What Is a Normal Dad?

maybe you should remind him that being a student is a full time job that even though you are not being paid for it you are doing it to better the future of your entire family and this includes him. Just because his job earns money does not entitle him to use you as a maid. Remind him that his job ends at 5:00 but yours continues around the clock. Also remind him that he is no longer the child and that he took part in bringing 4 children into this world he needs to take his part in raising them. If he still insists on treating you like a maid than you insist on a salary remember they calculated that if a stay at home mom were paid for all the things that she does in the home she would make an est $100,000 to $150,000 a year.

No, C. he is not being fair to you or the kids. To start with his children need his attention and interaction too. As for you, as the other person said being a homemaker and mother is 2 full time jobs. Your husband needs to realize that even though he goes out into the world to work, you are working just as hard taking care of children, the house and all the daily things that must be done. My husband is much better than he used to be - he used to be messy and didn't help out around the house because his mother never made him. I have been working on him for 14 years and it has paid off (we dated for 8 years before marriage and I started on him during the dating period!). He isn't perfect, but he usually will do what I ask - they never do it on their own, they're clueless most of the time. :) Anyway, you do need to sit down with your husband preferrably after the kids are in bed so you can focus. Come prepared - make a list of all the things you do daily, weekly, monthly AND a list of what he does also. I did this early in my marriage and no kidding you, the list for me was 2 full columns and his was a few lines. The lists worked well because it really brought home how much I do everyday let alone every week. Guys are visual, they have to see it. Your husband also needs to see how doing all this yourself is wearing you out and for the sake your health and a healthy relationship with him he needs to do his share around the house and with the kids. Good luck!

I have a lot of the same issues. My husband and I both work full time, and when we get home at night, he locks himself in his 'office' and surfs or games all night. I still plead and cajole him in to helping when I can't deal with the mess any more, but unfortunately, he'd rather pay to have someone follow behind him and pick up his mess (he tends to think that since we both work, we can hire all the help we need; ha!) then pick it up himself.

It may seem a little passive-agressive, but I have explained to him that this is what I'm going to do when he refuses to help me around the house: I take care of everyone else and let him fend for himself. I might make dinner for everyone, but it's up to him to come downstairs and find the food. He can wash his own laundry, match his own socks, shower without his favorite soap, and iron his own shirts. I only have so many hours in the day, so I choose to spend them taking care of the people and the tasks that can't take care of themselves. After a week or so of scrounging for a pair of clean underwear, I usually have a little more pull when I ask for his help.

It's certainly not foolproof, but because we've talked about this over and over and over again, he knows he has no room to complain when I don't take care of him like he's one of the kids.

Resecnt research suggest that mothers who stay home with more then one child have THE HARDEST job in America. You are raising CHILDREN who will,too soon, become adults that will carry on the advice and examples that you as parents have taught them. Maybe this should be explained to your husband (in a nice way)

My suggestion is to sit down with him and ask what he thinks is fair. Maybe show him by book or method of what can be expected of your children at the ages they are. Explain that they have 18 years to be children, live free with observation. Explain the child whinning is NOT the childs fault, it is a simple use of expression (besides, when was the last time HE was sick or tired and did not whine....right?) The main point is that BOTH of you are stressed from everyday life, if he misses out on their childhood, one day he will look back and regret it. There needs to be an equal understanding behind you both, a compromise that makes it easy for the stress level to lower itself.

Good luck!!!

I feel for you. I am a SAHM myself and I have 7 children under my care everyday. I wouldn't trade it for the world! I had similar problems with my hubby, except instead of working out, my hubby's a computer junky. He works on the computer all day and then comes home and works/plays on the computer intil late at night. And to make matters worse, he had a 2 hour commute to and from work everyday. So we still never saw him. Well, we moved, and now we see him more, but he was still on the computer all the time. So, one night I went downstairs and asked if he was busy. And we talked.

I told him that there are a few times during the day that I find it very hard to handle all the responsibilities with the kids. For example, the transition time between the kids getting home from school and getting the 4 older ones started on their homework. Prepping and serving dinner, and then bedtime. These were times that I could really use his help. Even if all he did was keep our twin 2 yr olds entertained. He has started doing the laundry, since he's downstairs by the w/d. And he takes one of the 3 younger kids while he plays his computer. (He rotates who sits on his lap and he plays games that keep them entertained.)

