What to Say "NO" To?????

I agree about using words other than, "no". However, I do not agree that they do not fully understand what "no" truly means til age of 3? What? I began LIGHTLY flicking each of my childrens' tops of hands around 12 months with a firm no or other such word and they got it. It was a simple way for them to understand. If we were out and about and began to touch something they were not supposed to, a simple flick with the appropriate word prior to the flick worked. Some people would not agree and you may not either, but it was effective with my family and better than a swat on the rear when there was definite defiance going on, especially around the 2 year old point.

It's the tone of voice more than the words that matter-at any age! Use a firm tone of voice and explain to her why she shouldn't do what she's doing, she can understand more than you think! Plus it builds her vocabulary when you use more than a one word sentence, bonus!

This may bite us in the butt later but my Mother started telling my son "Ta Ta" everytime he touched or got into something he should'nt. I've been using it ever since. He knows it means no. My husband on the other hand says it is a connotation meaning breast. I know what it means but it works!! I agree you don't want "no" to be their first word.

We felt the same way and were pretty successful at not teaching her the words "no" and "don't" by figuring out other words to use. For instance, when she's grabbing something she shouldn't, say, "hands off!" When she's throwing food, say, "all done!" and take the food away, or say, "back on your plate" and show her where to put it.

I read somewhere -- and it seems to be true -- that discipline is more successful when you can tell the child what they CAN do, rather than telling them what they CAN'T do. If you give them another option (such as telling them to crawl down the stairs rather than just saying, "don't walk down the stairs!" it gives them more control and teaches them what they CAN do.

Then you can save the very harsh, serious "No" or "stop" for times when they are really in danger, and they will get the message quickly.

Keep the "NO" for dangerous things and in the other cases use distraction. Instead of saying "No" just tell her: "Let's go and see what .... is doing." or "Let's go and play with ..." or "Look how blue is the sky". At this age the distraction is your tool. If you want to let her know that this or that is not appropriate just say: "We don't pull the cat tail, we pet the cat gently" and show her how. Be her model and always use the positive part second, because this is what she will hear. Good luck!

Here is my response to another mom...some of it applies to your question. :)

Our oldest daughter also started that behavior at 18 months old. We did discover that it was a phase she was in and it kind of came and went....and continues now that she is 3! It came on suddenly, like overnight at 18 months old! She was also getting her I-teeth at that time which only made things worse.

Some advice is to not back down when you say no. And, try to use the word "no" as little as possible. That doesn't mean you give in or say yes, but give choices as much as possible: "Do you want the pink cup or the yellow cup?" "Do you want to read one book or two books before bed?" "Do you want to put your pants on first or your shirt?" "Do you want me to carry you in the parking lot or hold my hand?" There are also other ways to avoid saying no. If she asks for something, you can say, "What a great idea! You should put that on your b-day list!" or, "Sure we can do that tomorrow or after nap".

I would also recommend reading the book Love and Logic Magic for the Early Years. I read it when our daugther was about 20 months old. I was sure she was too young for some of the ideas, but she was not! It works...like magic! You just have to be very consistent.

Best of luck to you! If you stand your ground, it will slowly get easier.

Children under the age of 3 will not completely grasp the concept of the word NO. So, you can keep saying it to start instilling the idea in the childs brain. But you're best bet is to use danger/learning words, in a different inflection than normal speaking. If your child is about to touch something that is too hot, then teach the word "hot", and make sure you sound a little startled and very careful. Change your tone.
If your child is about to wreck your favorite antique collectable, then you call the child away, and redirect her attention to something that is just as fabulous, but child safe, like a ringy dingy flashy toy.

