Very Shy Two Years Old

Just keep taking her places and exposing her to things. Nothing wrong with being shy; I'll take a shy kid over that obnoxious bratty kid who's mom always seems to be talking on her cell phone not paying attention in the corner while her little darling pushes and shoves everyone else while screaming at the top of his lungs.

If you take her to the same places a few times (like maybe the children's room at the library a couple times a week) she might feel more comfortable because it's a familiar place and be a little more outgoing.

You are NOT alone!!! My daughter was extremely shy....even would scream if someone looked at her. Playdates and activities were always so hard 'cause people would try to "help" by talking to my daughter to get her involved and that would only makes things worse!! So, I got in the habit of just letting her be herself and when we went to a playdate or a play class, I would not let anyone fuss over her shyness and would let people know that if they approach her it would only make it harder for her. This did work and slowly she started to feel comfortable. I finally accepted her shyness and looked at the positive....because she never left my side I didn't have to worry about her wandering into traffic or being abducted!! And, shopping was awesome 'cause she stayed right with me while I watched others kids all over the store!!

R.,

I have two children and at 2 neither child wanted to go and play with the other kids. If they came to our house it often was different. I was in MOPS (Mothers of preschoolers), sunday school, visiting cousins at grandma's.......It was often a long few years as people had so many oppinions that I should force her. I was uncomfortable with that, and my husband was supportive. I tried it weekly at church but I found not worth it, so volunteered weekly for nursyer/children's church. Then suddenly at 5 years old my daughter turned to me and said "Mommy you can leave now ." My son turned at did the same thing at church around 3, but ONLY there. Every where else, he was still at my side.. he was slowly becoming more social, but only when he knows I'm near by. My husband and I saw this as security. If they are five and glued all of the time, there is a problem. But if I am the security blanket, that's ok.

They are now 6 and 8. My daughter who has become very independent is now asking that I join her activities. My son still wants me near by, but not so close.. in the building is now acceptable. It felt like forever back when they were toddlers, but it was worth it.

her personality is shy, human being all have different personalities. its nothing you are doing, its just who she is. she may always be like this or she may evolve into something else. just keep doing what you are doing with the playdates and all. these situations are great for any child, shy or not. however, if you are getting impatient with her because of them, take a break then try again. its unfair to you and her to be looked at negatively by other moms.

one thing you need to do though is not look at is as a negative and dont let anyone else either. at 2 years old, she hides to exhibit her personality. but as she gets older, instead of shy, she is reserved and cautious. correct people if they say anything. and remember, the parents lookingat you like a freak, are probaly the ones whose kids are running around uncontrollable- they type of child everyone watches saying that "thank goodness its not my kid". dont ever let anyone say anything negative. if someone chooses to use the word shy in a negative way, correct them and turn it into a positive. children hear everything, and you dont want her to think there is anything wrong with herself.

honestly, being 2 is so young. my daughter was extremely shy until about 2. she wouldnt talk or play with others. now she is little miss social butterfly and will walk up to anyone and start talking. although there is nothing wrong with being shy, this might disappear in the future so dont go crazy. good luck

Well, I used to be pretty shy as a child and I managed to get past it by the time was older. My mom said I sat in the corner for the first few weeks in kindergarden (I was never in preschool) but I always had at least a few friends. Some people just need extra time to get used to new things (this is me in some situations) and others have a low tolerance for noise and activity (this is my best friend). I would suggest continuing with some of the activities and playdates but see if you can figure out what she likes better and which are harder to her. Can you set things up so there are some familiar elements--for example having playdates with one child at a time, having them at your house, finding playmates with quieter personalities, doing familiar activities until she gets comfortable with a new place or people, etc. Also, explaining where you are going and who you will see in advance may help. When she is ready you can work on small steps like holding you hand instead of being held and her giving you a signal if a situation is too much for her.

The Difficult Child and the other book suggested in another post are both are very good. It helps to identify a child's "difficult" traits. I was/am definitely in the slow to adjust catagory. My son is of course totally opposite my personality and his most difficult trait is being very high energy. Just this week I have chased him through the grocery store and the airport (where I had to practically tackle him and put him in time out). I wouldn't sweat other people giving you dirty looks--you can always just say she needs extra time to adjust to new situations. I think all parents get them sometimes. I get them when my 2 1/2 year old is running around or climbing on furniture, or in a child leash (so far those are the main options with him, though it is getting better).

