Venting and Advise Needed

For me, the greatest atrocity is involving the children. Parents should be a unit and a work together in the eyes of a child. I think it may be time to go back to the counselor or you need to find a way to express how strongly you feel, but one thing at a time. From what I can see, you need a resolution to 3 key issues: 1) not bad-mouthing mom to the kids, 2) getting help with household tasks, and 3) finances. Like other moms, I think #3 can easily be solved by creating joint and seperate accounts. I think #2 needs some discussion and perhaps an official division of labor chart (you cook MWF and weekends/he does dishes; he cooks T&TR/you do dishes; family cleaning time every saturday from 10-12,....whatever works but devise it together). As for the #1 problem, tell him how it hurts you to have you daughters fight his battles. Good luck,
C.

This relationship is horribly dysfunctional. I am aghast. I don't think that anything that I could say in an online post could come across well enough. Your husband is controlling you and manipulating your young daughters into that controlling relationship. Get a separate bank account, and consider if this is the life you really want to be living. Best of luck.

I'll play devil's advocate here... what does he do all day? Seriously. I would take a long look at his disabilng condition and consider whether or not he should return to some kind of employment. For many men it is emasculating to be out-of-work, but that doesn't give him an excuse to abdicate responsibility and respect.

IF you think that there is a salvageable relationship here, then re-engage a therapist. If not, then separate and see if it helps your children (and you) regain balance by being apart from him.

Good luck.

It seems to me that you need to remove yourself and your daughters from a very unhealthy and unhappy situation. Your husband has no interest in helping himself to get better, since he won't take his medications. And he appears to have no interest in being a participating partner, since you are working full time and doing all of the housework and taking care of your children. If you leave you will be able to show your girls a different healthy way of life that doesn't involve a controlling individual.

I will say in advance that this all may be the wrong thing to do. Still, it's what I would do.

I would open up my own bank account in my own name and have my paycheck deposited in that account. I would then let him know that any and all financial decisions will be made together and that what is left after the bills will be split equally with half going into his account and half staying in mine. What is done after that will be a joint decision and I will either throw my money in on it if I agree or I won't.

I would let him know that I am only making dinner two nights a week at most. Then that's what I would do. If he doesn't cook I would make sure I fed myself and my kids. If he wanted to eat he would have to figure it out on his own. I would even go as far as to take me and my girls out to dinner and leave him there to fend for himself.

I would wash my and my kids clothes, enough linen to bathe with and sleep on for me and my girls, I would even make my half of the bed. I wouldn't clean another damn thing I didn't have to. I would wash the dishes I ate on. I would sweep the floors in the rooms I lived in. I would only go on the errands I wanted to and then I would go with my girls....alone. Seriously, I would go on a strike unlike anything the world has ever seen.

If he doesn't want to get help you can't make him, but you can make sure that you don't have to be a victim of his mess. You can still take care or your responsibilities, you and your girls and NOT enable his behavior. He will change when he has to if he's going to change at all, but he doesn't have to if you are willing to pick up all the slack.

Again, probably wrong, but definitely what I would do, and I would get control of the money FIRST.

That is really sad....in my opinion who ever makes the money, controls the money..and he is absolutely WRONG in involving the kids in aspects that they have not control or should worry about like MONEY. not even divorced parents should advise kids that dad is behind on child support if he is or that mom doesn't get enough child support...MONEY IS NO CONCERN FOR KIDS.

if your child got THAT upset about you spending money i'd question what he is doing with the kids and telling them when you're not there. that is NOT healthy for them. is he abusing them in any way even mentally?? i'd say so if that was her response to something like that.

my husband and i are in the same roles, i make the money, he stays home. HOWEVER, we had a heart to heart discussion about his expectations to me, and mine to him, and under NO circumstance to i HAVE to come home and cook and clean, etc. i do give the or help them take baths and get them ready for bed because they are all girls. and if there is an expense i don't agree with or something i'm doing with my money whether it's 5.00 or my entire check by golly I'M DOING IT if he don't like it he can make his own to cry about....i know you said yours has money, so let him control his own you control yours.