Hi S.,
We rarely said "NO" to our children, because like you, we didn't want that to be their first word. On occasion, they might catch us off-guard and we'd shout it out (like when they went toward the oven or iron, etc.) but hardly ever. We also didn't want them to think that everything was called "NO". We instead said "hands off!", or "don't touch!" or "the lamp is not a toy, but here's one." And if they were misusing something, we would tell them how or what it's used for..."books are for reading", "we kick/throw balls outside", "the toilet paper needs to stay on the roll", etc.
You may get a lot of responses saying that they can't understand any of that, but they can. Not only do they not have to hear the word "NO!" all the time, but they are also getting information about things and learning so much. They might think that the toilet paper is there solely for their entertainment, so why not just teach them early on? Children understand way more than most people give them credit for-even at your child's age and younger.
I think you'll (and others as well) be pleasantly surprised at what happens when you eliminate that would from your vocabulary, or at least greatly limit the use of it.
good luck! ~Mary~

Always redirect. Instead of saying, "No!" say, "Look with your eyes, keep your hands off." Something like that, depending on the situation. Also, if they are going to touch something that will hurt them, I say, "Hot! keep your hands off that." I have read that kids don't hear the 'don't' part and hear the rest. So, if you say, "Don't touch that." They hear, "Touch that." I don't know if I completely buy it, but it definately helps to say what they should do and not what they should not do. Like, "keep your hands off that." Instead of, "Don't touch that."

I felt that was all I was saying to my older son when he was her age. "No" wasn't his first word, but he would say it after I said it. When you are saying "No", you are preventing them from doing something that they shouldn't be doing like playing in the toilet, climbing on the entertainment center, climbing on the bookshelves, dancing on the kitchen table. Yes, those are things I have had to tell my boys "No" too about a thousand times. They need to learn that they just can't do things that will harm them. You are not punishing your child, you are teaching them what thier boundries are to keep them safe.
And when they do pick up on saying "No", it will be the cutest thing. My older son used to go around the house saying "no, no, no, no, no, no,no". It was adorable. When he was 18 months old, he used to say "No" to my husband. I can't remember what it was that he was doing, but our son felt it was something he shouldn't be doing.

Hi S.,

This is something that I recall from training our puppy. We use "leave it". We have a 7mon 1d DD and as of today seemed to get the message of what "leave it" means. I liked what other poster said about making positive statements. However, I guess in a pinch, I would probably say "no touch" or no followed by something rather than just no.

If she walks around at 2 and says Leave it...so be it. I am choosing to use this because having worked with our dog now for 6 years, Leave it is a reflexive thing for me to say now anyway.

Hi S.,

Unfortunately its your job to teach your daughter boundaries; 1) in order to keep her safe and 2) in order to help her to live appropriately in society. Most times Mommy & Daddy are their first words, but "no" will come. That's ok. These are appropriate stages and you want her to experience these appropriate stages at the appropriate times. Believe me, more worrisome issues will come and this is not anything you should spend time worrying over.

Good luck.

D. P.

Mother of four, ranging in age from 5-20.

Try to use positive phrases instead of NO. Child proof the home so that you do not have to worry about her getting hurt or damaging valuable things. That cuts down on the amount of times you need to say No and lets her explore freely. Then say, We sit in chairs, and Feet on the floor, if she is climbing or standing on tables or chairs. You can also say, That's for Mom, not for baby. Food stays on the plate or in your mouth, is a good one if she throws her food. Or, The plate stays on the table! Outside you can say, We walk on the sidewalk, not the street, and guide her back where you want her to go. Hope this helps.

I used "off-limits" with my son a lot, and it worked great. It's too complicated for them to say, but easy enough for them to understand. Can work for things, places, and even behaviors not allowed. My son now will ask if things are "off limits" (he's 3). Best of luck.

My favorite parenting author/expert is John Rosemond, and he says to totally baby proof the house so that the child can explore without ruining/breaking anything, or getting into things you don't want them in. It is well worth spending a few hours moving all breakables out of reach (or putting away for the next couple of years). Let her have a cupboard in the kitchen to keep treasures in that are safe and kids love (a pot and a wooden spoon, yogurt cups, paper towel rolls...). Install baby gates where you don't want her going (stairs etc). That way you don't have to spend the day saying "no", and her brain grows as she explores freely and has a wonderful time entertaining herself. Forget the "learning" toys; they learn by exploring and getting into things. Good luck!

