Afraid of Losing My Voice

Hi L.,
My name is M. I would love to talk with you I have had a little of what you are going through. Please call me if you want to talk ###-###-####

Read The Anatomy of Peace by the Arbinger Institute and this will all transform into the family life you are hoping for.

My heart really goes out to you too. I had a rough time adjusting to being a stay-at-home mom after working in the corporate world for a time and being very independent. It was (and still is) also hard to depend on my husband financially when I worked for so long (I worked all through high school and college too). I'm older than you and only have one child, but there are days when I feel like a senior citizen too, especially since my husband's job situation has been less than ideal and we've struggled. You've gotten some really great advice here. I'll just add that you need to DRESS young too, and also go and get yourself a cute haircut. We sometimes tend to think these are just little vanities that don't matter much, but they do matter. A lot. You will immediately feel better. I don't know if money is an issue for you (it has been for us), but you don't have to spend a lot. Flip through some magazines and find a few cuts that catch your attention, and find a stylist. If you really can't afford a nice salon, just go to Supercuts or something. (I always go to a good salon though...I'd rather forgo expensive clothes or a dinner out and get a good haircut.) If you can afford it, get some highlights too. You will feel like a new person. Go to Kohl's or Ross or any of the zillions of discount clothing places (H&M is fab if you live near one) and just get yourself a couple of really nice-fitting outfits. Again, you do not have to spend a lot of money but you will feel like a million bucks if you make this little investment in yourself. We think we need to feel good to look good, but we sometimes need to look good to feel good. Just take care of yourself, and follow some of the other advice you've gotten here. Keep yourself as busy as possible and find inexpensive activities. Don't feel guilty about getting out of the house. You will be probably be surprised to find that you get more done around the house if you get out and do something fun a few days a week. You'll definitely be happier, and it will show. Finally, where do you live? I am always looking for moms to hang out with!

Dear L.,

When your "love tank" is low it is hard to enjoy anything. I have 3 boys - mostly grown now and have been married for 29 years. I remember when my husband said he had to "translate" for me to the rest of the world because I had been with little ones all day and couldn't talk straight - it irritated me to no end!!

I did three things which helped me:
1. I set up routines to help my husband interact with the boys.
Getting out really does help - even a walk after dinner helps a lot. If your husband doesn't come - go anyway. My husband had a hard time with this age - he just didn't know how to help and how to interact with the boys. I started some "routines" - making french toast on the weekend. It was their job - I made up cards with my husband dividing up the tasks for making french toast - each boys choose a card and did that task - the tasks were little things - take out the bread from the bag, break the eggs, stir the eggs, dips the bread in the batter, etc... It took a while, but everyone felt like they had accomplished something, which was a great way to start the day.

2. I took a break
Sometimes my break was putting the boys to bed - I'd read to them and then bring in my book to read. I'd tell them it was my turn - I read next to their beds until they fell asleep. My youngest often fell asleep stroking my hair...

I also was able to take an overnight a couple of weekends a year - usually to visit with my sisters or a church retreat. Those times I came home to a husband who really appreciated all I did - He just didn't "get it" sometimes because his work world was so different.

Another way I took a break was to take a class - even if it was only 1 evening. I took beginning gymnastics for adults at the YMCA (it was for all us who didn't have gymnastics as kids, but whose kids got to take it!! we had a lot of laughs), joined a small group Bible study, took classes at the local regional park - it was great and helped to get me into the "adult" world.

3. ACT the way you want to be.
Its hard to get out when your husband is saying everyone says you're mean - behave the way you want to feel (kind and loving) and those feelings will come. I know it seems backwards, especially these days, but behavior can generate its own feelings. As you start to act out on ways to be kind to others, you will feel less angry. Ask your boys to help you make that stranger smile - you might have a lot more fun than you expected...

Good luck - your voice will come back

S.

