyond rude. They should have taken their nephew over their children's friends for things like this. That was completely unacceptable behavior on the SIL and Brother's part!!

I'd be extremely angry, frustrated and over it too - if this happened to my child!!

family is family. of course you can include friends but never exclude your family. kids need to be shown that family should always be there for each other, sticking together. i feel like they also should have been courteous, since it was kind of a routine, about the breakfast with santa. i would have felt hurt as well. maybe you should have a talk with your SIL.

my MIL is my FIL 2nd wife. they have a son a year younger than mine and i think there are times that she feel left out when i do things with my son. i try to include her but most times she declines. i dont prefer to really hang out with her too much because i feel like she isnt fair with the boys. she sometimes talks in a tone that i dont even take with me son. i am actively trying to better our relationship, because we are family. the boys are great together, its just that i dont think my son likes being around my MIL due to the simple fact that she acts like a bully sometimes. cant blame him. you should def have a talk with your MIL. might be an easy fix.

While I'll agree at this age the boys may want to just start hanging with their friends instead of just family. I also believe it is not fair to exclude that child from activities he has always been included in before. Perhaps her car was full for sledding. Who knows maybe her boys had a sleepover with the other boys the night before. However I think in the very least she could have called you prior to the santa breakfast and told you she would not be taking your son this year for whatever reason. She should have given you ample notice so that you could have made arrangements to take your son. It sounds as if she has an issue with you and the one paying the price is your son. If it were me I would calmly address it with her and ask if there is a reason why she is now excluding your son. Does he get along well with her children? Could there be a personality conflict among the children? I would let her know how hurt your son was over missing the breakfast and ask why she didn't let you know ahead of time. Try your best to iron it out as family is family. God Luck and God Bless.

I would be so hurt for my son, also. It sucks that it went down like that. There is probably another issue that you may not be aware of. It could be between the kids-something may have happened while SIL kids were staying with you.
You'll never really know why unless you ask her what the true reason was that your boy wasnt included in the santa breakfast. Try not to go on the offensive but explain to her that your son was sad and wanted to know why he didn't get to go this year-you didn't know what to say to him.