Advise on What to Do with My Aunt.....

Sounds like she is struggling to get over everything that has happened to her.
Continue to reach out to her and let her know you're available anytime she wants to talk. And then, just be a good listener.

My mom found my little brother dead at home (at his own hands) 6 1/2 years ago. Today would have been his 25th birthday. It has been really hard on all of us, but especially my mom. The first year or two were the hardest, but even now, she has really hard days. We all grieve in individual ways. For me, I wanted my immediate family close, but everyone else at a distance, BIG distance. I don't know exactly what my mom would have appreciated, especially in the first year, but I think she was touched and helped by everyone who reached out to express their love, especially all those closest to her. You and your aunt have been very close, so you know her best. This is a new experience, so you don't know exactly what she needs, but try to be available based on what you know of her. My mom has been hard to reach at times, but I keep trying because I know by now that she needs that from me. But if it were me, I would need the space. If your aunt is typically the kind of person who needs space in general, or in a difficult time, give her space. Otherwise, I think you should keep trying. She is hurting, and the healing may not have even begun yet.

Back off, put your feelings aside and write her a nice short note tellin her that you miss her and will be waiting for her when she can see you again. Pray and wait. You are sure to be hurting and I am sorry for you. She is most likely angry about a lot of things and feeling real bad. She will come back when she is ready. Be ok with it so there is not an uncomfortable feeling when she is ready.

I would not stress too much about how your aunt is acting because I lost my mother and when I did I wanted to cut everyone out of my life. It's not that I wanted everyone out of my life but I needed my time to figure out where my life was going, what had just happened, why did it happen to me. All of those thoughts were going through my mind and I just wanted time to myself to gather my thoughts and cry all day and night. I didn't realize how well wishes could really hurt you when you lose a loved one but in all honesty, when you lose someone who is close to you, no matter how nice someone means to be and that is family included, you just don't want to hear how it will get better and things will be alright and that people are there for you.

All you want to hear is that the loved on is coming back. Right now there is really nothing you can do but give your aunt her space. She will come back around when she feels she has passed her greiving period but there is nothing you can say or do to make her son come back or to make her feel better about it so just give her the space she needs.

It's very devastating and I feel sorry for anyone who has to experience a loss so close to them. No one can ever really understand how you feel unless they've gone through a similar situation. As unfortunate as that sounds and as unfortunate as the situation is, the only comfort right now for her is god, if she believes. Just be close enough for when she needs you but far enough for her not to feel crowded. She will be better in time.

Hello DK,

You are lucky to have such a special relationship with your Aunt. It sounds like you are close to the same stages in life if you raised your children together? My question is... this, is she alone in the house or is she living with other children? You can still be a loving and waiting niece, and also keep your relationships with the people in her home. Maybe make her favorite dessert and bring it by. You can have a person in her household accept it for her... I enjoy bringing a Starbucks or favorite smoothie on a whim... just a thinking of you, drop off.

I like the little notes too...great suggestions... include a memory of her son. When we are grieving, we are afraid our loved one will be forgotten. Please include a "funny" memory now and then that your cousin did. Keeping his memory alive is great healing power!

My dad died when I was 13, my Mom took it really hard. She was in bed for a month before she functioned. Not only did your Aunt lose a son, she found him! I can only imagine the guilt she must be feeling. There are support groups for traumatic stress.
They say it takes a complete year to start functioning with loss. She has to get through each and every holiday without him. And she doesn't want to celebrate without him. Was your son and her son close? Maybe he can help contact his Aunt. I can only imagine that she would have wanted that very happiness for her own child...

7 months is a very long time to be pushing away family. My suggestion is this... keep close contact with the people in her home. Make sure they know you are still around for them. Make sure she is taking care of herself. Is she dressed every day? Is she eating normal meals? Has she gone back to work, or staying in bed? You can wait like everyone mentioned, but also make sure she is functioning to keep herself healthy.