L.,

WOW! I feel so bad for you...you should never have to fell like this about yourself let alone, your relationship. Is your husband as young as you are? I think you both need to go to counseling (together and alone) so you can have some sort of mediation keeping you from getting angry when you try and express how unappreciated you feel.
I recommend that you look into play groups in town. Any Mommy and Me kind of stuff.... That would be a good way to connect with other mothers in your area and you might find a confidant that could help sort through your thoughts and feelings. Do you have babysitters available to you? If you do then take some time to reconnect with old friends over lunch or find an exercise class or anything that you are interested in doing....pottery, gardening, cooking ANYTHING! Even if it’s just to pamper yourself, by getting mani-pedi, massage, or taking a walk on the beach (Wait do you live near a beach?! LOL). Take charge and find some "YOU" time…..we all need it to stay sane! LOL! If you are into it or want to learn, I recommend Yoga and/or meditation....it teaches you listen to the light within and find your center. I think it might help you to find the POWER you have MISPLACED not lost! You are strong....the mother of 3 for goodness sakes and young to boot!! You are in there.....it is up to you to find the beautiful, strong, confidant, woman who is alluding you; I know you have felt her before! Sit and listen to your heart, your mind, your light and you will be found. Breathe, and relax...try to smile at the little things and realize that this is all a part of life its how we chose to deal with the bad times is what determine the good times. Don’t depend on your husband to give you the validation that you are seeking…..find it within and the rest will follow. I send positive, prevailing, loving energy your way…..I hope it finds you

“We can let circumstances rule us,
or we can take charge and rule our lives from within.”

"The grand essentials of happiness are: something to do,
something to love, and something to hope for."

Peace~Love~Light
V.

maybe you wouldnt look mean if you werent so unhappy, you need some "you time" tell your husband your going to visit a friend or get your hair done or something, without the kids, hes the dad, he is responsible for raising your children too, i dont know your whole situation, i mean has he always been like thet or recently? no matter what you and your children deserve better than that! remember everyone does stupid things, its what you do about it, let him know how you feel without yelling, try being sweet, some times it works, men hate nagging so try to sound not nagging. bye the way, if that dont work, id leave his happyass

Dear L.,
You are in the thick of it! 3 kids three and under? Feeling overwhelmed and unappreciated is a given! Life with toddlers is a lot of work but it can be a lot of fun too. I'm going to assume your husband loves you dearly and just feels overwhelmed too, so he retreats. You are in a vicious circle and need to take action pronto! There are so many books to encourage overwhelmed moms. Lots of websites too. Try "Here in the Bonny Glen"(http://melissawiley.typepad.com/bonnyglen/)for encouragement, family.org. for all kinds of resources and flylady.net for commonsense help and encouragement. Flylady is awesome!
You can be the wife and momma you want to be! Keep reaching out and remember - you are loved!

Isn't it interesting that you describe yourself as insecure and easily intimidated and other people supposedly view you as mean. I can see how being stressed, angered, and lonely might enable you to project that image to others. It doesn't mean that it's true and you're a mean person however. I know how my demeanor changes when I am feeling that way. My children and husband certainly feel it too.

It sounds like you need to sit down with your husband (don't wait till you're angry with him) and discuss how you are feeling and let him know he needs to step up, help out, and enable you to find some time for you to interact with other moms maybe or do something that you truly enjoy. Everyone needs some type of outlet or you are going to burn out. The most important thing is for you to have contentment & happiness so your children/family can feel content & happy. We all know when "Mamma's not happy no one's happy!"

It's humanly impossible to have a full, well rounded, happy life when you're completely cut off from the rest of the world and feeling so isolated and undervalued. You need some people in your corner to help you achieve your desire to be reconnected. Hopefully hubby will be understanding of that and be one of those people. Maybe even spending time as a couple outside of the home (date night - even if it's just a walk in the park or window shopping at a favorite store) would be helpful in not only improving your relationship/lines of communication but in helping you feel more validated and appreciated.

I don't think you're wasting your time in your relationship unless you give up on it without doing your best at salvaging it (if you haven't already made that attempt) - tackle it head on, be very up front about what YOU need! Moms put their needs way behind everyone elses (because that's just what we do!), but when you get to this point, your needs have to be recognized too. Good luck and much happiness :)

Hi L.,

My best advice is couples therapy. If necessary, I'm sure there are low cost counseling centers in your area. If your husband won't come, go to therapy by yourself. Also, remind him that if he's smoking in front of the kids, he's slowly killing them.

V.

