Addressing Mean Behavior

I've heard that if kids this age aren't good to a little sibilng to isolate the little one for 2 weeks. They can't be in the same room together even. Then, introduce to 2 together again slowly. It makes the little brother or sister a reward instead of an irritant.

I have a 4 year old boy and 18 month old girl. I was extremely concerned about this when I was expecting my daughter because at the time, he was a very rough little boy. We had biting issues at school and he just was "all boy." I think the biggest thing that I feel helped the situation is that I made him my "special helper" with the baby. Is there any way that you can let him help you whenever you are changing the babies diaper or giving him a bath etc? My son's job was to hand me the diaper and diaper rash cream and if he was home, I asked him to help every time. It did take longer, so if you are not willing to spend the time, then I wouldn't suggest this, but it made him feel responsible. Also, when I gave her a bath, he was responsible for giving me the soap and towel. It was hard at times, but I really feel that it helped him get over his jealousy of the time that I had to spend with the baby. Also, if you can just try to spend some alone time with him so that he doesn't feel like you are always with the baby. The next thing that I did was always reward him whenever he did something nice for the baby. I made sure that he knew I really appreciated what a great big brother he was and how nice it was for me to have a helper since babies are so hard to take care of. Your son just sounds a little jealous and I don't think his behavior sounds that different from any little boy who is trying to get attention from his mommy. My 4 year old is still a little rough with his sister at times, but most of the time he is her protector. I would say 95% of the time, he loves her and 5% of the time she annoys him:-) I hope this helps.

I think you just need to set some ground rules like no jumping, no hitting, no pinching, no throwing toys. Let him know that it just doesn’t apply to his younger brother, it applies to everything (so he won’t be jealous of you “protecting” his baby brother). Explain the new “house rules” to him and then explain that he will receive a time out (or whatever punishment you do) when he breaks the rule. Then when you notice him breaking a rule (even if it has nothing to do with his brother), take him straight to his punishment. You should also encourage him to “be nice” and to “be gentle” (you can even practice this with stuffed animals or other toys) and praise him when you see him playing nicely with his brother or other kids and handling toys correctly. It could be an attention thing; he mishandles his brother because he knows he gets attention from you. He may also be a little jealous of his baby brother who always seems to be under your “protection.” If you are consistent with discipline when he breaks the rules and praising him when he is good, he will eventually learn how to play with his brother and other kids without hurting or pulling on them. Make sure you're giving him the positive attention he needs for being respectful and nice and not just for pushing your buttons.

This method worked for me. My daughter is almost a year and a half and she was going through a hitting and biting phase and constantly screaming “no!” all the time. She got so unpleasant that we finally decided that whenever she hit or tried to bite one of us she would sit in the time out chair for one minute (during most of which she cried, but she got the point that this behavior would no longer be tolerated). When she would yell, “no!” to me, I would tell her, “Don’t speak to me like that. Use your positive words like ‘yes’ ‘be nice’ and ‘I love you!’” I kept repeating those words a lot and encouraging her to be gentle instead of hitting and the use nice words with people and being consistent with the time outs. It took a few weeks, but finally, yesterday, instead of flailing and hitting might like she would have when she got excited, she gently touched my face and said, “be nice,” which was absolutely adorable. We told her how proud we were of her and encouraged her to continue this good behavior.

If you’re consistent, your son will get the message that you won’t tolerate his “mean” behavior. If you lavish him with praise and try to give him positive attention then he shouldn’t have any reason to be rough with his brother. Once he figures out how to act with his brother, this will help his relationships with other kids, too. He is really a good boy at heart, but he just needs some help to sort out his feelings and know that he can have fun and be safe with his brother and that you will still give him the attention and love he needs.

There is a book called Boundaries and another, I think, called Boundaries for Kids... You could check it out at the library. Excellent advice within- for you, and for your kids.

REALLY try to view the situation from your older child's view. When you are with your older child and your youngest cries, do you stop what you are doing and immediately run to the baby? If the answer is yes, even once, don't you think that your older child will have resentment issues. People talk all the time about how husbands will become jealous/resentful of their child because we moms tend to put everything aside for our kids, including our hubby.

You oldest was treated to all your attention, and suddenly it has been split, and more than likely it is unevenly. I am not poking at you, babies take more attention when they are awake. When your youngest is napping, do NOT take advantage to clean up, do the laundry, or anything housework unless you get him involved in a FUN way (yes, you can get yourself a little helper, if you create fun while doing it).

Really use your younger child's nap to give your older the time he wants and needs. Play a game with him (Go Fish, Memory, Old Maid, Candyland, etc) or fold your laundry while you watch a TV program and talk about it. Give him that special 1 on 1 time. I believe he desperately wants attention. When your younger one wakes up, do not stop what you are doing, but allow your younger child to entertain himself for a few moments while you finish up the game. Then announce that it is time to go get brother.

Do NOT tolerate any longer any acts of deliberate meanness. He must be told that this will not, nor does not happen any longer. You will have to punish him in a time out. Do not overfuss the baby if your older son just jumped over or threw something that did not hit, deal with your older one. Don't over dramatize what could have happened, your 3 year old does not understand that he could fall and land on his brother, rather give him a pillow that he can safely jump over (if jumping is allowed in the house).

When does he throw things? Is it when you are paying attention to your younger child? Is this his way of getting your attention focused back onto him? Remember, children that don't receive positive attention will seek attention through negative.

His starting pre-school needs to be given to him as a reward for his growing up, not viewed as a break for you. Assure him you will miss him, and talk about how big he has become. Do not think that they will deal with his being mean for you, because they do not have TIME, they will simply send him home and be viewed as a disruption to the other kids and their learning.

