What Can I Do for My Friend Who's Baby Is Being Delivered Stillborn?

Treat her as you would anyone who just had a death in the family. To her and her husband, the baby was a person and they wil grieve as though the baby was born healthy and then died later. Let her talk when she wants. She will have trouble being around other women with new borns. My daught went through this will her second child. She now has had 2 more. So I have 3 grandchildren and one that almost was.

Think about what you would do if her baby died at 3 months and do that.
It's a baby, and she will grieve.
Thanks for being there for her.

I., I have 5 children, but 4 are living. My 3rd child was stillborn (died June 11, 2004 and was born June 12, 2004). We miss her so much! I think I can help answer this question.

As others have mentioned, we all handle grief differently. My husband and I are laid back type of people. We weren't angry, but very, very sad. We talked about Abigail a lot and still do. She is a part of our family. We don't mind people talking about her. We have never cried so much in our entire lives. Even though sometimes talking about her gets us teary eyed sometimes, we love talking about her. The intense pain does go away, but it will definitely take some time. Just for the future, hopefully your friend won't mind you remembering her birthday. We just took flowers to our little girls cemetery plot on Memorial Day. Our kids love to go visit.

Giving her a plant to remember her child by would be great! We cherished our mixture of greenery for a long time and took care of it. If you were/are able to get the blanket and cap that was next to the baby's skin and have it put in a shadow box...that would be awesome too. We have a picture of our daughter in our living room. The doc and nurses took tons of pictures. Hug her and cry with her. Her child is a special child that had a different mission on earth. She came, got her body, and went back Home. She didn't have to be subjected to this life, thankfully, but was given a different calling...a special calling. That in itself gave us, my husband and I, even more meaning in life to do the things that we need to be doing in order to see her again.

There isn't much a person can say that will offend me, but I had found other people that were offended by what others said in similar sad times. So I thought I would put some of those down, just so you'll know to avoid them. Not that you would say any of these, but sometimes, people just don't think or know what to say or what not to say. I would NOT say, 'You can always have another one.' or 'It was best this way.' (especially if something was wrong with the baby). 'It was meant to be.' We just don't want to hear these things at that moment. Even what I said earlier..some aren't ready to hear, but others are.

Just be there for her, let her talk it out as much as she needs to. I have friends that remember our little Abigail's bday and that is so neat! I don't expect anyone to remember her date or put flowers on her grave.

You can get together some friends to provide meals for her each night for the family for about a week. Maybe go over after the busy-ness is over and expect to be cleaning up a bit.

I had some other stuff in the back of my head, but it has left me now...I think I'm tired...got some kiddos to get to bed now. Thanks for listening to me this long.

all you can do is reassure her that GOD has his plans and though it is hard and heart breaking he would never do whats wrong for that little one... it is in his hands and the baby is with him as well... and reassure her that though she maybe mad at god he is the only one who can help heal her heart... my prayers are with you and her every night

A friend of mine just went through this a few months ago. She alreay has 4 beautiful boys so she was very happy to have them. But was devastated all the same when she found out her baby had passed. Another friend and I went to vist her with little hand held card games, magazines and crossword puzzles to play with to pass the time while she and her hubby waited to be induced. We joked and laughed about other things trying to help keep it a plesent atmospher. I wasn't able to go back the next day after the baby was born, but our friend took flowers up there to her. She did experience some major complications because of this so we all cooked a dinner and took it to her hosue to help them out the best we could. I've got 2 kids of my own and I know I couldn't imagine the pain and greif they were going though. I know she went though several stages of greif-pain, anger, sadness....

Just be her friend, be there for her no matter what and just remember, time heals all wounds.

S.

I would take her a plant or flowers and a card explaining that you don't even know how to begin to help her with such a painful experience, but you are there for her and would love to listen, talk, NOT talk about it, or just hang out anytime she needs you. When she comes home, take her a favorite dish.

Be open about not knowing how you should handle it and ask her how she wants to handle it. Grief does take several stages, and some people in this situation WANT to really acknowledge what has happened, have a funeral, make sure no one forgets the child, etc. Others want to be very quiet about it and not dwell publicly, so ask her -THAT gesture will mean the world to her.

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. I think it's best not to try to make her feel better by saying things like "it's for the best" or "god's plan". Part of the grieving process is anger, and she might very well be angry at everyone around her and God too. I think the best think you can do is just be there for her, let her talk about it if she wants, and just let her grieve. Also, I would think support groups might help because any "normal" person is not going to understand her pain. I know there are some online so she could talk to others dealing with the same thing.

My heart breaks for, I just can't imagine.

This happened to my friend. One of the things we did was to give her a necklace with the baby's birthstone and a matching bracelet for the baby to wear and be buried in. This was a suggestion given to me by another friend who lost her child- it was something she wished she had. This was very meaningful to my friend.

You are doing all you can. Just be there to support her, tell her to call you (you probably need to call her) every day. No one knows the pain that someone goes thru. My mother had a stillborn, and I don't think she ever got over it, even with the rest of us children afterwards. Get someone else that had a stillborn to talk to her, check with hospital and give them her name, in case there is someone.

Just be there for her. Listen when she wants to talk. Don't tell her that "its for the best" or any similar to that. She can't hear or understand that. Let her know that you are there for her. Pray for her. Love her. Nothing that you do from your heart is lame. Be her friend.

