What Are We Doing Wrong?

Get a wind up stuffed animal that plays a long song. Start using that when she wakes. I worked for my little guy that started a wake up after being an all nighter. It was a yellow rabbit. He'd always fall back asleep before the lullaby finished.

9 mos. is prime time with separation anxiety.... BUT both my kids were the same way. Actually, worse. My 18 mos. old is up at the very least 2x per night. We did find that sometimes sleeping together works, sometimes sleeping on the floor in his room works. Sorry.. I just don't think there's an answer. Good luck!

At 9 months, you could offer water. After a few nights, they stop waking. The waking is a habit, more than a need. So you offer water, she cries, you hold her, but don't offer your boob! Just keep on holding her till she calms down, and then put her to sleep the way you do at the start of the night. If you are nursing her to sleep, then you need to stop doing this. You need to stop nursing her when she is merely drowsy, and then put her down.

If you want to CIO, then don't pick her up, pat her back, tell her it's night, night time, go back to sleep, and then leave the room. She will scream, let her scream for 5 minutes, then go in again and do it, then wait 10, then on the 15, I always say," I'm not coming back in here." She will scream, maybe for an hour till she puts herself back to bed. She will scream the next night too, but by night 3, she should cry a lot less, and by night 5 she will be able to put herself back to sleep.

It's hard, truly gut retching to hear a baby scream, but sometimes it's better for the whole family if everyone gets some sleep. You sound done with your current situation, so if offering water instead of milk doesn't work, it might be time to sleep train. If you don't want to CIO, get the No Cry Sleep Solution. If you want to offer water, I'd night wean first. So nurse for 1 minutes less every other day. When you get down to 2 minutes, baby shouldn't wake. If she does, she only gets water.

They wake out of habit. It's now her habit for you to put her back to sleep, so you need to break that habit. 9 months is plenty old enough to put themselves to sleep. It takes some work on your part, but it is possible. Check out the No Cry Sleep Solution, but if you want immediate changes, you may need to CIO. I found Pantly's method to take 3 months with my daughter. It was awful. One other good book that I used with my son was the Baby Whisperer. She doesn't believe in full blown CIO, instead, you hold the baby while they scream. I have no idea what her solutions are for 9 months, as I used her method with my son at 6.

But the water might actually work for you at 9 months. So start night weaning, and then when you get down to a few minutes, if she still wakes, offer water.

Also, I think you are in a wonder period, so most 9months old wake and stay awake for periods of time at this age.

Crying it out would not hurt her. I for one am all for feeding them and then going back to bed and I often stayed up with my babies. I am not a person that needs a lot of sleep. BUT, on occasion I do need sleep and I am not going to feel guilty. I look at it like this. So long as they are fussing, you know they are strong and okay. I actually am more nervous when I can't hear a baby. I'm always checking their beds and checking again and again for choking hazards. That's my ocd nature.

You can not be any good to her in the state you are in. Let her cry it out and go to SLEEP.

You've got the idea, but I think you need to talk to her more while you pat her back and while you back out of the room. I think it's the silence that is actually waking her, she can't hear you or feel you, it scares her. Her pauses mean she's looking for you, listening for you to respond to her. Once she hears you she settles. Basically, you first want to get her to associate pats and your voice together. First wake up, pat and rub her like you always do and talk to her, when she's asleep step back until second wake up, at that step close, but don't pat, just talk until she settles again, head back out again. If there's a third wake up, stop where you are, don't move, just talk until she settles, any more wake-ups stay where you are and talk to her until you are out the door.This will teach her that she's safe and you're always close even if she can't see you. You know her, you know she's tired and you know she's not in any real danger or hurt. You need to help her understand that as well, this will give her confidence in you and in herself.

I hope this helps.

Does she self soothe in any way? My son is the only one of mine who ever sucked his thumb, but he is the best sleeper, and he only sucks his thumb when he sleeps. He also holds a little blanket or bib or something soft. (He is one week older than your daughter) Try creating a lovey for her by giving her a cloth diaper whenever you are rocking her. We draped a cloth over his shoulder instead of a bib a lot of times, and I think he got used to the feeling. He is a great sleeper, but he still struggles with the going to sleep initially part. How long would she cry if you didn't go in there to feed her at all? Try not responding immediately to the first cry and see if she will cry a little bit and then go back to sleep. Good luck! This to will pass.

My pediatrician told me when my son was 6m and again when he was 9m that he didnt need his night feedings any longer. A little after 9m I was tired of waking up in the middle of the night so I gave it a try. When he woke up, I held him, rocked him ect. He was upset at first (for about 3 days) and would try to nurse, and I felt so bad denying him, but after a few days he slept thru the nite and has since. He was an appropriate weight and age and I had the pediatrician's "ok", and like I said the first few nights sucked to hear him cry, but he was really just using me as a pacifier (which he uses as well) so for me, I felt ready to make the change.