Odd as it may sound, really start to watch what he eats, and cut out the majority of his sweets. It is better for his health and then you can use them for his rewards. Smarties are a great treat, one roll will last more than 1 day, and they usually are a treat most kids like.

Also try to set aside special toys that are just for him, that the baby cannot touch or play with. Just a few, not a lot, but something that he can treasure.

You might want to consider using use one of those circle gated areas to confine your younger child. Explain to your older child that your younger child has space, as does he, and neither should interfere with the other.

Your older son might want to begin teaching your younger son words (something that might help him as well, since he has the pulling issue). Stress to him as the older brother, he is helping to teach his younger child. Maybe he would like to say words, and get that proud feeling we all get when the baby gets it. Maybe guide him with a word and tell him to see if the baby will say it. Don't make it a chore, just a suggestion that he has the right to refuse to do. If he wants to not play with his brother now, there is a huge difference in age; however, once you baby is 2 or 2 1/2, then your older one will find him much more fun.

Best of luck to you.

We also went through this, the older child always having an "accident" with the younger child, who got hurt. After a while, I told the older one that we would have to punish him like he did it on purpose if the accidents continued. They stopped, but the older one said he just stopped playing with his brother, who was 3 1/2 years younger. I don't know if this is true. With my youngest child (of 4) I would take her with me when I left a room, until she could talk. I also taught her to say "Back off." We all would like our children to be close, but I don't know if it is always possible with their different personalities. I was raised in a family where one child was an uncontrolled bully, so I am not a fan of "work it out by yourself". I think it worked to that child's detriment her whole life, and even now into old age. I often wonder if my mother had taken a more active role, if she would have learned to get along with people. She's a pretty miserable person.

I have 2 boys but dont remember either of them being mean at such a young age, however my oldest was 8 yrs older than my youngest son and he would even try to trip him when he was one and just learning to walk. My grandson is now 3 and similar to your son as he has a younger brother. But, he can also be very loving too. Always punish the bad/mean behavior. Pick him up, tell him no, stand him in the corner or put in his room or bed, make him stay 10-15 min and tell his brother he's sorry before he can come back out.

I really hope you get some advice because I'm going through the same thing. I have a 4-year-old son and a 2-month-old son. The older seems to get great pleasure out of trying to hurt the baby. He pulls on his legs and arms, pokes him in the eye, throws stuff at him. I'm also a helicopter mom so I prevent anything bad happening, but I'm constantly saying, "Stop! Be careful!" We left the boys with a sitter yesterday, and I had to tell her not to leave the boys alone in the same room together. I want my sweet, loving boy back!

I am a board certified music therapist (MT-BC). Music therapy sessions for your older son could be a way for you to help him with some of these issues. The sessions could help with social skills, setting boundaries, self-expression, and helping your son to get some of his emotions or aggressions out appropriately in a fun way using instruments and music and it allows him to have one on one time with the therapist or perhaps also with you if you are involved in the sessions. If you are interested in this, a good website to check out is www.musictherapy.org. Feel free to email me for more info or I could possibly help you find a MT-BC in your area. Some health insurance co. will reimburse for MT services, but you may have to have a referral from your child's doctor.

Wow, I really do feel for you! We had a few firm rules in our house and one of them concerned "space". This is my space, this is your space, you don't invade my space unless invited to do so.
Yelling isn't the answer, although I know it is hard not to yell, believe me!!! Instead of yelling speak to him very clearly in a clipped, firm, way when he is doing something dangerous and set up some consequences for his actions.
If you pinch your brother, I will pinch you. Warn him the first time then pinch him back and do it hard enough to make an impression. When he is crying because it hurt put him in a chair and tell him when he stops crying he can get down, no hugs, no I am sorry you are hurt, nothing comforting from you regarding the matter. Remember your husband has to be on board with this well and react in the same way.
I don't think pouring water over his brother's head in the tub is really such a horrid thing. I think it is more game than it is anything else and I really don't see it as being all that dangerous. Remember, that is my opinion only. Instead of driving yourself crazy with this simple do not bath them at the same time. Make bathtime a special treat for each one of them. Their private time to get clean and have fun in the water.
As for jumping, running, and throwing things:
There was absolutely no jumping allowed in my home period. If you were jumping you needed to be outside so if you were caught jumping you were put in a time out chair. He isn't to old for sitting in a high chair with the tray locked in place for 3 minutes at a time. If he is screaming an crying about it then he stays in the chair until he stops.
Running was the same thing.
Throwing toys? Good, then you aren't allowed to play with that toy again for the rest of the day, period.
He may also be doing some of things to get your attention, undivided attention and is a little jealous of the younger child. Do you ask him to do things for the younger child? Simple things like, "would you hand so-and-so this? Would you get this for so-and-so," very often? If so maybe you should stop asking him.
He has to be taught hugging is not acceptable to strangers and people he is just meeting. It is not allowed in most schools. We had a grade school child suspended from school for this behavior after being sent toe office repeatedly.
When did he start this taking and pulling on someone's hand? He has to learn to use his words, not his body to ask someone to do something with him. Again it is a space issue thing, but it is also annoying for someone to grab my hand and pull at me to lead me someplace and I am 57 for a child it is more irratating.
If you believe some of his behavior has been taught by another family member sit down with them, explain how you feel and make it clear this behavior has to stop immediately when around your children.
I have a lug around cat and a skittish cat. Have you taken him to petting zoos, etc? What about pet stores where they have puppies and kittens? What are his reactions there?
Pre-school may be great, he won't be with you all of the time and a different adult will be helping cope with some of these issues. I would explain to them about his pulling on other children's hands etc., ahead of time.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.