Violence Toward a Sibling

Try finding an activity that they have to do together!! It sounds like he is just trying to get any type of attention wether it be bad of good!! and try sitting down with the mother on top of sending home reports maybe she is overwhelmed and doesnt know what to do.

I just read some of the other responses. I also feel positive reinforcement is the best. Even if you have to catch him doing something right. Have him pass out things to the others etc.
I would be careful making a child apologize. I feel it can lead to lying just get out of a situation.
I use a discipline book called 1,2,3 magic. It helps with a no emotion- no yelling discipline plan. I find it does work ~you must be very consistent. I go back and reread parts of the book when I feel like things are getting out of control. And I usually find I am not sticking to the plan!!
~J.

Hi S.,

you stated she hasn't responded to reports being sent home, but have you tried speaking to her about it. If you haven't already you should explain your concerns to her in person just as you have written to us. She will have to say something regarding it and you may have a better understanding on where her frame of mind is and possible be able to help her understand where your coming from.

This does need to be addressed especially with other children involved as you may be held liable should he lash out at them since they are in your care and you are aware there is a behavior problem.

Hope this helps,
A. f.

I agree with one of the other ladies. You are responsible for this child and his sister while they are in your care and if something happens to his sister or one of the other children you will be held accountable. I would not bother sending any letters home anymore, I would tell this mother when she next picks up her children that if she does not help you find a way to remedy this situation then her son is not welcome in your home any longer. I know you like watching kids and probably need the money, but you need to make this mother see how important this is for everyone that you provide a safe environment for all the children. Good luck, And stand your ground with this woman for your sake and her childrens'.

Hi S.. I know where you are comming from. I watch a 1yr old and a 6 yr old and have three older children of my own. (11, 14 & 16) The mother is a friend of mine that is driving me nuts! The 6 yr old won't behave in school. the child is beyond bright and has the teacher convinced she has "short term memory problems" just because she always says "I don't know" whenever she is asked why she does the wrong thing. I know she knows exactly what she is doing...she doesn't think that following the rules in school is important. Her mother won't punish her, won't make her wear the right shoes, clothes or coats...much less take baths on a regular schedule...she doesn't want to "fight" with her. I am very strict...each and every day and for the most part she is well-behaved here. But I am also not afraid of confrontation with her either. I use a time-out chair or I put her in the corner when she mis-behaves at school or here. I put her on the bus in the morning and she gets off the bus here too. All I can tell you is to hang tough and stay consistant. Here are the rules, this is what will happen each and everytime you break the rules. You can't control what they do at home...but you can control what they do with you. Your home, your rules. It does work. The 6yr old's mom even says she doesn't understand how or why the child will behave for me and not for her!! Good luck.

My advice it removal. Don’t keep a violent child, especially one that the parent(s) won’t work with you about. If he hurts another child in your care and you are aware of his behavior pattern you can be found liable. Also legally you can not deny him food (i.e. snack) your best bet in that situation is making him eat alone.
With him being the oldest you might try playing to the “grown up side” teaching him that it’s our job to take care of everything smaller than us, and hitting his sister is not doing that very well. With that though you need to be absolutely sure she didn’t provoke him.
The other side is you don’t want the sister to grow up think violence from a male is normal (this could also be happening in the home)
The innocent side of this is he might need non-punitive alone time were all the children are given “alone time” for 5 to 10 minutes where what ever they are playing with dose not need to be shared. And they can have a break from each other.

I have experience with a similar situation. My son was only 20 months when my daughter was born. He developed a very intene jealousy toward her and would lash out at her. I have found (because he still has issues with her and with my youngest son) that the only "fix" is to give positive reinforcement to the extreme. I try to find lots of ways to compliment and reward his good behavior and attitudes toward his siblings (and a lot of days he doesn't give me much to work with!!). I'm not a psychiatrist, but my feeling is that he felt displaced, I didn't do a very good job at preventing it, and he lacked the ability to verbalize his emotions. He is 12 now, and it does get better, but you really need his mom on board though, because it's really HER attention he wants. Good luck!!!

