What Should I Do About a Younger Brother?

Sounds like everyone but your mom needs to grow up. Let it be. Your husband shouldn't have corrected the fiance and you should have known what would happen. Did you throw the party to get credit or to celebrate his birthday? I promise that if you try to help him "see the light" that his fiance is conniving, he'll turn on you, not her. Go to functions, plan you own parties. Let him continue to be the immature one who skips family gatherings. If your mom asks you to help plan something for him and/or his fiance, feel free to decline. But don't let them dictate when you see the rest of your family.

I am guessing your brother is the only boy or the baby. And the baby he will always be.
He will not listen regardless who or what he is told as he is in love and love is blind (deaf and dumb too)
It was gracious of you and your mother to take the time and effort to do this for your brother. Think of it as a gift to him. As far as his girlfriend. Keep in mind she will always be this way, so don't count on her to help out in the future either.
don't let their unkind, ungratefulness get you down.

You can't control his behavior, you can only control your own. So continue to go to family functions you are invited to. Continue to invite him to yours. It is then his choice on how to behave and whether or not to go. When at these events I wouldn't go out of my way to converse with my brother, but I wouldn't avoid him either. I know it can be very frustrating to have someone else take the credit for all your hard work. HOpefully your brother realizes the shallowness of his girlfriend before he marries her.
Good luck,
R.

You did not do anything wrong.
If I were you I would attend family functions, and be polite, BUT if they insist on bringing up such nonsense, walk out of the room calmly, and if they persist, I would just leave quietly.
In other words, DO NOT get into it.
In general, DO NOT let their negative and toxic behavior infect your family unit.
If your mother repeats unfairly chewing you out, hang up.
AND, forget about putting effort etc. into things for your brother.
Be polite and kind but that is all.
Remember, your children are watching you, and how you react.
Participating in such dysfunction only serves to make us crazy in the long run, and possibly ill.
It is time to break the chain in your family.

i think you should go to every family function with your head held high. you didn't do anything wrong. it sounds like he needs to grow up. my husband comes from a family that gets into "wars" and i've found that if someone is mad at us, and we go to the function and act so happy with each other and about our lives that it drives them crazy! people like that thrive on drama and negativity, and if you're positive and happy, they'll hate it. they might not come to your child's b-day party, but it doesn't matter, because you'll still have fun.

Hi L.,

Coming into the holidays I would advise for you to maybe brainstorm some ways to put this situation behind you. I know it was frustrating having the fiance take credit for the party, but eventually, your brother would've found out that you did the work anyway. But, since this has become a large family issue, I suggest thinking bigger picture here. Why did you throw the party for your brother in the first place? If it was out of love, you will be able to move past these issue with the family because the love you have for them can overcome any drama that gets in the way, right?

I'm not a Dr. Phil fan, but I know that he says "would you rather be right or be happy?" And this may apply here.

Good luck--I hope things turn out ok.

I think you should be the bigger person and attend. Your mother is only ENABLING him by taking his side and refusing to address his immaturity, lack of respect and choosing to be ungrateful.

In addition, I would not hesitate to talk to the fiance and tell her how rude, disresptful and ungrateful that both of them are. If they choose to stay away, it's a reflection on THEM and their immaturity.

Address it and leave the ball in THEIR court. Sorry if your mother disagrees, but she's WRONG!!! I get so sick and tired of parents and mothers who enable their kids to continue in poor and irresponsible behavior. That's EXACTLY what she's doing!

You don't have to be nasty about it, but you DO need to speak the truth and let it go at that. It's THEIR responsibility to act on it and APOLOGIZE to both, you AND your husband. They BOTH owe you and your husband apologies!

Whether or not your brother comes to family functions is not a decision that you are able to make; whether or not you come to family functions is your decision. So if you want to go, go. You and your husband attacked his fiance and basically called her a liar (while it might be true), he did what you wish that your husband would always do and defended her. That is his job as a (future) husband. Why be so demanding for the credit? You didn't throw the party to take the credit. Someitmes you have to be the bigger person and bow out gracefully. I think that you should apologize to your brother for saying mean things to him about his fiance (whether they were true or not, you would be angry if everyone went around pointing out your husbands faults so rudely.) Then let it go, if he wants to mend fences he'll apologize also and you can go on with your lives. If you put yourself in his place, you will see that he has every right to be upset.

In my opinion, you're both being kinda bratty. I'm sorry to break it to you so bluntly, but it sounds like all you want is credit for the big party and since you're not getting it you're acting kinda ridiculous. The party was for him right? Why does it matter who got credit for it...as long as he had a good time? Perhaps I'm misunderstanding something in what you wrote, but that's what it sounds like to me.

Same goes for your brother, as far as acting like a brat. The fact that he can't just man up and confront his fiance about acting like a toddler in taking credit for something that was not hers. Though, to his defense, that is something that should have been done in private and you don't know the conversations held between them in private. I think it is ridiculous that he will boycott your child's party over this since it is certainly not their fault that all the adults are acting like children!