So I guess that my advice to you is to ask your hubby for help. Perhapes to encourage him to teach some of the exersizes he knows to the kids. Make it fun. I know it seems silly, but kids LIKE silly. Encourage the kids to behave for daddy and that they can help you by letting you get dinner going or some homework done. Kids are naturally helpful.

As for meals, I take 2 nights off a week from dinner. My hubby cooks dinner one weekend night and the other night is usually leftover night. You raid the fridge or have a sandwich. It gives me a break from the stresses of the week and I use the time to relax a little.

Is your infant on a bottle or the breast? If he/she is on the bottle then you could ask him to get up on the weekends for the night feedings. But I'm sure that others have already suggested this.

One woman suggested taking a yoga class and I would also encourage you to take some time away from your family for you. You need the recharge time and yoga is a good way of getting in touch with yourself.

One other suggestion I have for you is to set up a routine that once hubby gets home from work, you leave the house to go to the library or some place that you can work on your homework without the constant interruptions. It allows you to get your 'work' done and forces your hubby to manage the kids. It can be for a couple of hours. And it doesn't have to be everyday, but enough so you can pass your classes in good standing.

You are an AMAZING woman and I really hope that things work out for you. You are braver than I to take on raising a family and school for yourself. Good luck!
I would also encourage you to have some Mommy/Daddy so you guys can connect as adults and have some stress-free talk time.

Unfortunately as I was reading your request I found myself nodding in agreement. My children's father is the same way. I have noticed that women have an easier time adjusting their lives to accommodate children. I have recently had a sit down with their father and he has agreed to help out more. Simply explain to your husband that his job is eight hours a day and he gets weekends. Mothers work 24/7 and we don't get days off. We are living in the 21st century, men need to understand that. Good Luck!

if you are not worried about your husband getting too frustrated with the kids and losing his temper, then leave them with him for a while. I mean, hours or even over night if you can get away with it, and do it more then once, then talk to him about his experience, and try to make him understand that you deal with that every day as well as your full time school, which is a job in itself and cleaning the house.

It doesn't sound like he is a "DAD" at all!!! Or a husband for that matter. You will grow so far apart while you are raising your kids and what will you have with him one they are gone?

When I read your dilemma, I just had to laugh. That sounds so much like my hubby. What I have found out, over many years of marriage, is that a lot of the time, it is not that they don't want to help, but that they just feel stupid in that arena.

My husband said that I just did things much better than he could ever imagine. (I take compliments, even if they are just shmoozing..ha ha)

There is no way to CHANGE A MAN. He has to want to or you have to just be happy in what you can do. You need to let him deal with the kids as best as he can and you need to take a break and let things go. I know it is hard, but he wont' learn to bond with the kiddies if you are always there to rescue him from the whining and such.

Doesn't sound easy, I know. Nothing is. You are a very busy woman as most of us women are. Men and Women are definitely made up differently. Just recognize his strengths and do your best to not get overwhelmed. If you are too stressed out, get a babysitter and go out with the girls. You can't afford not to stay sane!

Good luck!

Oh, you poor thing! Your hubby thinks you should take care of FOUR kids ALONE??? Ha! You are a much better woman than I! I have one and I'm tired enough as it is! God Bless you! AND you're going to school. Wow.

All I can say is this: I had a similar problem with my husband when our son was born. Now, he does help out but gets mad because he "has to". My argument that actually, surprisingly, helped was explaining that his job has set hours. He goes to work and then comes home. Mine is a 24-7, no sick time, no vacation and no weekends off job. And while he's at work, his boss is not crying for some reason he cannot fathom, his boss doesn't need their diaper changed, he doesn't have to feed his boss and pick up after them. Nor is he in charge of his boss' well being and he is not raising his boss to be a decent and intelligent human being. All of which I, as the mother of his child, does on a daily basis.

My husband gets irritated by the "whining" (our son is 10mos) and so do I, but we are both his parents, not just me. It's hard, but I just smile an understanding smile and walk away...(I assume you aren't afraid that your husband will hurt your kids). He's got to find his own parenting style and learn some patience with the kids. I will usually talk to him at some other time and tell him what I've learned, or what I was told was best blah blah blah, so he doesn't feel attacked but I can get the message across to him to be patient, etc.

