Angry...People Take advantage..Husband Doesnt See It

I would go with the fairly cheap dinner like one poster said, enjoy their company for the evening, but if they ask for any donations I would say Nope, sorry. Don't have any to spare. Thanks for coming by...see ya! LOL

wow! So much anger, so much angst....all directed toward both your DH and his God-serving friends. Makes you out to be the bad guy, doesn't it?

(deep sigh).....here's what I don't get: yes, they are missionaries. Yes, their God-perceived job/duty in life is to raise $$ for the Lord & to serve His ways. This is their life choice. They are following thru on their commitment by completing these duties. ......why does this bother you so much? It is their choice, not yours. Why are you expressing so much anger?

I applaud your husband for feeling pride in these friends. I applaud your husband for feeling pride in wanting to share his own life/family with these friends. At this point, I don't believe it's a matter of being used....it's a matter of wanting to share lives....of reconnecting the threads of times past.

Your husband is fully-aware that $$ will be requested and he is trying to go out of his way to be helpful.....& you are dragging him down. Donations do not have to be extravagant....a simple meal is not asking too much, nor is a donation of limited value. Why are you fighting him so much over this?

It's okay to embrace the past, it is what has brought us to today. Reconnecting can be so beneficial on so many levels. If you took 10 steps back & asked yourself "where" all of this anger/ranting is coming from.... what would your honest answer be? Does it have anything to do with the fact that these are friends from when he was single? Are you feeling the pinch of having to "work fulltime to make up that shortfall"? Are you projecting your own angst over today's economy....into a friendship that means something to your husband?

Is it possible for you to find kindness & generosity for your husband & his choices.....without all of this anger? If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you want his love & support.....? Peace.....

You have an awful lot of anger and vitriol spewing out of you and it's clouding your judgment. You could end up really having an enjoyable evening with your husband's old friends, who he must be friends with for good reasons. I mean, you trust his judgment in wives right? Do you really think that your husband is such a shmo that he's going to let old friends take him for a financial ride that you all can't afford?

Calm down. Breathe. Collect yourself. Ask your husband if he would let his friends know prior to the visit that there can't be any talk of money or donations to their mission because it's just not feasible. You and he don't owe them any explanation other than if you want to be polite with, "We're tithing what we can afford with our church and although we know your mission is always in need of money, it's stressful to have to worry about having this discussion during a visit when we're supposed to be socializing."

When they're over for "dinner" it's easy enough to keep it inexpensive and still provide a great evening. Cheap beer, cheap wine, Italian bread, pizza or some BBQ, pretzels and chips, ice cream for the kids and a green salad. Use disposable dinnerware . Use store brand for everything and shop sales. You just might have fun in spite of yourself.

Your dh has a right to see these friends if he wants and he also has a right to expect to entertain them for dinner. Its what people do for old friends.They deserve the benefit of the doubt that they really would like to see him while they are in town. And you don't have to go all out for dinner: Spaghetti, meatballs, salad, italian bread, chocolate cake. Cheap as can be and easy.

If the money thing really worries you have your DH tell them on the phone that while he would love to see them they should know that he regretfully cannot contribute to their cause anymore. If they still want to come and don't mention money then they are true friends. If they bail then they aren't.

And you say they rarely keep in contact....I am wondering how much your husband keeps in contact with them? It works both ways.

How many people are coming? How many missionaries? If it was dozen or more, I'd be mad. If it was a handful, I wouldn't be.... what's a few/couple extra plates? I assume you make dinner at least sometimes for your family, why not just double the recipe?

And have a compromise: You two agree to not give them any money, and you will make/buy dinner... Wouldn't that be better than him giving them money?

Oh, and I understand COMPLETELY what you mean about them coming by for the money- it sounds like that to me, too.

I'd go along with dinner - but make it absolutely clear to your husband that if they ask for money towards their personal projects - it is a NO across the board and make sure you are strong enough to say so to their faces if they ask for a 'tithing'.

May I suggest you have your husband grill? You can help with the prep, maybe make dessert, but the work load is split and you don't have to go through the expense of taking them out to eat.

As long as your husband is completely aware that you will not be giving money, let him have his delusion that these people actually value his friendship (independent of $$$$). It's kind of sad when you think about it. :-[

We all bring people to a relationship that the other may not care for. It's part of the package. At least you don't have to see these people frequently.

ETA ********
I am a bit frustrated at all the people who want to give your husband's friends' solicitation a pass because it's for missionary purposes. WHO CARES!?! If it were Amway or a Time Share or any other secular pursuit, anyone would be pissed at repeated solicitations for money when it has been clearly communicated that you are a dry well. If I had any friend that seemed to pair social interactions with me with business, I would ditch them. In this case, her husband opts not to, but that doesn't mean she's not entitled to be infuriated at the circumstances. God's Work is not a free pass to be rude.

