Wife of Compulsive Gambler

How incredibly sad for you. Have you thought that if he has nothing to lose he may not need to change? I know that with all addictions, until they hit rock bottom, there is no real urge to change the behavior. As sick as it sounds, you have the addiction to him as well. We, as women, are so nurturing that we feel like we are incredibly noble staying even when the going gets tough. you and your children deserve the man that you married and the man that he can be..a sober husband and father.
Seek our help from those that love him. work out a workable alternative for him, like inpatient care. This will give him the time apart from you and tell him that it is this or you will have to make other arrangements for him. Don't wait until he is so depressed for the state that he has your family in..you are the hero here. Salvage what you have as a family and re-group and save it. If he can't be on board then he can only be part of your family when he is...this is loving , really. you have to love ALL of you first, and show him that you want more...good luck to you and seek out an alanon meeting quickly. they will have far more answers for you and Gamblers anonymous may have some helpful tips or avenues..

I was married to an addict alcoholic for years. I found it very helpful to attend group meetings like ALANON for the families of addicts. I'm sure there is an equivalent for gambling. I had a lot more clarity after listening to others knowing that they actually knew what I was going thru. It's very difficult to ask friends or family for advice because they can often say the wrong thing making your decision making even harder. My marriage didn't survive for many other reasons not just his addiction. I don't think you can just walk out the door unless you are really confident that it is best for your family. He can't be 'fixed' overnight and he isn't choosing gambling over his family. The hardest part of having an addict in your life is constantly reminding yourself that he doesn't love gambling more than you, he's an addict. If he is in denial about his problem, and who wouldn't be, then you can't push him into it. All that being said you have to protect and provide for your children. I can't imagine the stress of being a SAHM if I wasn't confident in my husband's finances. Definitely get help for yourself so you can feel a little more in control. Find people who can be supportive and tell people that nag about what you 'should' do that you appreciate their (totally uneducated) advice but you are doing just fine making your own decisions.

http://www.gam-anon.org/
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

hugs
R

He won't go for help so I really think that this IS a no brainer! It will only get worse and could put you and your children at risk

I am sorry for your difficult situation. But. you are the Mom and it is your responsibility to protect your children and teach them what is right and wrong. They are your first responsibility. Take them and go to a reliable relative's house and don't return home until he has done a rehap program and has stayed clean for some time. If you are lucky he will wise up when he sees that you are serious. His behavior is dangerous and you should do everything in your power to ensure he has the smallest influence on his children as possible until he cleans up his act. Realistically this might never happen, so you need to prepare yourself by talking to a lawyer for advice. I am not telling you to give up on the family - I know how hard that must be and cant imagine the pain, but you need to show your husband what he has to lose and pray pray pray that he will get the medical intervention he needs. If you have a large group of friends and family and coworkers who are willing to do a group intervention to convince him to get help this might be helpful in some cases too. Ultimately, you need to be prepared to walk away to protect your children. If he is unwilling to change after you leave him, then his behaviour now is only the beginning. It will get worse and the damage to your kids over time would be great. It is so hard but you have to be the strong one for them. Also look into Al-Anon please! It will be very helpful to you. Much more than me I am sure! Good luck and many prayers.

Hi, Maria
I am a working mother of 4 & my husband is a SAHD. My husband & I had a very similar situation. My husband would get extremely ANGRY with our kids during home schooling sessions or when he played with them & I tried to deal with it on my own by asking him to stop getting so upset with them. When that didnt work I went to a councelor alone because he would NOT go. He said he didnt need to. My therapist finally made me realize I needed to make an extreme desicion, to leave the marriage if he was not going to try and fix the problem. Once I knew leaving him was something I was willing to do I finally told my husband that I could not live in this stressful relationship and I did not want to be married to him any longer. I never thought I could ever say that and neither did he. I believe it finally sunk in that I would actually have the courage to leave. He and I were seperated for a month, although living in the same house. I freed myself of all responsiblities I used to feel I had to provide to him being his wife and it was extremely liberating and he sensed that as well. He still wont go to counceling but he has made great strides at being more calmer and doing things to please me and I do everything to make him a happy King of our Happier home. I realized I needed to make changes withing myself. There is so much more to this story but it gives you an idea of some of the things you need to do help make change. And trying to keep a family together deserves every reasonable effort. I wish you the Best.

Hello, It is such a sad thing to try and deal with an addict. I hope he gets help for his problem. However, you need to think of yourself and your children. Is he being a responsible parent and partner? I don't think so. Is he setting a good example for your children. Also, you don't want to set the example for them that it is okay to be treated in a disrespectful way. I wish I could say something more positive, but I have been through this with two sons and can't see any other way that to tell him he has to get help or he has to leave (or you will leave). Do you have family or friends who can let you and your children move in with them until you can get on your own feet?
Good luck with your precious family.
K. K.