You are doing all the right things. I would make him apologize to his sister for being mean or hitting, whatever he did, before leaving time out. Explain to him that that is not proper behavior and he will be punished if he does that.
If you want the mother to do something about his behavior, you should have a serious talk with her alone. This will make her understand it is serious. Ask her what rules she has and if she gives time outs, and loss of priviledges for behavior like this.
He will be in school soon, and if he treats the other kids like this, she will have a harder time with him then. Ask her about a regular bed time and how his schedule works. Maybe the two of you could discuss some problems that you see in his routine. If she won't cooperate with you, let her know that she will need to find another sitter for him, because you can't have that going on at your house.

Hi S.,
I would reward the good behavior and see what comes of that. Try to not single him out when only he is not behaving well with his sister. Try saying that there are playing manners (I use that with my kids) and specifically state what they are adn make it for all the children so again he doesn't feel singled out. It will be tough, b/c it sounds like he won't have the consistency at home. But if you continue to randomly reward any and all kids that are following the playing manners, he may come around. And make sure that you pick a time where you catch him playing nicely or before he has the oppurtunity to hit his sister and reward him so that he too gets a chance to experience the reward. If he is the only one never getting rewarded the positive reinforcement won't have the same effect. You could make it into a game too, that may catch his interest. My daughter at 4 1/2 fights a lot with her 2 1/2 yr old brother and she snaps right out of it if I am ignoring her bad behavior and reinforcing the good. And especially if her brother is being rewarded for NOT doing something she WAS doing. For some kids punishment just does't work because they don't care! If he gets punished the same way at home, he may just be numb to it and it doesn't bother him at all! Try the positive reinforcement and you may be able to really change his behavior and then maybe his mom will finally notice! Good Luck
I worked as a behaviour specialist for special ed kids at an elementary school for years before choosing to stay at home with my own kids. Jennifer

Send home a final notice that if the behavior isn't modified that he will no longer be welcome in your home for the safety of the children. it will get the mom's attention and get her to do something about it. If not I think it would be best that she move the child to another facility. You have to think of the safety of your child first and foremost. Hope this helps.

Most professional day cares have a system in place for situations like this, and I think you should start something similar. Start by sending home a letter to Every parent with the words NEW POLICY VERY IMPORTANT PLEASE READ. Printed very big and bold on the top and make each parent sign and detach a piece of paper stating that they understand what was read. This way you will be sure that everyone has actually read what you sent. Let them know that you will send home warnings for inapropriate behavior and especially for violent or dangerous, un-safe behavior. Let them all know that saftey is your number one concern and you are starting this new policy to keep ALL the children safe. Tell them that after 3 warnings have been sent home the next "offense" will result in a two day "suspension" for their child. (If the parent has to take off work to stay home due to the child's behavior, I can gaurantee dicipline will begin) Then state if the child receives two suspensions within a 6 month period that they will no longer be welcome at your house. Make sure you tell them that this is for everyone's saftey. Tell them you enjoy watching their children, but you can not do so if saftey guidelines are not followed. Spell out what behaviors are unacceptable. Bites, kicking, spiting, pulling hair, invasion of "personal space" and / or innapropriate touch, punching, throwing toys ect. Then set guidelines on when a note will be sent home. A frequent one used is the red, yellow, green light system. The child will start out on green at the begining of the day. With each occurance the light will change to yellow and then red. When the light turns red a note is sent home. Also with each change of the light a privlage should be taken away and they should havve a time out. Explain your new policy to the children very clearly and spell out everything very clearly in your letter to the parents. You need to do this to keep all the children safe you watch. Even if the violence that this child is dispalying is ONLY directed towards his sister and no one else, eventually someone will get caught in the "crossfire." You do not want to have to explain to another parent that their child got hurt because you did not take care of a problem that has been ongoing and you have been aware of it for a long time. If it were my child staying with you, and they got hurt by this kid...... I would be very upset if I later found out that this child has been having issues and nothing was done to stop this behavior. You will probably have to let this child go eventually, but it is certainly better than getting sued or having someone get seriously hurt. Good luck. Let us know how things work out.

