What Would You Do?????

I am in the same boat I have 3 month old and a 2 year old. I took the year off because my baby had difficulties at birth and my husband has pretty much of the same attitude. We will be moving to colorado springs in feb. 2009. I wii go back to work. How about we leave the kids with the husbands for a full day and have a girls day out?

I have soo many times felt this way and still feel this way. But I have always found that if I show him love and appreciation he is more willing to help.

The only thing I found that worked well for me was to have him watch the kiddos for a day and leave him a list of things to do while you run around and do things that you need to get done that would be easier without kids. I did this to my husband, and when I got home he told me that "I can't get anything done with him here." (1 kid) and that is all it took. He still gripes once in a while but has more appreciation for what I do.

Here is what I did. I was so fed up...one day he said those words "it's your job" and I said fair enough. Tomorrow I start work at 8 and I get off at 4. He came home the next day and I changed into my sweats and went upstairs to my room. He came looking for me to know what was for dinner. I said I don't know, I'm off work. I already did my job today. He stood there and went off and sulked. He complained about it so I did a break down of what chores cost and the next day again changed into my sweats at 4 and handed him the list of what I had done that day and what it cost. He fixed dinner.
He asked if I was done with my experiment and I said if you don't start helping around the house when you get off work and just expect me to work 24/7 then this isn't a marriage it's a free maid service and I quit. He laughed so I said I'm not doing anything for the next 2 weeks except the bare necessities for our baby. and I did. I didn't do dishes, or vacuume or sweep or anything. He was ornery for several days and then I think a light bulb went off and he realized "She works, she doesn't just play all day, she actually works" and we sat down and had a family meeting and discussed what was fair as far as the chores went for what would work for both of us. We re-evaluate those chores periodically but I am really glad I went on strike. It was 4 years ago and we don't have that argument anymore, in fact when people ask my dh what he does for a living he jokes that he has to work so he can afford the services I provide for the home and the only reason it works out is because I give him a marital discount. He got the message.

I would leave him alone with the kids for an entire day (or weekend) and tell him that you expect the house to be clean, laundry washed, folded and put away, kids bathed, and dinner ready when you get back. I've actually done exactly that and now there's absolutely no question about who "works harder" in our household.

Hi A. - I have a pretty simple suggestion. What I do with my husband is I phrase requests for help with two options. Would you like to do the dishes or give Anya (our child) a bath? This seems to work pretty good. I think the idea of leaving him alone with the kids is good. If anything else, it will give you a needed break. I started realizing that my husband let me do everything with our child when he came home from work. To have him help out more, I created evening commitments - going to a class at the gym, book club meeting, etc, which leaves my husband alone taking care of our child. It gives him more confidence and I do not feel like I am doing eveything. Good luck!

D.

I only have two kids, but am basically in the same boat. I don't know how to read the other responses unless I post one (and I really want to read them!), so I'm just posting sympathy and best wishes. :) Unfortunately I don't have any helpful suggestions (except, perhaps, to use the crock pot more because it makes after dinner clean-up easier), but I sure do wish you the best of luck. :)
Oh, and one more thing--I used to have a pretty clean house, but I just lower my standards a bit with each pregnancy and each child. It isn't the best approach in the world (last-minute company is not so fun), but I get more sleep and play with my kids more. Tradeoffs....

My best advice to you? Leave him home alone with the kids for a night or two. Or, get a part time job at night, so that he cannot say it is "your job" to watch the kids. I have been a stay at home mom, and a working mom and I will tell you staying at home was the hardest job I have ever done. One because it is not appreciated nearly as much and two you don't get paid, so it's hard for a husband to classify it as a "job". If you give your husband even one night (take a night out with the girls, go to dinner and a movie or something) to do what you do~ ie make dinner, clean up, bathtime, bedtime~ he will appreciate you a whole lot more. But here's the catch~ you can't baby him through the process. Don't leave everything out so it's easy for him. Let him struggle. So what if the kids don't go to bed on time, or if their clothes don't match. They'll get over it. It's only one night. My husband is very hands on, and even though he doesn't always do things the way I would or how I'd like him to, he is capable of doing it. Remember it was not easy for you when you first became a mom, but you figured it out. He will do the same. Good luck!

Tell him to talk to my husband. He was the stay at home Dad for 3 years, now I stay at home, and it is very easy to help him understand why I don't want him playing video games when he comes home from work. I just have to remind him of when he did it. If there is a way to put him in your shoes for a day. I would. Even if it isn't done the way you do it. Have him watch the kids all day on a Saturday for example. Don't worry they will survive ( I imagine he loves them enough for that) and he will learn a lesson.

Why not do a girls weekend away and leave him in charge. Find a craft or outlet that you need to be away at least one night a week. Parenting is not just a mother job. I assume he was their at conception of these children. He needs to learn that parenting isn't just onesided. He help create these wonderful little ones... He needs to be part of their life as well.

A weekend without you will teach him that parenting is not as easy as he thinks. Haveing children has been the hardest job I ever had! He needs to be part of the life he helped create.

C. B

Have a meeting with your husband and write down a list of the jobs that need to be done to keep the family going. Include his job and any jobs he may do around the house like get the cars fixed, handyman work, and any other "man" jobs. Also ask him what he thinks his responsibilities as a father are. Chances are he hasn't really thought about how he is interacting with the kids. Also tell him what you think your responsibilities as a mother are. Be nice and non-confrontational about the whole thing. It will probably be eye opening for the both of you. There may be things that he does that you are not aware of or not taking into account. I am sure there are many things you do that he is either not aware of and that he doesn't realize the sheer magnitude of your work load. It may give you a starting point on working together for your family. I would recommend writing it down and posting it on the fridge or some other visible place to act as a reminder.

