3Yr Old Thinks He's the BOSS

I very much want to give you advice...alas, I cannot...I am laughing so hard, I have tears in my eyes!!! You know what C.? You may have a handfull...but you are a darned good writer!!!! I know it SHOULDNT be funny...but you wrote it in such a way.....

Thank you.....

Hey...sometimes, ya got to just laugh at the little things in life!!!

Just wanted to say you are not alone. You could have been talking about my son a few months ago. I will say the book 123 magic has helped in my house. He has started debating less. I am still working on the interrupting problem. He has stopped grabing my face now he stands there saying excuss me mommy I am talking to you. He has also started counting with me which at times is very annoying. I will say 1 and he will continue to count to 20. But we are slowly working on it. I got my copy of 123 Magic off Amazon used for like 6 dollars.

Good Luck!

There is no debating with a 3 year old mama!! You are the boss. Obviously he has been getting away with this for a while and now you are really in for it!! the good thing is he is still young and you can change his behavior.
"John, go pick up your toys with daddy"
Some sassy remark.
Pick John up and put him in time out. Get down at his level and speak to him in a low voice. "john, I told you to pick up your toys. This is not up for debate. You will do it. But first, you get to sit in time out for 3 minutes. When your time out is done we will try this again." Then walk away. He may need "help" going back into time out over and over again, but you do that. When his time out is over you say, "John, you were in time out because you did not help pick up toys. Now, go pick up toys with dad." Repeat as often as needed until the toys are picked up. (with a strong willed child, which I think you have, you may do this for an hour. So, I would suggest starting this early in the evening. Not at bedtime) Also, I didn't see you say this, but saw a woman doing this at the park today. DO NOT promise treats, chocolates, candy, ANYTHING for him to do something that is expected of him. You don't get candy for doing something you are supposed to do. An "atta boy" with a hug is great for kids. Also let him know tha tyou are proud of him for being such a big boy.
John grabs your face to get your attention. You take his hands off your face and say in a stern voice with a stern face, "Excuse me! You may not put your hands on me, and you certainly may not speak to me like that! I will be with you in a moment. i am speaking to dad and you are interupting." Then continue your conversation. If he continues to interupt, go into another room.
You and dad need to be a united front. Can't hide from him and call Santa (which had me laugh out loud, by the way). You both need to discipline him the same way...all the time. Consistency is key.
Goof luck mama.
L.

1-2-3 Magic.
It's about how you talk to him. You don't argue or debate with him. You just tell him: "Get down off the counter." (no whining, crying, begging ==== from you). Just plain and simple. When he sits there (or sits there and says "BUT, I was just.....____") You say to him: "That's 'one'." He keeps on about how he just.... and you say... "That's 'two'." When he gets to 3, you say "That's 'Three', now take 5 in your room" and he goes away to his room for 5 minutes of time out.

That's what the book talks about for stopping unwanted behavior. You need to read it and understand why it works (your son is not a little adult, he is a CHILD, so don't treat him, or let him treat you, as if he is just a little adult). Once you read the book, you will have to explain to your son how it's going to work, and what it means happens when you count him.

It is very simple. And he will get it. So will you.
Best wishes dear.

Stop the debate. One parenting philosophy I'm trying to enact in my own home is "Save the words for happy times". Lecturing or arguing with kids more often than not backfires, so instead, use as few words as possible, but be 'action oriented'. Your son won't pick up toys? Say once in a calm voice "Please pick up your toys, or they will have to go in time-out". If he doesn't comply immediately, calmly start putting them in a bag. He may start protesting at this point, but I would ignore it. Then, put the toys away somewhere for a while (maybe a week). When he's calmer, you can talk more the situation. (E.g., the next day he asks for the toys, you can say "I would love to give you your toys honey, but they need to stay in time out until "X" ... I'm sure next time you'll put they toys away yourself".

Interruptions are tricky, because they are self-rewarding (they almost always work to get your attention). When he does it, you can say in a firm voice, "Honey, I'm talking to X, you need to wait." if he interrupts again, use fewer words "Wait your turn". If that doesn't work, maybe escort him to time out.

