Young Mother Lived with Us for Two Years, Got First Check and Spent It on Self

I wouldn't. She did not spend the money to be selfish, she spent it because for the past 2 year she has had nothing of her own, having to rely on the kindness of others for even her basics (sanitary napkins, makeup) with nothing to truly call her own.

But, now that she has money of her own I would stop supplying her basics and expect her to provide her own.

I would say, "Wow, $400 on a phone, so how do you plan to eat this month?" Then, I would not have any food in the house.

I disagree with those who are beating you up for expecting some tangible thanks.

You tell her straight up..... you allowed her to live with you for two years and I well imagine took care of her child... tough love needs to be applied.. don't shy away from it... It was VERY self-centered of her to spend all that money, let alone on a phone for herself. Clearly she knows she can do that because others will take care of her and her child.. I would set her straight from the get go.. If you don't, this will only go on...

good luck

She lived with her boyfriend who happens to be your SON in your house. She had your grandbaby, who she was only able to have it by having sex with your SON in your house. She got a job because your SON isn't able to support her.
She is not obligated to buy you anything.
Sure, it may have been nice, but you are allowing your son and his girlfriend move into your house and play married couple when they are not at all.
You don't get to dictate how she spends her money. That's between your SON and his girlfriend. You don't like feeling like you are being taken advantage of, kick 'em out.
L.

Sounds like there was no communication or agreement. Since you have been supporting her without asking her for anything in return maybe she thought it was okay to go ahead and spend her first paycheck on something she wanted/needed.
If you expect her to contribute then tell her that. She's probably immature and needs guidance, maybe she was never "taught" anything.
Stop treating her like a child and she'll stop acting like one.

Sounds like you resent her and having to help her. If you'd done this out of love without expecting anything in return you would feel glad that she has ajob.

I also suggest that you would feel differently if you had set boundaries. Did you tell her you would like her to buy you daughter a gift? That is certainly not something I would've thought to do. If you've been doing these things for her without talking about your expectations once she was working then how is she to know how to act.

Have you modeled giving gifts to express gratitude? You've been doing for her out of necessity so that doesn't count as a lesson in gratitude. How old is she? Was she taught these life lessons by her parents? We have to be taught how to show gratitude.

Have you given to her in a loving and nonjudgemental way or have you done it grudgingly? Perhaps she is not greatful because she knows you don't like her. Perhaps she's there because she has no choice.

Do you favor your son and don't expect him to show gratitude. Is he working and helping with expenses? Does he always side with you against his girlfriend? Are they a team? Perhaps she feels like an outsider.

On the surface it appears that she is selfish. I suggest that their couod be several reasons for buying the phone which would indicate that she's not confident enough in feeling loved and that this his her way of loving herself. I suggest this situation could be more about your relationship with her and your son than about her being selfish.

Look at it this way.
She's to a point where at least in a small way she is beginning to support herself.
So now you can back off a bit on offering her as much support as you are use to giving her (that is the thanks you get).
Encourage her independence.
Start discussing when they plan to move out.
You can't tell her anything.

You don't. But if she still lives with you, then you tell her that since she has a job now, she can start paying you rent. If she doesn't still live with you, then stay out of it.

Otherwise, if you give a gift to someone (eg, offer a place to stay for free, offer your daughter's make up her, etc) then you give it freely, without expecting anything in return. Do I think it would be nice of her to give something back? Yes. Do I think you should expect her to? No, that is not part of gift-giving.

I wouldn't. I would say now that she has a job, you want them to pay rent. It can be very minimal, but you can expect her to now contribute. She can pay for her room, she can buy her own kid's diapers and formula, etc. I would sit them both down and try to help them make a plan for self-sufficiency.

I would not put strings on the support. You chose to take care of her. She should be appreciative. But you can't specify how she shows it. What YOU would do and what someone else would do are different.

And it also sounds like your son has better money sense than she does, so I'd let him have that discussion with her.

She got paid and spent her paycheck. She has never been taught to give her money to others. I do agree spending that much on a phone is foolish.