Definitely get thee to Al-Anon and, if you have insurance, find out what kind of program they have for you. I called to find out what kind of program my insurance would cover for him, and found out they had a program for me. It saved me and my marriage. Best of luck to you and yours.

Oh Bless you M.. :) Please go to the web site for: gettingthemsober.com. She has a ton of good info. for those who love those with addictive personalities. She's amazingly wise, and I know you can get a lot of help there. I was helped tremendously by her. Her name is Toby Rice Drews, and she even answers her own phone. There is help, and HOPE. Get help for yourself and your family. I strongly suggest that you go to Al-anon. I have been going for many years and have gotten a great deal of help. Take care of yourself and your kids, and I wish you the best,
V.
Here is their link: www.GettingThemSober.com

I was a wife of a drinker once upon a time. When it started endangering my kids I left. My advice for now is have everything seperate. Money for you and the kids, household stuff etc. and money for him. Contact your local Alanon group. They will help you live with or without the drinking. The problem isn't gambling or drinking it is his addictive behavior. Stay focused on you and the kids. You can't control what he does, you can only control what you do. You can get counseling without him as well, it helps both ways. The Ex never changed and has gotten progressively worse over the past eleven years, I pray feverently that your husband wakes up and realizes what a wonderful life he has and that his children deserve the best and the way things are now isn't that. Good Luck

Im so sorry you are going thru this. My only advise is to seek councling for yourself.

There should also be support groups for family members with families that have gambling issues. I hope for the best for you and your little family.

God bless.

M.,

I'm praying for you. I'm not in your shoes but be encouraged and have God's strength. Taking once step at a time. Have wisdom from advice you receive. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

In my prayers,

Nancy

You need to leave him. No if's, ands or butts. Do it for you, but especially for your kids. Your kids won't have many friends when they are older because the parents won't want their kids to come over (I would never let my child visit a child of a dad like that.) And eventually, your kids will start drinking and becomming alcoholics like him. Start a new life, and if and when you date and marry again, never let it be with anyone like him, or anyone who is abusive, emotionally or physically. Good luck, and be strong for your kids!!

The only advice I can give you is to make sure you keep track of your family's finances and have money put aside for yourself and your kids. Know about the bank accounts, if you own a home find out about your mortgage and the payments that are being made. If there are college funds for the kids, make sure they are still in tact. You just want to make sure that he doesn't gamble away your financial future.

Hi M.! I feel for you and your children. It's a very difficult situation. But you can't do much when your husband isn't willing to go to counseling or willing to make a change for the better. All you can do is protect yourself and your children from this unhealthy behavior. Your husband's addictive behavior isn't just destroying your marriage and your family, it's slowly killing him, to put it bluntly. He seriously needs to get help but you can't force him. He has to make that choice to change for himself. Now, this is where tough love comes in. You have to tell him that you all love him but that he can't be like that and be part of the family, that you and the kids deserve someone who cares about himself to get help and make a change for the better. Tell him how his behavior has hurt you and the kids. Ask him to please get the help he needs and that you will be there for him. You may also need to seek some professional advice in this situation to get some guidance. I wish you all the best and inner strength in this difficult situation.

You need 1) a good lawyer, 2) an intervention after you have consulted with AA and Gamblers Anonymous. Also find all the credit cards and cut them up. Take all the cash out of any joint accounts NOW. I hope you have relatives that you can stay with. You are going to have to do tough love and either kick him out or leave. To do anything else is called ENABLING. THere is no other option. If you go the way you are, I can predict arrests for drunk driving, either him killing himself or someone else (DO NOT LET HIM DRIVE WITH YOU OR THE KIDS IN THE CAR), he may start being violent with you or the children, he will leave you financially ruined and/or destitute, and finally he is being a terrible role model for your children, especially if you have boys. If you have to go to a shelter, do it. Get out right now. The kids must come first. AA can help, so can social services. An alcoholic or any addict cannot be helped until they are willing. He is not willing so he is gone, out of your life, your kids life until he is clean and sober. No other option is acceptable. If you don't do this, then give up custody of your kids. I mean it. Kids first.

Hi M. -

I feel for you. It must be a very difficult place to be in. I had a relationship many years ago with a man I was very much in love with who had addiction problems, but we had no children. I was very young, but gave it 6 years until I ran out of respect and love for him. I hope it doesn't come to that for you and your husband. It doesn't have to. That's his addiction talking and he's frightened.

