My fiance' has a daughter who is 26 and getting married. 6 months ago her boyfriend asked the father for her hand. Nice gesture, but when the father told them to wait until she finished college. He was ignored and they were engaged 2 weeks later. In which she drpped out of after the engagement. When she talked to us about the engagement and the wedding plans she said " We are paying for everything ourselves". The father could not stress enough on how he would like her to not rush and finish school. She wanted to be married in less than a year He wanted to help her with something for the wedding but really does not have the money at all. She called him the other day saying how she's upset with him because he hasn't shown any interest in paying for the wedding and "that's what the bride's family is suppose to do". She expects him to pay for a $5000 hall and her mother is paying for a $500 cruise. I am appauled by the audasity of her to demand money for a wedding that her father disapproved of in the first place. What should we do?
He can only offer her what he is willing to offer her. I was engaged for 2 years while I and my parents saved up the money for my wedding.
If he is only able and/or willing to offer her $100, then that is what he should offer. A bride needs to plan the wedding on the budget available, not plan the wedding and TELL people the budget they need to meet.
M.
Nobody is forcing her to rent a $5000 hall. She should have asked up front IF he could contribute financially or in some other way (having the reception at his house, or whatever). If the answer was no, well then, she should have adjusted her plans, or delayed the wedding until a later date so she could have more time to save money for it, or whatever. Nobody owes an adult child anything. It's nice if he can afford it to contribute, but if he can't afford it, he is certainly under NO obligation to go into debt to meet her unrealistic expectations.
That being said, I would not use the "I wanted you to finish college first" line of reasoning as THE reason he is not contributing. She's an adult, allowed to make her own choices. If the daughter's fiance is unobjectionable otherwise, it would be silly to have the timing of the wedding become the sticking point here. Parents can't control their adult children, and it's silly to try to do so through financial means. If he simply doesn't have the money right now to contribute, that is reason enough all by itself.
She is 26. She doesn't need her father's approval, nor does she need his money. I'd just say," you told us you would be paying for everything yourself, so I don't have any money budgeted at this time for your wedding."
Nope, she wants to get married, she can pay for it herself.
No parent is under any obligation to ever pay for a wedding. If they want to great, if not.. then the adult bride and groom need to figure out a way to pay for it.
My husband and I married very young. We told our parents. My husbands parents said, "we do not give you permission'. We told them, "we were not asking permission, we were informing them'. They then said, "we will not help you with the wedding', we told them, 'we were not asking or expecting any money, since, if we could not afford our own wedding, we certainly, could not afford to be married or we were planning to expensive of a wedding"..
It took us a year to save the money for the Wedding, the reception and the week long cruise honeymoon. i even paid for the brides maids outfits and we paid the rentals on the Tuxedos.. Our friends were also young, so we knew they also could not afford these items..
If this grown daughter really wants to get married, she will figure out a way to finance it..
IF your husband wants to give them money, but does not have much, he should be honest. I would love to pay for your wedding, But I only have $500. to give you.. Everyone is an adult, no need to dance around the subject..
Fathers pay for the wedding when the engagement has his blessing. It didn't.
If she wants it to be paid for, she waits until she's graduated. Her dad should restate that to her over and over. He's right, she's wrong. No amount of guilt-tripping is going to change that.
The bride's family is not "supposed to" pay for the wedding. They often do, but they aren't obligated to do so.
IMO, if you can't find a way to pay for your own wedding, you aren't ready to get married.
My groom and I paid for our wedding - all three times I got married. None of the weddings were lavish affairs for 500 guests, no ice sculpture, no hundreds of live doves released at the reception, no satin dress covered in hand-sewn seed pearls with a 20-foot train woven by Mongolian spiders. Just simple ceremonies with close family and close friends and simple refreshments after.
All he can do is all he can do.
This is between him & his daughter.
Observe, but stay out of it!
This is his relationship with his daugther. It would be best for you to tread very lightly. She is 26 and an adult. Her father should treat her accordlingly. It is her life to live how ever she sees fit no matter how disappointed with her choices he may be. With that said, traditiionally the parents of the bride pay for the wedding while the groom pays for the honeymoon.
As I see it there is nothing for you to do but to sit back and be supportive of your future husband's healthy relationship with his daugther. They need to figure this out between them. So let them. It seems to me like they don't have a particularly close relationship to begin with which may mean she may need her father's love and support if this relationship with her fiance soon to be husband doesn't work out and even if it does.
I like to think of the twenty's like the terrible two's only they do have an adult type say over their lives. It does get better when they hit 30 an have a slightly better perspective on things. Hang in there for the long haul. This is just a minor bump in the road called parenting an adult.