You sound like an amazing woman. You are doing all of this work and keeping it all together.

I do suggest you begin putting a percentage of your income in a separate account.
I also suggest you begin looking over the bills to make sure it is all being paid and see what type of spending your husband is doing.. People that make accusations tend to have the problems they complain about.

Also you need to have a conversation with your husband about adult conversations vs, conversations he has with the girls. In our home we were pretty honest about our income and our budgets with our daughter, but we never criticize the other persons spending with our daughter. It is just not appropriate and it seems to be upsetting them very much.

Also you are going to have to bite the bullet and remind him about the agreement made in counseling about "he is home and the house should be cleaned by him and dinner should be made by him at least 2 nights a week, and that errands ect should be done while the girls are at school."

He needs to quit acting like the King of Siam and become part of the family. He is not setting a good example for his daughters, instead he is showing them that one person is allowed to taker advantage of another person.

Sarahmurane, you deserve to be respected by your husband. You deserve to have time to come home and relax. You deserve to have your daughters remain children for as long as possible and feel like home is a sanctuary, not that it is a place to feel stressed and worried. Decide how you are going to handle this. Counseling, ultimatum, helping husband come up with a solution? He is taking advantage of you and this is not how a loving spouse behaves.

I will be sending you good thoughts.

Wow not much of a partnership. In my opinion, you make the money so you should not be letting him set the rules. Since you work outside the home, his job is now the "home"..to me, that means cooking, cleaning, childcare, errands, etc. Sounds like you would function just fine without him since you already work outside the home and do all the work at home. I'm just left wondering what exactly do you need him for?

I do also strongly agree that it is inapropriate for him to talk to the children about your adult issues. I suspect its his way of further controlling you by getting them on his side.

Tell him you are gonna "waste" more money on a maid if he doesnt start doing his job at home! And yes, I think you should have two separate accounts... one for him and his disabilty check and one for you.....
If you think your future with him is volatile, it's best not to have joint accounts.

Yuk!! I just have a couple of things to add that could be helpful. One, is that we teach people how to treat us. and Two, learn to set some limits and boundaries and stick with it. If he agreed to make dinner 2 times during the week, pin him down on the days he is agreeing to do so. If he doesn't follow through, take the kids out to dinner on those days. Get him to commit to the chores he is responsible for and don't do them if he doesn't. If he says he will do the laundry and the laundry is not done, then it looks like you might have to buy the kids some underwear and socks, etc. The more you continue to do around the house, the more he will do nothing. You have to be prepared to let him see what his depression is doing to him, his house and his family and if you are picking up his slack... he won't see it, and you will grow to be more angry and resentful. It sounds like he needs his own therapy to help him through this time... And what he is saying to the kids is completely inappropriate!! I would suggest that he join a men's group or talk to someone on his own to help him go through whatever it is that is going on with him. In the meantime, tell your kids that you are sorry that they have to hear things they can't control and help them to learn how to cope with the stress that your husband is putting on your kids (until he maybe learns how to stop doing this to them)! Good luck... but please, do not let him to continue to control you. He needs to learn how to have some control of himself

is counseling helping? If not, you may want to consider finding another counselor. Did it cost him to go out of town? I think the finances should be a shared responsibility. However, in my house, my husband doesn't even want to know anything about our budget so I am like your husband with letting me know if you are spending more than a certain amount. But it sounds like you are involved in the budget. If not, maybe get a little more involved or you both should work out a set amount that you agree you can spend each month on whatever you want. Same for him. It's concerning that he has used your daughters as tools to discourage you from spending money. If they are terrified for you to buy anything and are responding like they are, you may want to question how far his anger goes. And you are absolutely right to want him to cook and clean if you are working 40 hr weeks and he's home all day! If the roles were reversed he would expect the same from you. My husband tried that caveman mentality with me once and he didn't have any clean clothes for a week and I made meals for the kids and myself only. He hasn't done it again! Lol! We both work FT so we both have responsibilities! He gets home later than me and works wkends so he has less chores but, none the less, he has them and we are equals! It sounds like your husband is taking advantage of you and needs a little reality check. Before you fly the coop, if you really love him and want to be with him, you should try every avenue to fix your problems. Of course, if he is abusive or might get to that point, I'm all for getting the hell out of there with your kids before it gets to that point. Just like you said, as a parent we are to protect our kids and make them feel secure. He's obviously not doing that and he's putting fear into them and using them to hurt you. I hope it all works out for you! Good luck!

