Advice on How to Handle Mother in Law

You didn't mention your husband in any of this. Does he not spend time with the kids? Or is his mother seeing them when they're with him? I only bring this up because of the supervised, or no visits, others mentioned. If the kids are with their dad you'll have a hard time accomplishing that without getting the court involved, which could make this very messy. And even if you try that with your mother in law alone, nothing can prevent him from taking the kids to see her.

It's unfortunate that divorce causes people to talk like this. I'm divorced and have never given into bashing my ex to the kids - or anyone else - but he does it all the time. I know how hurtful it is to have your child come back from a visit with a piece of b.s. about you fed to them by someone else.

My advice would be counseling for you and the kids. You can't control what others will say, and you can't be there all the time to watch it, and cutting off relatives from your children doesn't make your kids see the others as bad guys, but you. You need to take care of all of your mental and emotional health and give the kids an outlet for talking with someone other than mom.

My thoughts when my ex trashes me has always been to let him go - not confront him because he only denies it, and not make a big deal with the kids. When they come back with something dad said I ask them if they think it's true. If they do, we talk from there but if not I tell them that sometimes people just talk and talk means nothing if it isn't true. This has been going on with my youngest since he was 6 and he doesn't think badly of me despite the jabs his dad has thrown out. But my oldest who's 22 got fed up and asked his dad to stop talking about me to him. The kids will see the truth eventually, and when you can't change how someone is, it's best to not try and fight on their level. Take the high road, you'll feel better for doing it.

Good Morning D.
Let me start by saying that you are right they are brother's and sister's and always instill this, If your ex mother in law can be so evil, I think you should have supervise visits and involve a mediator attorney pastor etc.
Don't let her munipulate your family. Talk with someone who knows the law and get something in writting, or cancle her visits all together, Don't be stressed be Blessed.
Candi

D., do not allow your sons to spend time alone with that woman if she is pitting them against your daughter. That doesn't mean she shouldn't see them, she should just see them in your home where you will supervise. That attitude toward your daughter is just ugly and unacceptable. She should be ashamed of herself.

Cutting off your children from part of their family would be difficult for them. Even if that part of the family is toxic. Whatever you decide, I don't believe you should go through this without professional help. A therapist would help you & your children sort out your feelings and teach you how to deal. At the very least get counseling for your children. Ask your pediatrician or clergy for referrals. I would then approach your husband & MIL and let them know that you don't appreciate the things that are being told to your sons behind your back. Maybe even a few group therapy sessions would be good for all the adults involved so everyone can see how what they say affects other children. You can insist on this and let them know that if they don't try to reconcile their hurt feelings then you have no choice, but to cut them out of the kids' lives.

I'm sorry that you have to go through this. I know how difficult it is.

Take care & good luck!

I honestly don't believe you are wrong to just cut them off. These hurtful comments will be something your kids will remember the rest of their lives. I would not allow any visits with this women unless you are present to supervise her treatment. How disgusting for her to take this out on an innocent child. You have to do whats best for your kids (all of them) and set a good example of how to treat each others. Unless you need her as an absolute last resort, I would avoid it at all costs. I would say to try and talk to her, but clearly you have done that and sometimes certain people just won't change. Be happy that your kids are telling you what she's saying, who knows what exactly goes on or is said that they haven't told you. I am very sorry for your situation, I can't imagine how tough the divorce has been on you and the kids. Right now these kids need to be in the most supportive and positive environment possible to show them that life goes on and there are still many people that love them. Being with a women that would think its okay to treat an innocent child differently because she isn't a relative is not good for anyone.

