Am I Overreacting? - Chesterfield,MO

If his CO-WORKERS are planning it, then how can it be *mandatory*?? The only thing that's mandatory is going to work, no? I dunno....I don't mind when my husband does one or two annual work events without me, but then he'll often stay home with me and the girls anyways.

They should make it optional AND include families. Maybe you can mention that to them. I would definately hate this!

Hm maybe this lady's husband is telling her it's mandatory and no families allowed but it's actually not? I would think yoiur husband would have more info than this lady....

My hubby is a cop and they always plan guys night out. However, he is mostly with them through the week. Some times I tell him to go ahead but sometimes I tell him. Hey remember us you have hardly been here I think you need to spend some time with us tonight.

I don't know...if it were me I would want to look at the invitation or email or whatever explaining this to see the word mandatory. I would want to make sure my husband wasn't just telling me it was mandatory so he could go drink and have fun. After working those kinds of hours it would stand to reason someone would want to do this. And I can see these kinds of events in business offices where there is either trainings or team builders but not at a hospital. Can't see where the purpose to do this would be for med students who are likely going to go their seperate ways after residency.

No, you are not overreacting. He should spend his freetime with his family or just some time alone.

Well as a former coordinator for residents, all mandatory stuff was normally during the day because of those scheduled to work. But, as someone said maybe this is more for team building. If it is mandatory and off site that would make it difficult for those on call to go. Also, there are regulations for work hours so really that can't be too much of a threat because of the regulations. so that being said, get some of the women together and plan a picnic for families.... even everyone bring their own food and just have a relaxing afternoon with everyone... Or grab the other spouses together and have a playdate. Make your own fun and get to know others as well.

Hmm... co-workers planning mandatory events? I wonder if they are putting undue pressure on him, I have never been aware of anybody but the supervisor being able to make things mandatory. Especially social-like events, (picnics, etc). A mandatory meeting once in a while I understand, but this sounds a little ... odd. Maybe you need to get some clarification from him, or have him get clarification from his supervisor.

It sounds a little crazy to me that they are mandatory. . . not inviting family could be due to cost/budget. I'd just show up at the park/picnic with my own food, sit at my own table and let my husband play with his kids/family when he isn't talking to them. Maybe even introduce yourself to the planner/organizer and say, "It was just such a great day, we decided to come to the park, too. So glad we can find a few moments with **Jim** he is so busy these days. You know how precious family time is." then go back to your picnic:)
Free country, right?Can't kick you out of the park - LOL!

How can a picnic be mandatory?!!? That's crazy! If co workers are planning these things are you sure they are mandatory? It seems like only a boss could establish that.

As long as you know that what he is doing is on the up and up - they are married and it's just coworkers, then I think you have nothing to worry about.

Being a resident is a very stressful time. They might need the time to unwind with each other and be able to decompress with people who understand what they are going through.

Residency doesn't last forever. Be there to support your husband during this time. When you marry a doctor, you marry the long hours and lifestyle as well.

Since this mandatory & residents only news came from another spouse and not your husband it could be that this spouse is being told this for whatever reason. Yes, it does make sense that the residents would want to get together outisde of the hospital to decompress with other who understand what they're going through. But it also makes sense that families would be welcome as they are a huge part of the emotional support system that every resident now needs desperately and every doctor will continue to need. If your husband told you so that you can plan to go then go. I can not imagine that it's just employees and not spouses if it's a picnic. Now if it was at a bar then I could see how kids wouldn't be welcome. Sounds like some clarity is needed.

I say you go all together but be prepared to leave for a little while and pick up your husband an hour later in the unexpected case that it is employees-only. As someone else mentioend, it could be due to budget. If that's the case you're prepared with an excuse like "I'm just dropping off Bob but wanted to come over and say hi - I hear so much about all of you!" then a casual "OK honey I'll see at 3:30 so we can make it on time to _________" (that thing that you have tickets for hahaha.)

Good luck mama!

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Many companies have mandatory outings like this. I assume the coworkers are doing the planning as mandated by the superiors. And yes, sometimes families are not allowed to accompany the worker. It is not fun, but you and he need to figure out if you can deal with this now, because the road ahead probably won't be much different.

So to answer your question - no, you are not overreacting to want to spend time with your husband. But, the mandatory events without families are quite common. Both DH and I have had them in previous jobs. Again, he needs to decide what is most important and if this works with your family dynamics.

ETA: After your clarification - it sounds like there is simply poor communication going on. Your husband needs to talk to someone in charge and determine the real story. Again, I wouldn't be surprised if his boss indeed said he is required to go and family is not allowed to join.

Good luck to you!

How often do these events occur? Sounds awfully strange that the co-workers are the ones planning a supposedly "mandatory" get-together. If supervisors were doing the planning on behalf of the establishment, that would be a different situation. But they already wring these residents out, and I think they would be very cautious about demanding more of their time outside of work.

Perhaps "mandatory" is a word somebody in the group cooked up as a way to make it possible to spend yet another day away from the demands of family. These folks are kind of in the trenches together, and it's common to have (and to need) strong bonds that will keep the group working well and trusting each other. So I can see occasional gatherings helping in that way.

But if this is turning out to be every week, "mandatory" participation is probably simply ridiculous. Some person in the group who's NOT happy to spend time at home made that up as an excuse to go. Be glad your hubby is choosing to stay home with you when he can. He'll be fine.

How are co-workers able to make anything mandatory? Will he get written up by the boss if he doesn't go? That doesn't make sense to me. Or is it that they pressure, or guilt him into going & it's just easier for him to say yes? He's a big boy, and unless it's required by the boss, then it's not mandatory & he can say no.

I think this is something you're just going to have to get used to, honestly. If he's going to be a doctor, it's not as if he's going to be home much more than he is now.

If you are lonely & don't have any friends, it's not fair for your DH to bear that burden. Take all the time you have now to make sure you have a good support system & people to socialize with other than your DH.

I understand him being busy with work -- completely --but his free time should be spent with his family and then later his friends. Not with his coworkers!!!

It's probably their way to unwind but I wouldn't like it either. Are most of them not married? If so they probably do not understand.

In my prior jobs, as a supervisor of volunteers and staff (not the same thing I know), I often planned team building recreational activities for staff/volunteers - that meant no family etc.

But I always planned at least 2 events per year that included family.

It seems thoughtless, but in stressful work environments, sometimes it makes good sense to set up low stress team activities for the staff. It gives them a chance to decompress and get to know each other in a more relaxed setting. Which leads to better team work during stressful situations.

But, text another spouse and see if they are going. Because I am suspicious by nature. LOL

God Bless

Maybe it is to get the family used to never seeing the doctor. :p The doctors I work for have some crazy hours, I wouldn't want to be one.

From the information you have given, it sounds like your spouse friend that is the person that told YOU about "mandatory" ... that maybe SHE has bad information. I'm not sure I would follow up with her about it, but I wouldn't stay home because of what she said, either. If your own husband is unaware that it is a)mandatory and b) no families allowed, then either the planners are HORRIBLE communicators and need to work on that. Or, maybe, just maybe, 'somebody's' spouse didn't want their wifey and baby to go along this time. Or maybe to ANY of the events. It doesn't mean he is having an affair, necessarily, although it's a possibility--- maybe he just doesn't want to be saddled with a needy wife and new baby at an event he'd rather be schmoozing at. Sad, but possible.
I'd go by what your husband says and deal with any fallout later. Don't get into a gossip fest with this spouse about whether it is or isn't mandatory, however. The less discussed the better, with her anyway, most likely.