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No. Absolutely DO NOT stay together "for the kids."

If you are in an unhappy relationship...don't you think the kids can see it?

Kids would MUCH rather have two HAPPY parents apart than two unhappy, resentful parents together.

If you leave you will still be in charge of all of the taxes, bills, kids, food, wash, house chores, EVERYTHING, because you will be single. It's not going to lessen your load.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't leave if you're unhappy and the marriage isn't working. But just be honest with yourself about how your life will change (or not).

H.:

Welcome to mamapedia!!! This is a tough first question - why? Because I haven't walked in your shoes. I don't know your life, values, etc.

I can tell you that you are setting the example for marriage for your children. Is this the example you want to set? If not - how can you change it?

I can guarantee you that if you leave without trying to resolve the issues - they will STILL be there. You will still have to clean the house and pay the bills.

HAVE YOU COMMUNICATED WITH HIM???? Have you asked him to go for counseling? Have you told him that you are considering leaving him because of his lack of responsibility in the marriage?

Love does NOT make a marriage work. It's a full time job. You don't get paid for it. There are good days and bad days!! And even so-so days. However, it's a TWO WAY STREET!!! And it just doesn't "happen".

You NEED to communicate with him. Don't ACCUSE - tell him
I NEED FOR YOU TO HELP WITH THE BILLS
I EXPECT YOU TO DO X Y AND Z.

Part of the problem is you have allowed it to happen. You have allowed him to do NOTHING. How do you stop that?
You communicate.
You express your needs without bad mouthing or accusing.
You state your case.
You tell him your expectations.
If he won't step up to the plate - tell him what will happen if he doesn't. DO NOT give an ultimatum you are NOT prepared to follow through on.
Read finance books from Dave Ramsey or Suze Orman. Get your financial life on track. That will help out IMMENSELY. YOU HAVE TO TAKE CONTROL of your finances. DO NOT let them control you. That is a HUGE stress for any marriage.

Step back and tell him - I feel like I'm in this marriage alone. I do the cooking, cleaning and bills. While I feel like I am getting NOTHING from you. I love you. But this is NOT working for me.

DO NOT allow him to just "be there". Get him involved. And tell him marriage is a PARTNERSHIP - I am NOT your mother. I am your partner. I NEED YOU to be my partner as well. MAN UP.

COMMUNICATE.

I can tell you that the problems will still be there. You need to learn how to get a backbone and stand up for your self. If that means counseling for yourself, so be it.

YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU SET YOUR MIND TO!!! You can make your marriage - it will take work. But it CAN work.

GOOD LUCK!!

Uh-oh you deleted your question. You're gonna tick off some people! LOL

Honey--the thing is, since the beginning of marriage, women have "stayed for the children". It's not all that unique or rare and never has been. Remember when divorce was actually scandalous?

You wouldn't be the first and Lord knows, you won't be the last to stay for the kids.

Everyone needs to make their own choice.
If a man is not abusive, unfaithful, etc., has O. nose and two eyes, you MAY be able to make it work...and make it better. No O. is perfect. None of us.
Counseling, alone or together, could really help.

Good luck!

My dad stayed for us. We were always acutely aware, that he was unhappy, because of us. Not a burden a parent should ask a child to deal with. Sure, it can work for some families. However, it's just another level of dysfunction in most. I think adults are awfully assuming, when they automatically think...kids would rather stay in an unhappy family situation...then parents being happy separated. My sisters and I wished and PRAYED my parents would get divorced. We would have rather had divorced, but happy parents. Rather, we had unhappy and together (But not together. Children aren't stupid, we knew they were through with each other, event though they thought we didn't know.) parents, who stayed unhappy for some perceived benefit...to us. The biggest mistake parents make, is not asking how their children feel. If my folks had just asked, "How are YOU?," "Are you happy with life," "If not, what needs to change." If they had asked, they would have realized they were making a choice for US...without asking US.

My sisters continually get into relationships just like my parents. One of my sisters is staying married, because of the kids. They accepted the life we had as children, as normal. I didn't. I think I am the only happy one out of all of us, but it was hard to break that cycle.