We've also made a deal that he/I schedule our two free hours of childcare at the gym we go to and my husband works out...I listen to my ipod and/or study/do my sodoku puzzles (I work out having the baby all day!). This allows us both time to "decompress" and have some time "alone". It has helped our marriage immensely! We also try to give each other some time to themselves on the weekends to do what they would like to do...and I usually MAKE myself NOT clean the house.

My husband has agreed to take some infant/parent classes with our son this summer. I'm hoping that he'll learn that babies don't do things to intentionally annoy us, they just haven't mastered the art of communication and they communicate in any way they know that gets results. I agree that you should sit down with your husband and talk and find a compromise...communication is hard with little ones, but it is the very core to a good relationship...with anyone. See if you can find a friend to watch them if you can't find the time to talk when they're asleep.

If I didn't help, I at least hope you know that you aren't alone.

I'm trying to figure out what is normal too! My husband doesn't seem to know what to do with our 2yr old when I ask him to play with him, feed him, give him a bath, or just watch him so I can go out alone, even if it's grocery shopping! He acts like he doesn't know what to do, but when I tell him how I do things he hates that and says I act like I know it all.

Anyway, I know a lot of dads who help out way more than my DH does, but he knows a lot of dads who don't even do as much as he does so we are at an impass.

I guess it boils down to what is acceptable to both of you. But you should probabaly sit down and bargain for time to yourself (or to do homework) and you should either leave the house (go to the library) or go to a room where the door locks and make it clear you are UNavailable for that time. Do not jump in and save him! Seems like you should get the same amount of alone time that he does for working out, but make sure it's not longer, maybe no more than 2 hrs at a shot so he does not go crazy either. Tell him it's for your sanity!

Or if you must, hire a sitter or ask a relative to help out.

Good luck!

Oh I'm so glad to hear that I am not the only one in this situation. My husband is VERY similar. He'll usually pick up some slack when I mention it, but then over the period of about a month, he starts slacking off again. I try to do a lot of the stuff around the house, because I am a stay at home mom, not even in school like you! But there are times I have to nag him to even play with our son! I get so frustrated, he can be such a great dad when he wants to be, but I feel like I have to REMIND him, all the time, what he should be doing. And like you're husband, he also gets much more easily frustrated than I do with our son.
Ok, in terms of advice though...depending on what kind of background your husband has, he most likely knows nothing about child development. I have found it helps TONS when you understand what the child is going through: ie, why he/she may be throwing tantrums. So you could either encourage him to read a book, though if he is like my husband, that won't happen! Easier though, sign him up for a weekly email from babycenter.com. It's not very time consuming to read and gives lots of good general info specific to the child's age. This would probably be most helpful for your two youngest.
Also, and I am terribly guilty of this, but if you sign up and pay for some sort of extracurricular class (I was taking yoga twice a week), you're husband is FORCED to give you time alone and watch the kids. And that is only fair, especially since you say HE'S a fitness fanatic. Or it could be anything else, like an art class, music class...I realize that could be kind of difficult with being in school, but even something once or twice a month would help.
My last piece of advice would be to be patient. Which I know is so hard!!! I just don't think the patience and "mothering" instinct come very easily to most men, especially if they're working outside the home and not around very often. They don't know the children like you do and aren't prepared to deal like you are. So give him some tips; you are much more of an expert on your children it sounds like! Would it maybe help to have a talk with your husband about his relationship with his children, too? If he values it, he might take to heart the fact that his children are probably not very close to him.
Lastly, my husband seems to respond best when 1)I talk to him when I am not angry (I'm horrible about bottling things up, taking a "He should know better!" attitude and then letting it all come out, usually in a fight) and 2)when we're feeling closer and had some time to ourselves. However, that's hard for us to do with only one 13-month old, so I have no idea how you manage it with 4 kids! Maybe some advice you can give me?!
Anyways, good luck. Hold your ground, you shouldn't be expected to do everything when it comes to kids and household, and keep in mind that men just aren't as perceptive and good at multi-tasking as we are :) Sometimes you almost gotta feel sorry for them.