What Should I Do? - Fairfax, VA

Hi Sumi,

I am the parent of two toddlers who go to daycare. I have to say that I have seen a progression in the way they interact with other children, and each other over the past two years (still requiring frequent interruptions by mommy and daddy not to sit on your sister, pull hair, and to share). Some days are better than others, for each of my girls (2 1/2 and almost 3 1/2). Sometimes they play so well together I am absolutely amazed. That said...On any given day at day care, or in the park, you have a mix of kids at all the stages of socialization/communication, and in all the moods. Complicating it, it sounds like your little girl is used to only dealing with her own moods, and understandably expects everyone to understand what she understands about what is right. My younger daughter (by 10 mos) went through a period when she hit or bit as a way to protect what she thought of as hers from her big sister and the bigger kids at daycare. This was when she was preverbal and couldn't really speak-up for herself very well, but it took A LOT of work to get her out of that behavior. She still plays rough, not mean, she just likes to wrestle and doesn't know when to stop...As the mother who has stood exhausted and frustrated watching one child get down the toddler slide, while the other gets into a scuffle with another toddler at the top of the slide and bends over to bite him, I expect and appreciate the help of any other parent at the lot who reinforces the "we don't bite...say, sorry and let him down the slide in front of you" rule. Most of the time I could stop her before she made contact <g>, but the lesson would stand - you cross the line, you lose what you were arguing about. Anyway, I would also help the kids "figure out how you can take turns," etc. If your daughter sees you stepping in to help her solve the problem that started the issue, it will teach her some problem solving skills, and how to get along better "in the crowd." This should lessen her anxiety overall, and hurt feelings specifically. It will also help her when she goes to school and finds those same kids there.

With regard to approaching another mother, I wouldn't approach another mother unless my child hurt another child (by accident or design), or your daughter was actually hurt. But I would hope that if your child was bleeding, and you were making enough of a fuss at the playground, the mom would show up.

Best of luck.

S.

I am really concerned that children 15-20 months old are not being watched more closely by their parents which is a dangerous situation in many ways. I have had a similar situation happen a few times and I have always gone straight to that child and asked the child to apologize and tell them that that is not nice. When I have had to do that I have only had one parent come to me and say what did you say to my child. That means that because I said something to the other child that means the other kids parent wasn't even paying attention to the child when a grown up came up to them and I know that if a parent doesn't come forward to say something then the parent won't even know you have spoke to him/her. After that you will want to ask the child where is your mommy and go straight to the parent and let them know what happened. That will make the parent more aware that they are not supervising their child. I am in property management and it is a sad thing I see every day with parents not watching their kids, letting 4-5 year olds stay home by themselves etc. Yes I have called Child Protective Services in many situations for the safety of a child because apartment managers and maintenance knows more about a tenant than people would think.

Pushing and touching are a normal part of development for younger children. That being said, I have gently, and I stress the word gently, corrected children that are pushing or shoving, or I will say to my daughter in a louder voice so the other mom can hear, "I'm sorry that she hit you, I'm sure she didn't mean it." I think that moms with more than one child or with boys tend to over look pushing and hitting because it is normal for them. I would not confront the mom unless her kid injured your daughter and I wouldn't yell at the other kids, that is really crossing the line.

Only children can be more sensitive to rougher play, so it could be that she needs to relax a bit. That said, if my child were pushing or hitting, I would HOPE you would correct my child on the spot. A gentle, "That's not the way we play," or, "Please don't hit or shove, take turns," should suffice. Oftentimes, the other moms will see that there is a problem and step in to help out.

If this keeps happening repeatedly at different playgrounds, I have to wonder if your daughter is a little too sensitive. If you keep jumping in to soothe her too quickly, she may get the idea that it's normal for kids to cry at the least little touch. I hope I don't sound insensitive, but she's going to have real problems in group settings if she gets upset about typical child's play (I am NOT talking about hitting or deliberate shoving).

First, young children not having a sense of personal space is normal. My daughter goes to daycare and I have seen the progression in her and the other children. A 15 month old won't know, but a 20 month old should.

Personally, when I am at a playground (usually in our development), I am with my child close enough to correct the other child before the incident happens. This also usually encourages the other parent to watch their child.

Your child will mature past being easily upset by the behavior of younger children, but I would act to prevent the situation from arising. Personally, I would not speak to the other parents.

First, I'd like to praise you for teaching your daughter the right thing to do. It is nice to know that other mommies are teaching good values still today. It is very hard dealing with permissive parents out in the play area. Have you tried getting together with other mom's that share the same values as you? A few mom's that are in our play group, sort of have this agreement that we try to stop the babies from hitting each other, if possible, and not bring your child if he/she is sick to be considerate to other mommies and babies. I have run into other mommies that just let their babies pull other babies hair and even slap other children. It is very hard to see our babies get hurt. I have actually had to stop a child, (his mother wasn't paying any attention at the time), and tell the child,"No, no. No hitting. Be gentle." Have you tried joining a christian mother's group in your area? If you'd like, checkout www.mops.org, you can find a group near your home by putting in your zip code. I have found a nice MOPS group that way. God bless, and good luck to you!!