Another thing is to ask him how long he need to unwind after work. He is probably unwinding for 4 or more hours. I really doubt he will state that he needs at least 4 hours to unwind. Add it to the list and call him on it (not in a nagging way) when his unwinding time is up. If it has been a particularly bad day for him at work you could grant him an extra half hour, but still not the whole night. If nothing else he needs to get some hobbies instead of melt his brain.

Hi A.,
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. My friend had the same problem until she went to visit her Dad and Sister for six days and her husband had to be the primary caregiver. When she came home, he was so exhausted that he suggested that she find a reliable, trustworthy babysitter for a few haours a couple times a week and he also started taking the kids somewhere for a few hours each weekend. Do you have friends or family that you can go out of state to visit for a week or so? I'm sure he would change his tune if he had to take over the household on his own for a while!

Oh my gosh I really HATE that attitude that some people have that a stay at home mom's job is to clean her house! That is also why I hate the term "housewife" which implys that the house should be a wife's major responcibility. I have been a stay at home mom/student until this summer when I started a part-time job as a massage therapist and I am still the one who does 99.9% of all household responcibilities. My husband was really great about helping out for about 2 weeks and then he just went back to his old ways, which are just about exactly what you described your husband doing. What really irks me is that my jobs both in the home (cleaning, walking the dog, taking my kids to the park etc.) and at work (Massage)are mainly physical labor and I am totally exhausted by the end of the day, my husband on the other hand sits in an office for at least 90% of the day and yet "has no energy" to clean up anything when he gets home. I say the best remedy for our similar situations is to leave the husbands with the chilren for a weekend and make them do it all to see what it is like for us! Then come home and say "Why is the house so messy? What is for dinner? Did you iron my blue shirt yet?" If only I had the money to go away for a weekend!

Well asley, i say its time for a girls weekend, or at least a night out. Guess who gets to be the babysitter. The best way to teach him and make him understand how important you are, and what you do, is to make him do it for a day or two. Most dads cant help it, they dont see what it takes to run a household, thats why we have to have patients with them and help them learn just what we do, and what would happen if we stoped doing it. now, only do this if you truly trust that your husband can do this and your children will be safe. Good luck

What everyone else said is a great idea! Go out for a day or even half of a day and let him experience the joys of staying home :) However, if that doesn't work then maybe talk to him in business terms. You chose to stay home instead of work to take care of the kids. So, from 8am - 5pm (or whenever you would have been at work) you are now staying home with the kids. Then from 5pm - 8am and weekends it is business as usual... which yes, you still are a mom and a wife but he too is a dad and a husband and he can't just give up his responsibilities just because you no longer bring in a paycheck. That's the unspoken deal you make when you stay home.

Also, my husband has said that he doesn't understand why a guy feels as though he can come home and sit around and let his wife do everything when he is very capable of doing things too. He figures that since he does not work in the coal mines and have a job where he actually needs to lay around all day just to recover from his job so that he can go back and do it the next day (that is one of the reasons for why men used to have to rest after work) that there is no reason for him to not do work at home. Sorry to go on, it's a pet peeve of mine because I don't feel as though we SAHM's have it easy (I do feel blessed to be a SAHM but it doesn't mean it isn't hard), our job is never ending and we need breaks and help too! I wish you the best and just know that from one SAHM to another I know how hard you work and I appreciate that!

Oh, and when the kids are napping (if you can get them to nap at the same time, hard, I know ) it's your lunch break :)

Read Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Doctor Laura. It is great. You do have to get down from your pride to start reading it though. I know I did. You would be surprised of the results I was!!!!

I agree with the other women who responded with, "leave for a day or two and leave him in charge!" Not easy I know, as well as not putting out clothes and a list of food for you children to eat. But it sure will give him a sample of what you do day in and day out.

I happen to work full time outside the house, (always thought I'd want to be a SAHM, but working I believe is actually easier) but when I come home it's non stop until 9-10 pm. What has worked for me is I always ask my husband, "Do you want to do dishes or PJ's & books?" Or "Do you want to take the trash out or bath?" This way he gets a choice and I get help.

Good luck! Hope you know you are that by no means are in this "boat by yourself", we are rowing with you.

If he is off work on a Saturday or Sunday, then schedule a Mommy Day and you be gone for at least 12 hours and leave him in their care the whole time. About the only way to let him see how much work they are. Telling them does not seem to work so you have to show him. Leave him a long note on doing laundry, the dishes, cooking three meals and cleaning up after the kids all day while you are gone.

Take a Mommy Day off and refresh yourself going to movie or to a friends house or a spa for the day.

OHHHHHHHHH BOY!!! You hit such a chord with all of us! I have such a hard time with this. Can you see how COMMON these feelings are for us moms??! It is so hard to feel like all my hard work is validated & appreciated by my husband. He cannot tell how much exhausting labor I have done all day by looking at the house. It's unbelievable how many things I pack into my day. This topic is my button.
I have one aunt I really look up to whose four kids are all raised. Once she told me the one thing she would do differently if she could go back to when her kids were little was to hire someone to help her do housework. If your husband isn't willing to do his share, he can pay someone else to do it! Sometimes it's worth penny pinching somewhere else in order to buy yourself some sanity and some time to do what you want whether it's spending it with your kids or someone else or by yourself.
Even though I can afford to I haven't yet. But I'm going to!!! Reading these responses has inspired me to! I need to get over thinking I "should" be able to do everything myself. I can, but I'm left feeling exhausted, grouchy, and resentful. I want to enjoy my kids and my life more. And my husband.