My husband is similar with old friends who I feel like are mainly around when they need something. I've learned to let it go a bit. For one, I usually have a better time than I expected. And two, my husband's generosity and loyalty are two qualities I value in him. Sometimes it pisses me off bc in many ways I've supported him financially and I'm the one who ends up doing most of the work for the meal. So, I've learned not to fuss as much and think of it as a gift to my husband. If yours is typically a good guy, try to look at it that way. and let him pitch in etc. As well, I agree with others about either no money upfront or decide an amount like $20. I totally know how you feel and likely it stems from being the woman who does more around the house plus works full-time and is worried about money and now on top of it, you have no control over this and have to serve people you don't like dinner and spend a bit of money. It is infuriating. So do your best to do it on your terms and figure it's better in a way to be married to someone with a good heart who's a sucker sometimes than someone who is an ogre. And I think it's a bit of an ego thing with guys. They take pride in showing off their house and family.

I understand your anger. It isnt right for them to take advantage of you, and it isnt right for your hubby to let them.

I would make it very clear when they get there that you have no intentions of giving them anymore money. You dont have it. Be firm, and take away your hubby's check book if you have to.

For dinner, make something small. You are the one cooking, and it isnt fair that you have to host something you dont want to.

I would make simple chicken, potatoes, and a salad. Good enough! For desert a simple dollar box of chocolate cake will do.

Dont out do yourself if you arent happy for who you are cooking for. These arent "real" friends. These are people you know, who continually ask for money. And real friends dont do that.

I'm sorry you are having a hard time, and hope that maybe before they get here, your hubby will hear you out, and listen.

Best wishes!

Sometimes we maintain friendships through the years out of loyalty, which is a good character trait. Friendship can go much deeper than seeing each other often or talking often; I have a dear, dear friend who I may go a year without speaking to or hearing from them, but when we do see each other it's just like no time at all has passed and we stay up all night catching up and having a ball. You say they don't write to you; does your husband write to them? That kind of communication DOES really go BOTH ways. I have another friend that I went to school with, and I LOOK for those update letters so I can see what's going on, see the pictures, etc....I play it cool to other people, but truth is I respect her for what she's doing and I'm proud of her. Sometimes I feel a desire to help because secretly, I miss that. I spent time as a missionary and it was the best time of my life (and took a lot of time and energy!) but so rewarding. I secretly wondered if I was making a mistake getting married because I did want to go back to missions also....but I chose my husband. You don't necessarily know where his head/heart are in this situation (I went years without sharing my thoughts and feelings with my husband on that one specific subject because it was very close to my heart and I just didn't want to share some things, especially when I thought I'd failed or something)....we on mamapedia certainly don't know where his head/heart are. I am fortunate enough that my husband took an interest in these things on his own after we were married, and we've been able to share thoughts, desires, hopes, and have been able to set goals together for the future....but only because he was supportive. THANKFULLY my husband is interested and supports (on his own) my friend's work because HE thinks it's awesome and is impressed with how they're handling it. He respects me enough to respect my friends. I'm sure you would want your husband to respect your old friends enough to treat them as guests should be treated if they came to visit one day. I can understand that you disagree with how money is short and how you think it needs to be spent (or not), and you may be unhappy about working to make up the difference. However, do realize that your husband DID listen to you and DID stop financially supporting them. He wants to see them and provide dinner which is a normal thing to do with friends you haven't seen in awhile. Not an all the time thing! And you don't have to stress "what if" they ask about money. Because here's the thing: if they flat out ask for money, I don't see anything wrong with a small one time donation since you're not supporting them regularly (4 years ago is hardly "all the time", you know)...but you can also say "We think what you're doing is great, but we're really not able to make any extra donations at this time" and leave it at that. It's not hard to do, it's not rude, it's just a fact. You don't have to be passive OR aggressive....it seems like these days being just plain old assertive is a dying art!!! But also keep in mind that when people talk at dinner time, they are talking about what they are doing, thinking, or what they're involved in. If you're involved in co-ed kickball and spend everyday playing kickball, you're going to talk about it! If you're involved in splitting cells for a new scientific discovery, you're going to talk about this new science. And if you're involved in missions work, you're going to talk about missions work. Especially if you're passionate about it (the only way they'd be any good at it). So don't take it wrong and get upset if someone is telling you about what they're involved in. It's not necessarily hinting for money, but telling you what they're working on and what they need to keep it going. If you don't want to give a donation, just say something like "Wow, that sounds really neat. We'll pray for you, that you'll have wisdom and everything you need to get that done" (and then DO pray for them). It's not a hard situation at all.
In the meantime: my "go to" special meal when I'm wanting to have a special guest over for dinner for the first time is smothered balsamic filet mignon topped with gorgonzola (you throw it all together and marinate, husband can grill it or you broil it), garlic mashed red potatoes, marinated green beans and bacon, and I make an apple cheesecake. It's very very good, impressive, but seriously costs about $15/plate including dessert (good luck finding THAT price anywhere decent). Or like someone else suggested: a nice spaghetti and meatball dinner, with a side of salad and a loaf of garlic bread, and bake a box cake or buy a cheesecake factory cheesecake (quite good) at Walmart for what, $10 for 8 pieces or so...it's a tasty meal if you know how to cook meatballs right (lol), for super cheap. Don't do what some posters suggest and just slop something together just because it's cheap though. God will see your sacrifice of time, money, and even your feelings. Do the right thing, and good will come of it, even if it's not that very night. You're not going to go broke cooking one meal for a special guest, and you keep peace in your home, let your husband feel that his feelings are valid, and be a good hostess to a minister (or anyone for that matter)----you can't go wrong if you get a grip on your heart and thoughts.