As for her popping up everytime you lie her back down or leave, it is possible that she could be teething and using you as her soothing method. Or she could be having some separation anxiety and is a little scared when you leave. Its so hard to know exactly since you cant ask them! If its sleep you want, is getting a rocker/recliner in her room an option? After you hear the deep breathing for 20 mins or so, maybe you could attempt to lay her in the crib again? Im just giving ideas. I cant advise on the cry it out, it just never worked for me, I can only say do what you feel is best for your situation and whatever you do just stick to it and this too shall pass. :)

Good luck!

I don't think you are doing anything wrong. I applaud you for keeping up!! It's not easy!!! Being sleep deprived is not fun.

At 9.5 months, she should be sleeping through the night. I wonder if it's lack of noise. My men had music playing all the time in their rooms. It wasn't white noise, it was usually classical music and playing on a low volume in the background.

If you are nursing her, you may not be letting down as much as you think because of stress and sleep deprivation. If you can pump before you go to bed and offer her a bottle instead of the breast, you can see how much she is getting. It might not even be that she "needs" to nurse, but that she needs the comfort...does she have a blankie, stuffed animal or binkie? I personally don't like binki's but some kids need them for oral stimulation at night and it helps comfort them.

Again, I don't think you are doing anything. The first year is tough.

let her cry. it is not mean, does not cause psychological damage, does not harm them in any way. she has to learn to fall asleep on her own. I know how hard it is, I know the pain, frustration etc you feel. I have been there. but she will learn to fall back asleep on her own. I am so sorry you are going through this. when my oldest was a baby I think the first 4 or 5 months after he was born I would be lucky if I could get a totaly of 2 hours of sleep a night, usually closer to 1 hour here and there. my oldest son would not sleep in his crib, for months I slept sitting up on the couch holding him with about 10 pillows propping us all up. after awhile I just couldnt function and it was affecting my work. so I finally had to just put him to bed and let him cry. and it took a few days before he finally learned to self soothe. then when he was about 9 or 10 months old his sleep patterns changed and it started again with waking in the middle of the night just crying and crying. I would go in and pick him up and rock him, sometimes for 20 or 30 minutes before he would be asleep enough to lay him back down. after a couple of months I had to stop. it will get better, it will just suck in the meantime.

and you are not abandoning her and she isnt feeling that way either. it is true that babies have us trained. it is because when the are newborns up until around 6 or 7 monts old sometimes, they do need to eat at night and they learn right away that crying=mom or dad so of course they will get super frustrated when what they are used to isnt happening right away.

Oh honey...I feel for you...I remember those days. You might try putting her to sleep for the night and hour or so later. You also might have to consider sleep training and letting her cry some. If you know that she isn't really hungry, she probably is just getting up out of habit. She wants to cuddle with Mommy. Hugs to you....I know how hard it is to be objective to find solutions when you are constantly exhausted.

I nursed my two for over a year each and my guess is she probably doesn't need to eat for nutrition in the middle of the night...but you are the best judge of that. I coslept with my first until 2 years and she nursed at night until 16 months...I kicked my second out of our bed at 8 months(he was not a pleasant bedmate) and stopped nursing him at night cold turkey...it took about a week to adjust....and it was listening to him cry when I laid him down for bed at the beginning of the night and then listening to him cry whenever he woke up during the night...he never cried for more than 20 minutes and that was the extreme, often 5 minutes or so though that is long enough to be tortured by your infant's cries. When my oldest stopped nursing at night, I had my husband do the settling back to sleep stuff instead of me since she would expect boob if I were there. HOnestly as far as waking up and staying awake in the middle of the night, kids do that...mine are 3 and 5 and sometimes they wake up at 2 am and have a hard time going back to sleep, hell it even happens to adults. I think the bottom line is if you are tired of the current routine, then make a new one and know that she will adjust but she might not be happy about it at first Good Luck

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I never breastfed so I am not sure if she is hungry or not, and if night feeding is still neccessary. What I did when my children were that age was pat them and I didn't feed them. By nine and a half months my children had three meals a day, and had their bottle before bed so I knew they were not hungry it was just habit. If you pat her before first and are not even picking her up and your chances of getting her back to sleep are greater. After a few nights when she sees she isn't feeding she may stop waking all together. Sorry I know how you feel getting broken sleep. It will pass, I promise you, Good luck!!

