Why Won't She Listen to Me!?!?!?! So Frustrated.

Get that TV out of her room. There are many reasons to do this (not punishment), but the one you're interested in now is that TV (or screen time) right before bed makes it hard to fall asleep.

"I have told her over and over if she continues she will get punished." "She told me in the past few days I am not strict."

Follow through! What punishment? Take something away like tv, video game, cell phone.

Tonight I would ignore her like Momma11 said, then tomorrow morning get her up really early and have her do many physical activities.
Lots of chores, tire her out.
Do you have a pool? Get her into it, you too. It'll be fun, after chores.
Weed the garden.
No sugary foods, no soda, no processed junk.
Tomorrow night have a relaxing down time, no tv, no fast paced board games, read her some easy going books, LIttle House books, Anne of Green Gables, Charlotte's Webb.
Tonight she is looking for attention. Tomorrow put the brakes on "fun" M., she needs you to discipline her.

She is testing you and proving to herself and to you that she is steamrolling you. You have to be firm and set boundaries.

You let her turn on the tv at 10pm for 15 minutes....huh?? What are you thinking? That totally showed her you don't mean what you say.

At about 8:00pm I would tell her to get ready for bed, get a drink and go potty then let her read a book until 9pm...then lights out. Have her repeat after you that if she gets out of bed you are taking 10 minutes from tomorrow night's bedtime...each time she gets out of bed subtract another 10 minutes. It is in her hands now.

I have a feeling that it is not just at bedtime when she is testing you so it may not work if she is doing this to you all day long..and you give in.

Good luck and best wishes. Your girl has two households with two different parenting styles and she is acting out to get attention. I have been in her situation and she is acting out. It is negative attention but attention at that.

Wow, have you never had a night where you just couldn't fall asleep? Lay in bed for hours listening to hubby snore. Got out of bed, got a drink of water, got back in. Got up, read for a while, went back to sleep. It sucks. And then on top of it - how would you feel if someone punished you for this?

Good for you not handing out harsh punishments. Is there some reason you think that she would learn better from being punished than from being shown the best way to do something? To discipline means to teach, not to punish.

Have you asked her why she can't sleep? Maybe she had a fight with a friend. Maybe she is worried about something. Maybe she is scared she will have a nightmare. Maybe she needs a hug and some company, not punishment.

Find out why she is so disturbed. Do you listen to her. Do the two of you talk. She is not asking for discipline she's asking to be heard so she can tell you something she needs help with.

You are her mom, you know what she needs. She needs to go to sleep.

When you speak with her and she disobeys ask her to repeat what you have told her. If she cannot repeat it, from now on when you give her instructions have her repeat them EVERY TIME. She will begin to understand you know she heard you and understands.. It gets tiring to have to repeat everything you are told..

This way you can tell her, "I know you heard me", since you are disobeying, you will now not be allowed to go to so and so's home.. go to the movies.. whatever she has planned.. and stick with it..

At night you need to have a set time for her to be in bed and no getting out of bed..If she continues this behavior, let her know each time she comes out of her room, you will take away 10 minutes of TV time (computer, cell phone, whatever motivates her).Then follow through and remind her why she is losing these privileges..

She needs to be reading a book or writing in a journal. She should not be leaving her room.. of course unless she needs to potty but she should get in and get out.. no conversations needed. .

She is totally testing you. She made that statement to see if you really are not strict.. I think she would like to see you have some rules and to make her follow them.. Children need rules, they need limits and they need structure, it makes them feel safe and feel like their lives are stable.. Especially children of divorce.. I know this because I was a child of divorce.. I needed to know my mom was in control. It made me feel like she was really in charge and I was safe. .

if she said those things to you about not being strict then be strict. discipline her.

I remember when I was that age, I liked to read to fall asleep. Is she allowed to keep her light on to read when she claims to be having difficulty sleeping? Do you have any light classical music she can play, or a white noise machine?

Frustration is contagious. I can see it in my children (and they are nearly 4 and 1.) When I get frustrated, it seems to charge them and perpetuates a cycle that can drive me crazy. Do what you can to calm yourself and work with your daughter to find tactics for her to find calm and rest. Even if it takes her awhile to get to sleep, she should be at rest. I have read that screen time of any type is stimulating and can make getting to sleep even more difficult, so maybe the answer is to cut off her television viewing earlier, rather than letting her get a "fix" later.

And I also keep a medicinal pack of Hershey bars for such occasions. When the kids seem intent to drive me to drink (but I don't feel comfortable having a beer or glass of wine) Chocolate! For you, not the kid. You could deal with the pick-me-up, her not so much.

If her sleep poses a chronic problem, ask her pediatrician about low-dose melatonin supplementation. Good luck to you.

I would just ignore her when she gets up. Don't acknowledge her, don't answer her questions, don't talk to her at all. She may try to engage you a bunch of times but eventually she will realize that she's not going to get your attention and she'll go to sleep.

Also, this may sound counterintuitive, but 9 pm seems pretty late for a 9-year-old. Maybe she actually needs an EARLIER bedtime? Good luck!

Oh MY your daughter is ASKING for discipline & you are turning her down!!!!

Kids associate love with discipline. And you are NOT giving it to her!

This is a cry out for you to step up & be her mom. 'Harsh punishments' don't need to be given, unless deserved. BUT your 'NO' MUST mean 'NO'.

Tell her the next time you come out of your room, there will be no t.v. at all tomorrow, and stick to it. You need to have a back bone when it comes to raising kids, it's not for the weak unless you want to raise a disrespectful little girl.