First I ask myself if what they're doing is really that big of a deal and determine why it is. Usually it isn't as big of a deal as I thought it was and I let them explore as long as I'm there watching.

If I've determined that it's a big deal then I try to phrase things in a positive or informational way while giving a visual cue whenever possible instead of just "no." It worked well with my older daughter (2.5 now) and I'm just starting it with my almost 11 month old daughter.

For example, with hot things, I'm right there if my youngest is near something hot and I tell her that it's hot and would hurt if she touched it. Then I give a visual example by putting my hand close enough to feel the heat radiating off and then pulling it away before touching it. My older daughter mimicked me and only once did she actually try touching something hot (at around 2 years old) and she hasn't done it since. She loves to "help" with the cooking now :) My younger daughter still just watches me do it.

For me, not saying "no" very often has less to do with what I want my girls to say than with the fact that I want them to question most things. I don't want them getting in the habit of just blindly following orders, even from me. My older knows that there are times when I mean business and when she doesn't understand my reasons and I do say "no" if there's danger involved. However, I think that it dilutes the sense of danger if "no" is used for non-dangerous situations as well.

I fully expect their response to a "no" in the future, as they get older and more discerning, to be a "why" which is great, in my opinion!

I also tell them to "hold on tight" or "be careful" instead of "don't fall" because I don't even want to put the idea of falling into their heads. So I'm using the positive form (what TO do as opposed to what NOT to do) whenever possible.

Best wishes!
~B.

ETA - I also used the phrase, "that's not yours! That's mama's/papa's" quite a lot while removing them or the item if they were getting into my things or my husband's things. I want to instill in my children a sense of respect for others and others' belongings. That phrase also worked much better than a "no" since it involved giving a reason and then physically removing them or the item gave concrete reinforcement to the abstract statement.

Use don't or do not do that. it is the tone you that get the massage through. She is less likely to echo don't or do not back at you as easily.

Hi,
we held off on "NO" with our now 23 mo old twins and it has been fine. We saved NO for when there was serious risk of injury ( to themselves or others etc). Options for NO that we used were 1)simple, swift, redirection away from whatever it is they are doing that you don't want them to. We often did this w/o even saying anything. Just remove them or the item and redirect to something else. This limited the attention they got for whatever they were doing and seemed to decrease its frequency 2)Telling them /showing them what they CAN do instead of telling them "don't do" whatever ie:"you can sit down on the sofa" etc etc or "you can touch your brother gently" etc and demonstrating that for them 3)STRONG praise etc for good behavior when/as it occurs. I tried to make sure I randomly noted when they were playing nicely together etc and praised it etc etc. 4)IGNORING. again, if it was something minor or they weren't hurting themselves etc, we would/do just ignore it. They don't seem as interested in doing something if they aren't getting a rise out of us!
Those are just some ideas that work, pretty much, for us.
hope it is helpful!

I think at that age, one of the most effective ways to say "no" to one thing is to say "yes" to something else. It's an old preschool teacher's trick.

She's grabbing something she shouldn't have, hand her something she likes that she can have saying "Look at this great toy!".

She wants to toddle off in an unsafe direction, show her something really interesting in a safe direction and take her hand--telling her "let's go see over here!"

There will always be things you have to say "no" about, but you'd be surprised at the number of ways to creatively say "yes" instead!

As far as her first words? The more you talk to her about literally EVERYTHING in her world--in regular English, not baby talk--the more likely she will not only be talking early and intelligently, but that her likelihood of "no" being the first word will have the odds greatly reduced. My eldest daughter's first words were "bubble" and "WWWHHHHEEEE!" so we made a little song up for her that went "Bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble (in ever increasing squeakier pitch), WWWHHHEEEEEEEEE!!!! (going back down again)". She loved it so much we could get her to stop fussing even on long road trips!