I'm sure this is VERY frustrating!
Sometimes, right before a developmental milestone, sleep is very fitful and disturbed. Is she getting ready to cruise, walk, talk, etc?
As an observer, I can tell you this...she is training you to respond in the way she wants you to respond.
Send dad in with some water in a bottle, (she's likely not "needing" a feeding"--it's a habit now, a comfort thing) play some soft music (on repeat) in her room at night and use a soft night light.
This is about the same age we started the dreaded "taking the baby for a drive" phase in our house. O. of us would drive til he was asleep, come home, enter the garage, and *poof* he would be awake again.
It was at the age where our son was pulling up and standing in the crib.
We did the CIO method with cry 5 mins, soothe/pat, repeat, increase visits to 10, 15, 20 minutes.
I'm not going to lie, it was 3-4 nights of hell, but it worked overall, for the long haul! My son is an excellent sleeper and always has been since then.
My thoughts on CIO: I need my sleep to be a good mom the next day. The occasional sleepless night is O. thing, but the consistent sleep deprivation will make you batty! It's our job as parents to make sure our kids know how to sleep and put themselves back to sleep on their own.
Good luck!

I am wondering if she is teething?
Does she just need noise? For Elayne, Greg and Nicky, they all had some sort of white noise in the background. Elayne HAD to have white noise to sleep - not music but white noise like a fan or an untuned radio station. Greg and Nicky like music but don't "NEED" it.

At 9 months, a child shouldn't need to be nursed. So it could be a comfort thing. Instead of nursing, continue to pat her back - do not pick her up - when she cries for you and keep her in her crib. This will give her the indication that it is NOT time to wake up.

I am truly sorry you are going through this. Nicky's first year was hell - no kidding. He could NOT lay down for more than 30 minutes, he was up screaming...we had to put him in a car seat in his crib...how sad is that? It took us 9 months to get the doctors to think outside the box and blame acid reflux, his ears/tubes were not fully developed and had tubes put in and he was a TOTALLY different baby. I'm not saying this is what is going on with your daughter. I'm just letting you know that you are not alone. I'm am sorry.

I KNOW you can get through this. And like others have said - I don't think you are doing anything wrong.

I went through this with my first child and did the same thing you're doing minus the feeding and it was miserable. I got no sleep and every night bedtime became a long process. I would pat, sing, etc, then crawl out the door and the second I hit the door he would pop up crying again. This went on way too long and children just need to learn that you love them, you are there and will be there in the morning and then go to sleep. My pediatrician told my husband to send me around the block for a ride and to shut the door and let him cry it out. I didn't drive around but I will say in less than a week there was a different pattern and I put him down and he went to sleep. You're starting a habit and if you want to stop it now is the time. If not continue doing what you are doing or if you agree with the co sleeping then try that but I found I got much better sleep with babies in their beds and me and my husband in ours. Children are different so this is just one that is not like the other boys you have and you will need to handle it differently. Hope you get some much needed sleep very soon.

What are you doing wrong? Sounds like you have a co-sleeper and you are trying to force her to sleep in a state in which she feels abandoned and scared.

Feed from one side for 2 nursing sessions, then switch to the other side for 2 nursing sessions - makes it more likely she'll get more of the fat/nutrient dense hindmilk.

Never forget... infants are not miniature adults... they are not even able to have the basic functions of an independent child. They need their Mommy to be close to them when they are the most vulnerable.

I take a good calcium supplement, no calcium carbonate, and my children have all slept through the night since birth. I know if I miss a night, since our 5 month old will be up a ton....especially with growth spurts and the other with growing and teething. At 9 months you can give her a liquid calmag supplement at night which will help calm her nervous sytem.

We also co-sleep often. We start them put in he crib and once they wake up, I move the baby into pur bed, roll over and feed the baby and we both fall back asleep. I never lose any sleep.

Maybe she's scared? Maybe she doesn't want to be alone. Don't worry, we transitioned our kids EASILY into their own rooms around a year old. Try it and see? We had wierd "energy" in our last home. I would see dark figures, and when my kids were babies, they would look off into the ceiling and start laughing, like someone was playing with them. This house, we have nothing and everyone sleeps well.

I have also used a buckwheat pillow, since it's hard and stays put, right against the top of the baby's head, to mimic cervical pressure on the cranium when they were in utero. It also makes them feel secure, like someone is around.

Good luck!

The Sleepeasy Solution by Jennifer Waldburger. Best sleep training book I've read.
Good luck. :-)

I don't have a solution, just the thought that maybe you aren't doing anything wrong. When she was teething, my youngest was the same way. It took me forever to get her back to sleep. I finally gave up and brought her in to bed with me. It helped for her. I don't know what the solution is, but it definitely isn't blaming yourself for doing something wrong.