ETA: J B, I didn't say "always" (referring to other children) and no one else did, either.

No I left for my kids.

Staying in an unhappy marriage is showing your kids that this is normal. It's better to find a job, save money and leave.

Do you honestly want your marriage to be the model for your kids?????

How will leaving help this situation?
You'll still have to handle money - taxes, bills and everything else.
That doesn't go away by just walking out.
If you handle the money - you know how much there is and where it's going - you can shift funds here and there and hire a maid to come in every other week to take off some of the house hold chores from your shoulders.
As the kids are older they should be doing chores too - which is less for you to do.
There are ways to deal with this situation.
Can you hire an accountant?
Sometimes we're about as happy as we make up our minds to be.
I think you've got a workable situation.
Be an active force in your own life and don't be waiting for anyone to 'rescue' you from it.
Additional:
I've got a friend who's wife is divorcing him.
And if he thought it would make her happy, he'd be all for it.
But she's had a life long fight with severe depression (to the point of sitting catatonic for hours responding to no one - not even the kids) - she's going to be just as miserable on her own - her unhappiness is inside herself.
Seek some counseling and get a physical.
Depression can make life miserable and there are meds that can help.

Okay, seriously, bills? Put them all on autopay.

You can't handle the bills and clearly he can't either or he would be all over it. You obviously have a computer, make it do the work. This is so not a reason to get upset over.

Okay after reading what you just added stay with your husband because there is no way you can make it on your own. It would be very different if he jumps you for doing a bad job, you don't even indicate that. No you say you can't handle something that most of us take care of while taking care of the house and a fair few of us working full time.

MIGHT! I point out that if we are not understanding you it is you that posted this go awful typing instead of telling your child you cannot look at the computer right now!

Eveytime i think ohhh i'm not happy, I think about not knowing what girlfriend etc my kids will be around when it's daddy's weekend. I think about how I"ll have to take the garbage out by myself, all the stuff I'll have to be responsible for and how little say i will have in raising my kids when it isn't my weekend.

so maybe the kids will feel terrible finding out you stayed for them, but believe me they will feel terrible when they can't go with their friends because it's daddy's weekend.. and how terrible will you feel when they tell you they want to live with dad because he is more fun.

It sounds like you need to do some work to make it work again. you can't just check out. especially during the times it seems like he is. talk to some single people who work all the time and their kids are at day care and they still have to take care of everything. I doubt that would work very well for you.

LOL I have to say that I love the responses that kids would "always" prefer that their parents had divorced instead of staying together for them. Really? So every kid of mildly unhappy parents would be OK with a drastic change in lifestyle and financial status? Seeing their childhood home sold so that they can live in a cramped apartment with mom one week and a different cramped apartment with dad another week? Splitting their belongings and time between two places? Possibly move towns and change schools? No longer be able to participate in the same activities because those things are too expensive with mom and dad now supporting two households? Oh and let's talk about dating and step-parents. Yeah, the kids are just thrilled when mom or dad's new boyfriend or girlfriend joins the picture. It's even better when there are new "siblings" to get used to. Even better is when their SAHM has to go to work to support herself and the kids get to say hello to baby-sitters, before school care, after school care or come home to an empty house. Yeah, what an easy life! Great for everyone! As long as mom or dad isn't unhappy anymore, everything else is just fine, right?

Let's stop being so delusional. Sometimes, staying together for the kids is the right and responsible thing to do. Sometimes ending a bad marriage is the right and responsible thing to do. It all depends on the circumstances, and it's all painful. There is no circumstance under which I would have stayed with my first son's father. He's a monster. There is no circumstance under which my husband would have stayed with his daughter's mother. She is a nightmare. Ending those relationships (before the kids were born) was the only right move to make. That said, we're not happily married but certainly not walking away from this. Things are "good enough" for making staying together "for the kids" absolutely worth it, today. If things change then we'll reconsider. But being together and splitting when the kids are grown and you've given them a good childhood can be the right thing.