I don't know if this is a good or wierd idea but when I cremated my dog I looked online at urns. I saw some that were necklaces. They were little urns, the size of a normal charm noone would notices anything strange, you put a clipping of hair or ashes in and twist closed. That way you'll always be close to them. Since I've never lost anyone that closed to me I don't know if its a good idea or not, but I thought I would pass it along. You can google urn jewelry and it will bring links up. They also have keepsakes. That would be a large heart, a cross, etc that would simply sit out on a dresser like a knick knack laying around the house.
http://ashestoashes.com/human_cremation_jewelry_keepsakes...

My deepest sympathy, J.

If you can, call the L&D that she will be at and ask them if they have a contact with NILMDTS photographer! These photographers take pictures of the family AS A family so that the parents have beautiful visual memories of their short time with their child.
The full name is "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep" and is totally done for free! I wish I had them when I had my first child. Tho I have pictures that my father took and I cherish everyone of them to this day-23 years later!!!!- and they will to. There is no cost to the parents or anyone else.
If you are in Middle GA, I know of a photographer!! Contact me off mamasource at ____@____.com
The hospital is the one who contacts the photographer after talking with the family.
These pictures can be of the parents dressing, bathing, cuddling, kissing, crying, praying and sharing their child with each other. Very touching and very heartfelt photos!
God Bless your friend-my heart always breaks when someone else goes through this.
K.

Hi I......I'm so sorry to hear about your friend - this is such a devastating and life changing time for her and her family. I delivered my twins when I was 6 months pregnant. They were perfectly healthy until they were delivered too early (I had the problem). We held them until they slipped away to Heaven. I don't know her faith (if any), but I'll tell ya what.....I don't know how people handle it without God! Knowing that I WILL see my babies again and knowing that God WILL use everything for His good is what pulled me through. Prayer is the best thing you can offer.
Flowers and plants are nice gestures, but we were flooded with them. We actually had some of them for the next year and a half until I just threw them out because I couldn't look at them anymore. They were a constant reminder. It's also very thoughtful to help with meals and cleaning and just spending time with her, but pay attention to her grieving style. I shut everyone out for about 2 months. I wanted no calls or visits - I didn't want anyone near me. Besides prayer, the best gift anyone gave me was a journal. I used it like therapy! I wrote to my babies everyday until I was ok. Now I write on occasion or when I happen to be struggling with the memories. Another good gift would be a nice album. We received one and display/protect their birth and death certificates, hospital bracelets and other memorabilia that went along with the pregnancy and hospital stay.
Nothing you can do or say will take it away (obviously), but knowing that you are there for her will help her tremendously.
Take care & God bless you both!

Byt her a tree so she can plant in memory.

This happened to a very dear friend of mine last year. Don't tell her about God's plan--it's a bitter enough pill that her baby has died, but that makes it worse.

Take food when it is needed, offer to do laundry or cleaning, and you don't need to say more than, "I can't imagine how awful this is. I'm here for you." Don't avoid talking about the baby, if that's what she wants to talk about. This is her child as much as her surviving ones, and people often avoid talking about the baby because they think it is painful. Pretending it didn't happen is more painful.

Offer to contact the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep organization, which is a group of photographers who visit hospitals and take professional photos of the family, including the baby. Too often people have nothing but memories, and mothers of stillborns often cherish the few photos they have. http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/ Although it sounds a little morbid, many mothers (I know two) take great comfort in the photos.

Bring her a meal. She is going to be too depressed to cook.

Be there for her, listen, or do whatever she feels up to. Just letting her know you are there for her is really the best thing you can do. We feel so helpless in these situations! Cooking for her will be nice too, you've gotten a lot of other good advice! I will keep her in my prayers and you too for being such a great friend:)

Cards really are a great thing for this. You can write her a note in the card and in that note let her know that you are there for her if she needs anything. Does she have a husband or other children? If so bringing meals over or offering to watch the other children are also helpful. Money is appropriate as a lot of times work/income is lost due to time taken off. Avoid all of the "it's for a reason" and "God has a plan" talk because it tends to not be helpful until much later after the experience is over. Emotions will/can be raw over something like this for quite some time. I am speaking from experience as I lost my first daughter just shy of her first birthday due to a rare condition that she was born with. It is a little different because we were able to spend time with her, but a loss of an infant whether stillborn or before one year is very hard.

Wow! it's been 2 1/2 years since our baby boy joined the angels in heaven and it hurts. As a friend just give the couple lots of space and time to grieve. Then support them when they are ready. I know its been a month but I'm sure the pain is still deep. Give them time to heal.

We now have a 6 month old boy who is much loved and greatly appreciated.

Hi I.,
I think the best thing you can do is be there for her and just listen to her, please don't say I am sorry or you will have more kids etc, that makes it worse. It is going to take your friend time. My son was born stillborn in Aug 2006, and the pain is unbearable, it was my first child and there was no complications with my pregnacy. Having people say I am sorry and that I will have more kids did more harm than good, it made me want to stay in the house and away from everyone. But I was blessed with best friends who would just listen when I needed to cry, or just needed someone to talk to they never said anythign just listened to me. The pain will never go away and it will take time for your friend to be able to move on, It still bothers me today.If she needs someone who has experienced the same thing to talk to you can give her my email address.