My heart goes out to you, as this is my life too. When my daughter was 2, I also asked if this was my fault, what was I doing wrong, what was wrong with HER? I won't say "I know just what you're going through", because I don't. Each child is so unique, and there are no "one-size-fits-all" solutions. I will also say that the people who brush your problem off with a "she'll grow out of it" are exactly the people you should ignore. Your daughter needs to learn coping skills, and she needs your help. She also needs your endless patience, and that is going to be so hard for you. As she gets older, that clinginess is going to be more embarrassing. So, start working now! Here's what I did, am doing, and will continue to do:

First, I raided the library. I found a few books to be VERY helpful: The Difficult Child by Stanley Turecki and The Out of Sync Child by Carol Kranowitz. (The Difficult Child is a horrible name for such an excellent book - don't be put off by the published date.) There are others, many many others, and you can look for yourself to see if the authors have written a book for YOUR child. You can peek at some of the child anxiety books too, but they are mostly geared to school-age kids, and not as practical for preschoolers.

Next, DO THE EXCERSIZES in the books you do choose. Reading is nice, but writing things down, talking with your husband, making charts, schedules, it all makes a difference. Personally, after I wrote down all my daughter's frustrating behaviors, I realized only TWO of them were things I could help her change. The rest of her behaviors were part of her personality, and I wouldn't change that for ANYTHING. A clingy child is a challenge, but all the hugs and kisses that go with it are a blessing.

Give your daughter words. You will probably find that some of the shyness wears off over the next year, as she is able to identify her emotions correctly. Make sure you use the right word for each situation: angry, sad, frustrated, scared, confused, etc. Words have power and power inspires confidence.

Keep doing the activities. Constant exposure to the bright and messy world of childhood will held desensitize her to it, and hopefully someday she'll be ready to participate. In the meantime, YOU participate. You can't force her to have fun, but you can show her that you are having fun. However, you may want to limit yourself to small intimate classes, and focus on just 1 or 2 close friends for playdates. Listen to her preferences too. Knowing she has a say may (*may*) make her more vested in getting involved. Or maybe not.

Stop worrying about what the other parents think. THEY HAVE NO IDEA HOW HARD YOU ARE WORKING. Your focus is your child. Do what your child needs, when she needs it. Her sense of self-worth will grow, and she WILL someday let go of your hand at the playground.

And TAKE A BREAK. It's exhausting. Get out of the house by yourself every week (even if it's just an hour). It's good for your daughter to spend one-on-one time with her Dad or grandparents. And it's vital that you get some private time.

My daughter will be 4 soon. She's in preschool now, and she can sit by herself for library storytime (but I still have to stay in the room). At the playground, I'm the mom climbing through the tunnels and squeezing myself down the slide with a "big kid" on my lap. After about 1 1/2 hours of that, my daughter will go down the slide by herself. I see that as a HUGE accomplishment, and I am getting very good at ignoring any stares from other parents. I lavish praise on her for the SMALLEST accomplishment (good job saying "hello"!) and she gets treats and presents for bigger stuff (you COLORED at school today? here's a lollipop).

Sorry this is so long - but one more thing. I enrolled her in a co-op preschool, where the parents take turns helping out in the classroom. She started after she turned 3, and I am seeing amazing progress on the shy scale. If you can afford it, I definitely recommend it.

I hope you can find the patience to work through this challenge. It does get easier, but for some kids, it never really goes away. Good luck.
-K.

Both my girls were very shy, they would hide behind me. As they got older, my older one stayed shy, yet my younger one became a social butterfly. They are both done with college now, my older one is more reserved, my younger one still puts herself in social situations. I wouldn't worry, I was really shy when I was little, and as I grew older, I became the social butterfly, and my older sister was the shy one. Personalities differ, you can't push a child, but allow them access to different situations so they could feel more comfortable. My older one always did better with adults when she was small, yet my younger one did better with children of her own age. Be patient, your child's true personality will shine in it's own time.

I'm sorry that this has been so difficult for you. It's obvious that you love your daughter and care about helping her through this. You would never have consciously but her in this position and as you said, some babies are born with personalities that skew strongly in one direction or the next.

As far as what to do... work work work. Children learn best through observation/example. So among the things you are already doing, be sure to schedule time with you and YOUR friends for her to observe. I'm hoping you have maintained some strong friendships, if not, most definitely go there- even if you have to build new ones. Your daughter needs to see you have fun with friends, how relaxed your body language gets, that you chuckle every so often and all the dynamics that are in play when you spend time with friends/family. It sounds like You get insecure and withdraw either emotionally or actually (since you commented that other moms are "watching."). Don't worry about those other moms watching, more importantly your daughter is watching and what she needs to see is how you handle these things.

I'm not loosing sight of her young age, I know that she is not old enough to interpret the meaning of all the non-verbal cues, etc. Or rather I should say the depth of meaning. But do not underestimate that she very much is learning from your example, whether she fully understands it or not.

