Very Competitive Son How Can I Lessen the Urge to Make Everything a Competition?

Some kids are just born that way. But at home, where he's loved and accepted unconditionally is the place to learn how to lose. You should probably have some family game nights and allow everyone to win or lose based on how the game goes. If he gets too crazy about being a sore winner or sore loser just quietly and simply bring him to his room and end his participation in game night. No strong words, no teasing, no recriminations. Just say, OK - it's time to spend some time away from the game until you can calm yourself. Calmly remove him from the room and bring him to his bedroom. There must be no teasing or discussing whether or not he can continue to play. It's just about learning how to handle win and losses gracefully. It takes time and it's never perfect. Let's face it, when *we* lose we want to find a way to blame it on someone or something else. Why wouldn't a 7 yr old? At almost 13 my son is finally learning to lose or win in a better way. It used to be that every little league game was, to him, a measure of his worth. If he struck out he'd cry on the way home. If there was a bad call he was just sour all day. If they won he was on the border of being obnoxious. I'm not saying that he's got it nailed now becuase losses are still tough and wins are still opportunity to brag a little. But he's so much better than he used to be. Family game nights finally end peacefully no matter who wins. ;o) It takes time and the right responses to learn. He'll get there mom.

S., does he know how to swim? I would recommend swim lessons and swim team. He is competing against HIMSELF in every event. Yes, he is competing along side others, but lowering his times as he progresses in swimming is a different kind of competition.

If he doesn't win, then he only has himself to blame. That produces a little humility.

I like MY Metro's family game night recommendation.

Dawn

some of the best competitors are ones that help others rise to their passion for the game.

Some things that you could try is to have him be the referee or have the kids take turns being the referee. All kids like a chance to shine.

Simple example:
Class of 3rd graders. There is a girl in the class - Miss A - that is at the top of the class. Very popular. Very competitve. Very quick thinking. I was visiting the class one day. The teacher wanted them to work on their multiplication. I suggested playing 'around the world' instead of using the worksheets.

To play: you hold up flash cards. two kids go against each other. whomever gets it right first moves on to the next opponent. whomever gets through the most correctly is the winner. At stake were 4 Oreo cookies!

So Miss A is first and she's on a roll. She's beaten 5 opponents. Up next is the smallest girl in the class. She is smart. Knows her multiplication, but her response time isn't as fast as Miss A. Miss S sighs. Her friends sigh. She knows, they know she's going to lose before I even show the cards.

I flip the card. 9x9. Miss A starts to answers first. Miss S slumps. '18'. Immediately Miss A knows its wrong. Uph. I hold up my hand. She can't change her answer. 'Nope I say'. Everyone is shocked, including the teacher. They can't believe she missed it.

I look at Miss S. 'What's the answer?' With a big smile on her face - 81 :) Everyone cheered. She won! She can't believe it! Miss S then beat 3 other opponents. When it was Miss A's turn again she went back to being in the lead and did end up winning, but for a moment, Miss S, the one that thought she couldn't be on top was, and THAT was a magical moment.

I would just start having conversations about this behavior.

There are times that this is going to be great.. But if he is always like this, he really is going to be shunned.

There times, kids, just want to play.. Not everything has to be a goal of who is the winner. Instead it can just be.. lets just have some fun.

Also have you all shown him how to be a gracious loser?

When you all are not perfect, you admit you tried your best, but someone else was just better and that is good for them?

It is good to be part of the team and let others have a chance. It is good to help others have a chance. It is good sometimes, to not win so someone who never wins gets a chance?

It is called empathy. I read a quote that Maturity is not an age, it is when one learns empathy.

Life is an adventure. Not a Contest.

Hi S.-
My son, now 13, is also extremely competitive about everything!! It works well for him in school because he wants to be better then everyone. That said, We started early having lots of conversations about his competitive nature and how other's are still great people, but don't have that same drive. He seems to understand, for the most part, and we keep reminding him of it. We try to instill humility and understanding in it because he has had a hard time wondering why other people aren't as competitive as he is. This year he has gotten into wrestling which has been wonderful for him because he is out there using his strength and smarts to try to compete with his opponents. It's highly competitive and it appears to speak to his competitive nature.
Good luck!

This is one that you might just need to properly channel - like academic contests (spelling b, grades, etc) and on individual and sports team(tennis, swimming, etc) Also I would ingnore that behavior and reward like crazy, cooperation, team work, helping others)