Right now you need to surround yourself with supportive people. It's hard to go without the help from the mother-in-law, but it seems she is causing more problems and stress than good. For your sake and the sake of your children, do what is everyone's best interest, and step away from the situation with your mother-in-law.
I also have a child from a previous relationship, and two more children with my husband, and I have no tolerance whatsoever for people who treat my children differently. If a situation arises, I address it immediately, and lay down the law on what is not acceptable. If my mother-in-law doesn't change, then I cut her off, or have very limited exchanges with her. I once went two years without communicating with her (I hate to say that yes, I'm one of those people that doesn't speak with an in-law), but I did what I saw fit and in the best interest of my family.
Your daughter is at a critical age, and acceptance, mostly by peers, is a top priority. Don't let your mother-in-law compromise her feeling of belonging in any way shape or form. You need to give a solid platform for self esteem- don't negate that.
I am a Christian as well, and I try my best to be Christ-like, but that doesn't mean letting people walk all over me or disregard me or my family. Respect yourself and your family.
Best wishes.

Although your mother in law is definately a negative force towards you and your dtr it would be cruel to seperate the boys from your husband's side of the family. As your children get older they will be able to discern the truth. If you do not allow the children to see them you will be punishing the children and the rest of the family. I strongly urge you not to do that. I also imagine this would not go over well with your soon to be ex. For your children's sake I would try to maintain somewhat of a relationship. I have a large family and seen this issue playout before.

I'm very sorry you have to go through this! I can only imagine how hard it must be right now for you and for your children. My first instinct is to tell you to cut off contact with her and anyone else that shares her attitude. But I guess that depends on how important it is to you for your kids to have a relationship with their grandmother. If you want to try one more time, I suggest that you have a talk with your mother in law and tell her straight out that these conversations with your children are inappropriate, and if you hear that she has done it again then you not allow her to see the children. I'm not sure if you are on speaking terms with your husband right now, but maybe you can even have him back you up on this subject. I wish you the best of luck, and just remember that you need to do what you feel is best for your children, no matter what others may think or say!

I agree 100% with Anne! I am so sorry that you have been put in this position by this woman. She sounds like a mean-spirited person who is INTENTIONALLY harming your children by filling their minds with hurtful words, pitting them against one another (like they only have to look out for their brothers, not your dear daughter!) Oh my gosh. I agree with Anne. Only allow visits that are supervised and do not leave your precious daughter in this woman's care, ever! I know that is hard-lined. But, you are the parent and if your ex-husband can't reign in his mother, then you need to step up and protect your children. You don't have to totally cut her off, just supervise each visit. You could offer to meet her for breakfast at IHOP or accompany them to a family gathering. Don't feel that you are being harsh or un-Christian. You have tried to mend fences with her and she continues to be cruel to your children. You are being a loving, protective parent who is taking steps to make sure this time of their lives goes as smoothly as possible! Keep us posted. Good luck!

Hi D.,

First let me tell you, I have been in your shoes and I'm sorry you're going thru this. I'm still having issues with my ex and his mother and we've been separated for 6 years and still going thru divorce proceedings mostly because of his mother. She never liked me from the get, my 3 children are 3 out of 4 grandchildren so you can imagine how that is. My oldest daughter is her oldest grandchild and she got preferential treatment, actually still does, she always treated my son who is 2nd oldest differently, but that has changed somewhat I guess. My kids hated going to grandma's house because of her constant nagging and belittling of me and my children. Alot has happened that I would rather not go into detail (too long)---but reading all of the other moms advice, I agree with Anne - limit your visits to supervised visits only, also seek counseling with a someone you feel absolutely comfortable with to talk to be it a mediator, priest, therapist -- make sure you can talk to this person and feel comfortable with them. Keep us posted I wish you all the luck in the world, you are in a tough situation, just remember to always keep whats your children's best interest a priority! God bless.

Yes you need counseling but with your in-laws! Tell them they are being destructive to your children and their relationship with them is in danger of being cut off unless they go to counselling with you. Then do it! You have the chance to heal all of this but I wouldn't just let things ride. The behavior of your Mother-in-law is poisonous and she needs to see it. Of course, you can't make her but you can try. If she (or both in-laws for that matter) is unwilling then all she cares about is herself (which is what is sounds like) and she has no business being in contact with your children and messing with their minds! Good luck.