Am I Being Petty? - Springfield,OR

Ditto to S H
And good for you taking the high road, even though it's irritating, it's NOT worth making a stink over!

You can go with the flow or you can make a big stink and become THAT high maintenence person in the family. Honestly, if the baby becomes an issue then maybe a change can/will be made then and there.

Yes. I would feel angry too! I would definitely talk to the inlaws even if its uncomfortable. Do it so you feel better about it. If the arrangement just isn't suitable to you, insist on changing it. Playing favorites in families is not ok and the other family member shouldn't get better treatment because they are more particular. You have a baby! You need the bigger room. Hope this helps.GL

M

I don't think you're getting walked on. I get why you're irritated, but it seems to me that it is more of a compliment, a sort of weird and irritating compliment that you'd rather not have, but one none the less. ;) It seems the in laws think of you as rational, easy going and compromising...all good things. It does suck for you b/c I don't think you should have to be 'punished' for being 'normal' but at least they appreciate you! If BIL and SIL are as high maintenence and bitchy as they appear you should be happy to stay with the parents...and it's them that I feel are getting walked on, by the way, which is not right!

Well I can see where you would feel bad about this. But on the outside looking in, I am seeing what your MIL thinks of you. She must think a lot of you, and think that you are pretty easy going, or she wouldn't put you in the place she did. She must feel like she has to give the other siblings the best or they will complain and cause a fit about it. You also say that you guys are the ones that take care of them when they are sick. Don't worry, they will take care of you guys someday too - if you know what I mean - because rest assured they are keeping tabs on who is there for them and who doesn't ruffle the feathers. I would go with your husband on this one, take it as a compliment. You could also think of it this way - your MIL would rather have you in her wing than your SIL. Hope you have a good time.
Edit - I see that you are actually talking about your Aunt not MIL but I still feel the same way, she must prefer you!

I, like your husband, suggest you take it as a compliment.

Let it go and have fun. You're not being walked on, you are just kinder, more mellow people. Be happy you're that way, and don't start changing.

I would very graciously thank them for the offer, but then I'd get a hotel suite and let them know that you are doing so because you need more privacy/space for your baby's sleeping needs.

my feelings wouldn't be hurt - i would be more irritated than hurt.

While it's great that aunt has a huge house to "house" family- if I had company that had a baby - one that is still not sleeping the night through? I would give them the most privacy as I wouldn't want to be in the room when the baby woke up...that's ME!!!

If I could afford it - I would get a hotel room - thanks for the invite but we have a baby that gets up twice at night and I don't want to disturb anyone! :)

Don't let yourself be a door mat. ONLY YOU CAN ALLOW people to treat you poorly...

Ah, but you get your in-laws all to yourself - nice bonding, family time, and they will be there to help with the children.

Much better deal you are getting IMHO.

Besides, how much time will you really be spending in the room? Get out, have fun and just use the room as a place to crash and sleep.

And know that you are the family member that everyone likes better than the BIL because you are the one that is easier to get along with.

This really doesn't sound like it's about you at all, so there's probably nothing worth feeling "disrespected" about. This is about the parents pandering to the son who they don't get to see as often as they wish. They hope, perhaps unconsciously, that by giving him and his wife special treatment, he will appreciate them and love them more. It's a common dynamic – I have a variation of that in my own family. It is what it is, and my feeling pain over it won't get me anything but my own pain.

On the topic of 'feeling' disrespected, unappreciated, unrecognized, or similar dynamics, those are really not feelings at all. They are complex bundles of thoughts and ideas and beliefs, and we can be free of them if we learn to recognize them for what they are. Feelings (joy, sadness, fear, anger, satisfaction, loneliness) are always authentic and valid. We don't get to choose them – they come and go as they will. But the THOUGHTS we hold are within our reach. We can notice them, reconsider them, change them, and be much happier!

I think its a great compliment to you. Im sure there is some eye rolling going on when they talk about how particular the others are. I never want to be THAT girl, if you know what I mean. Sure, she gets her way, but who wants to be around her.

Ouch, my ruby slippers are too tight and my diamond tiara is too heavy... In other words, be grateful for what you have. You're being given very, very kind and generous treatment. Why are you comparing what you have to what someone else has? Of course your feelings are hurt. So stop comparing.

It would bug me, because I'm all about what is "fair" -- especially in families. But then, I remind myself that not everything is even Steven in life and sometimes things just are what they are. This has happened in our family, too, to a certain extent where my brother shows up at the vacation house first and grabs the best bedroom for his family. It irks, but you can't dwell on it and let it ruin your time together.

I like my in-laws but I can not imagine sharing a room with them for the night. I think your husband should specifically ask for the private room since you have a really good reason for needing it.