To you, H., you need counseling. If you're really considering breaking up your family because you have more chores than he does and you don't like paying bills., there is something very wrong. There are a lot of solutions to handling money that are automatic. On-line bill pay means that the bills pay themselves every month. Services like Mint.com track all of your financial effortlessly. I don't understand what you are doing that is so time consuming and stressful. My guess is that your unhappiness is more deeply rooted. Counseling will help you and in turn, will help how you function in your marriage.

Welcome to Mamapedia!

My current husband and I both stayed for our kids. I was married 20 years, he was married 24.

No regrets.
Kids are all grown and fine.
We've been married 7 years today.

I look back and realize that even though I wasn't having "fun" every day, the marriage and the family was ok. It got pretty weird at the end, but we all have a length of rope and I finally got to the end of mine and had to walk.

I had this conversation with my 18 year old sister yesterday. Just about people staying married for their kids. I asked her how she would feel if she went away to college only to have our parents divorce. Say she were surprised because they didn't fight much, got along, etc and she asks our mom why they are getting divorced only to hear "We stayed married for you..." I asked her how she would feel and she said "Terrible!" and that is how I feel. While I UNDERSTAND the idea/concept/financial benefits of staying married to someone you no longer love, no longer want to be married to, etc, I do NOT think you should. I think it's better to be happy and alone than unhappy and together. Think about what you are teaching your children....to stay in a loveless (guessing here) marriage just to keep the kids happy? To put on a false pretense and happy smiles and go to bed each night wishing you were sleeping alone? I would think that would make it worse for the kids if/when you do get divorced in the future. Would you want your son or daughter to stay in a marriage like yours? How would you react if they came to you for advice? What would you tell your sister or best friend in your situation?

I say YOU need to be happy. Sure it will affect the kids and they may be upset/mad/sad, etc. but in the long run, they will be happy that you got out of a marriage where you were not happy.

Good luck!

I'm guessing at the question here after reading the others responses.
Others are saying it won't lessen your load as you will still have bills, cleaning, etc. etc. While that is true - (and I say this as I think I may be in a similar situation) - you will not have the anger/frustration of having to do it all on your own despite having a 'man child' in the midst who should be helping and is rather adding more onto your plate - messes, laundry, etc.

Oh dear! I wish MY husband weren't interested in the money! Read my last 2 posts-in short we are in serious debt! Why can't you work? It sounds like you want to and if you were not around as much he might have to step up alot more. Can you set up the automatic bill pay so you don't have to sit down and pay them every month?

wow I H. your kid reads that his mom wants to leave his dad only because she has to do some actual work. you're not even stating he doesnt give you enough money to pay the bills or there is some major reason you cant pay them?? you J. dont want to? and you'd leave even though you love eachother?

I'm at a loss...enjoy being single, paying bills, working full time, and driving kids back and forth to daycare and still have household chores=)

btw I dont advocate staying together unhappy (obviously since i;ve divorced), it's J. you say your happy and want to divorce for petty reasons in my opinoon

I have an Excel spreadsheet that I use for all of our expenses. Without it, I'd be truly lost! i have it built out through 2013 right now and will do 2014 in a few months. I plan for big expenses this way and stay on track of everything else this way also. It makes my life simple.

I'm a numbers person though.

I have quite a few bills on autopay that I set up through my bank, so if I want to cancel I can do it myself and immediately. Try that.

H., I didn't get to read your post before you deleted it. But, I get the gist of it from the responses below. You have been offered some GREAT advice here. It sounds like you needed either encouragement or 'permission' to either stay or go (since I didn't get to read it I'm not sure which way you are leaning). I H. the best for you and good luck!

I was with you until you started badmouthing people who don't think this is a frustration.

"maybe you don't know.....because you don't pay some things." I do know - I have been solely responsible for all of our financial stuff since day one. That includes the original financing on our home and two refinances, plus all the household bills, medical and car insurance, registration, etc. All the things you said you do. So I do know and I don't get any help and it's not that big of a deal!

Occasionally when things are tight, I will let hubby know and he'll make a point to try to find some side work and not to touch our bank account but that's the extent of the help I get. And again, it's not that big of a deal.

Maybe next time you should wait for responses before you get on the defensive!