Instead of saying no, redirect her into positive activities. Find something to keep her busy such as art work, or a game while you prepare dinner for example. Paints, legos, stamps, all are great. If you keep kids busy they don't have time to get into mischief, and you won't have to keep syaing no. Also, when you are in the kitchen, find things for them to do to help you. This is great for teaching them to help you with chores as they get older.

Honey, they usually say mama or dada first, those are the words you use repetitively to encourage speech, don't worry generations of mothers have said "no" so many times some times it seemed like the only word they knew!!

I felt the same way you do when my kids were your daughters age. We didn't want the word"NO" to be abused and become our kids first words. Instead, we used the word "STOP" along with using the sign language STOP. We found that our kids responded better to STOP. The only time we ever use "NO" is when they did something extremely bad. When the NO word comes out, they know that the NO word means serious business and consequences. Hope this helps! Have a fun summer with your little one!

One of my favorites is stop. And it is all about the tone. Remember at this age distraction usually very effective; 11 month olds have a short attention span.

I struggled with this one at first as well. There are some good alternatives you can use. When my daughter is going for something that she's not supposed to have, I say, "That's not for River." Or good ones like "Stop", and "Don't touch". I also say things like, "That's not for your mouth." If it's something I don't mind her having, but don't want her eating. She's 16 months, and getting to the stage where she really only responds to "Stop." Because I only use it when I really need her to stop whatever she is doing immediately. Like walking toward the street or a step. The tone is very important when using those words. If you say "No" it will be the favorite word that they will repeat back to you when they are 2. Right now, when she goes somewhere she knows she's not supposed to, or goes for something she's not supposed to have, she goes for it anyways, but looks at me and says, "no no no". Of course, it's hard not to use No, so I have started saying "No, Thank you." And I take away whatever she's not supposed to have, or move her from where she's not supposed to be. It's a lot more tolerable to hear the word "No" from your toddler if there is a "Thank You" after it. You will be surprised how many different things you can say instead of "No". Good luck!

I totally agree with the other mamas ...word it in a positive way. instead of no running say use walking feet.Somebody told me once that for every NO there needs to be a YES... Pretty good advice I think. It doesnt need to be worded like this but here is an example...NO you may not climb on the furnature but Yes you can climb on the play structure.(or lets keep our feet on the floor if you want to climb lets go climb on the structure) The Yes has to match the No I know its not always possible and sometimes the answer is just NO but its worth a try... Also pick your battles is it really important to be saying NO to everything Good Luck

As much as possible reserve "NO" for immediate safety concerns, otherwise try to say things in the positive - if she is climbing on the coffee table say "put your feet on the floor". If she is getting into the cupboards say "where is your cupboard?" or "close the cupboard". Kids don't always hear the "no" or the "not" especially when it gets used all the time. It is best to tell them what you want them to do rather than what you do not want them to do. I thought it was crazy too at first, but I was the lead toddler teacher of 12-24 month olds, and you would be amazed how well speaking like this worked. I currently have a 21 month old that I use this on, and it works really well. I say "no" for things like the hot oven, and running out into the road - things like that. When I say "no" he stops dead in his tracks because he doesn't hear that word very often.

"No" is an excelent first word. One she will be using all her life to help her to keep from being taken advantage of. It is also very easy to say, just like the word daddy is easier to say than mommy. Which is why more children say daddy before they say mommy. If you want your daughter to learn other words first then say them more often to her. And just remember some words are easier to say than others, and don't fixate on the fact that "no" may be her first word, think of all the other words you'll be able to teach her after that.
Good luck to you and God be with you.
Mandy