It sounds like she didn't want to continue with school and wanted to get married instead. She's 26 years old - what has she been doing since high school that she isn't finished with college yet? She isn't a child anymore, E.. It's not really his place to disapprove of the marriage and he shouldn't have told them that they had no business marrying until she is done with school. What he SHOULD have done is tell them that he was happy for them, but he hoped that they would wait until she was done. He should have explained right there and then that they needed to understand that he didn't have the money to finance their wedding, so they would need to finance it themselves. It should have been on the table from the get-go.
You can be appalled all you want that she had the audacity to expect him to be the "dream father" that most little girls grow up thinking they will have. And YES, most parents do help finance their daughters' weddings. You have a vested interest here in him NOT helping out since he is your fiance and it's YOUR wedding that you are interested in him financing. I hope you're only venting here about it and keeping quiet to everyone else, because you sure will look like a shrew to people if you talk about how appalled you are. (They just won't tell you.)
Maybe you don't care much if your fiance keeps his daughter in his life after she gets married, but you really ought to be looking at the long-term picture of grandkids and such for him. Don't badmouth her - tell him that he needs to stop fussing about them getting married and make peace with them so that he can see his grandkids.
Dawn
Yes, this is your fiance's issue to deal with. If he doesn't give her any money, is she the type who is vindictive enough not to invite him to the wedding or not to let him walk her down the aisle? I also can't help wonder with all the rush and dropping out of college if your fiance is going to find out that there's a baby on the way. I also wonder why she's 26 years old and still in college with an expectation of keeping wedding and family on hold (unless she's going to be a doctor or lawyer). Perhaps his daughter was not as committed to obtaining a college degree as your fiance is.
If I were him, I would not give anything that he cannot afford but would give some amount if possible. While his daughter is going against everything he has asked of her, I'm sure that he still hopes that her plans work out for the best vs the worst, so I'd consider it mostly a gesture. I would NOT give into any demands of thousands of dollars or anything like that. I'd probably remind her that she'd be just as married if done by the justice of the peace for a few dollars as she will be at an exravagent affair.
Ignore her attitude. Don't respond at all. She is being unreasonable. Her father has told her his expectations and I assume also told her he cannot afford to do this. I suggest he just repeat that he cannot afford it and let the other reasons go. She knows them and he won't be able to convince her to finish school first.
Repeat, I cannot afford to do what you're asking and then change the subject.
Getting into an argument will only make everyone even more unhappy and will not solve the problem.
That was one of the biggest regrets of our lovely happy wedding day. We spent so much on it. Really it was about 12,000. for the entire day to take place. Looking back I would have had just as much fun and ALOT LESS STRESS if we would have had a simple wedding with the reception in the church hall...you know like our grandparents use to do! Whats so aweful with not making a show of the day? Anyway I know I can be a tightwad.
My parents chipped in what they could. They just gave me what they wanted and I said thankyou. If she is super stressed then there isnt much you can do about her rant and demand of money via guilt trip. If this is the norm for her behavior then again there isnt much you can do to alter her behavior. If her father does not approve of the marriage then I dont really see why he should have to pay! But I do think he should tell her I will pay X amount after you get finished with college if you want to get married after college. That is the only reason (unless there is another) that he isnt paying x amount now for the wedding. If and when she rants and complains and guilt trips let her. She still can go to college and get some money towards the wedding. I never heard of the parents paying for the honeymoon!!?? espically the honey moon of her choice??? Seems a little late and she is being bratty!
Tell her he will contribute to her wedding AFTER she gets her college degree.
She can plan a very nice wedding on a budget. They can do the wedding at a park, ceremony, reception ect all at a park pavillion and rent nice decorations to make it all look nice. She can also get really cute things at Oriental Trading.com to decorate with. The food can be catered by a grocery store deli, they will even set-up and sometimes help with serving and do clean-up.
I agree. If the daughter is making adult decisions then she needs to deal with the consequences. I paid for my own college and wedding. Discuss the matter w your fiancée and offer support and guidance. Keep out of the fight between him and his daughter. He can offer only what he can and throwing a temper tantrum is not going to help resolve anything. Some people will have to learn the hard way. Good luck.
"We" shouldn't do anything; "he" should offer whatever financial assistance he is able to. If it's not enough in her eyes, oh well. One can only do what one can do.
What type of cruise only costs $500?
Like others have said, let your husband handle it. Your job is to support whatever he decides. You can give your opinion to him but it is his decision to make as her dad. Be encouraging to him to stay calm and not get into an arguing match. State the facts and smile, even if she gets upset. Remind him that you can't have a rational conversation with someone who is irrational. So if the conversation gets irrational, he should just calmly change the subject or let her know he will talk to her again when she isn't so upset.
In order to establish a good relationship with her, you can offer to help assemble centerpieces or help decorate for the wedding, etc. if they decide to go ahead with it.