I agree with those below who state that he needs to feel that he is special and that he needs to protect his little sister. Spending some extra time with him may be difficult with the small ones that you watch, but give him his own special time. He probably doesn't have to nap anymore and if he knows he has earned good stickers (i like that one too), he can do something special when they all go down for the nap.

It is scary. You don't want to loose the kids. But at the same time, mom dosen't seem to care. Have you talked to the boys father? Sit down with the mother and let her know that you are not going to put up with that behavior and if it comes down to it, You might have to refuuse the care of her children. You have to think of the safty of the other two and your own.

Best of luck.

Try reading to book "1, 2, 3 Magic" I have started using the techniques with my 20 month old daughter, but it mainly for children ages 2-12. Many special education teachers use this method because it is easy to understand for adults and children. It teaches the correct way to use "time outs" to stop undesirable behaviors and great ways encourage good ones.

Hi Strephanie, you definately have serious problems with this one. You did not say if the person (Mother) is a close friend relative or someone you met who needed child care. It is only a matter of time before the child becomes comfortable enough to move on your child. I would stop the issue strenously. Certainly the Mother may have extreme circumstances that has led to her situation with her son, but she's not the one looking for advise, doesn't seem like she even cares one way or the other. I had a child once that I made stand in the corner of the room (after clearing it of anything the child could harm others or herself with, a blank wall in the corner BORING. I placed a dot just where I expected her nose to be on the wall in the corner and made that time out, gaurded the area as to keep her nose on the wall no looking around and not sitting where her legs are comfortable and relaxed and it's just boring she stood there with no visual contact, with the room or any one in it and I certainly made sure the rest of us had a joyous time and laughed a lot. And yes the room, she could not look at the pretty pictures, the birds out side the window, the other children nothing - nutrition is always a must and for snack and meals they too can be separated and the snack can be a rice patty, the lesson is not just the discipline of the standing corner, but if the child is so unsociable make him earn the priviledge of playing with the others - I picture you as a person who would rather fix the problem than turn it away and I also picture you as a person who has group projects that the children love and grow with. After time out the next step would be you can watch the others play, if that went well, then a little inter-action and then ultimately resume normal activities. The child would be taking a great deal of attention, and it's all in the care taker's opinion as to how when and where. The child does need help and maybe you're the person to help him, be careful at what price you are willing to pay. I began my corner-standing gradually 10, 15, 20 minute increments, each time the child mis-behaved I increased the time by five minutes, sometimes it was harder on me than the child. I used the old Pennsylvania Dutch tactic, problem was after the child spent the week end at home, the process started all over again. Soon she grew up and watched herself and her Mom had to deal with her issues, but for awhile I made my influence and I believe that she is a better person today for it. You my friend have a Baby. At what price are you willing to pay? Yours truly Pep

Wow, this is quite a scary situation you have here. Sibling rivalry is a deep issue. When the brother is being aggressive have you tried to talk to him? Try to say things like, "You must be very angry to throw things , hurt.... your sister. What is making you so mad?" See what he says. many parents do not respect the feelings that go along with sibling rivalry. They are afraid of words like hate and such. I do agree that if he is not being safe with the class he can not be with the class. That has worked wonders with my children at school. They can pick a toy but they must play by themselves if they have been violent.

If you have any questions or comments feel free to visit me at www.childandfamilycoaching.com

B. Davis, Child and Family Coach

I think you need to talk to the mom face to face, and tell that this kind of behaviour is unacceptable in your home. Explain your concerns of safety for her children and the other children. If it were me, I would tell her that if she doesn't do something about it, you will not be watching her children anymore.

There isn't much you can do yourself if she is not willing to. If you discipline the child any more strongly than you already do, and the parent objects to the type of discpline you use, it can cause BIG problems. Also if the child seriously hurts another, you could be blamed.