have him do your job for a day

I totally understand what you are saying as well as many others out there. my husband and I had our first child out of complete suprise, we weren't even married yet, but since then we are married and going to have another one but I wasn't quite ready for what had just happened at the time so one child, cleaning house, doing laundry, and having dinner ready was a task for me, my husband was the same way as yours and it drove me nutty, I would always tell him "just because I don't bring a paycheck home proving what I do, doesn't mean I'm not busy ALL day" O yea and i was going to school. Another point my mom-in-law would make to him which helped alot as well was I am worth 65,000 taking care of our child because that is what child care takers make a year, but what really helped was I would make it a point to HAVE to be somewhere after he got off work, now I didn't do it alot or very often but after the third time in 2-3 months I came home and he spilled it all, "I'm so sorry I even coment on the dishes not being done when I get home from work, I've only been here for 5 hours and I understand that it is work taking care of everything". after that I swear he doesn't say much of the house work not being done all the time. What I was doing was hosting a Home and Garden party, "trying to make an extra dollar for us" well needless to say it was a nice break from the house and I got to go with a friend or two and talk about some of the products with some of their friends and then go home it was nice just being with adult women for a couple hours a night once a month or so. It worked so well for me that I'm a SAHM and I go to school fulltime and I don't have to host parties anymore. So maybe try it and see how it works for you, there is alot of different parties out there from tupperware to home decor and many more. and it gives him a chance to see what you do EVERYDAY 7 days a week 24 HOURS A DAY---with no sick days!!!! good luck!

alright A..
not that this is the perfect way or only way to do it, but if you really want your hubby to understand EXACTLY what being a sahm means, keep a list. then charge him for all services...remind him that you are a person with outside interest and keeping up time for yourself(by this i mean JUST YOU, no kids)is difficult to do on a regular basis because all of your time is devoted to your home and kids. remind him that you are, in short, a chaffeaur, a chaperone, a seamstress, a cook, a maid, an accountant, a wife, a mother, a friend, the disciplinarian, the judge and the jury, and whatever else it is that we mothers do! And, not from any experince other that my maternity leave am i saying this, but it is EXHAUSTING caring for children all day and doing house hold chores. tell him that when you married him you dreamed of making a home WITH him, not FOR him, and that you would aprreciate some help. allow him to relax for a bit right as he gets home as he does work, but that just helping you clean up the dinner dishes and getting the kids settled into bed at night would help. and it would allow you to relax together as doing this together would save some time. good luck!

THANK YOU KRISTIN!!!
I just finished having the same type of conversation with my husband this morning. I have been trying to find a time when I can go visit my sister in another state for a week--ALONE. I desperately need the break and it may open his eyes.

As a fellow SAHM I understand how exhausting it can be. I have had talks with my husband about how we used to spend time together in the evenings before we had our little girl. I stressed to him if he could help a little bit more we could have some great time together when our daughter went to bed for the night. He listened and it helped for a few days. Now, I still give him a few minutes to unwind when he comes home, but now after 15 mins I give him a choice. Would you rather play with the kids or man the grill, give baths or wash dishes, do bills or laundy. When he has a choice, He responds really well and I get the help I need. I think I picked this tip up from a parenting book but it really does work for us. Good luck finding what works for you.

A.,
I was reading this and thought, wow, this looks familiar. I was working 40 plus hours/week as well as going to school 16-18 hours/week when I was a single mom before I met my husband. Now I'm a SAHM to our 3 wonderful children (ages 5, 2, and 1) and let me tell you, it's SO much more work now than it was then. I wouldn't trade it for the world, but sometimes you just need a break. We don't get lunch breaks (I know I don't usually have time to sit down then) or get to hang our coats up and call it a day. My husband is a neat-freak and used to get so upset when he'd come home and everything wasn't spotless. I hate that whole "I worked all day long." Sometimes, I think they think we sit around and watch Oprah all day or something. I liked the advice about the "mom strike". That might help him see how much you do. Good luck.

A.,
I would recommend you find some kind of "workshop" or planned all day outing for 2 days in a row or so and have your husband watch the kids. Maybe he will realize how exhausting it is and be more appreciative. Or perhaps you can talk to him about how exhausted and unhappy you are and when he acts like he doesn't care, challenge him to walk in your shoes for a few days in a row. With 3 kids under 3 I would think it's a major task just getting yourself showered every day! Hang in there.

I had to come to the realization that IT IS MY JOB to take care of all that stuff. Ugh! So sorry to point that out, because I find all that cleaning detestable.

On the bright side, once you accept that it's your job, a lot of the tension eventually leaves, and you can just do it without it wrecking your mood.

Also, lower your standards on how much you will accomplish, especially with such tiny children. It truly does get a lot better in a few years when they're older. My kids (ages 7-12) vacuum, sort the laundry, put away laundry, set & clear the table, feed the pets, sweep, Windex, and clean up under the fruit trees. The oldest one bakes, without my help! She made peach cobbler five times last week! It's so nice to have that help now!

These has been the #1 irritating issue that goes with having children. There isn't any other issue that even remotely comes close.

Blessings, C.

I would tell him you need a day off from your "job" and take off fot 3 days, and let him figure out why you are so tired and want help in the evenings! :) Or tell him you want sick leave, PTO and specific scheduled hours for your "job". He needs to know that while taking care of the kids is your "job" it's not a reason for him to skate out of his parental duties nor should he think that you should just work 24/7. He gets days off doesn't he? When is your time to "relax"?

Along with leaving him alone with all the kids, which I fully support, get rid of the television! He obviously has an addiction to it if he is unable to pull himself away from it in order to give his family the attention that they need. We have done this in our home and it is so much better now. Not only is Daddy not distracted any more, our two older kids aren't either. We interact and understand each other a lot more now than we did when we were first married. It was hard at first, we felt like we had cut off a limb, but we wouldn't change it for the world now. Instead, he should find a hobby that he can work on at home and, of course, help out around the house. You could also tell him you want paid time off as well as weekends. Then don't lift a finger on those days. When he is at home just tell him this one needs a diaper change or he better go get the kids something to eat because it's your day off.

