What to Do in Heat of Confrontation and Afterward

Walk away, walk away, walk away.

Lock your door if you have to. Anger is fueled by adrenaline, and it's effect will fade if you give it time (10 minutes to an hour should work).

Once the anger fades I'm guessing it will be easier to deal with the issue or situation more clearly.

Just one note: you really need to quit blaming your daughter for any actions you take. You giving in to her demands, you cursing, you raging, they are all problems that you have, separate from your daughter's actions. You always, always have the power to separate yourself from the situation and calm down.

how would you respond if you were goaded into cursing and swearing at a co-worker?
of course you should apologize if you behave badly.
if you never discipline her, how do you think she's going to learn?
you MUST go take some parenting classes. this will not pass if you're always too tired and apathetic to parent appropriately and consistently.
khairete
S.

ETA: A highly recommended book for parents is "Back In Control: How to Get Your Children to Behave" by Gregory Bodenhamer. It's an older book but still available very reasonably on Amazon and other sites.

It's a quick read but gives excellent, very practical responses to common childhood problems of not listening, arguing, defying, etc. This would be very useful for you, to stick with specific, standard responses so that you don't get pulled into heated arguments where you lose your temper. Please check it out. I really think this could be of immediate help to you even before you start therapy.

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ORIGINAL:

I just read your other post, and from what you've written, it sounds like family and couples therapy is in order because these dysfunctional patterns have gone on for so long that you're feeling completely overwhelmed and stuck in this self-imposed helpless place where you don't know what to do.

That leads to just giving up and giving in, which leads to resentment, which fuels the rage. Which is exhausting. Which leaves you with no energy to do what you need to do.

You need some hands-on direction and guidance to get your parent-child and your spousal relationship back on a healthy path. Get a neutral third party to help you. You have four years left until she goes off to college or can move out on her own. Do you want these last years with her to be more of the same? Is that how you want your family's story to be written?

I think you know in your heart that you're not doing your daughter any favors by giving in to her and reinforcing her use of manipulation. Other people in her life, like boyfriends and eventual spouse, co-workers, bosses, friends won't tolerate this tactic. She needs to learn how to hear "no' sometimes and deal with it. We all do. Continuing on this current path is setting her up for failure in her current and adult relationships.

There is no shame in asking for help, so no excuses. Ask friends. Ask your primary care dr. or your ob/gyn for recommendations for a therapist.

When you go, don't give up because things don't change immediately (they won't). Also, give the therapist a chance. You're not selecting a best girlfriend here, but rather, you need someone who can be supportive while at the same time pushes you to do things differently, look at things differently. It's natural to be a little defensive, but don't let those feelings drive you away from therapy. It can work, if you stay with it.

For what it's worth, we are "older" parents, too. Our baby is 10, and my husband and I are 55 and 52, respectively. And honestly, my friends who are still in their early 40s and 30s report being just as tired as the rest of us. Your situation is less about age than it is about cultivating a healthy family dynamic.

Your words sound like you feel so helpless, but you are not. Make a commitment to your family by searching out a therapist today with the goal of having a scheduled appointment on the books by the end of the week. (To clarify: Not an appointment by the end week, but just have one scheduled).

Sending you thoughts of strength so you can get back on track!

J. F.

You stop acting like a spoiled child and start acting like a parent. You teach by your own actions so getting pushed to your limits and reacting by cursing and swearing is teaching her to do the same. All parents are exhausted however that doesn't mean we get to throw up our hands and give up. She's 14. She needs parents who are involved and will guide her to adulthood. Get back in the parenting game

I don't know know if this will work for you or even if your willing to try it, but when my daughter started to behave like this instead of engaging with her I stopped speaking to her. I didn't talk to her for two weeks. At all. I fed her, made sure she had all the tings she needed for school and got her to her activities, but I didn't say a word to her. She eventually came to me and we had a long and calm discussion about her behavior and the behavior and respect that I expected from her. She has never pushed me to yelling since. I have stopped talking to her once or twice but never for the duration of that first time. I do have to add that I am a single parent so I cannot help with the issues with the manipulation of you and her father. I would recommend some family counselling for that.

You have to change your inner dialogue from "I'm old and I'm too tired to discipline" to "I am the parent and I have to discipline and I can."

Deciding not to discipline is to surrender to letting your daughter ruin the family this way for the next 4 years. So either decide to pair up with the hubs and not allow that, or decide to accept her as your leader. Then act accordingly to your choice.

How would my parents have reacted to being pushed into an argument with profanity involved? Would never have happened. I would have lost a huge privilege at the first disrespectful sentence (or dirty look) and it would only have escalated from there for me. Never happened. but if it had happened, they darn sure would never have apologized to me. Well maybe for swearing but not for my SEVERE consequences which would have been my own fault. I was not raised to think I could drive a car, go do fun things with my friends, participate in activities I loved, wear nice clothes, have my own room decorated in concert posters, WHATEVER all while being disrespectful to my providers. nope. Not how the world works. Parents age: irrelevant.

I know it's hard to do, but I think the best thing for you to do is to simply say to her that you are too angry/frustrated to discuss this right now and you are going to have a time-out in your room. Then go to your room, calm down and then come back and have a discussion with her. I have found from personal experience that if you allow them to keep going, you will give in. My daughter was much like yours. I finally stopped playing into her hand and simply had a time-out which allowed me to calm down and to think rationally and to NOT say things I didn't really mean.

