What to Do with Unexpected Guests

When I was little we lived in Michigan and it was just the style that people would drop by. As kids we loved it and honestly it didn't seem to bother my parents at all. Now that we live in colorado that doesn't seem like the "right" thing to do. I miss it! You should look at it this way if they are your friends and they are willing to drop by un-announced then they are also willing to take the good with the bad. They want to spend time with you even if your house isn't perfect or you aren't feeling that well. Really when you aren't feeling well isn't that the perfect time for a friend to stop by and lend a helping hand. Most likely they would be willing to help you if you are down and out and they don't want to be a burden. As when it was us we weren't expecting to be entertained most of the time we wanted to just be together. I don't think a lot of people see that or get that...maybe it is still the same in Michigan but I don't know. I'm going through a tough time right now and sometimes it would be nice if my friends would just come by instead of calling because then I blow them off when deep down I know that I shouldn't.
They are your friends and just remember they love you just as you are and you just accept them just as they are. If you are heading out the door they won't be mad they will just come back again. Good friends will always come back.

Interesting, and awkward. I'm glad that you pointed out her social faux pas -- odd that she couldn't figure that out ahead of time. Probably her mother had that habit, and that's where she learned it from.

If you would be happy to see her again in the future, then call her and say so, "but please call first". Otherwise, you don't have to call her.

You could practice an answer before they come, like "I'm sorry I can't visit right now, we're zooming around getting ready to leave for a playdate". (That way if you look like a wreck -- I love you, I'm just being descriptive -- she can still think that you're getting ready to go somewhere.)

Practice a sentence like that every time the doorbell rings (no matter who it is) before you answer the door, and that way you'll have it memorized and be completely prepared the next time one of these folks shows up.

There are a couple approaches you could take...
I don't answer the door. For all they know you could be sleeping, in the shower, on a walk, who knows. I hate when people randomly show up, it usually a bad time! Most people have cell phones and should be able to call if they are "in the neighborhood."
Also, its not safe to answer the door to just anyone. Especially if your hubby isn't home, you never know.

You could also just tell them to call before they come over and don't let them in. Just be firm, say you have plans and you don't have time to visit.
Good luck!

Hi,

I know that some people are fine with people dropping in, but because you wrote this, I'm guessing you are not one and that is fine! I am not either. It's just not my personality, I like some notice. You don't need to change who you are for other people.

If you do want to mend or maintain the friendship, it would be fine to call her. I think the more casual you keep it the better the result would be.

The fact that she stayed despite your protests the last time but haven't heard from her since makes me wonder if she was just embarassed.

I think calling her to chat about other things (or better, have something else to ask her- for a recipe she has or the name of a store or something). Then say you two need to get together soon, and that you just need maybe 2 hours notice (or whatever you would prefer) when she wants to pop over. Very casual but definite so she gets the point but you don't embarass her or make her defensive.

Good luck.

L.,
Because it is on your mind, I believe you do get to talk to your friend. Don't call her with an agenda. Simple call her up and say that you have missed hearing from her. Before the conversation ends it would be nice if you shared with her how you feel and what makes your comfortable. Realize that what works for you is merely that, something that works for you. Not everyone feels the same as you. As long as your come from is from a space of wanting what is best for the relationship you will be OK.
I would advise that you also say a prayer before calling your friend. I believe the heavens are pleased when we ask for assistance to mend a relationship.
With my whole heart, C.

Are these guests the want to stay overnight, or just visitors? It sounds like just visitors. Well, what I have to say is that you are lucky to have so many good friends, and people that like you well enough to visit you. I wish people would drop by to visit me. I work really hard to make friends, but no one ever visits me, and I am terribly lonely all the time. What I would give to have someone drop by and interrupt my never ending cycle of housecleaning! It is embarrassing to have people come when you are not prepared to present your best self (spotless house), but that is real life, and real friends care about you, not what your house looks like. Of course, if you are sick, that is different, but if someone comes and you tell them you are sick, and they choose to stay, you certainly shouldn't feel like you need to entertain. Or if someone comes by and you are busy you could say you were just headed out or whatever. Or just keep working while you talk. I remember a while back a friend from out of town dropped by unexpectedly while I was bottling pears. Even though I hadn't seen her for years, the pears needed to be done, so I kept bottling, and we talked while I worked. We had a good chat and I got my work done. Enjoy your friends, they should be top priority!!

I'm with another of the posters. I'd love it if someone just dropped by! My friend and I who lived 4 houses apart used to drop in on each other all the time. But the difference here is that we could and would tell each other thanks for dropping by, but we were just on our way out the door, or that we're having a crazy busy day. That said, we'd stay for just a few minutes and leave, or offer to help.
That's probably where your friend is coming from, too, although she doesn't seem to be too open to the idea of cutting her visit short if you're busy. But if you'd like to have her call before a visit, you may have to tell her. Do you go visit her, and call before-hand? That should be enough of a clue, you'll probably have to come out and say it.
Good luck!

Have you told her that it stresses you out, and ask that she calls first. You could also look at the situation like your friend feels like you are an inviting person. Or perhaps she needs a good friend. Yes your friend needs to listen to you if your about to do something else or sick, so just tell her I'm sick, got to go, see ya latter. I think that is one of the wrong things in our society today. No one just drops in for coffee or to say hi. We feel like everything needs to be scheduled. Yet we may know someone from the internet states away and talk to them on a regular basis, and yet we dont know the names of the neighbors down the street. ( I am guilty of this too) But if your friend drops in while cleaning have her chat with you or help. I had a friend until we moved that she would come over and just keep me company while I would clean, it made the chore less of a pain. Enjoy the fact you have a friend that feels welcomed, who cares if stuff doesn't get done, chores keep people don't last forever.