Will you please talk to someone at a women's shelter and come up with an escape plan? This relationship is dysfunctional on SO many levels.
I'm really not comfortable with the level of fear he's instilled into your daughters. A melt down over 'Daddy will be mad!'???
So Daddy gets mad - so what? What does Daddy do when he gets mad?
If he's unstable or likely to get violent - there's no question he needs to leave and you need a court order to keep him away from you and the kids.
A Daddy that makes them this afraid is not a healthy thing for them to be living with. They'd be better off without him, and so would you.

Your not his wife, you are his Sugar Mama/Slave....I'm guessing your husband is from another culture?

If he doesn't want a wife and equal partner I say take your chicks and fly to a NEW coop. See how good he is at controlling himself!

I don't think children need to know every detail about the household finances, but I DO think its OK to let them know we have a budget and can't always get everything we want/see.

Blessings.....

WOW! Sounds controlling. You are the bread winner not him and that probably irks him. He needs to get a job or at least clean the house. I also understand the depression part. First of all, I'm bipolar and without a job I'd be a mess. Second, my husband lost his job 3 months ago and has been trying really hard but it's depressing. He's always 2nd place for the jobs. He does take his medicine for depression but it's still a strain. However, I get home and he is playing on the computer when our house is trashed. Granted most of it are toys from my son but still. I feel very put out. My situation isn't as stressful as yours. Try couples councelling and find out the true problem because I don't think it's the money. Personnally I think it's his pride that is hurting and this is his outlet. It's wrong to bring in the kids to this.

I would give him that one last chance, but put it in a well worded letter. It's the kind of talk that could turn ugly all too quickly and end up a pointless fight. If it's in written words, in your handwriting, he can see the emotion behind your words in your writing, and he can see your perspective without having to hear you say it. When we talk, frequently men only hear key words, but when we write, they have time to think about their response. Ask him for his response in writing, and then sit down and talk. Once it's in writing, things get easier to discuss. You could even take the letters to therapy and definitely discuss the children knowing finances with the therapist. Your husband needs to understand that he's only teaching them that finances are stressful and that anger is an appropriate response to what he considers inappropriate / unacceptable behavior. Believe me, that kind of mentality totally screwed me up financially when I grew up. My husband and I fought like cats and dogs about every dime until I finally just handed him the finances. Now I get an allowance, and he's not allowed to ask how I spend what's left after weekly expenses (gas, sodas, cigarettes, etc). We had to do the letters to each other to come up with it though, because it was such an emotional topic.

Your life sounds similar to mine as far as keeping house and taking care of kids while working full-time. My husband works full-time and a part time job. But if he was home and I still had to do all these things I would be angry too.

My husband and I have an unusual financial arragement compared to most marriges. We do not consult with each other on money and we don't pool our finances. We both work hard and we both spend our money as we want. We come together when it's time to pay bills. I have my assigned bills and he has his. I don't care what he does with his money and the same works on his end as long as we take care of our responsiblities. Our married friends think this is strange and I believe some would say we don't have a real marriage. But it works for us and in 11 years have we ever had a disagreement about money.
It sounds like your husband could be a little depressed because he is not working? Maybe he does not realize how important the household stuff is and that his contribution at home is what makes the family work.