Also, try showing him more appreciation for what he does for your family. When he comes home be happy to see him and tell him how much you love him. Ask him about his day and try to keep his attention in a conversation with you. Tell him about the good experiences you had with the kids and stay away from anything negative. My husband and I went through a similar situation several years ago where I felt undervalued and he was tired of all the negative feed I gave him when he walked in the door. He would disappear almost as soon as he got home because he didn't want to hear what I had to say because it was all negative.

Now, we talk about the positive and he is happy to be around me and help out with the work that the FAMILY still has to do when he gets home.

Good luck and remember that quiet, positive communication is the key to solving this.

Find a reason you have to leave for one night/week or every other week. For me it was Bible study, my husband realized after that how much work it is. I get more help now then ever. You need time away, too it will make you a better Mom & wife... at least it did me! You need to give yourself a break, men have no idea what it's like to stay at home, I would say it's equal to 2 or 3 full time jobs!
Think about looking into: http://www.loveandrespect.com/ the teaching is breaking down the barrers of the walls for communication between men & women. And of course pray about it ask God to give you help, and give revelations to your husband what it is like for you.

I only read a couple of responses, and I'm sure they are all good...and I do plan to read them all because I feel the exact same way some times (Like yesterday...hope you don't mind if I vent :) I literally spent the whole day cleaning the whole house while my husband cleaned one room and the bathrooms and played his guitar and watch a movie. The only "breaks" I took were to feed my 4 month old. I was so mad!) So, I guess I'm saying that I hear ya!!!

My sister gave me a book called "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlesinger (sp?). She swears by this book. She gave it to me when I got married, almost 2 years ago, and I read it off and on. Even though I'm not always very good at putting it into practice, when I do try the things out that she suggests in it, It really seems to make a difference! - and I notice right away that I don't have days like I did yesterday, and my husband seems more eager to help or do nice things for me. The main point of it is that the wifes (us) have ALL the power in the relationship! And when we can (not be mad and) give our husbands the few things that they need, then they WILL bend over backwards to give us what we need. Like I said, my sister swears by this book, and she really does have an awesome marriage!!! I guess I just get to proud sometimes to really be dedicated. But I do recommend it! (If you get the time to read) :D

I wish you the best of luck!!!

I hear you! SAHM of 4 little daughters. I stopped doing my husbands laundry! That was the one thing he couldn't not do. He throws it everywhere and I just relocate it into the laundry room and let it pile up for him. When his clean clothes end up on the floor and then back into the launry his complaints fall on deaf ears. I don't know why he loves the TV so much but it cuts into our sex life to. Every now and then I break down and tell him he is falling short, mostly with the kids, and he improves for a couple days and then slides back into his veg out routine. If I wasn't around to clean and cook he would just live in a messy house and eat out, so he sees what I do all day is more for my benifit and if I stress about it it's my problem. A lot of times he tells the kids to go away, I tell him everytime how lame he is. He wouldn't allow them to whatch a scarey movie yet a violent video game is okay cause he is so into it he can't make the connection. All the books say to uplift our children and husbands with exagerated praise for every good behavior and the behavior will multiply! And starve the negative with no attentiion, I'm sure it works for some things, but some things also need to be said. Like come on big boy, your a grown up now, you made some babies, they need your love!

Go away for a weekend... or even all day Saturday. Just tell him "if its my job, I deserve a day off." Take the day and go do something fun - hang out with some girlfriends, go visit mom, something. Let him deal all day with the kids, the laundry, the dishes, the meals, the crying, the bathtime, etc. If he sees how much there is that you have to do, it may give him a clue of why you need his 'help'.
He's a parent too. His part in their lives did not end upon conception. Tell him that his kids need dad around (mentally too) and VERY involved in homework, chores, playing, and discipline. Studies have consistantly shown that kids with involved dads do so much better in all aspects!!

Of course it's easy for someone else to tell you what to do. I am a mother of 4 (2,8,11,13). I to somewhat of a stay at home mom. I have my own business which revolves entirely around my children. I also teach swim lesson at a local fitness center. (Of course I never have time to workout their). From you letter I sense you have a need to feel validated for what you do. Changing diapers is not a validation to a mother. (Even though the little guys certainly appreciate not having poopy in the pants). Anyway I think you need to start taking the time for you. Whether it be a night out with the girls, a night out with your husband or even just a job that validates who you are. As for getting your husband to step in, well if your out doing something for a FULL Saturday-he'll have to step in and see just how easy he thinks it is. Keep in mind you'll have to be gone from sun up to sun down. You husband will have to take care of all three meals, naps, entertainment, oh yeah and be sure to ask him to throw in a couple loads of laudnry-lol. Your kids might end up with chocolate cake for breakfast-but it won't be the end of the world. Then sit down and discuss how his day went. It just might open his eyes to all you do and appreciate you just a little more.
Dawn-Marie
____@____.com

This was my problem too. I told my husband that since my job paid so poorly, I was going to be a slacker. His clothes didn't get done for awhile or picked up from the floor and other imaginative ways to get through to him. He started helping very shortly afterwards. And definitely take that weekend away by yourself!

I totally agree with the moms who have suggested that you arrange to talk a day or two off and let your hubby stay at home with his brood. I imagine this will help change his tune. If you can't do this for some reason, you could try to keep a diary of your activities for 24 hours and then sit down to talk to your husband about how much work you are already doing and how much you need his support and help when he comes home from work. I don't see a problem with him taking a bit of time to relax and unwind at the end of the day, as long as he gives you a chance to do the same. Having a family, especially with 3 kids under 3 is work 24 hours per day, and while I'm sure you appreciate that he works hard outside the home so that you can stay at home with your kids, that frankly is not enough. It is not fair for him to work an 8 hour (or whatever he works) day and expect you to work around the clock. Raising three kids under three is about the hardest work I can imagine and I hope you can get your husband to give you some help!
Good luck, and let us know what happens!