I bet your inlaws dont want to be stuck with your brother and his wife and kid. They know you and your kids will be easier to get along with and share better. Id be happy about it.

You don't want to be "that" DIL, do you? I think your husband has the right idea.

I'm confused b/c first you said you'd like to have the private room because your youngest is up at night and takes two naps during the day...then you offer that the parents take the private room and you share with SIL & BIL and their 3 yo?
Figure out what bothers you more--you NOT having a private room or them having O.?
Just go and have fun--after all this is an aunt's house--not your in-laws, right?

I wouldn't have hurt feelings.
But it is irritating.
Why can't everyone take turns, having the nice private room?

Oh well!
That is not how it is.

Obviously, the other brother is favored... or he tells his Aunt and/or parents HE wants a private room. So he gets it.

I agree with Cheryl and would be irritated.

Over all I think you should just go and try to have the best possilbe time. Enjoy your family time because it will be gone before you know it.

How do your inlaws feel about this? would they rather share with you and your baby or pain in the neck BIL? could be that's the issue, they'd rather help you with your little ones then be stuck with HIM.
IF possible get their first and check out the lay of the land, if I had a nine month old who needed two naps a day I'd choose the best place for him to nap and then sweetly ask for that room because you dont want to inconvenience anyone with a cranky baby. Poor overtired baby should trump pain in the nick BIL, IF you speak up and play your trump card

It is annoying, but it sure does sound like a compliment. The in-laws feel more comfortable with you. I bet is has nothing to do with respect and more to do with avoiding conflict. I'm sorry you always get the small room though. Sometimes it's nice to feel pampered.

Is it possible that your in-laws would much rather share a room with your family and that has influenced their choice? They prefer your company.

But, I think I might feel upset too. And all I think you can do is speak up about your own needs. It can be good to be heard, so go ahead and try. If you feel like you are getting walked on, those feelings count. I am not so sure that is a sign of pettiness, just frustration.

You know your in-laws are non-confrontational, sounds like a lot of this has to do with their comfort level, NOT with how they feel about you. I'm sure they love you lots. This might not be about disrespect at all.

i would feel slighted too but i came to the same conclusion as everybody else. if they really are so 'particular', maybe your in-laws don't want to room with them anyway. (is their 3yo a bit of a brat?) it says a lot about you and your kids that they'd be willing to share a room with you.

also sounds like your BIL is the squeaky wheel that gets oiled and since you're so easy-going about it, they figure you don't mind. could it be the other brother gets the 'guest' treatment since he's rarely seen, whereas you get the 'family' treatment since they see you a lot more?

if i were you, i'd play up the 'we get to sleep in the same room as grandpa/grandma!' in front of your nephew so he'll want to do it next time :P

I'd be very angry that a two parent family with a single child would get the private room over a family of 2 adults and two children - one being an infant.

I'd go as far as to say - that with your larger family needs, you need the private room.

Isn't this the aunt's house? What's it got to do with your in-laws? In my opinion any family with a baby still up in the night should have a separate room if possible. The arrangement seems a bit odd, particularly because your in-laws are likely to be disturbed by you getting up to children in the night. I would hate having to share a room like this. Maybe you could have a word to your aunt about not wanting to disturb other people, and the need to have the separate room? she might see the logic to your suggestion.

I don't have a solution for you, just sympathy. I have a sister who is quite difficult and people cater to her whims, or they used to until she got so sick of family that she moved away and quit visiting. Still, my parents visit her once a year and spend a week. They visit us less often and only spend a few days. It is because we make an effort to see them and she doesn't. My parents give more attention to the one who gives very little in return. I'm guessing that since you are the good ones, who will put up with stuff and still come back for more, they give more consideration to the people who might quit coming if they don't get exactly what they want. I have been dealing with getting the short end of the stick for 13 years. Things do change a bit when I tell them I have a problem, but I usually don't rock the boat. Good luck with your vacation. I bet your in laws are grateful to have a child who makes things easy for them and they just don't think about trying to make things easy for you and your family.

I'd get a hotel room for my peace of mind and that of my family. You could get a private bathroom and somewhere you and your children can unwind for the day. You could even get a hotel with a pool and make it a mini vacation. Perhaps your older child could spend the night with the grandparents so you could focus on baby's needs and disturb others' sleep - out of consideration, of course.