One great suggestion... make a small scrapbook if you have family pictures she may not have. Or offer to place hers in an album. Let her journal the stories that went with it.
It might offer her a private peace. The only thing she is searching for is inner peace. And that is a gift you can help her with.

Blessings to you, be patient and you will see your Aunt again...

Shell

Hey There DK,

God is Good and I am so happy to hear that you beat such a huge growing disease women are facing today!! Yeah!!!! About your Aunt, grieving is a process that takes time and healing!! I lost my brother and mother-in-law back to back and took care of my mother-in-law and was laying next to her when she passed away in our house!! I was so busy with getting things done that I forgot to grieve!! So 8 months later when everything was said and done, that's when it hit me!! Here it is 4 years later and I am just now facing it, gained 45 pounds during the depression I went through, didn't want to talk to anyone and was "blue" all the time!! I lost 30 pounds and feel so better but it was something I had to go through, not even my kids or husband who was supportive could make me face the loss!! So give it some time, be patient and supportive and send encouragement cards!! It has to be hard, it was her son!! Your family is in my prays and I wish u luck!!
V.

When my husband is upset or hurting, he needs to have people gather around him and bolster him up with words and actions for as long as he feels that way - days, weeks, months, whatever.

I, on the other hand, need to go into isolation mode when I'm really in pain. I have only enough mental energy to get through the things that must be done - work, food, hygeine, child care - and even lunch with a loved one is so exhausting, it can have me in tears with a pounding headache for the rest of the day. It doesn't matter how much I love them or how supportive they are, it just saps every ounce of strength I have left to deal with anything I don't absolutely need for physical survival. I don't read, watch TV, listen to music - all too exhausting. I just go on auto pilot.

When every one of my brain cells stops screaming in agony every second of the day, I can gradually resume old activities. Still, if I misjudge and I'm not really ready, sitting through a movie can put me into a tailspin. And yes, this need to be ALONE can last for months.

This baffles people. My loved ones are always insisting that I'll feel better if I'm doing this or that, if I'm with other people. They feel pushed aside, and they're sure that if I just see it their way I'll feel better. I won't. I've known myself my whole life, thank you, and what I need may be worlds different from what someone else needs. It's not rejection, it's preserving my own health and sanity.

Your aunt may be one of those people like me, and she just can't explain how she feels for fear of hurting you. Depending on the circumstances of her son's death, she may also need to work through almost overwhelming guilt.

Keep e-mailing and sending notes, but keep it light - "Hey, I saw this joke and thought of you." Don't ask how she is, what you can do, when you can meet, or anything like that. She knows where you are and how you feel. She'll come to you when she's ready.

God bless!

all you can do.... is all you can do. she may be still reading your email so let her know that you are there for her,whenever she is ready, and give her the freedom to talk with you or not. The reality of it is that she will never be the same, but she will probably get over this and then she will call you. You have to let it be for now. Don't think less of her just because she is overwhelmed and unable to talk about it. My opinion is that it is because you are so close, that she can't talk right now. It would be too raw. I doubt that she would be able to talk with you without really breaking down and she's trying real hard to hold up....

While I know this is super painful for you, do not take her rejection personally. Right now she's doing what she needs to do to cope. Write her a note telling her how much you love her, that you undeerstand she needs her space, and that you're there for her when she feels she can handle it. Every couple of weeks send her a similar note. Then, leave her to contact you when she's ready, because in her case, she feels she needs to push you away to heal. Might not be what you need, but thank God, you're not in her shoes.

Hey D K,

What I recommend is to just pray for her and continue to call and even send a card and let her know that you are thinking of her. Grief is a personal emotion that we all go through but not the same way. Who knows why she isn't communicating and what the enemy (the devil) is speaking to her, she is the only one that can work through it. If you go to church I would add her on the prayer list, if you have someone who prays solicit their prayers as well. God is the true Healer and that is who I seek first...I hope this helps...N.