I'm going to quote Anne or Abby, not sure which of them advised this. If he won't get help, get help for yourself. You can join AlAnon, or the equivalent for gambling addicts. You may prefer one-on-one counseling. You need to take care of yourself, and you can get ideas from being amongst others who are in your situation, or from a therapist.

People can recover and marriages don't always end. I believe you and your family are on the road to recovery even now, since you posted this today. I hope it will be successful soon. It may be a bumpy road, but worth travelling.

With love & blessings to you.

Go to a support group like Alanon, or something similar, or another support group through NAMI (www.nami.org). It will be good for you to talk with others dealing with this sort of thing, and they can probably give you really good advice about practical things you can do to protect yourself and your kids, and maybe even to help your husband. If you ever feel that you or the kids are in danger - GET OUT

you have gotten some great advice and referrals.
bottomline, sounds like your husband has addiction issues.
that usually requires a lot of counseling and major life changes on his part; which won't happen with just willpower.
it has to come from him and when he is ready (usually when the addict has sufficiently lost enough) then hopefully he will get professional help and change.
meanwhile, you have to think of your children and your health and well-being and that means check out the support groups for partners of addicts, protect yourself financially and take some serious steps.
I think we all hope he will make that change and the family can be together and healthy again...
good luck to you...addiction is a very difficult disease but many have been able to overcome and manage it successfully.

Hi, thank you for sharing your painful story, you are not alone, but probably feel it, people always say just leave.

This is what I wished I would have done, get to your nearest community college, tell them what is going on and that you need financial assistance, only grant's, put them in the daycare at the school, everyone need's to be on the same page, meaning you have no money, you ignore him and think of only you get a certificate or a degree. If you do not do this you will have a life like mine. God I feel for you, I loved him so much, he looked like tom cruz (I dont know the spelling), we were always nice to eachother, we did not want to make the situation obvious even to ourselves. These men sometimes don't feel (sociopath's) and in the end will surprise you, by blaming you, these men are reffered to as vampire's, you do you Period, I bet he let's you do all the work god I hate these men. When I was giving birth I ended up having a c-section, while he gambled for 3 night's straight, I was utterly alone and heart broken, I still am, now I need to be hypnotised as nothing else is working, I am poor, he is not, I get child support and ssi, now due to my overly nuerotic condition, I take pain med's like candy now, I dont know what to do with my self, now I am 45, I was beautiful, young vibrant, and new he loved me, but once he turned on me I was left with the debt and years later still have it, there is no help for me, people say time but Im still waiting. Help yourself first then get out, I mean it, he will never quit, he doesn't care, now you toughen youself, carry yourself like a ladie, grow out of him and into yourself, learn about co-dependency, relax do what you have to before it is to late! I care about women like you more than you know.

I agree with both of the current posts - GET OUT!! You can NOT, I repeat, NOT save this man. You can not change his behavior. He has to change for himself, not you or his children, as bad as that may sound. I was married to an alcoholic for almost 9 years. He binged drank as well. Sure, it's very easy to overlook the dark days when he's sober but, you know very well that those dark days/nights will return. I lost my house and most of my savings to this man. I came to the conclusion that I could be miserable alone. Stay with a friend, family member, etc. Start with Alanon for support and suggestions. Good luck.

I am a wife of a recovered addict. It is a very hard disease to understand. My husband still actively goes to meetings even after 5 years. I agree with the other posters in the fact that you can not make him change, stop, or want help. He has to decide all on his own. Unfortunately 9 times out 10 addicts have to hit ROCK bottom to want to change. Rock bottom is different for everyone. I was with my husband for 4 years before he got help. We knew he had a problem, but did not know where to go or what to do. My husband hit rock bottom before loosing his family. He is one of the lucky ones. That does not mean everything is perfect now. It just means we have to take everyday 1 day at a time.
Should you leave is what you are asking. Only you can make that call. Going to support meetings can help you make that decision b/c they can help you identify how severe your husband is. Maybe instead of talking about divorce right away discuss separation with him. A separation with guidelines. You have to stick with your decision and show him you are serious when you leave. This could be his rock bottom. Watching his family walk away. When my husband started his recovery I moved out for 6 months. This work very well for us. This gave him time to establish himself with the program, create a routine, and work on himself w/o worrying about what we will think.
There is some much advice to give and everyones situation is very different. We do not know how deep your husband is, if he is a good husband when not involved with an addiction ( which it seems he is replacing one addition with another. That is common with addicts), if he is abusive. We don't know enough to tell you to run and don't look back. I recommend you find your own help. Support groups are a great start. They can help you move in the right direction. They also have those same groups for children. This maybe great for them to talk about how they feel.
Also moving on your own is not as easy as it sounds. You are a SAHM. Do you have any skills, work experience, anything that can get you a job to support your family? These are very important thing to think about. Just know that you are not alone. This is nothing to be ashamed of, so do not look down on yourself or think this is your fault. Addiction is a very real and serious disease that millions struggle with everyday. There is help out there. I wish you the best.