Very good description, hon. If it makes you feel any better, you haven't completely lost your voice. Way to reach out and still communicate. You're doing better than I ever did. I don't have any answers, just want you to know that you are so NOT alone. I think this is becoming a really cruel aspect of our modern society. I am miserable, alone and unappreciated with a disfunctional relationship to a wonderful man. He's a good guy...just really unlead, uninformed, far too selfish...I could go on & on. But, yeah....I think our society and parents sold us a bill of goods with this marriage deal and its all really wrong, not right and soooo not fair for half of us. I too am trying to figure out how to survive it. Listen to your needs and, please try to figure out how to help yourself. I really don't think that he will be able to. Atleast that is what I have observed all around me so far. Good luck!

I understand how you are feeling. I had my 15 yr. old when I was 21. I got married 7 yrs. ago and we had two more children ages 6 and almost 2. I also am a stay at home mom. My husband has 4 jobs so when he does come home from work he gets tired and usually takes a nap. I feel as if I am the only one taking care of the children at times. One thing i have learned with my husband is that he needs to be told to spend time with the children. Which usually works. He doesn't usually help around the house, but I have accepted that as my role. I have my cleaning day on Thursday's so I get to enjoy the weekend with my family without worrying about constantly cleaning the house. It works well for me. There are always going to be things to pick up around the house, but that's just life. I make sure I have time for myself. When my 2 yr. old takes a nap, then I am outside laying out and enjoying the pool for at least an hour. My husband and i make sure we get some alone time once in a while. We will go see a movie or go to dinner. We also make sure that when we are home on a Friday or Saturday night that we are spending time with the children. Even if it's watching a Disney movie. It definitely is stressful when you don't get time to do the things you want to do. Have you joined a mommy group? I don't know where you live , but where I live there are some mommy groups that have outings and activities all the time, so you can have the adult interaction as well as spending quality time with your children. Most mom's feel the way you do. They plan play dates with other mom's just to have the interaction and to get away from the house every once in a while. I don't know if any of this helps, but you're not alone. You just need find what is going to work for you and your kids. Don't feel bad if you leave the house and your husband is still home. Everyone needs time away. Take Care and remember you are a good mom and you are doing the best you can.

Hello

I am sorry to hear your having such hard time. I have my own business that keeps me very busy I do a lot of Networking. There is a site on line called Meetup.com it is free, that you can search in your area. It has a lot of Mommy groups that meet weekly for park outtings, shopping, lunch etc. They are very fun and give you a chance to meet others get out and take the kids for a play date! It sounds to me that you are lonely ... this will help you jump some of these triumphs you are facing.
Like I said I have my own business that I love and it is touching others daily... it really keeps me busy. Check out my site http://todaymyway.com/ this is something that you can do as well which would help you grow and give you even more opportunity while you do it. Give it a try! I hope this helps you out-
Good luck and all the best!

I know this doesn't sound encouraging, but I must say, it sounds very much like a normal marrage with children. The wife is burnt out and the husband is angry she isn't more like her old self. Its ironic isn't it. They want the kids and then they want you home, but never want to share any of the burden and sure as heck get on you if you don't do exactly what they want you to do. Honestly, communication is the biggest key to marrage. If you can find a way to talk to him, and not at him, and he can do the same to you, you can try to take your relationship back. I know some ladies have suggested counseling. THat is a good start for hubbys that will go. I know from experience that most men will say yes and not end up going, or try to sabotage the sessions. If this doesn't work, try to make couples time. See if you can have date nights with NO KIDS. Hire a sitter or ask a relative to watch the kids and you will feel renewed.
Make a few friends, join a playgroup, church or even a direct sales business, to meet people, and just have girl chats. I think that you will find most married ladies have the same problems!!!! At least the honest ones!!

I thank you so much, for asking your question online. That is proof of how strong you are!!!!!!!

You will never loose your voice... A strong person like you, has allot to offer to your family, friends, and most of all to YOUR SELF!!! You know what to do inside but I think just a little afraid to do it. The more you fight it the heaver it gets. In the end, we only have ourselves to blame.

I was there too; I blame my husband and kids, for all the reasons why I could not do anything! What ever you do- you HAVE to exercise!!!!! Just start a program. Make the time. Go to a kick boxing class or yoga... ANYTHING!! Just get into a weekly program. You WILL see a difference in yourself within the 1st week. It is amazing how fast it changes your outlook on life. You will talk with adults and have a life outside of your kids. You will also get to know yourself again. It is healthy for Mom to have a life. Everyone will fight you in the beginning but in the ends, you will be a value to yourself and family. You are the start to a happy family.

