Would Have You Left After an Hour?

I wouldn't feel bad at all. Sorry you had a tough day.
It sounds like a exhasting situation overall and it was totally fair to tell her to stop the script. In general, I think for kids its good for them to learn that when a behavior is driving someone nuts they need to stop. I'm not into yelling but an occasional stern "that's enough, no more kitten talk" would have definitely come out of my mouth.

I would have left. I would have told her that it's a party and it's expected that she participate - it's not about her, it's about the person having the party. If she isn't going to participate, then she doesn't go.

You basically let her be in control of you. I would have picked her up and taken her in. I would have not given her any choice about it.

If she continued to act out I would have taken her to the bathroom and swatted her hiney then told her this behavior is unacceptable. Then we'd have gone back in.

But in all reality I would have never accepted an invitation to any party 45 minutes away unless it was one of my grand kids and we were making a weekend of it.

I probably would've left after 15-20 minutes. I would tell her that you're leaving in 15-20 minutes unless she joins the party. Give her a choice. If she chooses to not play, home we'd go.

I've done this with a child. Before leaving I went to the mom/hostess and gave my apologies and thanked her for the invitation.

Take care of yourself first so that you don't have a meltdown. Sometimes we're so concerned about how our child or the party child feels that we over extend ourselves. This just doesn't work, as you discovered.

It's important for your child to experience boundaries. She was in control in this situation. Not good.

You're letting her call the shots. If she didn't want to go in why did you stay in the lobby? Give her a few minutes to try to warm up and then if she still doesn't want to participate explain you have other things to do then wait for her whim and leave.

SHE knows you were hanging around waiting to see what SHE wanted to do. She also knows you will play whatever game she wants even if you aren't in the mood and if you don't you feel guilty?! You're the parent, she's the child make sure she knows who is in charge.

Going along with things just to make her happy is a recipe for disaster.
Trust me, it is not pretty a few years down the line if authority isn't established early on. There are few things as disturbing as entitled, spoiled teenagers who are in charge of their own parents.

No, if it were my child, and she told me she didn't want to go in, we would have left immediately, no playing in the lobby at all. You are letting her dictate how things will be and as the parent, that should not be how it is. It sounds to me as if your child doesn't respect your authority.

Unless it was a really special friend and I KNEW my child would enjoy it I wouldn't have gone in the first place. 45 minutes away, plus a 90 minute (I'm assuming?) party, that's like three and a half hours out of your day, no wonder you are frustrated!
And if she didn't want to stay I would have just said, fine, we are leaving. Say a quick happy birthday and leave the gift, that's all.
I'm not sure what you mean by "script mode" is that some kind of disorder? If she's just constantly demanding that you play with her and engage in her game then that's not right. You are an adult, the parent, you play with her when YOU feel like it. You are there to be her mother, to love her and guide her and provide for her, but you are not her playmate.
And you don't beg your daughter for a break!!!
You TAKE a break, it's YOUR call, not hers.
If you are doing this when she is three she is going to be a very difficult and demanding older child and an absolute nightmare as a teenager.
Step up now and TAKE CHARGE!

I think I understand what you are talking about with the "scripting". There is nothing wrong with telling a child "no more ... until after dinner" or whatever. Sometimes Mom (and Dad) just get tired of constant questions, constant play acting, etc. and need to put some limits on it, that is perfectly fine. You are Mom, you are driving the bus, you are in charge.

Give yourself a break!!

M

Of course you felt like an out-of-control parent - because you didn't take control of the situation, you let her be in control. Sometimes there is a time and place for that, but this was not it.

I would have given her maybe 10 to 15 minutes for her to make up her mind to go in or not - then would have left if she still didn't want to join in. Or if you knew there was going to be a bounce house and there was a possibility she was going to be too scared, not have wasted the time going at all.

And again, it's okay to put limits on the scripting when you feel like you've had enough or you are just not up to it. The world does not revolve around her and she needs to start getting used to that.

I haven't gone back to your other posts to read about your daughter, but I will just suggest this to you. Please don't push your daughter so much. She was really uncomfortable at this party. Instead of staying there, you should have just taken her home. You wouldn't have been so worn out and she wouldn't have been hitting the re-set button so hard with all the scripting.

Perhaps wait another year or so before you accept an invitation to another party.