Wow!! I'm a stay at home mom and my hubby is our only form of income. My hubby doesn't even control the way I spend money and I thought my hubby was "controlling." He is trying to control you and your children, which isn't good for all of you. On the one side, you need to talk to him about how he makes you and your children feel, even if you've talked to him about it already. Go to a counselor again, with or without him. At the same time, love him like he's never been loved before. He might be feeling inadequate as a father and husband because of his disability. That's no excuse for his behavior but if you have that in the back of your mind and go above and beyond to make him feel respected and loved, maybe with the counseling and communication, he'll settle down a bit. Good luck!!

It sounds like he's depressed and needing to be coddled because of it. It sounds like he's not feeling like a "man" which is wierd to me, but they are a different beast in that way and these things affect them.

Is there some way he can work from home? Surely he can do something that is more valuable to him than the disability income. I mean, if he can drive to do errands, than maybe he can start a business running errands for other busy people. Maybe he can get into medical billing and work from home. If he is handy, maybe he can do some sort of carpentry or sculpture work and sell his wares. He's clearly not feeling good about his situation. It needs to change. MEdication isn't the answer for this kind of depression, finding some sort of productive work is the answer. I don't blame him for resisting meds, because I bet he knows what his issue is, even if he doesn't verbalize it.

About talking to your daughters about your spending: That is absolutely, completely 100 percent WRONG. He is hurting them and you need to come to an agreement about what is/ is not appropriate to discuss with children. This is SO WRONG.

In my family, however, neither one of us would spend $200 or make a furniture purchase without discussing it together first. I would be hurt if he did that without consulting me. It isn't about permission, it's about sharing.

Don't fly the coup. Get together and brainstorm about restoring his sense of manhood. Make a new committment to seeing those plans through. He'll appreciate you so much for it, and you'll get a husband back out of it.

GET YOUR OWN BANK ACCOUNT!!! keep the joint one but always have your money! me personally, i wouldn't even bother telling,asking or informing about anything over 20.00! my kids do those kind of things. it's not just his money and you are correct your daughters business knowing the information that he has been telling them. and he is wrong for using them as his pawns. whatever jealousy issues he has you need to help him get over them. you are his wife, his equal, not his child and all that asking for things and needing approval about money is nonsense. but to be completely honest if this has been going on for sometime now you have allowed it to go on so you must also change how this will stop. a person will only do to you what you allow them to do. he also sounds like a control freak. so help him get into some counseling for himself and as a couple and take control over your life and if he is depressed he needs to be on his meds. i wish you the best of luck.

I know the feeling of doing EVERYTHING yourself, with little to no help from the husband. It's never fair.

I agree your daughters should NOT have any idea what goes on with the money. Your husband should never say those things to them. As parents you need to be a team. This means your children need to see you as a team as well. The fact that he is putting them against you is SOOOO NOT OK.
I'm sorry I don't really have any advice, except to say communication is key?

I do also know that with some people, no matter how much you talk to them, they still don't "Care"

Good luck hun, and just know that you are NOT the one in the wrong here.

1.) Start putting money away without his knowledge.

2.) Get a good therapist, great if he'll go with you (guessing that's a no go), better still to go alone.

Your guy's got BIG problems, your kids are ALREADY effected by it.

I'm not sure being 'ready to fly the coop' is a BAD thing.

I'm sorry to sound so harsh, but you are gonna need some help. You don't seem to realize how seriously dysfunctional your household has become. Take the reigns, good luck!!!

You may want to talk to him about taking Schizandra... it does wonders for me. I also do not spend $200 without talking to my dh. That in our household is a lot of money.

Now that said... I also get ticked about things are in our house... money is an issue. But he shouldn't be telling them about the money issue. Just tell the kids it is ok. But we do that too. LOL... my son is autistic and he doesn't miss a thing. But I do apologize to him when I ever say anything like that.

I'm don't think I am helping out much here. But I do think you should have a seperate savings. give him a certain amount and then keep out what you need. The shelves were a good idea... if he doesn't think so then I would tell him it is time to clean the house. Toss what you don't love.