I can relate to your aunt a little bit, I lost both my parents together in a car accident by a guy whom was "texting" I have become very withdrawn from the family although we are very close. I do talk with my siblings regulary but I really don't want to go to gatherings. It's just not the same without my parents and for now I just want to be left alone and concentrate on my 2 girls. Try and just say hello and keep it short and don't make her feel obligated to go anywhere that's the last thing she wants to do is put on a face and try and hold back the tears when she's surrounded by everyone. Keep being the understanding person it sounds like you are and just let her know your there for her when she's ready and let her be, she'll come around just don't give up. She probably feels like her son is absent from everyone's minds while it's on hers everyday. Make sure she see's flowers at the graveside if there is one on those special day's and I tell you that's the best feeling to see people came and cared. Good Luck

Your Aunt is going thru a self-preservation stage. My girlfriend went thru it too. Give her just enough space to feel secure, but send a card thru the mail or flowers with a note that says thinking of you. Let her know how much you love her. Continue to give and send encouragement her way to let her know you are there. She will come around. It will just take a little time.
P.

Dear DK:

First of all, I'm so sorry about all the losses you've experienced but I want to encourage you that you haven't lost your aunt forever...things are just on hold.

You've received three messages with the perfect advice. I think these mamas are correct: Give your aunt space but make it known that you're there for her. Don't make her feel that on top of EVERYTHING she's been through, she also has to be your cheerful buddy, sit happily through a baby shower, etc. She must feel pretty beat up right now and not even ABLE to pretend to be okay. Do you know what I mean? You're trying to help her and distract her with happy stuff but it's just too hard for her still.

I also think you're doing the RIGHT thing with the emails. Just drop her little lines and say stuff like, "I heard a song that made me think of you today, blah blah, blah" or "I just baked cookies and remembered that time when we each ate twenty..." Just light stuff like that which doesn't put any expectations or pressure on her.

You sound like a wonderful, caring friend. I have a dear friend like you, too. She's had to (poor thing!) learn to deal with me when I'm down because I also do what your aunt is doing...I call it "ostriching"! I just bury my head in the sand and hide. At first, she used to feel rejected. Now she emails me and says, "I'm waiting for you to finish ostriching because I love you and miss you." I just love that!

Just wait for your dear friend to get stronger and pray for her as you wait.

Best wishes,

M.

Hi DK
How wonderful that you and your aunt have had such a close, loving relationship over the years. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you now, to know that she is in pain and that there is absolutely nothing you can do to fix it for her.
Thank you for posting this question; I think it's important for people to open their minds and hearts on the subject of grieving, as you have. To answer your question "is healing pushing family away...?? the answer is, often times, a resounding YES. You have recieved some great advice here and I think it's all helpful with the exception of one comment which says that '7 months is a very long time to be pushing away family'. That statement is inaccurate (no disrespect to the poster meant here)- Everyone is different and you can't put a timeframe on how long she will need her space. NOw, if 2 or 3 years went by with absolutely no contact, that might be a different story. But certainly within the first year or 2, it's very normal and common to isolate one's self. If you want to help, and I know you do, then please, please please do not continue to call her on the phone. She has made it clear to you that she is not ready to talk. Calling her will put undue stress on her, guilt, etc. I know it's hard, but try to limit your contact to the written word - email or letters/cards sent in the mail. As you have already done, just let her know that you are here for her, that you love her, that you can't imagine what she must be feeling, and try to stay away from comments like "what can I do to help" or "I really want to help" because there nothing you can do and it will exhaust her to try to respond to that. Just say 'I miss you, I love you, I am so sorry for what you're going through, you are in my prayers everyday," etc. Sorry for being so direct and to the point here 'do this, don't do that' but it's such a strong feeling I have on this subject. I had a few well intended family members who just wouldn't leave me alone during a time of intense grieving and it was very damaging for all involved. It's now fixed but it would have been much more productive for them to back off.
I sincerely hope this helps you. You seem like a very loving and caring niece, and I am sure she appreciates that now more than ever.