If possible, go away for a long weekend and leave him with the kids (if that is possible). It doesn't have to cost you money, even if you just go across town to stay at a friends house. This might be a good eye opening for him without you nagging. Best of luck.

I have had this issue with my hubby before and what worked for me, was to take a day or two off and let him be in charge of things. My husband has been much more helpful since that. ;) Hopefully something like this will work for you! Hugs!

I agree! Leave him for one whole day and don't come back until dinner time, but expect him to also put dinner on the table...then he can talk about how easy your "job" is and who works "harder", if that is how he wants to put it. The thing that they don't get is that they get a break - they get to LEAVE their jobs, we don't ever get to leave ours! I worked full time until I lost my job last year; now I work harder than I ever did before and I used to do 60+ hour weeks before I had my daughter. I NEVER would have thought staying home was easy by any stretch of the imagination, but I didn't think that it would be this hard, either! I almost want to go back to work just to get a break, lol! Good luck on turning his viewpoint around. Let us know what you end up doing and if it worked!

I don't know if this would even be an option with your husband working. But try to take a day (maybe even a Saturday) where you go do something. Hang out with friends, pamper yourself, have some "A. Time" (that's what my husband and I call it). Leave your husband all day with the kids so that he can see what you go through EVERYDAY! Maybe even make him a list of everything that needs done, like laundry, bath time, feeding schedule, etc. She what he thinks after spending a day in your shoes.
My husband was forced to do this once when I was sick in bed with a fever for 2 days, and he has a much better perspective/appreciation of what I do.

I'm probably going to be the most unpopular person for my response; however, I felt that I needed to share this. I work in a male dominated industry consistenly of many men with stay at home wives. I've often been involved in conversations where I've had to defend stay at home wives, and, since my husband and I had our first child, my husband has found himself defending stay at home wives too even though I still work fulltime. I'd like to share their views so that maybe it would be more clear as to what they are thinking in the hopes to foster some understanding. My husband and I do not agree with them; however, I just thought it would be worth sharing since it's not often that men open up to reveal what they really think.

1. Having only one income
This seems to be the number one issue that was consistently shared. They worry that they will loose their jobs and have a hard time finding another one. They fear that they will not be able to provide for their family, possibly causing bankruptcy and even homelessness to affect their families. They definitely foster resentment towards their wives and feel that their wives are being selfish for wanting to stay home instead of guaranteeing a backup income. In addition to resentment, they expressed that they felt a great deal of stress day to day, and, the more debt that they had, the greater the stress that they felt. Also, the greater the stress the greater the resentment towards their wives.

2. Didn't see what their wife did all day
As soon as they finished griping about one income, the very next thing out of their mouths was the infamous and very ignorant "I don't see what she's done all day. I've been here busting my butt for hours trying to make sure that I have a job, and I get home to see the dishes still dirty, laundry still piled up, toys all over the place, and the dinner not ready." They truly didn't understand that if their wife is out with the kids at the park or the library, then she's not home to do these things. Also, it's difficult to do these things when you have small children because they command all of your attention leaving only naptime to get something done. After you finish chasing them all day, you simply don't have energy to do anything else. Also, many of them don't fully realize that it's not the same dishes or clothes but a new set because they're not there to see what truly goes on.

I don't have to tell you how annoyed I've been with these comments through the years, and, recently, my girlfriend expressed the same issue when she chose to be a stay at home mom. She recently went back to work part time which has alleviated some of the strain regarding having one income, and her husband has stepped up more since now he's not the only one who is working.

I had a co-worker whose wife decided to be a stay at home mom who expressed the very same opinions; however, after she had to leave the kids with him for a week (2 boys under 3) to help with her ill father, he quickly realized that her job was actually harder than his. He quickly gained respect for her being a stay at home mom, and I never heard him complain again. He actually started giving her a day without the kids so that she could pamper herself.

Good luck, A.. I hope that some of the advice that has been given to you helps.

HI A.,
I agree with the mom that suggested taking a day off and leaving your husband in charge and make him do all you do and see what he thinks after that. But one thing I did with my husband is I found out what chores he does like to do or wouldn't mind doing and believe it or not he'll clean the bathroom and unload the dishwasher and take out trashes. Its not much but it helps alot. Maybe try just sitting down with your husband and calmly talking to him and see if there is anything he might just do. Good luck.

C.

I know your situation all too well and my advice is a little different... I feel you should try to change YOU first. I know it is not "fair" and you are probably tired of shouldering all, but I truly believe in switching attitudes first. And you need to realize that you are the "smarter" one. I would be careful about going out with girlfriends or taking a whole Saturday to yourself-- unless it is absolutely neccessary. Try to dwell on the positives about your situation and your husband. 3 kids under 3 and a household is a LOT for a guy. Take it easy on him and try to love him exactly how he is first. I would even try to watch TV with him and try to enjoy something together. And I know this means you will be cleaning and watching the kids all at the same time. If anything, ask for a nanny or a babysitter or a cleaning service, but don't take your negativity to him. (And whatever you do, do not be petty as others have suggested.) Live in your world, everyone's family is different, and appreciate and love him.

Plan a Saturday out by yourself and give him the same expectations he gives you when you arrive home at 5 or 6, just so he sees how hard it really is.

My husband was the same way, and then I went out on a Saturday without the kids. (went shopping with a friend) Gave him a list of chores that had to be done during the day and of course the kids. I didn't call to check on him, and enjoyed myself. I didn't come home until 10:00 that night. So he had to not only take care of the kids and get all the chores done, he had to put the kids to bed. When I came home he said, "I don't know how you get it all done". He sometimes slips up and expects me to do it all, and so I plan a little Rest and Relaxation (shopping) with my friend while he has the kids. Guys just have to be reminded, and when they do do something, even if it is get another kleenex box out :) you have to say thank you I appreciate your help....they'll start slowly doing more.

