Say an old, good friend hosted a big family party every year. Partly catered, entertainment for the kids etc. The past few years your reply had been "maybe" and last year you told your friend you just didn't know if you were up for it. And then you decided to go out with your husband and skip the party - no advanced notice to your friend though. So this year you're not invited. You ask about it and are told the prior year was way too many people so the guest list was cut down significantly and since your last few replies were maybe's, it seemed kind of like a hassle for you. For reference, you also don't really know many of the other people so it's probably not the funnest party for you and it's a ~35 min drive. Would you be mad at your friend? I'm the hostess in this situation. Not sure if my friend - who I don't speak to much anymore and don't hear from often - is mad. I feel a bit badly not inviting for old time's sake but same time, maybe's are expensive. If lots of families are "maybe's", I have to pay for food for them and then it's wasted if they don't come. I would hope someone would understand that. And it's no fun to have people make you feel like your party is kind of a pain or obligation. We have many families who rave about it and we want it to be a smaller party... So we simplified this year. Would you be offended/mad at the lack of invitation?
To clarify bc a couple of people seem confused - she ASKED in an email if we were having our big party...
Thanks everyone - I'm "conscientious" so wonder if she's mad bc she had gotten in touch with a "can we get together for lunch or something?" In that email was also the question about the party. She had called once too. I replied explainign the party and asked a few chatty questions and offered a time to get together as SHE had suggested. And now no word for over a week. She does these bursts of enthusiasm and "I'd LOVE to talk to you!" and typically I'd assign her lack of response to her "she's so busy" thing but given our last exchange included a discussion of the party, I'm wondering a bit. I'll just let it go either way as sounds like I did nothing wrong. So either her issue for being mad or more likely her typical MO of being too busy to respond to my response to HER overture...
"Maybe" friends are a drain...it's like, "maybe, I'll have to see if something better comes up." I can't stand it when people can't just commit.
No, I wouldn't be offended.
I get invited to a cousin's holiday party every year and I haven't gone in the past couple of years because it's late, a 45 minute drive and the party guests are now friends from their daughter's school who I don't know. I think it is a hassle coming up with an excuse not to go every year and wish they didn't invite me! I would feel relieved not to get an invite. It sounds like you sensed they didn't want to come and were giving them an "out"... don't worry about it!
i myself would be SOOO grateful to you for not putting me in the position of 'maybe-ing' or refusing every year.
i'm not a good barometer, though.
:) khairete
S. the cave troll
I might feel a little offended or hurt at being left off the guest list after being included for so many years. BUT, if I had not gone in the past and wasn't ever really committed to it, I would try to tell myself rationally that my feelings weren't justified.
Bottom line - your friend is probably a little bit hurt, but you shouldn't feel bad for cutting her. If you needed to pare down the guest list, she seems like a logical choice to cut.
I'm not sure how I'd feel. But, you had every right to not invite her and your reason (wanting a smaller party) is totally valid. Don't lose sleep over it:)
I might be offended if I were your friend but then again that's a problem I earned, isn't it?
It is extremely rude to RSVP as a "maybe" (unless something is extremely casual). She did this more than once.
People who don't respect or honor boundaries frequently get offended when others insist that they do so.
If she is offended it's a good sign you're doing the right thing.
JMO.
She may be mad, but she has to realize that she is the one who failed to commit all those years prior. People can not expect others to keep paying for them just in case they don't have something better to do. I think you were fully within your rights and if she is mad, oh well.
I wouldn't be offended. And good for you for cutting down on those maybes.
People are so ridiculously rude about not sending an RSVP, or being vague. The right thing to do is commit to a yes or no so that the hostess can plan accordingly. I had considered throwing a big after-Christmas bash, but was very turned off by the fact that people don't respond when asked if they'd attend. JUST SAY YES OR NO, PEOPLE! :-(
Anyhow....good luck with your scaled down party. I'm sure it'll be lots of fun.