I lost my son at a much youger age (he was 2) but I go to a bereavement group for support. Everyone grieves in their own way. It may be very hard for her to communicate with anyone. The loss of a child is devestating, no matter how old the child is. Be patient and give your aunt the time to grieve and I'm sure that she will eventually talk to you. I would recommend sending a card or letter expressing your concerns and deepest sympathies and let her know that you will always be there for her when she is ready to talk.

Hi
I'm sorry to hear you are going thru this....I'll assume that she is pushing you away because you remind her of everything in her past....the good and the bad...and for now she doesn't want to be reminded of all that.....she is sorting thru all of her own memories, etc on her own time, in her own way....she needs to be alone with her thoughts....I know you hurt too but give her time...6 months isn't out of the question....just send her a card saying you understand she needs to be alone and that you know seeing you makes her miss the past even more....she'll be fine.....and one day she'll call...but just listen....let her talk and cry.....I wish you well...

I would try sending her cards in the mail every week. Just like "thinking of you " type cards. Let her know that you are always available to talk if she would like to. On the phone, she can screen out your calls, but it is harder to do that with mail. It sounds like she is depressed. There is not much you can do to help her until she is willing to let you in again. Good luck with your situation and whatever you decide to do.

Write her a letter letting her know that you are there for her when she needs you and that you love and support her, and then let it go for now.

I have lost both my mom and (last Sept.) my mother-in-law to cancer. Your aunt is dealing both with her own vulnerability in this life and the loss of her son. In her heart, she knows you care and want to help her through, but it sounds as if right now she just needs space.

The best thing you can do for both of you is give her time and to not take her rejection personally. I know you probably have hurt feelings (who wouldn't) but everyone copes and grieves differently - there are no rules.

While you are waiting for her to come around embrace and enjoy your own life. She'll come around in time. Just let her know you love her unconditionally now and let it be.

Good luck.

Leave your aunt alone. I've experienced what she's going through and what she is doing is protecting herself from more pain. My first daughter was stillborn at full-term. It was the most devastating thing I've ever had to deal with and has forever changed me and how I deal with things.

The last place your aunt wants to be is at a baby shower celebrating your son's impending arrival when she will never be able to watch her son experience the same joy. I lost my first daughter 5 days after my baby shower and to this day (9 years later) will not attend a baby shower (before the birth) for anyone, no matter how close I am to the person.

As far as pushing your family away, I totally understand what your aunt is doing - she is surviving, most likely by cocooning herself and not talking to people who she feels will exacerbate her pain, even if they don't mean to. You can't possibly imagine her pain if you haven't been through it and she is sensitive to everything right now. My family was of little help to me, even though they tried, and I also kept them at arm's length. They did not like it and did not understand, but finally realized that they had to leave helping me to my therapist and the few friends who I allowed in.

Your aunt is doing what she has to in order to survive. She will come back when she is ready. She will be a changed person. You have to respect her needs at this time and just wait it out. Your need and your family's need to help her, no matter how well-intentioned, don't matter. It's about what your aunt needs.

Good luck.

I am so sorry to hear of your Aunt's loss. It is so terrible to loose a child. My Aunt lost both of her children within a few years of each other. They were both just 52 when they died. One had a rare heart condition, and died within a year of discovery. The other was found dead one morning at a friends house. He probably also had the heart problem but just didn't know it. The kind of stress that such loss puts a person under cannot be described. It seems so wrong, so unnatural, for a parent to out live a child. The shock is so sever and long lasting that it would not be unsual for your aunt's personality to change with it. My aunt stared suffering panic attacks after her cildren's deaths. She took the opposite route of your aunt. She wanted people to join her in grieving for some years afterward. She was and is focused on her loss most of the time. It's now been less than two years since her son died, and over four since her daughter. Family members thought she was "morbid and should move on". I know it must be difficult for them, but this is what my aunt needs to do. Your aunt may not feel that she can or should express all the greif that she feels while she is with you or perhaps with anyone. Your son's happy occasion is the celebration of life, her son is dead. The dispare between the two situaltions is probably too much. You are right to keep reaching out, however, she may (by your standards)take a very long time to come out of this. Be open to help her, and keep in mind she may need some perfessional help after such devistation.