I'll suggest my two favs, John Gray and Regina Thomashauer. One for understanding yourself and your hubby better the other to learn how to put more fun into your life!

Well for one if it is your "job" then shouldn't you be getting paid?? And isn't he half the reason you have 3 kids?? If he didn't want to help raise 3 kids he should have thought of that before you guys decided to have kids. Im sure he works all day and is tired when he gets home, but he needs to realize that you are working 3 times as hard. I have a 3 month old boy that I stay at home with all day. Luckily when my boyfriend gets home he is willing to take him for a bit to give me a break. I think part of it was that I got to the point where I stopped doing as much as I used to, if I didn't make dinner, he has to find something to eat, if I don't always clean up he has to pick up a little. Eventually it became more habit for him and he realized how tired I was at doing so much and wanted to help out. You may just have to show some tough love to get him to snap out of his "routine" to get him to help you in your "routine" You both work hard and are both tired so by the end of the day is when you need to stick together and help eachother out as much as possible. I know it may be hard to stand up to him, but the sooner he realizes how much you need his help, the sooner you will get it.

Hi A. - you've received a bajillion responses - but I've been through this too - I have a 6yo and an enormously curious and active 2 yr old so I understand how draining it can be. I left a professional position to be a mom and I had a hard time adjusting because instead of a "contributor" and "bread winner", I was the cook and the cleaning lady.

I am so happy to hear that you took some time for yourself - that really is the way to help yourself and to help our husbands understand how difficult our days are. My husband races bicycles for a hobby and can spend 20 hours a week riding. When I told him I needed some time for myself, he asked me what I wanted and I told him "I want as much free time as you have". He tried to justify that I had all day as free-time. Ha! I started setting some boundaries and began scheduling things for just me. If they conflicted with a race or whatever, I started holding firm (in a nice way) that this was MY time. I also informed my husband that there were going to be days here and there that he might come home to hear me say - "it's been a tough day - I'll be back in a little while to help with bedtime." There wasnt any negotiation on those days. He started to realize that I did work all day and most importantly, I was in a much better place when I came back.

This race season has been so much better than past summers. I'm not jealous of his bike and I feel like I'm more respected for the work I do.

The other life-saver: I hired a maid service. They come in once a month and for at least a little while I have a completely clean house. It's the best $100 I have ever spent.

A.--Hang in there. My advice...be willing to let a little go right now. If the house isn't spot perfect, oh well. You have 3 little ones and that is just how it gets. When he comes home..finish getting dinner ready, served, ask for help to clean up(I know my husband is well meaning but tired from carrying alot of responsibiblity during the day...mine needs me to ask and he doesn't mind...he just doesn't think of it all of the time) A honey do board has also worked well for us...keep the top three things, no more, on a wipe board. Once the things that you need done are on the board, you know you have asked and you don't have to nag...give it time:)...so then, I suggest that you give yourself some down time in the evenings too:) You deserve it and you worked hard during the day for it. Ask specifically at the kids' bedtime for your hubby to help you out and then the two of you can relax together. I would also recommend a MOPS group:) They are amazing for relaxing for a few hours with girlfriends while the kiddos are in childcare! Does wonders on refreshment for the week:) Hang in there! Many Blessings, J.;)

Sounds very familiar and I only have one 16 month old. (And a 5 month old lab which is like having twins) I do not think that the "working" parent often times gets just how much "work" staying home is. I think (and just did this myself) the best thing is to sit down when the kids are in bed and tell him how you feel. There was a study done of what a salary should be for a stay at home Mom based on hrs we work and it was more money then a doctor or lawyer make. Your job is never done and that is where being a team needs to come in. Maybe try leaving early on a Saturday and returning late. Tell him you are taking a "me" day. Let him do the all the meals, snacks, naps, cleaning, etc. I guarantee when you come home he will be wiped and have a greater appreciation for you. Good Luck and know you are not alone in this! It is a very common problem stay at home moms have!

Try Love and Logic for Marriage and Five Love Languages (you can get the one for children as it is easier to read and you can understand the concept for all your family), WIth the Love Languages you find out what Language your hubby communicates love in. Like gifts, time, touching, service, etc. This changed my thinking and approach a lot. The more sancutioned "me" time he gets, the better he feels and less he needs. Also, we have been redaing books together. We buy one copy and trade them off. Things like the Last Lecture, Habits for Highly Effective People, and The Power of Now help us to have fun things to talk about. He is also reading about Emotional Intelligence which I already know about. This has helped him understand me a lot. He is like: "go get out with your girlfriends...I know you need to chat and be free of home and children...go!" We have talked a lot that the problem with being at home is the lack of intelligence. He gets it at work and doesn't want to think at home. I am like: good you are home, let;''s talk and stimulate my brain. It just doesn't gel. So once you can talk qa bit about this need for you. See if there is a way he can find time to turn "on." for you. Like getting a sitter and going to dinner. Or get a sitter for two children and take only one child out. This is great for everyone to have just the one child out of the house. I watched Jon and Katie plus 8 on TV. They take one of their eight children out once a month on an outing. They not only learn bout that chil but about each other. I love that idea. Babbling now. But hang in there, do your own thing, start reading and laying the books around, and schedule outings with your girl friends. He will see how wonderful your mood is when you are stimulated and want to get in on the party. And, last note, I think it was just before my youngest was two and potty training that we were sort of over the baby stress. So your time will come.