No, I would NOT be offended. It's happened that, once we had our son, my husband and I were dropped from a few guest lists for parties that we'd had to say no to (babysitters, timing, was tired and it was an evening party and we just weren't up for it...blah blah blah). We are not offended. We were 'unreliable' guests. We've also stopped inviting a few people to our gatherings once we had a kid-- the guy who always showed up just as the party was ending, the friends of friends we invited who showed up, sat on the couch with their phones and didn't make an effort to talk to anyone, the couple who griped about *how hard* it was to get their life squared away to come and never seemed to enjoy themselves-- I totally understand that quote "And it's no fun to have people make you feel like your party is kind of a pain or obligation." Those people just drag a party down.
It's at the discretion of the host to invite whom they choose. My guess is, if this person wanted to spend time with you, they could do it anytime. Pick up the phone, try to arrange a time/place to meet up and catch up. I personally would far rather meet up to chat for a couple hours than to try and catch up at a noisy gathering. You are off the hook, P.. Let it go and chalk it up to different lives. If she is ever interested, SHE can say "are you still holding those parties? I know things were hectic before, but we're in a better spot, so think of us if you are having one." There's nothing wrong with showing a renewed interest if it's there. Friends are supposed to allow each other a few mistakes and be flexible. That, too, is an option!
Nope, her fault not yours. FYI I consider maybes are a bit rude - people should say yes or no. A good real friend would not say "maybe". So not at all bad on your part.
In those circumstances, no I would not be offended at all.
no I would not be offended.
Nope, I wouldn't be offended. If your friend is offended, it's most likely that she knows she's in the wrong and is embarrassed, but instead of taking her medicine like she ought to, is passing the blame to you instead of to herself.
It's amazing how many people are like that.
Please don't grovel to her about it. She knows she's in the wrong for being mad. If you grovel, then you're giving her permission to treat you AND other people like that...
Friendships run their course and your friend has found other things and people to hang out with that she likes better.
I would put her on the shelf and let it be.
Enjoy your other friends and acquaintances. Life is too short to get hung up on one person. I have had a friend not say why but just cut me out of their plans. It hurt for a bit but I got over it. I asked God to send me a few new friends and have been grateful for the loss of the one and gaining of the many.
Do your thing, you will be all right.
the other S.
No-it is rude to say maybe-the correct answer is no, I'm sorry we cannot attend. She is mad because you didn't succumb to her two year old behavior of not being able to make a decision?
Her 'maybe' answer kind of says that she doesn't want to attend but doesn't want to come right out and tell you because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings. You'll be saving her the trouble of feeling like she should attend by not inviting.
Don't mention the party at all to her and if she asks (which I don't think she would) just tell her that you cut back on the number of people invited because it got way out of hand and wasn't fun because it had begun to be too much work. Ask how her family is doing, wish her well, and get on with more important things in your life.
Sometimes we just grow out of friendships. No one's fault it just happens.
IF the party is no fun and a pain in the waazoo to attend, then who cares if a person is invited or not... I think it's the EGO that is bent out of shape...
I knew this person whom each year was invited to a party for which he felt pressure to attend but was always so busy and really didn't want to go... and felt resentment that he was invited.. then come this year, he decided, ok I am telling "these people" I am not going and they will have to be happy with my response.. turns out, this year he was not even invited.... and now... his ego is hurt and he can't stop thinking about why wasn't he invited..
I think the universe listened to him and gave him what he wanted. no invite...
I wouldn't over-think it... friendships change... as do party invites...
The only time I say Maybe is if I also give a date for when I will give them a final reply.. Example is this week. Received 2 invitations. One for an event tonight and another on Saturday. I sent "Maybe" but I will let you know by Wed.. Last night I accepted, that Yes, I will be attending..
I have hosted way too many events to know that people REALLY DO need to have a head count.. After so many times of inviting certain people, there comes a time, when I realize, if I am going to cut the numbers, these are obviously the people to begin with..