Please keep my email- you can emil me anytime you want You. you have a friend right here.

S. :)

L.,

I know this is late but know one is really telling you the underlining of this story.

Why do you think women wanted equall rights? (not that that was a good thing or bad, but I don't think they expected things to be quit like this).

They went to work when their hubby's went off to war. I can't say that they were treated great, but someone appreciated them. And alot of women work today because they like that someone appreciates them. (I do) Plus my hubby treats me a little better because it makes me a partner not a begging to spend his hard earned dollar wife. But women have decided to stay home and raise the kids once again. I don't think women will ever win. We can't have it all.

Also remember how us women use to pamper our men, then one day we had these little people to take care of and our men were big enough to get their own sandwich. So our whole focus became little people, and we forgot our best friend.
He moved on to: Hanging with the guys, seeing other girls, watching tv, etc. Be greatful his is tv. You must be smarter then I because I didn't realize anything was wrong until 15 years went by. Then my little man turned 5 and I suddenly realized that he was big enough to do things for himself and I had free time. Hmmm where's my best friend lets go out, lets do things together. He just looked at me like I was a stranger, I never wanted to spend time with him before and now I want to change his plans and tv shows. He was not Interested in me in the least. I found myself sad and lonely.

So I found myself on my free time sitting next to him watching his shows and being quite, then on comercials I would talk about the show or the comercials or stupid things it reminded me of. I slowly got closer and closer to him until I was draped over him, he was okay with this slow movie in. We got closer and talked more, then we talked about things that bugged us so the other could work on fixing it. This one was hard because my hubby is (perfect) (in his own mind). It toke alot of me telling him things and him saying what he wanted to here, then me telling him again what I said and what I ment exactly. We now spend alot of time together and we go out on dates, we just had to fall in love again.

Your marriage isn't over, take it slow move back in. Remember: when people (men)have jobs they do their time and come home, their work is done. But a Stay at home mom doesn't punch in or out. We are on call 24 hours a day. So, Take time for you. Instead of destroying someone elses house and feeling bad, invite the kids friends to yours with their parents, get a kiddy pool or a slip n slide, and let the kids go crazy in the yard. While you visit with other moms going through the same stuff. Your hubby doesn't want to hear your complaints, that's what girl friends are for and you need one.

It sounds like your kids need to learn some manors and timeouts, start being strict on rules so you can take them places and not be humiliated. Rules don't make you a mean person, if the rules are kept you will be a nicer mom. Correct. Bribe bribe bribe. If you are good at aunie's house we will have ice cream, or a candy or a picnic dinner. If you are bad you will be on timeout and miss out on the fun the others will have. (also timeouts should be standing toes and nose touching the wall if they look away timeout starts over, they are not to young for this. What I like about this timeout is it's humiliating to stand kissing the wall, while everyone else is laughing at you because you look stupid and got in trouble. Plus it's funny that most of us can stand up and do things all day, but when you are standing toes and nose to the wall for a few minutes standing is agony. Therefore next time when they are acting up you simply say would you like to stand on the wall, they quickly obey.) Try to find a friend that will trade kids with you. Even if they come to your house to watch them. You watch thiers on Tuesday and they watch yours on Thursday. Or trade weeks you one week twice a week then them next week twice a week. You will learn to love your free time and want more of it. This doesn't make you a bad mother for wanting a break, it makes you a better mom because you had time to pull yourself together. (think of it this way, if you have a jar of pennies and you keep giving them away do you not run out of pennies, yes. Same goes for your love bucket (heart) someone needs to add to yours and most likely it will be you. So take some time for you and feel it back up.

As for: you look mean, I think there are a few of us that have a meaner look to us. We can't change our looks, my kids tell me I'm frowning even when I smile because my eyebrowse wrinkle. My hubby told me that his friends thought I was stuck up, because I didn't get involved. (I'm shy, I'm a people watcher not get involved girl). So I have tried to smile more get involved more, and put myself out there more. It's hard, and even some of my close friends have told me: When I first saw you I thought you were mean. But love me because I showed them I'm not. (Screw those first appearances and what people think, prove them wrong). Your face you can't change but your body language you can.