I bought a wonderful name brand smart phone on sale for $99. I got a $100 rebate on it so basically they paid me $1 to take this phone. I like those kinds of sales.

She could have found a less expensive phone if she'd have looked. She could have handed her check over then expected you to continue supporting her.

You need to teach her, not gripe and look down on her, obviously she has had no one to teach her because she's not living at home with her own parents.

Tell her now that she's working she needs to budget her paychecks so she can help out with gasoline, she needs to go fill out paperwork to get WIC because it's free and you won't have to buy more than 1 or 2 cans of formula a month. Tell her to go fill out paperwork for child care assistance so she can get the baby taken care of for free, while she's there maybe she can fill out paperwork for food stamps too, so she can buy her own food.

There are many things she can do and get most of it for free. Being a young single mother is hard and if she's not been taught how to stand on her own two feet she needs to start learning from a role model, a mother figure, and your son needs to help by taking care of his own child too. If there is formula to be purchased he needs to buy it, not you. If there is transportation needs he needs to take care of it, he could let her drive his car, she is his responsibility as it is.

So you want to join your son to bawl out the woman HE got pregnant? Maybe what she needs to do now that she has a job is go to court and get child support from your son and go live somewhere else. Yeah, it will be hard, but at least she would be in a place where she's not living with someone who obviously doesn't like her.

She shouldn't have bought a $400 phone. She should have bought a cheap phone. She has to learn. What you NOW do is tell her that she will need to buy her own toiletries from now on and pay "x" amount of money to you for groceries. YOU put that money aside for IF your son and she get married, and then you give her that money you have put away for her to her in order to pay their deposit and several months' rent for their new place. You don't tell her that.

The only way she's going to learn to take care of herself is to be expected to do it. She got a job. That is the first step. Now you help her take the next steps by just telling her what is expected of her. Do NOT tell her she has to "give back". She has not learned that. She won't learn it from you until she is older.

DP

Welcome to mamapedia!!

Sorry....you expected something and did NOT communicate it. You allowed a girl to move into your home...unmarried to your son...have your grandbaby and now that she's working - you expect her to dole over her money to you? Sorry. You created this mess, in my opinion.

You didn't set ground rules.
You didn't set expectations.
You didn't set respect, etc.

You brought her into your home. Loved her like one of your own, right? Do you other kids give you their paychecks for the stuff you do for them? If the answer is NO, of course not....why would you EXPECT her to do this?

YOU may have done things....would you have moved into your boyfriends home? Shacked up with him? Got pregnant with his baby? I don't think so.

You need to start charging rent. She's old enough to have a baby and work. She's old enough to contribute to the household. These "kids" are acting like adults...maybe they should start BEING adults.

Don't let this go on any longer. Set the ground rules. Set the expectations. And above all else??

COMMUNICATE!!

How about this: When you graciously allow someone to live with you, then allow them to live with you. And not for nothing, but if she worked and earned that paycheck then she earned that money and she gets to spend her own first paycheck any way she likes. It's HER MONEY. Way to steal away her excitement over her first paycheck. Living in your home and being your son's babymamma doesn't entitle you to her money.

If you expect any portion of her paycheck then you need to establish a fair rental agreement. A small portion for token rental plus whatever chores you expect from her should be put in writing and signed by both of you.

And really, if you allowed her into your home because she had no where else to go and offered it up like a gracious gift, then you don't suddenly get to change the rules and expect to be compensated for the gift. Continue to be gracious in your attitude and teach your son to do the same. This is his child's mother and he should be respectful to her.

She obviously doesn't know any better otherwise she wouldn't be in this situation, right? BTW why was she not working for the past 2 years? It was up to you to set expectations from the get go and you didn't so now she's used to this gravy train that you have provided.

Figure out your expectations now that she has money coming in. Guide her don't shame her. Do you want her to give you some *rent* money, pay a utility bill, pay for groceries, etc

It is actually a normal psychological response for a person who is used to being broke to quickly spend money they acquire, often on wants. It is part of a cycle that takes work to break. It doesn't make it right, I'm simply explaining why it isn't surprising.