From your comment above, your BIL will think its "petty", but this obviously bothers you. I'd speak up, but I don't mind confrontation. Just be very nice about it, and subtle. Say something like, "I really don't mind having the smaller room, but I'd prefer not to share this year because the baby needs naps and wakes up at night. Adding more people just adds more stress to an already stressful situation."
If they tell you they don't mind and waive you off, just, very politely comment that you're glad they don't mind, but you're a little stressed with the baby and all and you'd appreciate it if accommodations could be alternated once in awhile. The squeeky wheel gets the grease.
If they continue to dismiss you, and you continue to think it's giong to cause a problem (baby napping etc.) another option is to tell them this is your vacation too and you will be staying at a nearby hotel so the baby can have peace and quiet during nap time and so you can get up freely all hours of the night to take care of his/her needs as necessary without worrying about waking up everyone.
However, this is all easier said than done. Some can handle confrontation better than others. If the initial request starts making a more uncomfortable, tense, situation that is more uncomfortable than sharing a room, you may want to drop it.
One things important, keep it about yourself. Try not to use the words, "You", "Them", "They" or people start getting defensive. Keep it about how you feel and what you need. And don't let people dish on your feelings; they're yours and yours alone.
You never know, most might agree with you after expressing your needs and you may get the private room and no resentment. But who knows until you try. GOOD LUCK!

Which brother is older? Does that play some role in who gets what? In our family their is preferential treatment towards the older people, while my husband's sides panders to *the baby* of the family...Other than that I am also at a loss why the family with the baby wouldn't get the most privacy??

~Don't me mad though, you said its more of a wing, to me that means you'll get your own room, you'll just have to share a bathroom?...I think your husband is right, you should take it as a compliment that your in-laws are more partial to share with you guys...at least I would *try* to look at it that way?!!?

Wow, that is usually the kind of thing that happens to us. Sorry to hear that. It's not fair. I do not understand how people think sometimes.

Do your brother and sister in laws make more money than you? Do they live "better" than you? Not that it should matter, but sometimes I can see that being why they would want them to be more comfortable..Were they staying longer than you? I could see that being another reason if they were going to be there longer. If no is the answer to both questions, then yes I would be upset also.

I agree that you should feel flattered that the family knows you're easy going and won't make a fuss... BUT, I think you have a right to expect more privacy and every right to feel put upon in these situations.

Whenever family members or friends are sharing a house, I think the youngest children require the most privacy (e.g. quiet) and shouldn't share a room with anyone (unless Mom and Dad want to share with them). No one will have a good day if the baby is cranky, and no one other than mom and dad should be disturbed by the baby in the middle of the night. If I were you, I'd ask for more space or get a separate hotel room...

You married into this family which already had the roles assigned. Your husband is the caregiver and your BIL is the one who does nothing. Your inlaws can't be that old so you can look forward to years and years as the advisors and caregivers to a couple who don't want to upset the apple cart.
Sounds like you don't see too much of your BIL.
What is important here is that your children see their cousins. Don't take it too badly that you have the smaller room. Get to know the relatives on your husband's side that you do like. If the aunt with a huge house is someone you like take a vacation on your own some other time to see her with our without your inlaws.
You will be in this family a long time so make your own way in it. Make relationships with cousins of your husband both of you like and invite them to go somewhere with your family or have them come for a Sunday. Half of your children's family is your husband's.
From what you wrote everyone seems to get along which is something quite special.

If you feel like you're being walked on, its mostyl that you are. It always seems the ones that come around more and do more, get less...and the others probably stay away for a reason and they treat them better in hopes that they will come around more often...they are being treated as guests, you are not...take that as a compliment!

Try not to compare your accommodations to your BIL. I know...that's incredibly hard. Instead, look at what you are offered and then decide if it's sufficient. If you feel that bunking with your in laws is too intrusive/not enough privacy etc., then make your own arrangements at a hotel. If ultimately it's acceptable to you, then it's an acceptable arrangement.

The last time we went to visit my husband's family was this winter for his grandmother's funeral. His parents house has 4 bedrooms...his mother's room upstairs, 1 room each for his 2 adopted handicapped adult siblings and 1 "junk room" into which you can barely walk. Growing up, my husband shared a room with his brother for the 4 years that they all lived together, so there are still bunk beds in there. His father is too obese to walk upstairs or lay flat in a bed, so he sleeps on a recliner in the living room. His mother informed us that I would be sleeping on the couch in the living room next to my FIL and my husband could sleep in his old room if his brother could get it cleaned up in time.

We discussed it ahead of time, and I basically said that I did not feel comfortable with those arrangements. We opted to make hotel reservations, but we thanked out MIL for the offer, knowing that for her and her family, it would be an inconvenience to have us. Remember that your in-laws too are giving up their privacy and are willing to have a baby bunk in their quarters. So...if you decide to go to a hotel on your own, then next time everyone will realize that you, too, like your BIL, need privacy (which IMO is TOTALLY reasonable). If you decide bunking with your in laws is acceptable, then really there isn't a problem.