Ignore her. Let her be up - it certainly won't hurt her. She's 9, let her fall asleep in the living room. Tell her if she is going to stay awake not to talk to you, you are going to sleep. Say "goodnight and have sweet dreams!"

sounds like she might be looking for you to be consistant on your discipline. She says it straight out "she said since I am her mom she knows I can't be strict" It will take time, it will not happen over night but give it a few weeks of consistant punishment to tell her who the boss is and then keep up with it!

Maybe she needs you. Needs you to listen to her when it's quiet and no one else is around and there are no pressures on your (or her) time.

Maybe you could snuggle with her to make sure she's not scared about something that she's too scared to tell you about.

I would concentrate far less on "punishment" and more on her needs. Take "she's driving me insane" and turn it into "isn't it nice that she feels safe with me" and move forward from that perspective.

More exercise in sunlight during day. Get up earlier in the morning. NO sugar, especially after noon, and follow through with consequences the first time she gets out of bed "just to spite you". Don't tell her over and over first. One calm warning, then remove an item she likes to be earned back after week of good bed etiquette. If she gets up again, repeat with another prized possession. Don't get mad or anything, just let her choose whether she wants more consequences or not. Be sure she is also getting enough positive attention form you during the day and at bedtime, so she isn't bullying you out of boredom and loneliness. If you have just had some quality "girl time" together before bed, she shouldn't be wanting to turn on you after that.
Also, TV before bed makes it harder to sleep. Make her read in bed. Maybe that can be her consequence for the behavior, and it's actually good for her.

Not being strict isn't the problem...not being consistent and not following up on your threats is the problem. You said you "told her over and over if she continues she will get punished"...she obviously continued and got no punishment. Lesson learned...you pick a punishment and follow through with it immediately!! She needs to know what to expect from you. Bedtime is not a debate and it's not a battle. It's a schedule and she will stick to it or there will be consequences.

Good luck and get control of this situation now before she starts to push about bigger issues.

Sometimes my son can't sleep, we all do that. He is allowed books in bed on those nights. He is not allowed out of bed, and he certainly isn't allowed to keep me from my nighttime routine.

You hate to admit youve even raised your voice at her?? Well, way back when my son was little, I was a lot like my M. and yelled at him for everything. He never cared and just ignored me. He must have been thinking this was my normal voice or something and he didnt pay attention at all. I then read a book that said, "Yelling is the least effective way to get kids to do what you ask.".. BUT it also said, to use the loud voice when you really need to so they will learn the difference between being asked to do things, and when you are SERIOUS about they MUST do something. So, if you send her to bed knowing shes had everything she needs and shouldnt have any reason to get up, and she does, you can tell her to go back to bed and not get up. if she does again, Im screaming at her! GET BACK IN BED AND DONT YOU DARE GET UP AGAIN! Maybe she will see you mean business and go to bed and stay like she should. And you better not feel guilty for it either. Id bet its the only time youll need to yell at her for this. Im sure you will also find other things to use your big voice for over the years. And its ok. You dont scream at her all the time but when you really mean it. DO IT!

She wants interaction and you are interacting with her. Get up and quietly walk her back to bed.without any talking

Does she... drink any soda????
If so, (I read this in an article about Tweens/Teens), then this, DOES affect their sleep and lack of sleep.
Kids this age, are getting adult dosages of soda and hence, caffeine.
It really tweaks, their biological needs, for sleep and makes it an inability.

Your Daughter is a "Tween". Tweens are from 9-12 years old.
Google search "Tween Development" and MANY good articles will come up.
Read it.
To prep you for Tween development and changes.

Don't let her turn anything on.
And, where is Husband/Dad in all this?
Does he not do anything, to help?

Well, I think that sometimes, people can't fall asleep for a variety of reasons. Yes she is 9, and a child, cut just like us, things run through your mind, you may be uncomfortable, or plain not tired. So you get up and have a drink, or do something. Cut her some slack, let her read a book or something.

Was this just a onetime thing or does she constantly do this? From your post, it sounds like it was just the one night. Give her a break – she probably needed some extra TLC from you or it was her way of needing to talk with you about something, but didn’t know how to start a conversation.

She might have been delaying sleep because something was bothering her and needed to talk, but didn’t know how to bring up the issue with you. My daughter is only 6, but the best talks we have are right before bed, with the lights dimmed. I learn so much about her (feelings, school, friends etc) from those quiet times before bed.

She wants your attention and affection. When my son has a hard time at times so I tell him a story with my fingers on his back. We do one for his age level Three LittlePigs of Bears)but my 8 year old loves it too. The touch is what makes them feel close to me. I talk in a soft low voice.
Once your daughter has stayed up late for a few night it may be hard for her to get back in a routine of going to bed at her real bedtime. I have given my doughter melatonin (sp?) a natural supplement - or you can try camamille tea in a pretty lil tea cup right before bedtime.
Yelling will push her away - talking and nurturing will only bring her closer.

No one should have a tv in their bedroom, really bad for you, especially a 9 year old.
Also, her bed time is too late.
Sometimes we just can't fall asleep, it happens. Ignore her trying to get at you with saying she listens to her dad and step mom. Be you, be consistent and let her know you love her. Were you doing anything that didn't allow for you to just come into her room and read a book or just talk softly to her and stroke her face? What about an extra kiss?
the next day, you should discuss what she means about being strict, never at the heat of the moment. Ask her what she thinks strict is and what she prefers. Maybe it's something she does need or needs compromise with.
Yes, it's our job to teach and guide our children, but we forget that we can learn so much from them too.

Man, she's got your number! Call a family counselor or child psych for a behavior plan.