A Quick reminder: What's dirty today will still be dirty tomorrow, so it's okay to but something off a day or 5.

Remember: You are Wonderwoman, anyone who can do 10 things at once, have everyone where they need to be on time, fix dinner with kids at battle, and remember a weekly schedule for every member of the family is a Wonderwoman. You are Great and that's all that matters. Start doing some crazy things, have dinner out side on a blanket, candlelight dinner and cook marshmellows on the candles, have a pin-u-ate' for just your family, have a crazy hair day, or pj day. You are fun it's just lost inside of you.

Best wishes to you, you are loved by all the other mother's who have been there. But you really need to feel up your bucket. Prayers are with you always. Your friend J.

Begin your first step towards independence by voicing your opinion(s), once you establish that your husband, as well as his family will begin to respect you and your opinions. By being more vocal, everyone will begin to change their thoughts about you being a "mean" person and the "mean" look will disappear, due to you be a confident woman. Oh, one last thing to remember, act your age or maybe even younger, keeps you in check and you will be happier, works for me!!!

Awww, when I read this, my heart went out to you. I have been where you are. I often felt irritable when my kids were that age and my husband seemed to be oblivious to what I was going through. You sound so down and angry, and for good reason. Men with the type of perosonality that you are describing often are great at making you feel like something is wrong with you, they play the game that messes up your mind. Don't believe it!! You are fine. You are where most mom's are when thier kids are that age. It happens to all of us. As far as what you can do with him, I hope the article on this website helps you. http://www.watchtower.org/e/20010108/article_04.htm

Ok, most of the responses that I read (I went about half way down) =) had extremely good advise. I know that you are pretty much describing my life up until about 8 months ago. I couldn't change DH, So I left him alone. He would take us to church, little by little I began to see a change in him, I guess that was the way he grew up. So he's still trying to change, but then again so am I. Anyway, I also took my at the time 2 kids on the bus to story time, but didn't really make friends, and we went to church but didn't really make friends. what helped me was when I began to homeschool my oldest (who's 6) so I joined every group available to man! =) And I found a couple that I really enjoy. The kids have made new friends, and so have I. I have found new purpose! So I guess I also look happier (I guess because I am). I go to the parent meetings every month (free childcare) church on Sundays (free childcare) and to at least one play date a week (kids go with me) then I also go to Mom's nite out when ever it's set up.. (I leave the kids at home for this one). I guess once he saw me acting (and looking) more like I did when he met me he was more interested in acting more like the man I fell in love with. (It took about a month) Thank Jesus! =) I really wasn't liking the man he was becoming there for a minute! One thing I will disagree with the other ladies! =) I'm just that outspoken now! =) I don't think that you should slack on the housework. I think that he should have nothing NOTHING to reasonably complain about. Granted that won't stop him from complaining (thats just what they do!) but at least he will see that he is acting like a whiny child & you won't feel bad because you will KNOW it isn't true. I hope that makes sense. Anyway, you do have to lower your standards a little... at least until the kids are older. I make sure the laundry is clean and dry (although not always put away); I make sure the dishes are clean; and I make sure that dinner is ready and his lunch is packed. I also try (but not always succeed) to be changed and dressed when he gets home. & smile! & laugh! I know you dont feel like it... I didn't either. But after getting out of the house... having other adults to talk to and feeling like at least SOMETHING in the house got done. As well as knowing that YOU did YOUR part in taking care of YOUR MAN! It'll make it easier to smile. And guess what my DH is now agreeing to go with me to places... =) It's amazing really! He will admit to having had a good time! =) hee hee Not exactly the life of the party yet, but he's getting it! and I'm not losing my voice 'talking' to him about it! =) Hope that helps. A. (p.S. I'm in the Las Vegas area... you can come with to the play dates.. meet some new people... or even just sit in the fresh air!) email me if interested! =)