When you are sick of the scripting (and exhausted from your schoolwork), please don't feel like you are horrible for telling her "I am tired and I'm not playing the kitty game with you right now. I am going to be quiet." She needs to see that other people have the right to not have to hear her talk. You say that and you MEAN it. And you ignore her. I would have some earbuds with you and play soft music to help you cope, if I were you.

No more pleading. You are the mother. You DON'T plead. It's fine to ask, but also fine to TELL. It is NOT fine to plead. You say what you mean and you mean what you say because you are the mother. And you don't feel guilty or bad about it, either.

When my son turned 5, I gave him birthday party for his daycare class at a place with all the balls and tunnels. They had a back room for the cake and food. He would NOT sit in the birthday kid seat. He just wouldn't. I could barely get him to open his presents. He was fine being AT the party and enjoying the activities, but the stress of being the birthday boy was over-the-top for him. Go figure.

I highly recommend that you take her to an OT and ask her to work with your daughter for several sessions on sensory integration. Tell her what your daughter cannot cope with. Tell the OT that she scripts these kitty type games instead. I just bet that the OT could help her. Once she works with her a bit, I think that your insurance will pay for it too.

Good luck, and stop feeling horrible.

I would have left before an hour, honestly. And I have. One of my daughters is neuro-typical... and would have been just fine at a bounce house. The other is a little quirky (no diagnosis, she's well within the range of normal, just her own little person) and the sensory overload of a bounce place or roller rink can make her a little hyper. So we probably would have attempted the party and left if she wasn't able to fully participate.

I want to reiterate what another poster said... you're the mom... you shouldn't be pleading or coaxing. If she can't handle the situation you need to respect that and take her home. No amount of pleading will make your daughter any different than she already is. Maybe she's getting therapy for sensory and scripting issues (which can be totally normal at three, but not to the extent you've explained her and in other questions). Do you think she's a bit different from other kids her age? If yes, please talk to her doctor so that both of you can get support to help her reach her full potential.

You mention how stressed you were. That's totally normal, especially when you want your daughter just to act like everyone else. But she probably can't, and you have to accept that in order to reduce your own stress level. Sorry - that probably sounds harsh - I can't figure out a way to reword it, but I don't mean it harshly. What I mean is that once you completely accept that she's her own little person, some of the stress melts away and you don't spend an hour trying to coax her into a party. You simply know what she can and can't handle and move on.

Hang in there... and talk to her pediatrician about whether an evaluation would make sense. I don't mean to suggest she has a problem, just that if she's having problems interacting in situations like this or the park -- or spending a good deal of the day wanting you to act out certain scripts (and melting down if you don't), there may be some therapy or ideas that could help.

Wow - 6 people would have hit her for being frightened. Way to teach a kid not to be scared.

I would have given her a choice to go in or leave. I would have asked her what she needed for us to do so she could go in without being scared - maybe she needed to know you would stay, maybe she would want to see the different climbing/bouncing things and know she did NOT need to go on any or all of them. Maybe nothing would make her go and honestly - that is ok. If bounce places all just dropped off the face of the earth, I would be thrilled. I assume there are kids who hate them as much as I do.

I would let he know how much time she had to decide - maybe five minutes and give her a reminder when she had 1 minute left. Then I would have given the parents the gift, thanked them and apologized for my child and left. No guilt on the drive back either. And next time - I would NOT accept an invitation to a bounce party.

When my son was 5, his best friend had a Star Wars party - they showed the re-release of the movie. We discussed it with DS, asked if he wanted to watch the movie with us prior to going to the party and told him that if he went, we could leave at any time. He decided not to go because of the scary parts of the movie - he opted to wait until he was older to watch it at all. Did you daughter decide she wanted to go to this party?

ETA - you did fine. You just have way more patience than I do. There is no reason at all to force a child to do something that frightens them to 'prove' that they 'respect your authority'. Um - just not the big goal in parenting.

If my child would have refused to participate in the party, then we would have left. However, given the history of bouncy-house fear and your child's age I probably would have declined the invitation anyway and spared everyone the stress.