Hello M.,
My heart goes out to you, you are in a tough situation. I think if your husband wont go to counseling, you should go.
I personally would not feel guilty about the family, his practices are putting all of you at risk. You may also see k help through Alcoholics Anonymous, they do have branches for wives of addicts of all kinds, and could recommend some support groups. Take care and good luck.

Hi M.,

First, as I am sure you know, your husband has to want to get help before he can be helped. Sometimes it takes tough love before he can realize what he has to do. His problem is an illness as is alcoholism. Not everyone can recover, however it is not hopeless either. My husband is a recovered alcoholic and my BIL is a recovered gambler. Both can ruin a household.

I will share with you about my BIL since he was a gambler. He made a LOT of money and always displayed himself as a high roller. He had markers and would often take my sister out in limos and stay at the hotels rather than go home. I am sure it was fun while it lasted. However eventually, they walked away from their home and moved out of state. Their BMW was repossessed and transported back to Vegas. I had to pay and pick it up from the auction and have my mother drive it back to them. To this day, I doubt it had insurance and I had my mother driving it out of state. They returned home and he continued his gambling and spent money which was not his. He made my sister call me and ask me for $700 that same night or he was going to get fired. I gave them the money and was paid back, but the stories just never seemed to end. Finally, he moved out and rented a house and had a new young girlfriend. In this, my sister and I had a major fall out and she refused to talk to me for a while. Eventually he came back and promised he would fix everything and would never gamble again. He is a different person now but I believe she would not allow him to come back until he made that promise. Thankfully, he has kept it however, he still has that "High Dollar" air about him.

While I was not together with my husband when he was drinking, it is my understanding he was quite difficult and was put out on the streets until he went into the hospital to rehab. He attends AA meetings every week and must work on his sobriety every day.

Best of luck to you.

Hi, M.. My advice to you and anyone else in a similar situation is to seek shelter with a family member away from your husband asap. You and your children are in an abusive environment, and if you do not remedy this situation for yourself and children right away you will be harming yourself and your children as well. Go stay with your parents or sibling or even a trusted friend; anyone whom you know will help protect your family. Until your husband realizes completely what he is doing you are all in a very unhealthy situation/lifestyle. Do this for your children at least! If and when he stops his behavior you will be able to resume your life together as long as he is receiving the help/therapy he needs. And yes he needs it because he cannot do this on his own. Addictions are just that. You will also need support to stay strong and encouraging to your husband. Again, seek the appropriate help for you and your kids asap. Stay away as long as necessary with supervised visits for the kids (if it proceeds to that-and yes that may happen). Your husband will be slapped with the reality that he will lose his family if he does not 'shape up' fast or at least seek the help he needs. I do not know what your spiritual beliefs are, but I will be praying for you and your family. Please take my advice for you and your family's future. God Bless you.

YOU need to protect you and your children. FIRST.

I have a friend, who had extreme circumstances with her husband too. She left, with the kids and all... and stayed at her friends house for about 2-3 months. Their living conditions were unbearable... and she had no other choice.
Her friend lived in the same city. That was her solution, and it worked for her/the kids, him. The kids were happier not living with unpredictable mood-swings and harmful behavior. She told him she would not come back unless... he did something about it.

Kids... WILL replicate this type of dysfunctional behavior... later, in teen or adult hood. SO you HAVE TO keep that in mind... HOW the kids grow up, and what parenting they are exposed to. You would not want them to become as your Hubby is. There is a strong tendency for the vicious cycle to continue... in kids.... and your Husband's legacy will be that, upon his children.

Tell your family if you have to, for help, in any way possible.

Hopefully, your Husband is not violent????
If so, you can seek out a shelter or close friend/family to help you.

This kind of problem will either go away or not. And if so, it takes a LONG time. Nothing immediate. It can sometimes take years. It will not go away anytime soon.... and he WILL continue to binge drink or gamble.

When he is binge drinking and drunk- it is not a safe thing to be around, especially with children in the house.

If you feel he is not safe to care for himself when out binge drinking AND drunk... then, you have to think about "his" and your safety. Maybe call the cops... to get him.

BUT you NEED to tell others to help you... any friends and close family... you NEED support of many facets, to help you and provide safety for you/your kids.

All the best,
Susan