That said, No, she should not have spent the money on gifts either. That is also a waste of limited resources. Filling your gas tank was the only reasonable thing you suggested, but only if you've communicated your expectations before hand.

If you expect her to start paying rent or chipping in, you have to have a talk and come to an agreement. Let go of what you've done in the past. Keeping score is unhelpful and doesn't matter today. Wipe the slate clean and start fresh. If you can't do that, then it is going to be a really tense future in your home, and she and your son should look into moving out.

How old is this girlfriend? How old is your son? Is the child your grandchild? Has your son been working and supporting the child's needs?
Did she move in to your house with your permission?

If you treat a person like a child and take care of all their needs, then they are going to act like a child and be thoughtful only of themselves. These two have been living in a fantasy world that you helped create. Yes, it would have been rough, them living on their own. But there will be no maturity without pain, no gratitude without need.

People often are not appreciative of things they haven't worked for and do not understand the cost. Especially the young. You don't tell her to be more appreciative. You are neither her spouse or her mother. Stop treating her like a child and she will stop acting like one. Don't give untill you are resentful. I know you love the child and don't want it to suffer. I understand what a loving jesture you made by opening your home. But I've known want and am familiar with the cost of living.

Give her a chance of maturing by letting this couple fly solo. Then your grandchild will have a chance of having mature parents.

Interesting first question....

And I'm not following. You have your son's girlfriend and their baby / your grand child living with your for 2 years for free? Who is the 'boys sister' then? That makes no sense.

I doubt this is the first red flag in this scenario.

How old is the young woman, and does she still live with you?

You sound a little like my MIL, giving past the point that you want, and then feeling resentful. This isn't some stranger, this is your son's girlfriend, the mother of your grandchild. Did you want her to live with you? Was this so that you could be involved with the baby, by your choice? Or did your son pressure you into it?

It probably was wrong for her to spend all of her money on herself and not think of her responsibilities, but apparently she has not been expected to have responsibilities before, so she didn't think about it. Plus, if she's spent two years with no way of even getting herself tampons or a bottle of nail polish, she may have been so glad to finally be able to provide something for herself.

If she and your son are a couple, then they are living together, in your house. The expectation has to be on your son. What do you expect the contribution to be for the family of three living in your home? Why didn't your son provide the formula and diapers? Is he not supporting his family? It is his and the girlfriend's job to provide for their child. They should be paying as a couple for whatever you expect - groceries, utilities, etc. You should not be concerned about how you think that she should repay your son's friends - that's between her and them, and your loyalties should be toward HER, she is the mother of your grandchild, your son's partner, perhaps your future DIL. She IS your family now. And quite frankly, if she has a baby to provide for, buying gifts for others is a frivolous purchase. Her responsibility is to provide for her own needs and her share of the baby's needs, split with dad.

You should not be involved in fights between her and your son. They are a couple and it is not mommy's business. You need to speak with your son to tell him that his loyalties must lie with his partner now. It isn't you and your son as a united pair and she as the outsider. Your son and the girlfriend are the united pair, and hopefully you will stand with them, but if there is a disagreement, his loyalty should be to her, and son should not get you involved in their problems.

You must have invited her to live with you. She could instead have been with her own family, or public aid, or suing your son for child support. She could have worked all this time, she and your son could have had jobs with alternating hours so one could always work while the other took care of the baby. You took on more than you wanted and now resent her. But you are doing these things for your son. It is his baby that you bought formula and clothes for, a baby that he made and is apparently unable to support. Please don't take that out on the baby's mom.

Sorry, I will sound critical here, but you spent two years with her and you never noticed how selfish she was? Unless she was scrubbing and cleaning and doing other things, she actually freeloaded, two years and now you want to say something to her? Your question is how do you tell her? you just tell her. But spending four hundred dollars on a phone right now is a clear sign that you will be telling this into the air. I'd toss her out and tell your son to find someone else. oH my goodness...

I assume you took her in out of the goodness of your heart. You should not "expect" anything in return.