At NO time would I have punished my child for being fearful of something - anything! That is so wrong and counter-intuitive to me. I agree with the others saying you needed to make more black and white choices for your daughter (like, "you have 10 minutes to make up your mind about if you're going into the bouncy room, other wise we're going home"), but not every single parenting moment needs to be turned into a battle of wills.

i'd probably have left after a half hour or so. it's perfectly okay for her not to want to go in, and i understand not forcing her. but after an appropriate amount of time to see if she'd warm up, i'd have taken her home.
i don't know why you need to plead and beg when it comes to the scripts. she needs to learn that when you say 'enough' you mean it. i think scripts are a world of fun and am glad she's playing with them, but my dear, it really sounds as if you are allowing yourself to be held hostage to a Very Small Person's little moods and whims. you can respect and honor your Very Small Person, but remember she does not have the life experience to handle all circumstances and dictate to you how to behave and feel.
mama cats don't allow their kittens to run the show. tell 'kitten' that, and start using more boundaries and natural consequences.
khairete
S.

No, I probably would have gone in (making sure to keep her in my eye sight), give the gift and explain that she is not a fan of bouncy places, but you thought you'd give it a try. Then leave with her. I can't believe you did this for an hour! My limit would have been maybe 20 min. At that point you could see she was not interested. Probably too much for her. No worries mama!

Well I don't necessarily think you were being a "weak" parent and letting her have all the control, I mean this is a special situation. But, that being said, I'm not sure I would have stayed an hour either. I agree with most of what Dana K said, I would have given her some choices and given her a time limit of when she was to go in or head home. In that talk about choices I would have also mentioned that if you leave she'd be giving up the cake and ice cream too.

If she's around 3 then I do think it's okay to give her a little time to warm up since she has a history of being afraid of bounce houses and I do kind of think some of the previous posters are being a little harsh.

As far as the script thing, I think you mean like a game she likes to play where she wants to be the kitty and you are expected to respond to her in certain ways?? Yes?? If so, my 3 y/o does that all the time and sometimes I play along and sometimes I don't. Sometimes I simply say okay, Mommy is done with that game now! and then we move on. As long as you play along most of the time I wouldn't really stress over it.

If you find yourself in that situation again, i would stop it before you start to feel stressed and out of control. Have a plan in mind before you go to the party and communicate it to your daughter...like...I hope you choose to play at the party but if not that's okay too. We will just make sure to drop off your present and say thank you before we leave. Have a specific time frame in mind that will work for you and stick to it. I'm sure other parents will understand, we've all been through something or another with our kids!

KOODOES to you for staying as long as you did !!!
I would have done the drive as you did but givin a plan of action ( not saying you didnt ) to my child
for instance,,,, were going to do a) b) c) then go home...
explained if it was to overloading for her then we, after max 30 min of trying to see if she would over come shyness or overloaded ness, leave...but she would be told we would leave....
This is a very tricky situation as well because every parent wants to push there child past there comfort zone even if for just a few minutes to see if they can handle it
But no parents wants to feel defeated at times..but we all have been there in one way or another weather being a new mom and not knowing what to do or by trial and error...
Were moms, were not perfect :)
Keep you head up, make sure you take some YOU time tonight..be it a extra long bubble bath or whatever your device it....
Keep you chin up, tomorrows a new day :)

I think you're being way too hard on yourself . . . it sounds like you handled it fine!

Does she do alot of "scripting?" Any chance she's a sensory kid? That may be how she copes with stimulation. It can make you feel crazy - you're not.

I probably would have stayed at the party to give her a chance to warm up to it.

I'd be having a glass of wine tonight, and handing her off to husband! ;)

No way would I have put up with this B.S. for this long. After driving that distance, I would have made her go in and at least give the birthday kid the gift before we left.

The next time a similar invitation came along, I would tactfully decline and remind her as to how this one turned out.

You don't have unlimited free time. You chose to use what little you had this day to go to a kid's birthday party that your daughter wanted to attend. Then she decided that she didn't want to go after you were already there. No way would this fly with me.

I honestly probably would have told her she had to go in and at least say hello and give the gift. I definitely would have not stayed in the lobby. I was always an anxious child and I missed out on a lot because my parents never forced me to do anything. I think sometimes you have to make sure kids get over there fears, even if just for a few seconds.

In situations like this I always say "Well it'll give them something to tell their therapist when they grow up." She didn't cooperate, you were frustrated knowing that she would have a good time once she started, and it just didn't work out to be the happy day it should have been. Add in all the driving and it's easy to see why you lost it.