Time for counseling for the whole family.

You need to do whatever you can to stay in control. Our kids depend on our examples to learn how to control themselves. At 14 she is going wild inside. She has to maintain control at school, at church, in public - but she knows she's loved when she gets home and unfortunately we get the brunt of our teenager's bad days. Kind of like husbands and wives bickering about stupid stuff when we've had a bad day.

Our teens really truly want us to stay in control - becuase they feel so out of control themselves. But they have this instinctive ability to know exactly what to say to get us in one of those crazed moods. As much as they seem to be manipulating us they really would rather we stand our ground and deal with them calmly. Anticiptate that she will say things to set you off. Anticipate and plan your response before one of her teen storms blows into town. I realize it's easier said than done - my now college age child knew how to push my buttons - and most of the time I responded well. But there were also those psycho-mom moments about which I am so ashamed. But afterwards I would apologize. There were times when she was still b*tchy to me and I would calmly walk away and there were times she was jsut as apologetic.

You must discipline and say no. She knows if she's persistent she'll wear you down. Just keep saying no. It's your job. You should also decline some of those social functions. My job includes them as well and I try to say no as mcuh as a possible with teens in the house. Teens can get into more trouble than little kids! I also had my kids late in life, so I'm planning retirement while paying for college...

My daughter did grow out of that nasty age - and she found new friends. It's been said that we become like the 2-4 people who we spend the most time with. What are her friends like? Once my DD saw her "friends" for what they were she dropped them and it did take a while to find new ones, But she did.

My almost 16 yr old son is in the midst of this now - although he's far more peaceful and likes to fly under the radar. But the friend thing is still a work in progress.

Although it sounds like you're really frustrated and can't wait til she grows up and gets out of this stage, it can be a really fun time with your child and will set the stage for how things will be in her adulthood. She needs to be told no sometimes, needs to know you will be there through it all and won't give up no matter how difficult it gets (and it will) and she needs to know that she's more important that your work evening functions. Getting good grades and behaving in public are all fine. Developing a respectful relationship with her parents is even more important. TAke the time to nurture this relationship - she will pretend she doesn't care, she'll act like she doesn't want to spend time with you - but she does. Find the things in life that interest her and try to involve yourself in them. I promise you'll be glad that you did.

Good luck mama. The teen years are tough - but the rewards are great.

You need to start recognizing what triggers you and then head it off before your trigger point is reached.
Disengage if she's trying to pour fuel onto the fire.
Discipline by taking away the toys/electronics/phones/internet access.
These things are privileges - if they are not earned by constant good behavior then she will do without.
She'll get warnings (every time she crosses a line - you just count "that was one", "that was two", "and that was three" then pulled the plug, cut the circuit breaker, take the battery, lock the plug, cancel the internet provider/cell phone account/data plan, etc.
No more discussion than that.
She is not too young to work on her exit strategy.
She'll be 18 in 4 short years.

Geez I wrote a long post telling my experiences with a difficult teen. It's gone. My main point is that you have to change to get respect and obedience. I was able to make a change thru counseling. I suggest that your anger and how to control it will only happen when you deal with the reasons for the temper. Get to know your buttons and how to turn them off.

I just read your previous post. I suggest that healing your marriage should he first on your priority list. Because both of you have to be on the same page before you can see progress with your daughter. Of course she doesn't respect either of you. She is begging for more love and harmony. At 14 and living with you has taught her to act this way. You are her role models. Please change your family dynamic. It would be better to separate if the two of you continue to not enjoy being together. If you can't make major changes in your life I suggest you put her in another home. If you don't know someone with better relationship skills who could take her for awhile consider a foster home. Use a nonprofit agency. They can provide counseling too. Do not put her in the states legal system.

I suggest that a great part of your anger is there because your husband has withdrawn from you and the marriage. I suspect that the two of you fight, yell and scream at each other. I suspect you are also angry with your daughter because she is disrupting your plans for retirement. Remember that not having enough money to retire is the result of your decisions and has very little to do with your daughter. You don't have enough money because of your decisions.

I wonder why you adopted. Did you not know that your child will be who she is because of the way you treat her and each other? Have you not tried counseling? All of you need to be in Family counseling as well as individual counseling. Without counseling your situation will only get worse. Your anger puts her at great risk to become a delinquent. she will not be able to have healthy relationships and most likely have major mental health issues.

Your post has caused me much concern. I adopted a child who had a chaotic and abusive childhood. I'a retired police officer who was called to families such as yours. It may be too late to turn your daughter around. It's never to late to recognize anger and learn how to let it go.

It takes two people to argue.

Somehow, you have to figure out a way to NOT get sucked into the argument.

State things clearly, and evenly.

If you feel it is getting heated, you just need to say something like, "I can't talk to you right now when it is heading to an argument. We both need to calm down and talk later."

You have to start being the example of how to deal with this frustration.... she does it to push your buttons, to basically get out of whatever it is she got into.

Some way you need to NOT engage in the argument.

I agree with the idea of family therapy.... give you all tools of how to communicate.