Just let them stand on the front porch for 15 minutes so that naked you or naked your husband can go get dressed.

After a few times, they'll start calling first.

If it's a really bad time.....say "I'm soooo glad you're here. Would you mind helping me by washing the dishes? OR would you mind watching the kids while I go take a shower/nap? I just haven't had a chance yet today. Thanks, you're a lifesaver!"

They'll either help each time, or visit less ;)

Just let your friend know that you like her and that you like having her around, but you like her to let you know when she is coming. Add this, "We are very busy and we sometimes have plans and would greatly appreciate it if you would let us know when you are coming and then come at that time. You are a valuable friend to me and I want to be able to adjust my time accordingly for you." Then if she still does not respect what you said you will have to get stronger with her. "We have told you that we would like for you to let us know when you will be arriving because we make plans at times. Please respect my wishes, again you are a valuable friend and we enjoy you, however, you need to let us know in advance when you are coming."

Hope that helps.

I definitely think it is rude to show up unannounced. I always call before visiting because I would like people to do the same with me.

My advice for handling the situation with your friend is call her and tell her that you enjoy her friendship, but there are some rules that apply. Explain what you feel is appropriate behavior in the visiting situation and ask her to abide by those rules. If she can't, then I wouldn't consider her a very good friend. Anyone that ignores a "friend's" requests (as long as the requests are not inconceivable) is only out for him/herself.

HTH

Have a GREAT day!

S.

Easy solution- don't answer your door for anyone. I don't care who it is, I never answer the door unless someone has called ahead and I'm expecting them. I have had good friends and family stand on my door and bang on windows, and they all know that if they didn't call, I'm not opening it. You can tell them you're trying to teach your kids not to open the door for strangers, so they need to call first. This also eliminates all the door to door salesmen. I have zero problems with this now. Everyone knows my rule.

I think your situation is more about expectation. I have friends that love when I drop by and actually get annoyed that I would call first and friends that I must make arrangements with, often at least a week in advance. So instead of being shaken up when friends just show up, give them a call and tell them how you feel. It doesn't have to be confrontational at all. Just say, "hey we love to see you but things can be busy or I'd feel bad if we got you sick so could you call before you drop by?" If these people are really your friends then they will respect how you feel.

While it may not necessarily be rude to come by unannounced, it is definitely rude to stay when the "hosts" are up to company. When they come by and you feel like you can handle company (maybe just delaying a few things, or working/cleaning while you visit a bit), welcome them in. If you can't have company - your house isn't ready for it, you're sick, or you have other plans made, simply tell them "I'm so glad to see you. I have other plans today, but I'd love to get together another time. When can we plan it?" If necessary, don't let them in your house, just talk on the porch. And if the don't get the picture, don't answer the door!

For me it really depends on the person. If it is a close friend or family member I love it. Usually because they are more aware of me and my family. On the other hand there have been times that I haven't wanted to answer the door to a neighbor that just came over too much. I think the issue with her is that I didn't feel that I could say that it was a bad time. One reason why I wish that I had a peep hole on my door at the time to check a little more inconspicuously. In fact I have been in your same situation with 2 neighbors. One kept knocking and ringing the doorbell till I answered and so I was a little short with her because I was trying to put a baby to sleep and she wasn't helping and the other I started putting a note on the door that said no knocking or ringing the doorbell because I was putting kids down for a nap. Both situations I have never felt was innapropriate behavior on my part. For me I did call and talk to them and explain the situation and that I love visiting with them and that I am sorry that I was a little harsh. Then I also explained to them that we need to work out a system that makes it possible for me to not answer the door and not worry about hurting their feelings. I wanted to be a good friend and neighbor, but I needed to feel like it was ok to say now is not a good time. I hope that you are able to figure something out with your friend and that you both will be happy with the outcome. Good Luck.

I, too, am one of those who does not appreciate the unannounced visitor. I used to have the same problem with my MIL right after I first got married. Not only would she come over unannounced, she would WALK IN WITHOUT KNOCKING FIRST!!! I told her, respectfully, of course, that she needed to get used to the fact that my hubby doesn't live alone anymore and that this is my house now too, and that I would prefer it if she would knock when she comes over. Well, she started knocking, but if I didn't answer the door fast enough, she would still just walk in. I finally started locking the doors, and if she came over unannounced and I didn't feel like visiting, I would go into the bathroom or go lie down on my bed and not answer the door. That way, when I was questioned later about why I didn't answer the door (and believe me, I was ALWAYS questioned about it!), I could say "I must have been back in the bathroom" or "I was resting" without lying! I also suggested she call before coming over, and it didn't really do any good until after several times of me not answering the door when she showed up unannounced.

I am okay with unannounced visits. But, there is also a place to draw the line (sickness, have other plans (although some plans may be able to be changed at times, and that is ok), or other pending issues that might not be appropriate for the visit to crash at your house.

It sounds like some of your unannounced visits are not very courteous, in that they push themselves to stay.

Of course a call would always be appreciated and nice, not always feasible though. But, I think if you can express your feelings "It is so good to see you, I wish we could offer you a place to stay this time, but now is not a good time. I'd be happy to help you find a motel close by or do you know anyone else that could take you in for the night?" If they don't understand your needs in this, and have a fit over it if you will - then they (to me) aren't very good friends.

I think it is nice to be able to, when you can, even unannounced to invite them into your home. BUT, you shouldn't ever have to drop important things you're doing with your hubby or your family, or being sick for that matter to entertain.