Sounds like your just plain worn out and probably taking it on your hubby, causing him to back away. It will be hard but adopt a new attitude. Don't stress so much over the housekeeping stuff. Does it matter if the dusting waits until tomorrow or the socks get folded immediately?
Focus in on your sons and husband the next week. Have some fun. Join a play group, moms club, etc.Get out for a family walk. Set up a date night. No matter how tired or cranky you are greet your husband with a smile and a kiss.
You've both had hard long days of work and need time to relax with each other. Are you being the kind of wife a husband wants to come home too? Bite your tongue when you feel you are going to say something mean. Even ask him to tell you when he can sense your mood shifting and stop the behavior. It will be hard to change at first but feelings follow actions. Your attitude change will bring around a good attitude in him. I used to be mad and angry all the time. It is hard to change but you can do it. My marraige and family life is so much better now. I read Dr. laura Schlessinger "proper care and Feeding of Husbands" and "Proper care and Feeding of Marraige." (My hubby read that one too) They helped me a lot.
You can do it-don't give up... Also, remember to speak kindly and treat nicely, you'll get a lot in return!

Amazing what happens in marriage and motherhood. I am a 28 year old mom of two boys identifying with you in many ways! Look for a mom's group in your area, meetup.com helped me find one, or you could google mom's groups. Being able to identify with others will help you find yourself again, if that makes any sense. Plus it will help you to get out of the house and not be so lonely. As far as the marriage, communicate how you feel about his behaviors. Don't forget to say, "I feel..."

Start going to church, find one that has a women's group with child care, realize that God loves you and eventually these women will too. Talk to your family if there is one person that you can trust. Call a friend and don't talk about your problems, just chat about good things. You are in danger of losing your self, try to smile, be nice to random people--smile if nothing else. find some support and see if your husband responds to kindness. he will, he didn't marry a mean person, and you didn't marry a bum...did you? Do something simple and fun, like a walk with the stroller and laugh about something. your kids will love it, take action. Deb

L.,

Reread Sharon K. and work on changing your situation and don't try to change your husband. What is amazing is that once you do things for yourself you will have a new "air" about yourself. There will be a smile on your face because you can look back at and look forward to that niche of time that you have carved out for yourself. Do not do everything. Especially do not wind yourself around what your husband wants. He needs to get off his bottom and do something also but if you are busy doing it all why should he lift a finger. What is amazing is that with husbands, the more we do for them the less they respect what we do as important. The raising of your sons is the most important job in the world. Relook at it and make it enjoyable for you and the boys and your husband will follow. They will be intrigued by your different demeanor and you will be happier.
I was very much in your situation and a counselor told me I needed an afternoon to my self to do as I wished. One time my exhusband through a fit and got out of the car on a off ramp of the highway to prove a point to me(we were on our way to a movie on our "date" night. Of course I got all worked up and drove off then made circles from off ramp to off ramp trying to find him to pick him up. The counslor said that I should have just gone off to the movie by myself. He was supposedly an adult and could take of himself. That was a bit of an eye opener to me of how controlling and manipulative my husband was and I started to "find" who I was and what I needed.

Hope this helps,
Evelyn

L., L. don't let what's happening to you continue and grind you down. You must confront your situation head on. Start with your husband. Don't do it with anger. Express what you said in you letter to him and with the feelings of frustration,unhappiness,and lonliness that you feel.
He needs to know that cleaning house, raising kids, and looking at tv for recreation is not what defines a happy married life nor does it show respect and appreciation for what you do and who you are in his life and in your children's lives.
Counseling would be a good first step and if he doesn't want to participate then do it alone, for yourself and your self esteem. The way you have been living since your marriage and having the kids has limited your social skills and made you susceptible to "family" taking you for granted. Breaking out of this treadmill existence won't be easy but you have to take steps one at a time, starting with counseling and going on from there. Your husband may balk at the changes and act as if you've become some stranger, but do what you have to do to save you and make you home the place you want it to be for you and the kids. Either he'll come around or he won't and you'll have to cross that bridge when and if you come to it. It's not like you're going to become some femme fatale or big time social-butterfly you just want your voice to be heard.

Get yourself to a nice counselor who can help you become assertive in a nice way.