Don't be hard on yourself. Kids don't come with instruction books that actually show how our model child works. Write it off as a bad day and be kind to yourself.

Fear should not cripple us from being involved. That's unhealthy. She didn't need to get into the bounce house, but keeping her in the lobby wasn't helping matters. I would have walked right through that lobby, and only briefly looked over my shoulder to say "come on, DS, they're waiting for us. You can sit at the party table and watch the other kids from there. You don't have to go in the bounce house unless you want to. I want to talk to Birthday Girl's mom."

The next time she tries to "script" you, tell her no. To me, this is rather bossy behavior, telling others how they are to play and pretend. Does she do this with other children too? Try to make them play the way SHE wants to?

To me it sounds like she's running the show. This is only the impression I'm getting, so don't be offended. You simply have to be willing to say no and place limitations on what behavior is okay to continue. Don't be afraid of a meltdown...kids KNOW when you're afraid of the tantrum! If you're matter of fact about it and show no fear, she's going to be more confident as well. And if she refuses to follow you in and flips out, I wouldn't give it a second thought. "Okay, DS. Since you don't want to go in and be part of the party, we're going home. It's your choice. In or out? Choose now."

Sometimes we care for others by taking care of ourselves. It's the "put your oxygen mask on first" idea. Considering all the stress you had, it sounds like you did a good job just surviving this birthday party trip. Sometimes it's enough just to get through the day without a nervous breakdown. Give yourself a hug, Mama. You made it home safely, your child wasn't traumatized, and tomorrow will be a new day.

Is this your 3 year old? That's why I really don't care for big birthday parties for kids 3 and younger. They're too young to decide if they want to go and half the time they're not even really friends with the kid because the whole class gets invited. Give your daughter a break. She's 3. Stay home and relax next time ;)

I'll bet you were really hoping she was over her fear and this party would be really fun, like it should be. Frustrating and disappointing when that didn't happen. But you stayed, hoping she would just get over her anxiety and join the party. And she just wasn't able to do that yet. You tried, so did she. I suggest you not be as hard on her or on yourself. She will still be able to enjoy many, many birthday parties. She doesn't have to attend bouncy parties. That is something you can choose to decline going forward. I'm guessing in this case, a large group of children were in attendance, so I would not fret that my child's absence would cause the birthday child significant disappointment. I would have politely gotten the gift in somehow, and gently explained or gotten word to the birthday mom that you thought DD was over it, but she is too anxious in the bouncy place, you are sorry she was not up to attending as planned. I wouldn't have stayed, or joined for cake. I think the scripting would be hard for me too in a stressful time. It's OK to tell her "no" when you don't feel in the mood to play that game. I'm sorry you've been feeling so stressed.

Three is a tough age.
At that age my son started going to friends birthday parties.
The first one he went to was at a taewondo place - and he spent most of the party in my lap watching his friends run around.
Finally towards the end he felt comfortable enough to go join in the fun.
He's always been a kid who has to observe how everything works before he's willing to join in.
It's a learning style and there's nothing wrong with it, but you can't push and expect his/her basic personality to change.
They do learn to join in faster - but you are several years away from that point.
Every year through all of elementary school - every teacher conference at the end of the 1st quarter the teachers would tell me how quiet he is and needs to speak up in class.
And then the rest of the year they had a hard time getting him to shut up.

In your situation, I would have told her she didn't have to use the bounce house if she didn't want to - but I'd have scooped her up and sat in the room on my lap instead of letting her run around in the lobby.
If she melted down at that point, I'd hand the gift to the birthday boy, thank them for the party and taken her home.

The scripting thing would drive me nuts and I don't think I'd play along with it.
It's not something my son ever did.
The only kid I've ever seen do scripting was a boy my son's age who was severely autistic - he'd recite Scooby Doo episodes over and over and over out loud to himself and speak of himself in the 3rd person (he was 11yrs old at the time).
Not that your daughter is autistic but that's the only time I've seen a kid do that.

No, I would have dropped off the gift, let the mom know what was going on and left. Other people have kids too, Im sure they understand.

If it had been when I had one child, I would have done what you did. If it had been when I had 4 children, I would have left after 15 minutes.

Stop being so hard on yourself! You didn't do anything wrong :) Now go have a glass of wine or something.

