3 1/2 Year Old Niece Touching Herself

Little girls can discover the good feeling of touching themselves on their own. With the family history though, it's good to be extra cautious.

I would consider this a normal behavior, but I understand your concern. I wouldn't scare her parents, but I would let them know. Just so they can be aware. Being curious about sexual parts is normal and isn't anything that should be shunned in young children. Young children should be encouraged to do it in private and also be warned about others touching them. Don't be too worried, but take positive action.

I can totally understand the added paranoia after the 13 year-old cousin incident. I do believe it is possible (and likely) that a 3 1/2 year old could discover that it feels good to rub herself.

Here are the things we've told our boys - 8 1/2 and 4 1/2 - it is ok to touch yourself if it feels good, but it is something to do in private, like your room. No one else should touch you there, and no one should ask you to touch them. It's not ok for kids to do that with others. That's why we call those parts 'private' because they are your own.

The 8 1/2 year old obviously knows more about sex and what parts 'do' than the younger one. It is tough to try and be cautious and give kids the info they need to be safe and healthy, but not freak them out or make them ashamed about the stuff their bodies do naturally and for a purpose.

Best wishes to you!

Just quickly, as long as she doesn't have a rash, it is totally normal for kids to touch themselves. And since she was doing it in bed under a blanket. I am guessing that MOm and Dad have already delt with this issue. My girl is six and she started some time ago. We had to train her to only do it alone in bed. I also did it as a young child. I remember my older sister catching me and so I explained. She thought I was nuts! She is exploring herself in a safe and healthy way. I'd let things be.

Hi Megan-
You are right to be concerned. If her cousin offended against her last year, when she was 2 1/2, then more may have happened than kissing and she couldn't realy tell anyone if she wanted to. I would suggest that you speak with her parents and recommend that they take her to a therapist who specializes in young children who have been sexually abused.
There is a place in Everett called Dawson House that is designed to help kids who have been sexually abused. They may not be in your area, but they could likely recommend someone qualified to help your niece. One thing she definitely needs is some education about appropriate sexual boundaries for a child her age. I think your reaction was appropriate. You let her know she had to stop, but did not overreact.
Also, I hope your nephew is receiving the treatment he needs. There is hope out there for sex offenders- and the younger treatment begins, the better the potential outcome.
Best wishes for your family.
M.

Our son who has the same age does this all the time and I can assure you he has not witnessed any kind of sexual behavior in our home nor on TV. It's just natural for young children to explore their body. We have read about this and have learned to simply ignore it. He doesn't do it in public nor does he do it when he is busy playing. You may simply advice her parents to distract her. I have talked to friends with kids who have reassured me that they too went through this. Everyone agrees that you should not pay too much attention nor ever say to kids that it's bad or dirty.

hope this helps!

Given the history of a cousin.. you have reason to be concerned... though this behavior can be normal to a degree. Kids sometimes accidently find out things that make them feel good and will continue to do it - hey it feels good! Not making a big deal out of it - if it is just a discovery of hers on her own.... will not make it such a big issue. I would encourage her to be discreet about where she does this.

I would definitely keep the child away from the 13 year old though. Or never leave him alone with her.

I have a son who was grabbing himself a lot for a while... he doesn't do it so much anymore. He's four.. so I think they go in and out of phases. Talk to your daughter's pediatrician if you are still unsure You are wise to exercise caution, though and it sounds like you are approaching it sensibly with your daughter... giving her the freedom to come to you when she is ready to tell you anything she needs to.

No one had to teach her... its a sensation a child usually finds by accident, then continues because its pleasant. Most children will investigate this, and will move on to other things. If they don't, then a visit to a doctor or councellor is the way to go. Don't make her feel 'bad' for this... that guilt could cause her more problems in the future than the touching.

That sounds like a tough one, on one hand all Kids get curious about their body's and want to explore other regins of themselves (sorry about the spelling it's early). On the other hand with the 13 year old you never know what kind of things she might have seen on accident. If I were you, i would watch it but not make a huge deal out of it. Find out if she is doing it ALL the time or if she is just exploring her body like I am sure that all kids do. My daughter is 7 and she has occasionally touched herself, but nothing that I can say scared me to the point where i was worried. I also used to babysit some kids that used to do that they were 3 year old twin girls and ended up curious, not abused or weird in anyway. I think it is natural as long as there isn't more going on. Hope that helped.

I actually do not have children of that age, but I have read many articles claiming that that age is appopriate for doing such "touching". The article claims that the children do not actually know or understand what they are doing, it is just a reflex. I wouldn't worry about is too much. She is only 3 1/2.

I agree with Skye E. It is important to take care of this in a professional atmosphere. There may very well be no other issue than she was interested in how it feels and noone taught her. But if someone else did it or hurt her it is important for her to know that is not OK and her body is private especially at such a young age. As frustrating or nerve wrecking it may be - please make sure to tell an agency and let them handle it. You are not trying to be the hero by doing this - you are caring for and loving this child the best way you know how...by protecting her. Hopefully her parents are not offended by your concern and things go over well. Peace be with you!

I think that that is a normal part of development. Kids don't call it masturbation, they just see it as something that feels good. I would suggest not making a big deal out of it, but rather explaining the appropriate places to do this...in one's room in private. I have witnessed my own daughter doing the same, and did just that, and there has been no issue since. Hope this is at least somewhat helpful.