This may sound really weird, but get rid of the television service. I know in today's world that is just taboo. But my husband and I have lived just fine without cable or dish network tv (we don't even turn on analog tv channels) for the past 6 1/2 years of our marriage. Not having the cable or dish will save you money, one less bill to pay. And he can't get sucked into it if there is nothing to watch. And as for the house & kids being "your job" that's bologne. If that were the case then how come at the end of the day he gets to come home and while he is at work he gets to take breaks whereas your 'job' lasts 24/7 with no breaks at all? You could try saying you know what? on your day off I am going out. I will be gone ALL day. It will be your responsibility to take care of the kids AND the house while I am away. One of two things will happen: #1 He will realize how much you actually do and realize that there is no way you can do it on your own. #2 You will come home and find that he just survived, but the house is in a worse state than before. It's hard to say which way he will take it. I personally don't get any help around the house from my husband because he is never here. He works two jobs, he wakes up to leave for work before the rest of us do and doesn't get home until after the kids are in bed. And sometimes I am in bed before he gets home too. It really is not fun. But it's not like he is here and just doesn't do anything. He really is not here to help.

i would let him see what its like to do it all by himself. its not as easy as they think i know i was in that spot once too and now that he got to know that its not easy he does so much around the house to help out i now feel like i am the one that is doing all the "relaxing"

It looks like you have had some great responses. I think we have all experienced this. I know in my case I am so quick to be mad and defensive that my husband doesn't think I work hard and he does, when really we both work very hard at what we do, him at work and me at home. I do have to think back to when I worked outside of the home and went to school that I got tired out and sick of working/studying sometimes as well. Then, in my case, I have found that my husband also feels unappreciated when I am have repeatedly told him how much I need a break and he has it so easy... So I have found that I need to make sure I let him know how much I appreciate his work and providing for our family, and I understand and love how much he works for us. So we don't fall into that arugment of you this and you that and me this and me that.
However, I do think a taste of what you do is necessary, just to help him realize. Because I don't think you can really understand unless you have experienced the situation, at least a little. So give him a full day(s) with the kids, maybe some errands to be ran with the kids too. Just to give it a taste, until you can see he understands a little. I have often said to my husband, now imagine that 7 days a week, it isn't any easier for me than it is for you. Even tell him you really need to do this and have him see what you life is like,so you can come to an understanding with each other and work some things out. Whatever it takes understand what you do.
Then after you both understand each other, since I am assuming you have worked outside the home and now he has worked alone with the kids/maybe some house chores as well.
Sit down and talk. Understand that he works hard, and you EQUALLY as hard to make your family work and run smoothly. Now when he gets home from work you understand that he is tired, and has every right to feel like relaxing, as do you, however, there is still work to be done. So if he can come home from work you guys can have dinner (either he helps with the kids while you finish preparation of it or he helps with dinner/kids) you have dinner,clean up together,(doing it together takes half the time) have some play time with kids in there, get the kids ready for bed together. (all the while realizing each of you is very tired and would really like to relax) but then it is kids bedtime. (which here it is really important to have a bedtime set for kids at a reasonable time, our kids are 8-8:30) So you get the kids in bed... and AT LAST! it is break time/ relax time for both of you the rest of the night.
I guess both husband and wife need to realize that they both work really and EQUALLY hard to make the family work and each just has to buck up until the kids are in bed. And that can happen much more smoothly if both help out.
Also, ask him or discuss that you want a truly happy marriage. (At least for myself i know when I feel taken for granted and overwhelmed with no help I am not happy.) And if he wants you to be happy and a happy marriage he really needs to try this out with you and work something out that works for both of you that will help you both to be happy. I am sure you will see that he really does want to make you happy and when the situation is approached to figure out a fair solution with everyone understanding each other, it will be more than an argument of who works harder.
I hope this helps, it is sort of late and I might have jumped around too much. Good luck!

This is probably the most common problem in the history of marriages! I say leave for a full Saturday and do something for yourself, I MEAN THE ENTIRE DAY. Let him know he is to be dad duty all day long. Don't give him a lot of instruction but leave him alone with the three kids for a full day. Men need visuals to get it in their brains. Seeing how hard it is to manage three children, ESPECIALLY under three will be something he will get if he has to do it.
Leave him a small list of things that need done around the house, plan a day out with your friends and pamper yourself.
If that doesn't work, then stop cleaning or worrying so much how the house looks. Sounds terrible as I myself am a neat freak and don't like things not done, but it isn't YOUR JOB anymore then it is HIS JOB to go out to work each day. Being a family is 24 job and never stops just because he comes home and parks the car! Sorry, it won't ever work that way and the resentment that will build between you all is horrible for kids to have to witness.
I have been there done that, so I know. Unfortunately my marriage had other problems but this issue was huge on the list. My ex would come home and mentally check out in front of the TV or computer as I rushed to warm up dinner for him, get kids baths and in bed...him always questioning why the heck was I so tired!!!! The house was clean, bills were paid, even I mowed the yard and took trash out, both kids were taken care of and he still didn't get it. On weekends he would go do something for himself instead of help around the house...SOOOOOO I did leave him with kids on occassion, granted his patience wasn't the greatest with them but one day he called me five times to ask me questions, me just saying "well you said it was easy, figure it out", on a few occassions he apologized however still had an attitude about my being home.
Good luck, work through it and don't let it fester though. Some men are clueless until they have to do it themselves.

If the house is your job, why not start some house rules... Daddy gets 1 hour of down time after he gets home and then the TV is turned off. He will be forced to pay more attention to what you and the kids need once the TV is turned off.

Good Luck!