My advice is, apologize to your brother for your husband's remarks...regardless of who did the most for the party, the comments about it were out of line. And both you and your brother need to just settle down and talk to each other about the problems you have with each other and quit going to mommy about it. You are both adults now. You both have children and unfortunately it seems like they're the ones dealing with the consequences of this whole debacle

I'm totally confused. What does your mom think you did? Did your brother tell her you guys had words? It sounds like he's a selfish, spoiled guy who's going to have lots of problems in his life if he goes running to mommy to fight his battles. If I were you, I would continue to attend family functions. If your brother wants to act like such a baby, let HIM stay home. Or better yet, maybe he and his fiance can do some work and host something.

If it were me I would continue to go to family functions, if he chooses not to go to them that's his problem and his loss. Life is too short to nit pick, i say choose your battles wisely!
S.

The best thing to do is to stay classy. Extend the offer of the party again, and do attend family functions. (Why punish yourself or your children for his behavior?) Be polite to her and your brother. He's going to marry her, and she'll be a part of your family.

Rise above the drama and keep your family above it. Show your mother, brother, and his fiancee, that you and yours are not going to be sucked in. Hopefully, tempers will cool, and they'll come around.

She might not be a bad person. There might be a reason why she did what she did. Anything from an emotional issue (being unsure of her place in the family), to a financial issue that she's embarrassed about. When things calm down, why not invite her to lunch, and extend an olive branch? Try to get to know her better, and if she really is a jerk, keep it cordial. You don't have to be best friends, but being polite to her is probably the best.

I'm not saying be doormat. Just be polite.

Hi L. so lucky I never had this but I will tell you what I have had. My mother in law wanted our son to sing two religious song's so he made a CD of them and she loved listening to them all the time. She wanted them played at her funeral. Well when she passed away her daughter stepped in and had a whole CD of country music played which my mother in law NEVER listened to country music. My sister listened to my son's music every morning as she was getting ready for church and again wanted his music played at her funeral. When she passed away the excuse for not playing his CD was "oh we forgot to bring it". We go on and are nice at family gatherings but in the back of our hearts we are so hurt but we wouldn't give them the satisfaction of knowing how hurt we are. Hang in there but some people never grow up.
I forgot to mention the songs were Amazing Grace and How Great Tho Art and my son is a professional singer. Good Luck

Are we related? Perhaps we have the same little brother? Mine does stupid stuff ALL the time. I'm not afraid to call him out on it though. My stepmom gets mad at me and always takes his side, but I don't care. He's a grown man and if he does something I don't like I should be able to tell him that with out him acting like a baby. My opinion, brush it off. Have your parties and keep inviting him, attend family functions and have conversations with him and his fiance. If he's anything like my brother (and it sounds like he is) he spins everything so he's the golden boy and never does anything wrong. Eventually people will see through it. Just keep living your life and dont' let him bother you too much. If he avoids this party, I bet he attends the next one.

Hi L...remember we are all seeing this from the outside, so do not know all the details. And many different opinions here. I think from the on start, wether the fiance helped or not was irrelevant. This was something for your brother, you and your mom did it for him,not for the praise you mite have gotten. you could have just let it go, or talked to your brother in private after the party and let him know you and your mom did alot ( or all ) of the work. Or "did you like the dip? Mom made it." with a lil laugh, jokingly tell him how hard it was for 'you' to track down his friends. sudtle ways for you to let him know you and yer mom did alot of the work, without putting down his fiance. This has gotte outa hand, but i would call my brother, go to lunch with just you and him, and talk. Is this worth the battle that could be brewing. Good luck and God Bless.

There are way too many things going on here on too many levels. As long as everyone continues to hurt and hold grudges nothing can or will happen. You can only control what is under your authority and sometimes spouses and children do not cooperate. YOu and your husband are setting examples for how your children will behave in the future maybe towards your relatives and maybe towards each other. This sounds like an endless cycle that can only be helped by some type of counseling. If you are a religious person talk to someone at church. If you are a religious person read your Bible for answers. God will and can guide you on how to manage this. Even for the best of us this would be hard to manage because there are some bad habits that have already been made. You cannot control how your brother behaves or responds but you can decide what would be the best end result out of all this. Only you will know what is best for your family and what you want to allow to impact your children. If you forgive your kids will learn to forgive. If you teach your kids see you be bitter or revengeful they will be the same. The decision is yours.

Welcome to my world...
If he wants to declare this ultimatum then let him be the baby and let HIM not attend the functions. It's his problem. Not yours. It's his loss. Eventually my brother realized that it didn't work to pull that "stuff" with me. I didn't buy it and refused to play the game. We don't agree on a lot of things but there is a mutual respect.

As for your Mom... that's harder. My mom bailed out my brother and backed him until the day she died. We went toe-to-toe more than once - but he was always her baby. Pick your battles. Good luck.