I would not want to risk my own kids being hurt or someone elses kids that I am responsible for.

Hi S.,
Have you ever considered that the older boy is acting out to GET attention? Even Negative attention. What you are doing obviously is not working. Is there a way you can single out some time just for him several times throughout your busy day? He is probably feeling left out.

With all those girls around him, he must feel overwhelmed, his sister plus three more "little ones"!
It IS up to you to deal with him on your time. His mother isnt responsible to punish him "after the fact".

Sometimes enlisting his help as a big boy works, other times it backfires. Try praising him for the positive. NOTICE his art, creativity etc. This may turn things around.
J.

It may be time to do more than send a report home with mom. This can be damaging to the other children even if he isn't hitting them. They must be seeing this in appropriate responses that he has. You may need to sit mom down and have a discussion with her. Perhaps she could turn to her pediatrician for help. You may want to consider telling her that if things don't change with him that you can no longer baby-sit. Or, at least find out what the situation is at home. Do the children have any older brothers and sisters who may be miss treating them? Does dad mistreat someone in the home--or even whether mom may be mistreating someone? It may help you to know more about the situation.

Hi S.,
I know it is difficult to deal with children some times. I have 2 children girl and boy and want to share with you my expirience.
Why you don't try to speak with the boy very relax, as friendly conversition Why does he do that to his sister - 1.Is he scared that she might damage his toys /games/;or 2.He thinks that the mather gives his sister more attencion and love. Just listen what are his feelings, ashure him that you love him and like him. 3.Later explane him that his sister is his best friend forever, and even more then friend, the conection is deeper. 4. Also she is small, yang and need protection and help. He is older, strong and clever boy, he can help and teach her many things. 5. Explain him that she needs his love and protection. Ask them to give a hug to each other some times. 6.Give him simple responsibility- to do something for his sister. Also they can play at least one game for no more then 10 minets every day together. 7. Treat him for his good behave with sweets, well done, sticker.... or both of them. 8. At the end speak with his sister as well for her feelings to his brother.
I hope my advices to help you to deel with this situation.Wish you success.
K.

Hi Stephine,
I watch children also, I used to nanny for one family, my daughter was 3months old, the boy I was watching was 1.5yrs old, well, he started going to hit my daughter when I would tell him No. Luckily, his mom did not like it either and we nipped that in the bud. For your situation however, I would try a sticker chart, I know you said he doesn't understand, but I would try anyway, except I would also do it for his sister, or any older kids you may have, they get a sticker before they leave if they have had no time outs that day, then at the end of the week, or their last day of the week, they get to pick out of the good behavior basket ( things safe for them from the dollar store, or fav. snacks to take home) after a few weeks of him not getting to pick, and his sister getting to pick, he might get it. Also, I think he likes the attention, even though he is not getting to do the craft,snack, or play, he is still getting attention from you, and from the other kids watching him be punished. I hope this helps, let us know how it goes.

Hi,
I have been a day care provider in my home for 16 yrs. I had the same situations. time out is always good, even if it doesn't really work right now. If the mom is unresponsive to your requests, it may be time to give up that child. I know that can be hard, or in this case, maybe not! LOL Or try giving him special crafts and things he can do on his own or with you. he might need a little extra attention in a house filled with "little girls". Good luck
Jenn

I am a mom, grandma, and a Pediatric Intensive Care Nurse for 21 years. I am gathering he shows no violence to the other children. That leads me to believe there are issues with his sister. Evidently he gets away with this behavior at home without consequence. I don't think he is going to behave differently at your house because there is no reinforcement at his house. This kid has issues and is going to hurt someone. I would be very wary of him. I don't know why his mother is not addressing this because it is dangerous to her daughter. If you feel comfortable having a private (no children around) chat with her maybe you could relate your discomfort with his behavior. Ask her if he is doing this at home. Someone needs to address the issue and get this family some help.
Good Luck!