Simultaneously, I'd practice as much positive reinforcement on problem behaviors as possible. Your son interrupts you two times, but does eventually let you finish the conversation? Turn to him warmly and say "Thank you so much for letting me finish! It can be hard to wait your turn when you have something important to say, but you did it! Excellent job! Now I can give my full attention to you. What did you want to say?" The idea is to 'catch' them doing good things (even taking a small step in the right direction) as often as possible, and giving them lots of attention for it, while simultaneously giving them less attention while misbehaving.

I've also instituted reward charts for two of my three year-old's problem behaviors, and I was amazed by how well they worked. The reward can (and in my opinion should) be tiny ... its more about remembering to take notice of good behaviors. So, every time he puts his toys away without complaint, you praise him and let him pick out a sticker to put on his chart. When his chart is full, you can give him a small treat (an extra TV show, a trip to the ice cream store, small toy, whatever).

None of these is going to fix the problem completely (he's 3 after all!), but hopefully they would help. Two parenting books I really like for dealing with things like this are "Love and Logic" and "How to Talk So That Kids Will Listen ... ".

Good luck!

Ha ha, that sounds like my almost 3 year old! She tells me to "STOP TALKING!" all the time.
We have tried some things that are helping, not perfectly and not every time, but enough to keep the peace a little.
Offering choices has been a life saver. "Do you want to get off the counter by yourself like a big kid, or do you want Mommy to get you down?" Either thing he chooses gets him off the counter. "It's bed time, do you want to go to sleep in the dark or do you want me to leave the lamp on?" Who cares what he chooses if the result is that he goes to sleep. Always make sure that the outcome of either choice is something you can live with. He feels like he is in control because he gets to make the choice but you secretly always get what you want!
Of course, it's not flawless, he'll start to throw in a 3rd choice that wasn't on your list...just keep repeating the original choices and say, "Those are your choices." as often as you have to.
Now for fit throwing or interrupting or just plain obnoxious behavior, we send her to her "Happy Place," which is her room. I don't care if she is having a tantrum as long as she's not doing it in my "space." Anytime she gets crazy I say "Go to your Happy Place and don't let me see you again until you have a smile on your face." It takes about 1 minute, and she comes out of her room, "I'm happy now, can I come out?" Are you smiling? "Yes!" okay you can come out.
I highly recommend the "Love and Logic" stuff. I listened to one cd and these were the tricks I learned that have helped the most.
Good luck. It takes practice to think of the choices you want to offer but you get pretty good at it after awhile.

I think it is a matter of taking small steps toward change, not big sweeping ones. He is mostly being 3 (or at least how my 3 year old is) and wants to assert his independence. With my son interrupting me/telling me not to talk to who ever, I would just tell him he needed to wait his turn. I also would tell him that he should say excuse me if he needed to inturrupt me. Try to avoid getting into debates with him.. If you say it goes, it goes. Remove him from the counter before he has the chance to give his 5 reasons to be up there. If I phrase something in the form of a question: "can you help clean up" and I get 'NO' as a response I tell him that it was not a question, but I was telling him what he needed to do, but telling him politely. It does not always work, but doing it consistently I am seeing some progress.
It is not easy. Good luck!

Your post made me laugh so much I had to read it to my husband. I have a son very much like yours. At least he has lots of personality! And it's great that you still have your sense of humor!

One thing I learned through Love & Logic is to become a broken record. If he is trying to debate and convince you of something, tell him your decision, then if he keeps trying to convince you, say the same phrase over and over until he gets it and gives up. An example would be "I know, that's a bummer." My son hates this but eventually sees I'm not giving in.

When I described my son's behavior to my Love & Logic class instructor, she said he was begging for structure, which was true. Boys actually do better with boundaries; knowing what behavior is OK makes them feel safe. They aren't going to like it at first though! My older daughter didn't test me as much as my son.

A couple more tips: If he doesn't want to clean up his toys, refuse to do anything more for him. If he asks for something, say, "I'll be happy to after the toys are picked up."