I've been married for 14 yrs. and we have 4 kids. I worked 12-14 hr. days and my husband went to law school for the first 3 yrs. of our marriage, then he worked and I finally got pregnant. When I came home from work, I did everything around the house and he came home and relaxed. After the second came along 18 months later, I was exhausted all of the time. It was worse than having twins! I remember being ready to check out and I begged for help. What the husbands don't ever understand is that their job stops after a certain number of hours. Ours never does, even at night w/ infants. Men need to get that and help out more. I sat my husband down and explained that I was exhausted and I needed more help when he came home and a little break myself. When I left for a few days and he watched the kids, he got it.

I have learned to compliment him every time he comes in the kitchen and helps w/ dishes or does the laundry, etc. I didn't get compliments much from him, but I kept at it with the kids and him. I remember talks about me wanting him to just be able to see what needs to be done around the house. Now we have an amazing relationship and it took time. He helped me can applesauce today and clean up afterward. He gardens and helps bathe the kids at night, he reads to them and helps get them to bed. He gets it now. He sees how hard I work and he is right there to help me. I am so grateful for him in my life. I help him too and then we relax together when the kids go to bed. I was given the greatest email the other day. It said, "Women's Porn" and had fully dressed good looking men doing jobs around the house or asking their wife if she would like to go shoe shopping, etc. Maybe you could explain to him that we get excited when our husbands do things for us around the house. Then be sure to reward him!
I'll be happy to send that email to you if you would like to send me your email address. Maybe you can show it to him and he'll get the point.
Good luck!

You may also appeal to the man's "logical" side, since they are more analytical...scientific research has shown that a stay at home mom expends the same amount of energy as someone who works TWO fulltime jobs outside of the home. You can tell him that next time he says he works harder. And make sure if you do leave the kids with him for a full day that you specify that ordering pizza doesn't count as "making dinner." And you may want to put the normal breakfast and lunch menus on the list so he doesn't just stuff them full of chips or whatever. Your husband gets coffee breaks and a lunch break at work...those are luxuries a SAHM doesn't have. He probably just doesn't realize how much energy it takes. Good luck!

Gosh, I feel for you! Your job is probably harder than his by far with three little ones under three! What I would do if I were you is this: one weekend you need to schedule a girls night out or just go out and say, "Honey, the kids are yours!" This will give him a reality check and make him realize how hard your job really is. I have a one-year old and it's hard to keep up with everything around the house. Sometimes I have to remind my husband how hard it really is to keep up with everything.

Let us know how things turn out and good luck!
P.

probably the best solution to get him to realize just how much work you actually do during the day (and hence how much you would like to have help at the end of the day) is to take off for a weekend. Go somewhere with your sister or your mom or your best friend... no kids allowed. Leave him to handle the house for at least 2 days (3 is better). Its suggested in the book "Babyproofing your marriage", which I would certinaly suggest. =) Good luck!

Oh Sweetie how I feel your pain!!!! I am a SAHM with a 2yr old and a 9yr old. The 9yr old was just diagnosed with ADHD and we haven't found a treatment yet that works for him, but bless his heart he tries to help and he is great with his 2yr old sister. My husband is Active Duty Air Force and in the last 6yrs we have moved 3times, don't get me wrong I was Active Duty Air Force before we had children, so I know the military life, and that is not my complaint. My complaint is my husband's attitude since our son was born almost 10yrs ago and WE decided that I would be a SAHM. To him I didn't know that meant and still means he goes to work and comes home and his day is done. He has NEVER gotten up in the middle of the night with either one of our children, never given them a bath, never taken care of them when they have been sick, doesn't help with homework, I think you get the point. I know you are wondering why did you have another child? Well, she is a miracle baby, after many miscarriages before we had our son, and hormone supplements and bed rest during my pregnancy with him, I was told I would almost 99% not able to have any more children. Well, almost 8yrs later our little bundle of joy was born. I am extremely happy and feel blessed to have my children and be able to stay home with them, I really wouldn't trade it for the world. But I do need a break sometimes, I am serious when I say, I can't shower or go to the bathroom without the 2yr old or because something needs to be done, and by the way, I have realized I have a super power, I have the power to find anything in the house that my son and husband can't find!(my secret to my super power, I LOOK for what is lost). Since my husband is so inexperienced with taking care of the children, I really can't leave him with them, he really doesn't know what to do, so he just doesn't do anything and my 9yr old ends up taking care of my 2yr old. I know this because of the few times I have been able to go to the grocery store by myself I get at least 4 phone calls from my husband asking me to hurry and come home. My mom is able to come every couple of months for a week or two, so that is a big help. Okay, if you have read this far then I apologize for taking up your precious time,and I realize I haven't given you any advice, but this has really helped me vent and to know I'm not being a bad mom or wife if I don't have everything and everyone perfect when my husband comes home. I have been able to take this time because I have decided to do the breakfast clean up later!!! Oh how liberating this feels, but now I must go help a 2yr old open a gogurt! Thank You for this letting me vent, and God Bless you and please know you are not alone!

A.,
I just wanted to say how brave of you it is to let each of us relate to you. I don't have any advise unfortuneatly. I have been married for 10 years and my husband says he hates doind the dishes and so therefore he just won't. I have learned that no matter how much I want him to help he's not going to and I have learned to somehow deal with it. I am also a stay at home mom but with 5 children. My husband travels for his work and his gone for weeks at a time. Sometimes I just feel like a single parent who is only here for sex. But that set aside, I love my husband...
Maybe if you took a trip and left the kids with him he might understand your job. I did. I left for two weeks. I missd my babies horribly... but he was thankful when I came home.
Again, I'm not sure if any of this helps but thanks for sharing.
S.

Get away for the weekend and let him handle the kids for 2 days. He will see who works harder then! Oh, don't forget to leave a couple loads of laundry for him, and some dishes! Good luck!

Get a couple of girlfriends together and go somewhere for the weekend. You no doubt could use a relaxing weekend. Leave Dad in charge and see if his attitude isn't a little different when you get back.