What to Do About Marriage

I went through that kind of thing about 10 years ago so I ended the marriage. I could not stay with someone who I know did not feel anything for me other than selfish desire to keep me locked down. I decided for me it was time to move on and I have stayed single only because I am being very careful about whom I get hooked up with. No one can tell you what to do but sometimes it is better being single and alone than to be married and alone. Good Luck to you!!!

Sometimes a separation will shock him into action or show you whether or not a divorce is the right thing to do.

Hi K.,
Firstly to save a marriage like this (to have a relationship in general!) requires a lot of work so you have to ask yourself..are both parties involved willing to put in that work? It can't be one sided. It is hard for us to know all of the history involved in this relationship or how it may differ from day to day but I would say that after 23 yrs you probably answered this question a long time ago. I think we just hold on because we don't want to "fail" but don't sell yourself short. I think it's safe to say that you are probably at a point in your life where you should think about finding your own happiness and moving on. It is hard and can seem impossible but you will learn just how strong you can be. There is no reason to continue living in misery on either end of the relationship or to put your children and those around you through that. Just think...a year from now you could be sitting writing yet another one of these emails pondering whether you should stay in this relationship or you could be enjoying a great new begining.

Hi K. don't really have words of wisdom, however I am also in a marriage like yours. My husband and I live more like brother and sister. I have talked to him many times with no avail. Leaving him is something I thought I would never do, however I am in the process of leaving and I feel good about it. I have started going out sometimes with my friends just finding myself. I have been supermom, wife, Program Specailist at work and grandma, but who am I.
I have to say to be married for 23 years in a marriage like that you are an awesom womam. ( I am not telling you to leave but find yourself and the wonderful woman you are.)

K., I encourage you to call Retrouvaille. Retrouvaille helps with communication. My husband and I attended and it has helped with the communication. We still have ups and downs but we are still together three years later.

http://www.retrouvaille.org/

Wishing you luck, I will pray for you.

S.

I've been told that date nights can really help. Have a romantic dinner, movie...etc. My husband and I are very different so I totally know where you're coming from. The key is talking to eachother. Discuss why you are growing apart, and what you think you can do to fix it. If the two of you don't talk a lot (like my husband and I) you may understand him more and be able to relate to eachother after a deep conversation. If things don't change, maybe seek counseling. I've always talked to my husband about it and he won't go. But maybe if your husband wants to save his marraige, he will be open minded about the situation. There is no reason to be miserable in a marraige. Team work plays a huge part in relationships. Maybe this will help? Good luck :)

K.

WOW, you gt a lot of responses. I hope you don't mind yet another one.
My friend was in a similar relationship. Her husband would take ten dollars of his paycheck and give her the rest then spend his time at the bar. She divorced him and remarried. Her new husband used all his money and hers on drinking.
I noticed some responses to you about people with very good experiences. Either way, you have to be a whole person with or without a husband.
If you go to church maybe your pastor could help you two to start communicating effectively. Some life long problems are solved with a simple conversation.
Here's a little tip: Don't try to communicate with him for twenty minutes after he comes home from work. Give him time to readjust to being home.
I hope you find happiness in all God has given you!

Dear K.,

Well, I stayed in my similar marriage, and finally left just before I went crazy. Of course, you already know, life is always hard, but mine did get a bit easier when I left my husband. He was really killing my spirit. I finally got a divorce and remarried. I have had a much happier life, although it has been no easy road. ....adult step children can be really awful. So, as mean as it sounds, I say yes, go ahead and separate. Maybe he will be anxious to make things better, or maybe he is waiting for you to do something.

But, first, try to talk and communicate. I know, he probably won't discuss anything. But, do try, and get counseling and pray a lot and just listen for the solution to come to you. You have waited for a long time, just devote a bit more time, so that you will have no regrets. ....having no regrets is the key to having a more stress free life ahead, and it will only take a little while, until you get the right answer.

Good Luck, C. N.

I would like to first ask you to not use words like locked in or separate worlds. Those words make it sound as if you have already given up. I have been to that place were it seems like there is no way back to the other person. I found that since we were not communicating with one another we started to think for each other, meaning I new that he was not touching me because I was fat or because he hated me. He on the other hand thought that I did not want to be touched because I was too mad at him. What was so sad is that we both wanted to be touched and loved, the only thing that we needed to do was let our guards down and just say the words that would have healed a wound created by our stuborness.

If you want to try to work things out, there is a book called Courtship After Marriage by Zig Ziglar that helped me and my husband. If it's been unhappy for most of the 23 years, then realize if you let go, something else (better) is out there. You decide if it will be getting some time alone to "find yourself" or a great love that you still have to discover.

If you get any good advice please pass it on to me because I could use some input too!

Hi K.,
I think it takes an extraordinary patiance and strength to stay in a marriage for 23 years, especially in an unhappy one.
I am in the same position in my own marriage although I have been married 5 years. We also have nothing in common and connecting us except our daughter. That is the only thing helping me still go.......... and also I know that all man are the same and if you change them, it's just another short term escape.
The interesting part that right now I am attending a biblical marriage counciling training to become a councelor.
I think the best thing we can do in this situation is at least accept it and enjoy the other aspects of our life: our children, friends, parents. Lets focus on all the good staff that we have and have experianced, all our achievements. Life is not about marriage or our children only...i think it is also about being someone usefull and managing tto enjoy it.........it is pretty short.

A.

I guess my only question is what's keeping you there?

I have heard of people who live like this out of convience and have their other lives with other people but keep it discrete. I am not one of those people. I think that life is too short not to happy in your own home with the one you love. Good Luck!

Wow, 23 years is a long time. Unfortunately you are at a cross-roads. I was in a horrible relationship for 3 years and after i got out, my life improved dramatically. I never regret the choices I made. My aunt has a situation similar to yours, she was married for 25 years, and finally left and certainly has a new lease on life...she smiles now. However, if you want to give it one last shot, I recommend the book by Dr.Laura: "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" and "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriages". Good luck to you and this difficult decision in your life.

If your not happy then you either have to try or if you have already tried to save the marrage then you need to move on, especially if there are kids involved. It isn't healthy for you or them to be in a relationship that isn't good. It'll be probably the hardest thing to do but in the long run it will be the best.

Hi K.,

Being a wife and mom is by far the hardest thing I have ever done. Have you been to counseling? That helps us so much! Also, my husband and I pray together and it keeps us centered. It is not easy, but we work together on everything. When we do fight, now we resolve it in a positive way. I would say, talk abt counseling with him. Hope this helps...

Blessings,

K

i think yo both need to sit and talk about when and why you started growing apart, that way you guys know where to begin to work out the problem. counseling might also be a good idea and if none of this works for either of you then it is probably best to just go your seperate ways. GOOD LUCK!

K.,
Get out, its not worth the unhappiness. If you have kids at home this type of situation is worst on them if you stay, they will only be subjected to what an unhealthy relationship is. If you want to raise your kids to be happy and well adjusted then you need to be happy. Good luck!

Perhaps counciling will help both you and your husband. If that has already failed you need to leave the marriage and start living life. You only get one shot at this one WHY BE SO UNHAPPY IN IT? seriously what it the point of being unhappy everyday. CHANGE IT good luck

How many more years do you want to live like that? Get out and move on.