I think ultimately you have to pick the battles that are the most important. For our son, a little slap on the hand when he was into something dangerous worked well for him to understand that it was not OK. As others have pointed out, just saying "NO" or any word you choose instead doesn't always work by itself. Since they can't remember much from incident to incident, you will be saying "no" an awful lot though, but thankfully they get over that phase and don't just say "no" forever even if they do learn that word early on. Unfortunately this stage is hard, because they want to explore their world, but of course don't know what is safe and unsafe. So again it is picking your battles and realizing that if they do knock over something precious it is not a malicious act, but an accident and that perhaps that item shouldn't be in that place to begin with if it means a lot to you. We used the slapping on the back of the hand for things like when he was playing with the electrical cords and such. It did make an impression and he was less likely to go for those after a few hand slaps. Incidentally, he is 3 now and doesn't have any interest in the outlets. :) And the thing the other person said about distraction is great...when she is doing something offensive offer her a new toy or game to play with and see if it doesn't work itself out.

Good luck!

H. C.

you can opt to tell her what she can do instead of what she can't do.
Like when she is touching something that you don't want her to you can say, "Here play with this" or when she stands on something you say, "put your feet on the floor" it takes practice but I find that I don't have to say no very often if I just re-direct.
There are safety things that need a firm "No" like the light sockets and such.

You can make your house baby proof so there aren't things around that you constantly have to say no about.

When she gets older and can understand why she shouldn't touch something you can replace those things that an 11 mo old would quickly grab and throw.

We put these cool electric socket covers that turns the opening so you don't have to use those funny push in ones that they can pull out so easily. In the kitchen we just put safety locks on the cubbords and the knife drawer.

I said no to all 3 of my kids, there first words were da da and mama. Not one of them used the word no negativly, it was fine.
D.

My dd is 20 months now. We save "no" for imminent danger, and for everything else we either explain, distract or remove. This seems to work well, she caught on pretty quickly.

in general, I'd say no to as few things as possible. And when you do say no to something, say yes to one or more other things. and it's fine if no is her first word, it's an important thing for her to learn, about boundaries (and she may say no a lot as she learns about this!)

AS the mother of a 2, 3 year old and a 9 month old - my first reaction to your question is : "Well, dont talk then" - they are going to pick it up....

we say "No, thank you". we also say Stop, Enough,

I reserve the panicked, tstern "Nnnnoooooo!!!!" for toddlers who think they can fly off the end of the couch and other daredevil acts....

Every child is going to go through a "no" phrase. Unless that is all they hear all the time, it rarely if ever is the first word.

I would use "stop" very sternly for things that she is doing that are dangerous.
Also, if she is doing something that she is not supposed to be doing (i.e., hitting) use the phrase: "It is not OK to hit." on your way to sit her down for a sec. This sets the precursor to time-out so that is not such a difficult transition later. Also, I would have her give hugs for apologies in that instance. She will understand that mommy means it when she says it not OK to do something. You will undoubtedly have to do it several times before she understands what you are doing. The other thing I do with my son is ask him "Do you understand me?" when I give him instruction. He does not say yes or no, but he can nod or shake his head in response. We have also incorporated some baby sign language into our routine, so he can tell me please, thank you, and all done or finished in addition to/accompanied by his verbal language. So he can say juice while signing please, etc. Just a thought. Let me know how it goes.

Good luck.
S.

Just a quick note, S.,
Instead of just saying, "NO," we say things like, "We don't do that," or "That's not safe," or "Come and do this with me...." We do our best to reserve the word, "No" for something really serious that we need a short,firm word for (like running out in the street). Using some form of more positive language is helpful; distraction is a powerful tool, but, no matter what, it's important to keep in mind that kids need boundaries given to them in a loving way. We've got two kids and this has worked well.
Good luck,
L. =0)

My son attended a WONDERFUL daycare that never used the word "no" and I never heard it from him - it was wonderful. Rather,we used the phrase "that is not a choice", then immediately showed him something that was a choice, so it was immediate re-direction. Alternatively, if they are doing something that looks dangerous, ask the child, "are you safe?" and have them start thinking about their own actions and being self regulating. It's a great long term teaching tool.

I hope that helps!