For interrupting, tell him that if he wants something, he can squeeze your hand, and if you squeeze back, that means you understood he wants your attention, and that when you are done, you will talk to him. This might take some practice!

Be strong and good luck!

Just wanted to say I have a 4 year old girl just like your kiddo. I'm going to have to try some of the suggestions you got. I actually thought calling Santa would be a good idea! Just know you are not alone.

Try the book "Kid CEO" how to keep your child from running your life by Ed Young.

I have one just like it. I really started focusing and praising him when he IMMEDIATELY did what I asked...also Love and Logic is pretty brilliant and has helped a lot. As an educator, i thought it was half looney, but as a parent, it works. I also started my just 3 yr old on a good behavior chart where he is recognized for doing good things. Once he gets 10 "rockets" on his chart, he gets a special treat. Once he went to dinner alone w/ dad (I too have a younger 18 month son...so i thought some may be for attention), a piggy bank, a hot wheel, time alone w/ me where we went to get a snow cone, anything LITTLE works too. I think he asked if he could have 5 m &m's once! SHEESH, sure! It isn't 100% fool proof, but it has curbed some of it. AND in the future, we should connect them up b/c mine will debate himself out of a bag...I call him on it all the time and he just laughs...which makes me think it isn't defiance, just exploring his personality! but heck, we could get a new defense team together! HAHA...
good luck.
t

i didn't read all the other advice. But with my toddlers i view obedience as immediate without attitude. EVERY TIME! if you say get off the counter and he says no, then he is already disobeying and should have a punishment. This will take a lot of work and consistency on your part but you should start to see real results soon! you can't argue with a three year old. lol.

C., I love your post. I can perfectly picture your little one debating on the counter, lol

We' re also doing the 1, 2, 3 Magic, as explained by Victoria.
Misbehavior at home fell into 2 categories: the 1-2-3 consequence and the direct consequence for unacceptable/dangerous behavior (hitting, pushing, running under a car).
Our children know the list of behaviors going to direct consequence and their consequence.
For the 1, 2, 3, I tell them what will be the consequence before. For example "stop banging this car on the table or I take it away...that's 1 .... 2 .... 3=taken away" When I just say 1, it means the consequence will be a time out. Always follow up with the consequence and never threat with a consequence you are not willing to follow. Consistency is key. Also, a behavior should always carry the same behavior. If climbing on the counter is a time out today, it should not be OK tomorrow.

You have a clever little boy here! My son has the exact same habit of debating his reasons for doing what he does. And I confess I like this spirit a lot. So, for example for the counter episode. I would have hi going down the counter with the 1-2-3 method and once he is down, I would ask him questions "So, you were up there to wash your hands... Was it efficient? easy? not wetting the counter...? Could it be dangerous? Aren't you safer and ore comfortable now washing your hands standing on your stool..." The point is letting him explain fully his side of the story and getting him to realize by himself that this was not a good idea and better not doing it again.

The 1, 2, 3 magic method has worked so far with 2 funny outcomes:
- when my son is in his world playing and talking to him is like talking to a deaf person, I say 1 and he immediately recovers his hearing and listening abilities
- our 15 month old daughter says only a few words (mama, papa...), including the word "onetwothree"
:-)

I don't have an answer for you since my kids are just 2. however, I recently read this book: "The Well-Behaved Child: Discipline that Really Works!" by John Rosemond http://www.amazon.com/Well-Behaved-Child-Discipline-Reall...
His discipline starts at 3 years old. Its more "old fashioned". He's not big in to "time out" - nor is he in to beating your kids either. His main mantra is to find what means most to your kids and take that away until they get it. He gives you the "strikes" game/program where a kid is allowed so many strikes per day (lets say...for interrupting mommy when she is speaking). Upon too many strikes, he loses his playground time...or has to go to bed right after dinner, or whatever the appropriate punishment might be.