If she is still living with you, it's time to start charging her rent.

If you are a mother figure for her, simply tell her that the polite thing to do when people have helped you out is to give them a gift. She obviously wasn't parented properly, she is still learning things, and it is your job as an adult in her life to help educate her about social graces.

This is not worth arguing about. She's a young girl with a baby and her first real job. Let it go.

I agree with PPs who said If you took her in, you did it to help. If you EXPECTED that she would use her first pay check to repay you, you should have made that agreement up front. If the sister was "lending" her make-up and sanitary pads for two years, I would have thought they'd have been returned by now... if not, they weren't a loan, they were *given* which is different. Same with baby clothes and formula. It was done to help, right. If you didn't communicate that expectation to her ahead of time, you cannot hold it against her that she failed to meet it.

If she still lives with you, you CAN set some expectations moving forward about how she contributes financially to the household since she now has an income. Work on moving forward in a healthy way, not criticizing her about what she's already done.

HTH
T.

First question: Is she still living with you? If so, then I'd require her to make financial contributions to the household's expenses. She should be able to pay room & board for herself, and together with your son, for all expenses relating to the baby.

Are they still in a relationship? Is they are together and if she's not living with you, then I'd just address it with your son and let him know what a sour taste her selfishness has left in your mouth.

If they are no longer together, I'd not address it with her at all, but if she ever asks for anything again, I'd decline, pointing out that she made poor financial choices as soon as she got her first paycheck. Other than that, I'd be quiet about it.

I have to agree, that is very frustrating. But I think the best thing you can do is be happy she has a job and expect her to start taking care of herself. Maybe when she gets settled and her life calms down a little, she will have time to be more appreciative of your support.

In regards to the argument they had over the phone? stay out of it.

If you did not tell her what you expected her to do with the money? Then why was she supposed to give it all over to you? Typically, there are many people who are poor, when they come into money? They don't save it, they spend it on frivolous things.

I'm sorry. But you helped create this beast. You conceded when she brought her stuff into your home and conceded again when you let her stay.

you chose to buy the items. you did not express to her that you expected compensation in return. You have allowed these children to behave like adults and they have not suffered the ramifications of their adult actions.

Obviously subtle doesn't work. Sit her down and be straight forward! Only way.

M.

P.S. Remember "no good deed goes unpunished."

Young people are VERY selfish/self-centered. Unfortunately, that's the way kids are raised these days - to think that their welfare and happiness comes above all else. Young parents, please take note - this is WHY kids need to experience disappointment, sadness, desire, and they need to learn empathy and patience.

I am not surprised one bit by your post. I have had adult "kids" living with me seems like forever and they NEVER do anything over and above what is absolutely required to stay in the house.

My own daughter inherited $25K when her dad died. As soon as she got the money, she went out. We didn't see her again until she was broke. Didn't even offer to buy me a McD hamburger, for God's sake! I would not have let her spend one dime on me, but it sure would have been nice for her to offer.

You need to either accept that this is what it is and what it will be or you need to kick her out. But you can't "make" her show her appreciation in the way that you would like. And you can't change he "me, me" attitude. Hopefully a change of attitude will come with time and maturity, but not always.

It is not your job to parent her, unless that is an agreement that you made early on.

You should have let her know your expectations when she moved in and, especially, when she got pregnant. Depending on the circumstances surrounding her moving in with you, it might have been a good idea to put her on a plan with the goal of her financial stability and independence.

When you agree to help somebody and have in your mind that it won't be permanent, then you have the responsibility to teach that person how to fish, versus supplying them with all the fish that they could ever need and then being offended by how they choose to cook the fish. She could afford to spend $400 on a phone because she is living without expenses otherwise. You set that tone.

Where do you go from here? You have a conversation. Now that she is working and bringing home money, your expectations will be different. In order to stay there, she will be required to pay her own way. Help her with a budget and some goal-setting. Your hurt feelings and annoyance are irrelevant. What matters is what you reasonably had a right to expect, based on who she actually is and what you agree to, not who you wish she would be.