Flylady on Facebook is awesome for that. They are really nice and helpful.

Sounds like he wants to control you, the home, and everything around him since he is no longer out in the world working and bringing home a paycheck. I am a firm believer that when one spouse works outside the home and the other does not but takes care things at home the paycheck that is earned is still THEIR money. Your husband and you have a serious issue to work out and should do it ASAP...see if your counselor can help with this.

He is not being a team player. He really sounds like he is only thinking of himself.
I don't have any solutions for you. I wil keep you in my prayers.

Hi. My husband is disabled and in a wheelchair due to Muscular Dystrophy.
I can relate to your entire post. The physical things he can not do are not nearly as hard to deal with as his being home all day and frankly with his adjustment. He too is a tightwad about money.

I resented being supervised about money over every decision.
I finally started getting some cash every month that is my money, no questions asked. This eliminated our arguements over money and I don't feel like a naughty child. Plus, our budget is intact.

I think your bookcases were justifiable as they keep your house in order and save many hours in the future. Regardless of depression, he needs to apologize and tell your girls he was upset, overreacted, and was wrong. Plus, he is out of line for reacting like this over $200. He needs to stop it.

He should NOT be burdening children with ANY adult problems. He needs to vent to an adult(not inlaws), preferably a professional. I am sure he is depressed and I have suffered from severe depression so I know how hopeless it feels. He needs to deal with it before he loses you and is alone, only to have weekend visitations. I don't have stats, but many disabled people end up alone after their attitude, behaviors, and actions push their loved ones away. Divorce is hard on everyone and the expenses double.

My husband is not physically able to do many things. He can't breathe if he bends forward, he can barely stand, and he falls over if he bends while standing and can not get up without a lift. He got a second degree, began his masters, and then found out he was having memory loss. He was going to be a CPA, but he is so forgettful and slow no one would hire him and keep him on. Plus, sometimes he spends hours on the toilet because his muscles don't work. He gets exhausted and out of breathe then has to rest after transferring from bed to the wheelchair. He gets in the hospital if he catches the flu or pnemonia. He went to interviews and even offered to work for free if only people would give him a chance at a job, any job.

We could afford him to stay at home, but he wanted a job for his self respect. His body and mind are not up to it. There is a way to work and keep his disability checks coming. You can look online for info.

My husband is able to clean counters, write the checks(takes 4 times longer than it used to), assemble some things, half make the bed(very frustrating for him), get the van serviced, and run some errands(pill up medicines, deposit checks, transport kids). He has tried to do more, but he wears himself out and I have to redo it anyway. I want him to have some energy to play with our child.

There is good advice on here in case your husband is not thinking clearly, especially about making sure the bills are paid. Also, depositing your check into an account then transferring money for household bills sounds smart, but I think my husband would flip out and assume I was divorcing him. If your husband is not paying the bills, I would get a checking account and pay the bills myself. He won't like it, but you must protect yourself.

If you do seperate or divorce, you MUST hire your own lawyer to look out for your interests. Yes, they charge, but they will save you much money and heartache in the future. I hope you find support in real life. I know it is hard.

"Whoever makes the money controls the money" is ok with several ladies on here. It might be ok if I am making more money;-) , but I prefer "What is yours is ours; What is mine is mine." LOL

Just from reading your words, and not knowing all the details, I have a question for you----Do you still love him?

If the answer is yes, then just maybe he needs some personal help to feel "manly" again, rather than just one with a disability who is trying to gain some sort of control, while inside he may feel sort-of out of control as a result of his disability.

There are associations for people, including men with disabilities whereby they play sports, poker, cards and just talk openly with each other about their disability. It is possible that your husband feels alone, and stuck in his disability, hence using anger as his only release--- for he may not know how to explain/express his real feelings. Yet getting together with others with disabilities may just provide the freedom he needs, to express, to be excepted and to feel whole again.