It is a bit like shooting in the dark to try and help you figure out what to do because I clearly don't know enough about you and your situation, but hopefully that is close enough. If not and I am totally off- you have great healthy active intimate friendships- then indeed you do have to think differently about your daughter, the basis and the focus for re-directing it. But I guess write me back if so and I'll try and help you out if you tell me a bit more. I'm a MH therapist by the way. Best wishes, N

Hi R.,
May I suggest to learn to accept your daughter the way she is now, and for every stage that she will go through. Whatever your feelings are about being "shy" translates to your daughter. So if you think being "shy" is a bad thing, she will pick that up from you, and may even feel bad about herself. If you feel that being "shy" is no big deal, then she will be able to accept that part of herself too.

I would be very careful about labeling your daughter "shy." Labels carry different feelings, no matter what they are. To put a child into any category is limiting, can have negative consequences in the long run, and may not even be true in a matter of months or years.

If asked, simply state that truth, "Sara does not want to play in the group right now, maybe later" or "Sara wants to stay with her mommy right now, maybe she will play with you later" or "Sara does not feel comfortable playing with the other kids right now"

Make sure to communicate with others in a way that does not give your daughter the impression that she is different from the group, because she's not.
You don't want your daughter to think that you are not on her side or that you think she is different.
Good Luck,
N.

R.
I would not worry abour what others think. My daughter was very shy and I took everyplace. Music, reading groups etc. She is now 5 and very outgoing.

We went through this with my now 7 y/o. I can't give you an answer, but can tell you that I regret forcing him into situations that he was not comfortable in. People will throw words at you like "spoiling" or say she is "manipulating". I disagree with that. Some people (even adults) just are not comfortable in social situations. With my son, forcing it never seemed to help but I still tried because I didn't want to spoil him. He still is uncomfortable in large groups with new people, so clearly in our situation, forcing it didn't help. It also seems like (now looking back) forcing it did more harm than good. Let her have the security of knowing you are there with her and she can count on you to support her through a scary (to her) time. I wish I had with my oldest.
Don't let the looks of others get you down. Try to remember that their kids aren't as perfect as they want to believe or pretend they are.

Don't allow anyone to call her shy . . . she'll get a complex. My daughter was the same way and she herself was insulted when people kept saying she was shy. She told me to tell everyone that she was just tired. In reality, she's probably just going through separation anxiety at 2+ years old. My daughter is still reserved and cautious, but I tell her that that's a good way to be. Your daughter will probably loosen up a bit, but it's ok if she always remaines reserved. Embrace her personality.

Hi R., You are doing the best you can by bringing her to places where there are other children. Her shyness is her personality and nothing that you are doing. She may grow out of it or not. Do you speak to her softly and say "look at how much fun the children are having"? I would get down and model how to play with the others. Hang in there, Grandma Mary

our only son is 2.5 and shy. when we are at family outings with his same-age cousins, he clings to me. at first i was embarrassed b/c i wanted him to play with them. but when he is in preschool he plays with his classmates. i have learned not to worry so much. your baby girl will be fine!

Give her time. My almost 5 year old was exactly like that at 2 and I know it's frustrating. He has gotten better but still is just a shy kid. Learn to work with what you have and accept it, just be with it with her. You are not doing anything wrong, it is not your fault, and who cares what others think anyway?

R.,
First know that you are not alone. :-)

My daughter is painfully shy. (But then again so am I) She tries to climb up me like a cat when new people are around. She is getting better if I'm around and say hello to the person and explain it's mommy's/daddy's friend she still hangs on me but will smile or wave. We've also started preparing her when we're going somewhere, sometimes 2 days in advance. We tell her the events that will be taking place and identifying someone that she can be comfortable with once we arrive. (For example a relative or friend) We act really excited and keep reminding her that it's in 2 days/1 day/after nap/etc.

Oh and I have a response when people feel the need to comment on how shy she is. I tell them that yes, my husband and I were also very shy. Also in today's society I would rather have her be shy than running up to anyone, with the way kids are taken so quickly. Almost 100% of the time the other person agrees and changes their tune quickly telling her how it's smart that she's so cautious.

Hope this helps.

~Kristal

Hi R.!

My daughter is shy also. I think, and was told, don't force her to go and play or meet new friends. I would rather have a shy child than an over friendly child and she'll come out of it on her own at her own pace. One other thing I was told is to not tell people in front of your daughter that your daughter is so shy. Use the word cautious instead. Continue going to the music classes and let her loosen up at her own pace. My daughter did except she is still a little shy and it still takes a little while to loosen up but that is ok.

S.