They either never planned on attending, or just cannot admit they do not want to or cannot attend, but also do not respect me enough to let me know one way or another. Flaky people..
BUT here is a heads up.. Transition..
Now that most of our friends now have older children in High School aged children and children are no longer living at home.. A lot of these people ARE now available, but confused as to why they are not included.. I have started planning more Happy Hours to include these people so they can have some face time with all of us.. I also encourage them to start hosting and reaching out to other friends they have not really seen in years..
The more you host or attend, the more you will be included.. and the easier it is to host events.
The person you refer to is not a good friend. She's rude and I would have taken her off the invite list long ago. She has no basis for being offended. Your big party sounds great and something most people would look forward to attending. Forget about her, she's not worth a minute of your time.
Your party, invite who you want.
How would they even know that it was happening and that they weren't invited this time? Are there people who would tell them?
I wouldn't. We actually have some friends of my husband's from his high school days that host an annual event. We have only been a couple of times (and it is a very neat event, not a catered thing at all, but sort of like an old time barn raising event, only it is the finished processing of cane grinding). However, they are about 40 minutes from us, I don't know anyone really (me, husband would remember some of the high school group, but we don't see any of them at all, ever) and it is usually right around Thanksgiving when we have a lot of other stuff on our plates.
We still get invites, and I feel sort of guilty for not going, even though we've enjoyed it before. It's just a little awkward for us, really. And then the timing. I wouldn't be offended at all if we weren't sent an invite next year. But, I would wonder if we stopped talking about getting together at other times altogether.
So as long as you make some sort of alternate plans with your friend at some point, and make a point of suggesting it--at a time/place that might be more convenient for BOTH of you... then I can't think of a reason in the world that your friend should be offended.
I may be offended if I was the hostess. You did nothing wrong.
No, I would not be offended. As hostess, if I needed to cut down the list, those that never come would be first, then far fetched friends, then closer friends. And they should not be offended. If this person is mad because of it, seems like they finally had nothing to do and look at your party for a fill in.
Offended, no. However, it can be painful nonetheless when a long time friendship shifts to a different footing. Even if everyone involved knows that and is fine with it, it can be hard to accept. Being mad or upset is part of grieving and I would say your friend could be grieiving how things used to be but are no longer. I trust that makes sense. In time I think all will be well but you could talk this person. I aired a grievance with a casual but long time friend. We both felt better getting it out in the open. Good luck.
It might sting a little bit not to get the invitation even if I had declined for the past four years, but it wouldn't really hurt my feelings and it wouldn't get my panties in a bunch. Because I'm an adult. And you have valid points. And I've been a hostess plenty of times to realize that.
Unless she stated straight out that she's upset, I wouldn't say anything to her just yet. Just continue with making plans for other gatherings between you. If she continues on with a bit of attitude then ask her what's wrong. Friends talk about these things.
It's very possible that after so many years of declining, she actually had a year where she was available and looking forward to being invited and attending. Of course you can't read her mind. You were NOT a bad friend for not inviting her. And while I think it's silly to be offended, some people would be.
I wouldn't be mad at all.
Sounds like this one friend will be relieved not to have to worry about it.
I'd side with you. I'd be angry about the constant maybe's. Are you attending - it's a yes or no question. Things can't be planned for without a semi-accurate head count.
No, what would piss me off is my friend saying "maybe" and then not getting back to me.
Friendships come and go, this one looks like it is going, going gone.
I'd simply give the reason you did and be done with it. If she didn't care enough to come before then it really doesn't matter if she's offended or not, she is NOT a friend, not even really an acquaintance. If she like you she would have come to your party for nothing more than to visit with you and enjoy that time in your company. She doesn't really care about you. Let it go.
totally acceptable! I only want to invite the people who I know I can count on for a show up with bells and whistles!
S.
I might not like it, but I'd understand. I'd likely be more upset that my actions made you think that I wasn't interested in attending your parties.