I didn't read every answer, but tried to scan them. I didn't read a post that said you should go over and see her. I think you should do that. Take dinner in disposable containers that she can re-heat later, along with some flowers and magazines, maybe some Starbuck's or something you know she enjoys that the two of you can have together when you get there. Yes, she's grieving, but she could also be depressed and need some extra help getting out of it. Talk to your uncle and see what he thinks. In the meantime, stop by and see her once a week. Here's a link to a book that might help both your aunt and you.
http://www.amazon.com/Grief-Grieving-Finding-Meaning-Thro...
Good luck and God bless you for being such a caring niece!

hi d.k.,
you are getting some great advice from these moms! we all react differently to grief. your aunt will never be the same again but the pain will lessen and she will learn to live with it. she may even become stronger & wiser from this. my mother was murdered when she was just 38 & left behind 5 kids, ages 3-23. we all dealt with it differently. i like to move forward & have no problem talking about it but at first i was in shock (i was 13 & now i'm 48) did not want to go to school. my dad was not in the picture & life had already given my whole family many trials at that time. my oldest brother is bitter, my older sister still cries but she is ver strong. the two younger don't remember all that well but it was her parents that were hurt the most! parents arent supposed to outlive their kids & it was not easy for them though they found a way to adjust in life. i reconnected with my dad when i was 30 & 15 years later he drowned in a boating accident. i was thankful to have known him 15 years before he died but feel very cheated all the same. at that point i withdrew from church people, not family. but continued with life & work. my fiance's wife hung herself (she became ill & went deaf then into depression)after 30 years of marriage. he & i get along great since i understand tragedy but two years ago when i met him, he was a mess! his former girlfiend pushed the issue that he & his adult children needed therapy. she made him take down her pictures. she refused to sleep in his house where they lived together...now i come along & since i know what grief is, i allowed him to talk it out as he desired & listened to his past with her & allowed him to grieve as needed. finally 5 years after she died he is normal now but will always miss her, of course! his adult daughter also does this with me & cries while i put my arms around her. he also has an adult son who is still grieving and hard to talk to. his grieving is taking forever but it is at his pace. no one can do anything for him, same as your aunt...they must go through it at their own pace and we must not take it personally & be there with open arms when they are ready. when your aunt is strong again, she can put her arms around a grieving woman & say "i am here for you, i understand!" good to hear your cancer survival story!!! that is awesome! i'll bet you are an encouragement to others!!!

I am so sorry! Sounds like she has been through more than her fair share. I would give her time. Maybe write her a letter and let her know how you feel. Just let her know that you are there for her when she is ready to talk. I would not push the issue to much, people heal differently. My aunt is like that. When she goes through something traumatic she goes inward and will only come out when she is ready. I am the opposite, I reach out to family so it is hard for me to understand, but it is who she is. I can't even imagine loosing a son or daughter so I am sure it will take a while for her to heal. My great aunt lost a son and she was not the same for three years after. I wish you the best, you and your family. (((())))

I does sound like she is greiving, although it also sounds like she is mad at you. People do tend to isolate them selfs,but she sounds also upset with you. Maybe you should go see her ask her if you did something to make her mad at you .

It sounds like she has been a great aunt, maybe your son could ask her to be the godmother of this baby. May I ask did her son die because of his own doings. There are lots of support groups that can help her through this, I know your trying to help, but unless you have had a child die, like hers did, its very hard for you to understand her deep hurt.

See if you can find a support group for her, visit her give her the information, maybe you can offer to go with her to a couple of meetings until she feels comfy going to them.

Bless her heart and yours xo