I have a 3 year old daughter and she just recently started touching herself too. It's normal. They are examining themselves and they learn to understand what makes them feel good. It's hard to deal with, I know cause I don't really know the right things to say to her, but I tell her it's for big people and when she gets older she can do that. That's my opinion on that. She continues to do it and more often in the bathtub now. One thing I've been teaching her also, just because she may like the feeling down there is that unless someone is cleaning her poop or pee off no touching should be down there. I'm trying to explain the good vs bad touches. My daughter is an only child and there isn't anything in my house to give her any ideas, although she's at her dads house and with his new fiance and her kids that are a little older, but I remember doing those things when I was about4 and I remember my mom walking in on me and and was nervous scared and asked why I was doing it and if someone had showed me that and I had done it on my own. It happened a few years later and she burtst into laughter that time. When kids see other people happy hugging kissing touching they are curious and want to feel the same way. Kids aren't stupid they are sponges and hear everything, such as people having sex. That's just my experience and opinion, I wouldn't be freaked out it's normal and natural and not to scare you, but if you have both sexes of kids they will show each other and might attempt other things, so all we can do is ask questions and not make them feel like they are on trial and teach them no matter what age they are.

Megan,
I hope you will talke with your nephews' parents and they will get him some help. Do NOT let his actions go with intervention. "Kissing cousins" may be fairly normal and harmless with cousins that are nearer in age and adolescent/teenage age, but 13 and 3 is not. And with his history of other behavior, that's a red flag. Also, you were right to be paranoid - don't let your daughter be alone with him. You have to protect your child. I do not envy you having a discussion with your brother and sister-in-law. Hopefully your husband will be behind you all the way and you can figure out a way to approach the conversation. Good luck.
Sorry I just re-read your letter and noticed that its not your daughter but your neice. So the 13 and 3 year old are brother and sister or cousins also? Anyway, the advice is the same. Be very objective in describing what you saw and what was said without accusations - hopefully they will see that their may be a problem with their son that needs professional (counselling) help.

Angie nailed it completely on the head! I couldn't have responded any better! Way to go!

This is very normal for kids even girls. I remember when our daughter was about that age she used to do the same thing. I remember being taken off guard as well but have read about things kids do and I am sure manyof us did the same thing.I hope her parents don't make a big deal out of it because if they do this could cause a real problem.
I can totally see why you would worry because of your nephew but I don't think you have anything to worry about especially if she doesn't see him.
E.

I think it's normal. Kids that age explore their bodies. But I would mention it to her parents.

I am no professional, but I used to date a retired paramedic who advised me of his young daughter getting it off in her car seat. According to him, it is perfectly normal as a child begins to realize that it feels good to touch herself there. They just need to understand what is good touch and bad touch. What are good secrets and bad secrets. They also need to learn that if they are going to do that - they need to do that in private. I am a 30 plus single mom of a 4 year old boy.

If indeed your niece is being sexually abused this is very serious, and needs to be addressed right away. I suggest meeting with your sister and telling her first, in person what you saw and exactly what was spoken. Then you could suggest that she may want to call the police and seek advice. This is very serious, and if someone is hurting your niece, it is wrong and needs to stop NOW! Your sister may also like to begin teaching her daughter about good touch and bad touch. She needs to know that no one sees her get dressed or undressed except for mommy, etc. Or when she visits the doctors, but only with mommy, etc. And that she doesn't watch other people undress. And whatever else she believes is necessary to say. Perhaps this will draw it out of her(your niece) that something is wrong. Your niece needs to be assured that she is loved.
Though this cousin is known for these offenses, be careful not to be accusative without certainty, be careful how you speak in this regard. But please don't delay, you could save your niece from years of hurt and anguish from not knowing or understanding why someone would do this to her and responding to that hurt. And you may also be able to prevent any further offenses from occurring.

I hope this helps May the God of peace bring peace to your heart, and your family rest believing that the truth does set us free.
Shalom

I was just reading this article from my mailing list from babycenter.com...it was sent to me for my daughter at 35mo:

In the coming months, your child may start showing interest in the differences between girls and boys. If you catch him playing doctor with that little cutie from down the street, try not to react with shock or embarrassment. Just tell the children that penises and vaginas are kept private and steer them toward another activity. They'll probably be relieved, since some experts say preschoolers already have some sense that peeking under each other's clothes is taboo.

Also "self exploration" is very common in children from toddlerdom on... you did a great job not overreacting, and what "policy" do you want her to understand about "self gratification"? that's the point to teach now, like it's ok or not ok, in private, not at all, etc....this type of self pleasure is just another way that they are exploring their bodies, and it's up to you to put a context around it.....most self exploration is self learned, without being exposed to others-but the interaction between children (like the cousin issue) is where you have to be diligent that nothing is inappropriate. And you could bring it up to her parents in a relaxed way, asking how they handle that type of exploration and how old she was when they noticed it, it probably wasn't the first time and it could give you a better idea of when it might start with yours... Good luck!

Good for you for showing control and smiling when you were freaking out in your head. What she was doing is very normal though, and healthy. Of course you might tell her mother only to find that Mom is aware and suggest that she keep this private.
T.

I don't want to scare you or anything, but I was watching a show this last Sunday night where a little girl was being molested and that is how she manifested that something was wrong - she started doing the same things that were being done to her to her mom and aunt. And she wouldn't tell where she learned it! Just to be on the safe side, you should maybe look into the possibility that someone might be doing that to her. These days, you can't be too safe.