Yes I would have stayed. The party child was expecting her. Anyway, sorry you had a terrible time. Do you have any kid's CD's, that you can turn on in the car? Maybe you can sing kid songs with her, when she thinks she wants to get into script mode. Just ignore her, and turn on the CD and start singing, and ask her to join you. You have to try to figure out how to keep her, from exhausting you.

I wouldn't have driven 45 minutes to go to a bounce house. Especially if I wasn't sure my kid would LOVE it. Just not worth the hassle. Hope you are feeling better now.

It's so hard to say, because no one knows your daughter like you do. My 3 (almost 4) yr old is JUST like me when I was little in that she's very timid/shy about trying new things. There are things that I KNOW she enjoys, but a new environment is difficult for her. My parents used to coax and encourage, and it didn't really work for me. What DID work (and what I do with my daughter now) is to physically bring me into the situation and find ways to have me engage.

So if it were my daughter in this situation, I would have held her in my arms and brought her into the party room when we arrived. She's "safe" in my arms. I would carry her onto a bounce house and show her how much fun I'm having. 5 - 10 minutes later she'd be having a blast and running off on her own.

That being said, my daughter doesn't really have sensory issues (other than not really liking loud noises - again, like me). This works for us....but it might not for your situation.

And as for the "scripting" I agree with others that it's fine for her to play, but she needs to understand that when you say "enough"..it's enough.

How old is your daughter? She sounds very young. I haven't read your other questions, but need to ask whether or not your daughter is on the spectrum? Scripting like that is not atypical, but certainly unusual and very typical of children with ASD. When they don't know how to respond, they resort to a script.

My son was terrified of the bounce houses at 2 and 3. We also drove 30 minutes to one of those places. The place was HUGE, the party was not "private" and it was LOUD. For the first half hour, we also hung out where the shoes are stored. Eventually, he agreed to go on one of the bouncers is I went on with him. After a few rounds with me, he was off and running. Those places are a little overwhelming and I can see where she may resort to something comforting in that situation.

I would have done (and have done) exactly what you did. It IS draining, but I'm willing to bet that the next time you take her to a party... it's a little less overwhelming. Each time it will be a little easier for you both.

The ONLY thing you may want to consider is taking her for a walk outside if she resorts to her scripting again. That's her "tell" that she's overwhelmed (just a guess), so take her outside for a few minutes away from the noise and lights and let her do her kitten thing. Tell her that she has 5 minutes to play kitten and then she's going back inside.

Definitely not worth a meltdown, thought. It's draining, but she needs to see how PROUD you are that she went in for the pizza and cake, not how FRUSTRATED you are that she didn't go in right away.

ADDED: If it makes you feel ANY better, my son had a complete meltdown the first time we went to Chuck E Cheese because of the hand stamp. It freaked him out that they wanted to stamp his hand with "invisible ink". He was 3 and the 8 ft mouse was not an issue, but the stamp? Yikes. It was pretty awful, but what can you do?

I am not going to comment on the going in or not. Kids can get a bug and decide on things like that.

The scripting would give me a headache.

What I want to tell you as an old mama--GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK! Yes, you will go off, scream, melt down, etc. Don't beat yourself up about it! After she is asleep--get the wine, vodka and Coke (my favorite), wine cooler WHAT EVER and chill out! You are human.

Boy, she sounds so much like my daughter. Very sensitive, very worried about things that other kids seem to handle with ease. Someone mentioned being on the spectrum - I don't know much about that - but I do know that kids who are identified as gifted and talented also display a lot of those same sensitivities and OCD qualities (you mentioned scripting as a form of self comforting). It's hard, but the way you described being caught between wanting to do the expected and wanting to appease her is where I normally find myself. Don't feel horrible. You did fine. And I probably would have done exactly as you did and doubted myself the entire time.

How old is she? Is this part of her temperament? Did she want to go in but couldnt bc of fear or was she being fresh? i am glad she was able to do the end part. i had a very hard time w my 4 year old at a party today so i can relate....Hard to say what any of us would have done!

We all get to that point were the stress is just so overwhelming we need a good cry! Don't worry Mamma, you did great here, you allowed your child to face her fear in her own time without pushing her, and that is so wonderful! You are doing a great job, so have that good cry, then take a deep breath and find that smile, because you are doing it right!