My son started being trying to be the boss when he was about 3 and now he is six. I wish I could tell you that it has stopped completely but I don't think that would be positive either. I will tell you that he does know who the real boss is because we have had lots of run ins. He is a very good boy and puts my parenting skills to the test every chance he gets. Just the other day we had an issue but he does not push it near as hard as he did. We were in a picnic area and a man from a neighboring campground came over and asked if I could give him a jump. I told him that I could help and then I told my son to get in the car. The man started hooking up the cables and my son ran to the front of the car. I just looked at him and asked what he was doing. He told me that he needed to be in the front so he could see. I told him that he needed to be in the car like I told him. He needs to listen to me NOW. He ran right to the car but it was not always like this. I can remember when he was young and I would just tell him each time that I was not playing his games. He ran outside from me once and I walked inside and locked the door. He did not run again. I'm just saying that you have got to be consistent and show him that the battle will not be worth the punishment. I know some kids have stronger will then others but just try to remind yourself occasionally that a little attitude is good. My oldest and my youngest both have strong attitudes. My oldest is a daughter and I had heard so many stories about strong willed girls. I just always told her that she can have an attitude but it is important to remember that I have a bigger attitude. Her attitude has carried her a long way and she graduated high school with a 3.96 GPA.

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I thought you were telling the story of my 3yr old!!
He is just the same. I have bought the books Love & Logic & 1 2 3 Magic. I am waiting for them to get here as we speak! Can't wait! I will say I think it's good for the kid to debate, BUT NOT WITH THE PARENTS LOL! So you have alot of advice & I have nothing to add. I just read through all of this and am glad I did. GL & yes maybe we need to get all of these kids together & get a really good debate team going.
PS as we speak me & DS are debating who's going to put his shoes on! LOL

Hi,

You've gotten some great book suggestions. "How to Talk so Kids will Listen..." "Love & Logic" and "1,2,3 Magic" are all good books.

They provide good tools to put into action.

Alas, they proved too little for my 4.5 yo son. So, we had to find a way to focus more on action, less on words. We recently implemented the Accountable Kids program in our home. I am loving it. It focuses on tasks that the children have to complete to be a part of the home, not master of it. good behavior is rewarded, bad behavior is replaced with good behavior (by not rewarding the bad behavior) and there is even a way to have them get an allowance for completing "extra" chores.

The system allows my son to check his chart and see for himself what needs to be done, so I'm not the warden of the house barking orders all the time. We have 4 kids, so the initial investment was pretty steep for us, as each child needs their own board. But now that we have it, I see that you cannot put a price on a household that runs smoothly.

http://www.accountablekids.com/
Incidentally, my 6yo daughter is the negotiator in our house. I swear that she will free Tibet when she gets older! We have seen a great reduction in this since taking away tickets.

Good luck!

I've seen this often – have been close to many young families with kids over the years. Interestingly, I noticed that the parents who were the strongest disciplinarians had the biggest problems with bossy kids (not in every case, but statistically it seems far more common). This got me investigating further. The parents who give orders with more "attitude" tend to have kids who are more likely to sass their parents.

My conclusion: kids are learning "how" we talk to each other via their parents' example, and then throw back a childish version of same, which, of course, drives parents wild. So the parents crack down harder, and the cycle intensifies.

So, alternatives? I've discovered the most wonderful book, recommended by a couple of families who have exceptionally well-behaved, if not completely angelic, toddlers and elementary-age kids. This is How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk.

The authors have years of experience teaching parents how to help their children identify and communicate their feelings and needs, and participate in finding their own solutions. They also teach parents how to establish their own needs and boundaries in a clear, understandable, and respectful way. Respect generates respect, courtesy generates courtesy, and empathy generates empathy.

My grandson is being raised this way, and has become the most wonderful, thoughtful, and polite 4.5yo boy I've ever had the joy of knowing.

omg!!! my son will be three in a few months and i'm having the exact same problem. i need help too so badly. the only difference is that my husband is in military and he's gone right now. if you find any way to rectify the situation please let me know. i'm so in over my head right now i'm drowning. plus his 18 mth old sister mimics his every move and i'm 23 wks prgnant and have a difficult time chashing them around the house. help! and good luck to you!

I second, third, fourth, to infinity Love & Logic. Gives you step by step techniques to help YOU be the parent.

LOVELOVELOVELOVE this.