I have been through it. Remember what your life was like before kids? Your angry becuase you are unhappy,lonely,stressed. Men don't get. Write down the things you have always wanted to do. Get a sitter one day a week. Leave him with the kids. Don't ask just do. If you ask he will find something he has to do. Take a night class. A Dance Class. Find a secluded spot. Go to the mountains,Red Rock when it isn't 100 degrees plus. I drove to the mountain and walked the trails with a lunch,bible or book and just listened to nature. Take a journal to list what is wrong and right about your life. What you want!
Then get a sitter and take your spouse out to dinner and tell him your dream or desires and choose one thing to tell him this is how your going to start. ( the one class a week,etc)
Tell him as much as you love him you need alone time and time with him on a date to talk about where you both want to be in five, 10 or so years. USe alot of (I's) and no (you's).
If he believes you kidding then have the TV removed from the house and see how you reacts. Counseling is really good.
You must have someone to vent to. You need girlfriends that are positive minded. (You must but a smile on your face) Practice,Practice..Look your self in the mirror and tell yourself what you love about yourself. It works.

Hi L.,

I feel for you. It's hard being a stay-at-home mom to 3 young children and having a husband who unwinds after work in unhealthy ways. I notice that you live in Las Vegas, so here is what I would suggest:

There are several mom's clubs in the valley that maybe beneficial for you to join. This will give you access to joining a playgroup, going on structured outings with your kids and a chance to develop friendships with other mothers.

You also need to take care of you and have some "L. Time." The park and rec department hear have some wonderful classes that you can take and they are really affordable. My personal favorite is the yoga class because it is physical and very relaxing at the same time. Also, I don't know about the other park and rec facilities, but the Henderson multi-generational facility has a gym that you can use for a super cheap annual fee, and they have a free romper room where you can keep your kids (during certain hours) while you go to work out.

As for your husband, he seems to have gotten himself into a funk and a change is needed but this is something that he needs to do for himself. There are things you can do to influence him though like suggesting to him that going for a nightly walk before bedtime for the kids would be a good way of relaxing them before bedtime. Or maybe the two of you can start going to the gym together in the evenings if your gym has a romper room available for the kids. If he is resistant to these suggestions, then maybe seeing a marriage counselor is in order.

I hope these suggestions help.

L.

Hi L.,
It's so wonderful that you are reaching out, that right there will help you find your voice. We all have negative voices in our head, it's quite normal. We need to make sure we find the positive, because no one is all good or all bad. If you're beating yourself up it may outwardly appear that you are mean. Process those feelings so you're not owning them as truth. You can do that through writing. My life coach has a website (below) which has what she calls a rinse paper. There are a couple books I would also like to suggest to you. Embracing Ourselves, Embracing Your Inner Critic, and Invisible Warfare by Mona Miller, book and workbook. I can send you the Invisible Warfare book and workbook (free) if you are interested. You can go to monamiller.com and check out her radio show (this Sunday's show is based on your topic) and get the rinse sheet off the forums link.
Maybe you could also join some play groups so you can interact with other moms who can understand where your coming from and give you the adult stimulus you need.

Good luck to you and send me your address if you would like the book and workbook.
____@____.com
S. G.

Sounds as if you need some outside time on your own so that you can be social with other people. I don't know where you live or if you can afford it, maybe take some kind of short class through your county's parks & recreation dept, or your city's P & R dept. With a positive outlook and good expectations, the outside social influence may be helpful. The activity could be in the early evening when your husband could interact with the children. Libraries are a good resource, also. Take your kids to story time and mingle with the other parents. Try to smile and listen to others without trying to figure out what they will say next or what your response will be. While you are at the library, look for some audio books so that you (and your children) can listen to someone else speaking in your home. Challenge yourself with an audio book for your age so you will hear different vocabulary. Take your kids to church! It is free!!

I think every mom of young kids goes through this, I know I did. The best thing I can suggest is to pack up the stroller and get out of the house!
Find a play group in your area-I know a lot of moms do that, and I think there's a way to network on this site. Go to the mall and just walk around, go to the beach and just walk, I know the libraries have toddler story times, go to that. Be out amongst real live people.
And if you don't have a car, that's okay. I had to take my oldest boy on the bus the first fives years of his existence.
You need to take care of you. If your husband just wants to sit around, fine. Let him, but you don't have to follow suit. If you aren't home to make dinner some night then it looks like he'll have to do it himself...if he runs out of clean underwear...well then maybe he can wash some himself.
Stand up for yourself girl, no one else can do it for you, and your boys will benefit by seeing that women weren't just put on this earth to be doormats.
Take Care!