Even if the parents aren't paying attention I would absolutley confront them. They need to watch their kids and those kids need to apologize to your daughter. I was recently in a mall play area and an older boy had been running around hitting all of the kids when it got to my daughter he hit her also. I walked over there confronted him told him he was not to put his hands on her ever again. He was old enough to understand but if it was a younger child I would have gone to the mother. It is a shame that parents don't take responsibilty for their children. I know it is so frusterating if you are a parent who does to watch.

I woud talk to the parent. If they aren't watching their kids, the kids are in danger of hurting themselves or getting lost or a number of other things. My hubby gets on me about watching my kids too much at the park or playground and my comeback is always "atleast I know where my kids are and they aren't running around like a bunch of banchees." It is a parent's job to teach their kids appropriate behavior at any age, by 18 months my son knew what time out was and he had to sit in time out if he hit his sister or the dogs. I may be strict but my kids are well behaved and know how to act around other kids.

Talk to the other mothers. Let them know that your daughter is being hurt by their children and that your daughter isn't going to hit back, but you would appreciate it if they kept a closer eye on their children's behavior. If they refuse, remove yourself and your daughter to another part of the playground. I had a very similar problem with my son (now six) and his younger cousins. My in-laws thought their agressive little boy was funny, and I thought that it was horrid that this little monster was allowed to hurt my child just because MY son wouldn't hit back and teach him a lesson. All you can control in any given situation however is your own actions and those of your own children. So your only choice may be to remove yourselves if it continues.

When I am out with my son and another child hits him or pushes him, I say to the other child.... Oh, no no no, we don't hit. Then I scoop up my son and take him over to the side to look him over and talk to him. This does two things. He thinks the other child got into trouble and I took care of it b/c no one is allowed to hit. My child also sees that I care that another child hurt him and showed my son that hitting is in deed not allowed by me. Often times the other parent doesn't even hear b/c they are not watching their kids anyway. If the parent is close by and is talking to their son about hitting, I don't say anything but do check on my son. Most of the time the other parent will say they are sorry for their child or make their child say sorry. I don't end up having to say anything. It's hard when it's another persons child. So, I know how uncorfortable it can be to handle a situation like this. Hitting is a normal part of growing and developing but I think it does need to be adressed. This is has worked for me and I hope, if you try it, it will work for you as well.

~K.

15 month old babies aren't being mean, they're just babies, and making a child this age apologize to your daughter wouldn't mean much. hopefully as she continues to interact with other kids she'll get a sense of what's normal, and how to stay out of the way of the littler ones as they bumble about. a certain degree of pushing and hitting is normal as they figure out their place in the herd hierarchy, and most of the time kids do just fine if adults don't micromanage them. one can always step in if there's real ugliness going on, but most of the time it's not.
khairete
S.

Hi Sumi,
I totally understand your frustration. I have been in many situations where I have seen other children pushing and hitting and the parents are just not paying attention at all. Sometimes we do intervene in circumstances that seem very dangerous.

We have one little girl (3 and 1/2 years old) and we have taught her not to hit and push too. Unfortunately rowdy play is the norm for some families (especially for families with multiple kids).

When our girl was really little we'd just scoop her up and relocate her to a safer play area. These days she will say "Hey, NO HITTING!" or "You're being MEAN!" really firmly to the troubling child and that usually gets the child and the other parent's attention. When she's around kids younger than she is we remind her that they don't know better because they are just babies. We tell her that maybe she can help them learn not to do that.

With all that said, we are still perplexed about what to do too since this sort of thing sadly happens a lot. The good news is that the advice you've received so far has been very helpful! These mommies on here really know their stuff. :)

So, on behalf of all the moms frustrated over this, thanks for taking the time to write in about it, Sumi!

Take care,
A.

Personally I would say a comment to the other mothers about their childrens' behavoir. Its not fair to your daughter to get hurt while she is playing at the playground. That is upsetting when noone takes responsitbilty for their kids. That isn't fair to you when you go somewhere fun for you & your daughter.

That is crazy that kids younger than yours are not being watched. That doesn't make sense. What I have told my daughters about certain situations, where children act inappropriately for the standards of what we teach them, is that their mommy and daddy are not yet teaching them. Maybe if you can tell her that the child hitting has not been taught yet about not hitting, and that it is okay for her to nicely tell a younger child that it is not nice to hit someone. Then you, as an adult, are not interfering with another parent, it will give your daughter a nice way to handle the situation, and maybe the other child will actually learn! Don't think of it as putting it onto your daughter to say, as we all know mentioning one thing like this to most parents who already aren't watching their little one isn't going to make much of a difference. Your daughter vocalizing this is giving her an opportunity to express to the other children, in a nice manner, that what they are doing is not appropriate...and that seems to be what she is needing. I would practice with her about what she should say, and how, so that she is coming across as a helpful friend, rather than one child scolding another. It will also teach her a good lesson in the process to be a good example and help teach younger ones right choices. Good luck!
K.