5Yr Old Going on 15 - Keansburg,NJ

DON'T YELL, stay calm, consistent and firm, give a quick consequence, and stick to it.

And praise and reward him when he is being good.

It certainly helps to be an excellent role model, but since I am not I can't advise you there :)
He needs to actively learn WHAT to do, not what NOT to do. So he's mad or frustrated or whatever, instead of telling him :dont' raise your voice, no stomping, no whining," help him find other, better ways to express himself and manage his feelings. And it's best done when he's calm, when you're both calm, sit and brainstorm together so that the next time those feelings come up you can make a suggestion.

I find success by starting with a personal example. "When I am frustrated, I feel better when I take 3 deep breaths and walk away for 2 minutes. would you like to try that? Or what about punching a pillow, stomping like a dinosaur up the stairs, coloring really hard with black crayons?" He needs to know that his feelings are OK, but that there are good and bad ways to express those feelings. And it might help keep you from getting so frustrated with his bad responses, if you can focus on urging him towards specific positive ones.

Hi-
My son is 4 and we have similar issues. He does not show disrespect to others but is getting very fresh to our family, and a bit to his teachers when he doesn't want to work on something.

I would start by creating a star reward chart for him. Have you done that (using positive reinforcement). Every time he has a good day with following directions and not using mean words, you give him the star. I give them out as soon as he does something right and I let him put the star on himself. He loves it. When he gets 5 stars he gets a prize.

I also take away his transformers when he is repeatedly being disrespectful and he cries and begs for it back, but I say, "Nope, sorry, tomorrow. Next time think about it before you say something rude".

My son has some behavioral issues and I talk to him ALL day long about it. Maybe some parents would say it's too much, but reminding him to get a good school report (one of our reward chart items) and following directions is helping him to succeed.

http://www.difflearn.com/product/I_Can_Do_It_Reward_Chart...

Here's the chart I use. I highly recommend it. Let me know how it goes if you decide to try it!

R.

He's 5. He's young.

Try the Book: "Have A New Kid By Friday." It is easy to read, and has lots of good ideas/suggestions/problem solving.

And also, a kid this age, well they don't even know how they feel and they can't even analyze, their own emotions. All they know is if they are happy or grumpy. Or bored.
Maybe try teaching him the names for feelings and how to say it nicer.
I taught my kids that since they were 2 years old.
And my son, at 3 years old, could tell me if he was "irritated" or "frustrated" or "grumpy." And he knew... the difference. And that helped my kids a ton... in expressing themselves.

Then, if my kid happens to be real stubborn, sometimes I will just tell them "Mommy, will not cooperate or do what you would like, UNTIL... you redo, your tone or behavior." Then I simply walk away. If they whine or scream, then so be it. I sit in a chair, read a magazine, until they stop and then realize, they cannot piss me off or get their way. I tell them "You know how to act normal... or not. YOU choose, if you want a grumpy Mommy or a nice Mommy. CHOOSE the way you act."

And sometimes, I even told my kids "I will NOT put up with that. Mommy KNOWS what you are trying to do. It will not work. You cannot fool me." and then I walk away, giving them a very stern look with my eyes. They know, I mean it.

I am in your same shoes but I have a girl. She does not take authority well. She challenges any and everyone. As soon as she detects a weakness she's all over it. She lashes out at other children. She starts to become a little bully (and over nothing). I hope you get some good advice, unfortunately I am at my wits end and have nothing to offer except to say you are not alone! Best of luck to you!

.

Oh, it's so hard to get a kid not to whine and yell when we respond to that behavior by yelling! They see that frustration in Mom leads to screaming, so that's what they do. They also don't have the vocabulary to express their true feelings.

Kids need to learn that saying "sorry" doesn't make it okay - and teachers often push apologies in kids too young to really feel remorse. It's more important that a child make amends than feel remorse. I'm not saying not to teach manners, but kids need to learn to look ahead to consequences - and that's hard, since the part of the brain that really predicts well doesn't develop until age 25.

What you child is learning is that, by misbehaving, he gets an awful lot of attention. It might be negative attention, but it's attention. So he needs to be deprived of that. He needs to sit out in the hall if he badmouths the doctor - "We don't allow that kind of talk," you say, and out he goes into the hall to sit right outside the door. Don't hover, don't yell, don't say all the things he's really done wrong. When he stomps and whines, walk away, and say you'll talk to him when he can be calm. That doesn't mean that he can be rude and then be super sweet, to manipulate you. Being nice doesn't undo unkindness.

For that reason, I'd say he can't earn TV back. He's restricted for whatever time you set. The next time he messes up, increase the amount of time he's without TV. TV is a luxury and no one really suffers without it. It's okay if he's up in his room and your are enjoying TV with the rest of the family. But don't throw it in his face - just be matter of fact. I was in teacher workshops with a teacher who used the expression "How unfortunate for you!" When a child refused to wear gloves out to recess, for example, he got one warning - "It's awfully cold and I think you should wear your gloves." If the child refused, he had to suffer and just put his hands in his pockets. He couldn't go back into the school. If he whined, the teacher said, "How unfortunate for you. MY hands are nice and warm because I wore my gloves." End of discussion. The child learns cause and effect. Don't keep rehashing what precipitated the problem. Just reinforce that choosing the behavior means choosing the consequences. He has to learn that he is CHOOSING to lose TV. It's his choice, not your issue. So there's no manipulation that will work. You explained the rules, he defied them, therefore he CHOSE to be in his room with no TV or whatever the punishment is.

It took me a while to figure it out, but I think I've got it. You need to find a way to teach him anger control/management. It's best to talk to him when he's in a good mood about feeling angry or upset. Ask him exactly what does he feel. (ie: Both my son and I feel like the blood vessels in our arms are going to explode.) Tell him how you feel when you get upset, so he knows this is a normal feeling and every body gets angry. Then tell him how you control your anger and why it's important to control it at all times. I know there's a movement that says suppressing anger isn't healthy, but new research is showing that acting on anger is even worse since yelling can set people into a rage. You might want to enroll him in yoga or mediation classes to help. You've also mentioned he's smart....I don't know what you mean by that, but if he is smart to the point of "too smart"...You might want to insist on having him tested for being advanced/gifted. A lot of times gifted children will not pay attention to the teacher, because they are bored and the material is too easy for them. They will either zone out or act out.

Are you familiar with the book Parenting with Love and Logic? That might be a good place to start.