I don't like a lot of my husband's friends either, and I get so annoyed when we have to entertain them. I don't put much effort into those meals ;-)

I agree with some of the previous posters. Grill some hot dogs, put together a potato salad, bake some brownies, and call it good. Luckily, you can get good deals at the grocery stores this week.

I don't think you should give them any money either, but if you think your husband is going to do it anyway, you should agree on a set amount - like $20. Then his friends can't won't keep asking for a donation, and your husband can feel good about making a token contribution.

Good luck to you. I hope their visit is short.

Updated

I don't like a lot of my husband's friends either, and I get so annoyed when we have to entertain them. I don't put much effort into those meals ;-)

I agree with some of the previous posters. Grill some hot dogs, put together a potato salad, bake some brownies, and call it good. Luckily, you can get good deals at the grocery stores this week.

I don't think you should give them any money either, but if you think your husband is going to do it anyway, you should agree on a set amount - like $20. Then his friends can't won't keep asking for a donation, and your husband can feel good about making a token contribution.

Good luck to you. I hope their visit is short.

You need to back up and get a hold of your anger. You are seeing red and that is clouding your judgement. Yes, it does seem like these folks are slime...but for some reason your husband likes them. You need to put your best face forward and provide a meal....and a meal only. It is not unreasonable for old "friends" to get together for a meal. However, please be very firm with your DH that if you do this, then under no circumstances will you all be giving them money.

In think some prayer with you and your husband together might be an answer.

Blessings....

Well, I would make the best of it for one evening, even if you supply the dinner. It is probably worth it to your husband to see old friends even it you don't especially like them. But do discuss with your husband how you feel about them asking for donations. If you can't afford to donate then he needs to say so (or maybe a very small donation if you can afford it and agree on it in advance). Is this ministry something that you don't support for some reason? If so you may need to discuss that with your husband. It is possible to be friends with someone and leave religion and politics aside but it isn't always easy, especially if that is their life's work.

How frustrating!!!

One suggestion: Instead of coming at it combatively, how about coming at it positively (at least from your DH"s viewpoint). Let him know that you understand he wants to support his friends mission work. So, before they get there and put the pressure on (say it more diplomatically than that, LOL!), tell your DH you want to set down a figure ($ amount) that you are able to give them, and when they arrive, the two of you give it to them first, and say, "Look, we know that besides wanting to visit, you are also raising money for God's work, so here is a donation, and that way we can keep this to a visit and not a fundraising appeal." Say it with a smile, and be warm and gracious. If they bring up $ again, say, "Remember (smile), we wanted to focus on our friendship this visit, and not on money! (gentle laugh)"

Or, conversely, instead of giving money, you & DH could offer to host a dinner party or social event, where the idea would be to let Ryan give his spiel about the mission work and he could hit up the guest for money (maybe do it in conjunction with your own church, with their permission). And tell Ryan up front that you don't have money to donate, but you can donate your time and skills to help with the fundraising via the dinner/talk organizing.

Wow! You def don't like these people! If it's because you think they ONLY reach out to your husband for money and not friendship than I can understand. But, if you are this angry at them because they ask for money when they are hanging out and catching up like old friends do then I think you should take your own advice and get a grip! They are missionaries that ask for money to help support spreading the word of the Lord...and they are adults who can handle an honest answer from you. Politely explain that you are not able to contribute to their mission right now due to your own financial instability. If they bring it up again give them the same polite answer. If they bring it up a third time then they are being rude and you should tell them you feel uncomfortable with their constant request for money when you have been clear with them that you are not able to help them in any way right now. If they are truly good friends none of this should damage the friendship...if they are just friendly so they can get donations then they will probably stop bothering you. Make sure you and the hubby are on the same page and you need to stop hating them and talking bad about them if you want your hubby to go into this on good terms. Go out and have a great dinner with some old friends...it could a lot of fun! Best wishes.

Missonaries or friends? I would agree with you that if they were true friends they would find time to communicate with your husband outside of the generic update letter. Maybe you could give them the benefit of the doubt that they are soooo busy doing their work that they don't have time to communicate on a one to one. Regardless, you should try to let it go for one day. I would think that they have great stories to tell. I also agree with others, set an amount to give to them. $20 sounds good. Put it in an envelope with their names on it. Have your husband write a letter to them to go along with the money. Doubtful that they will open the envelope in front of you, and if they do, it doesn't matter. I think having the money already set aside before they arrive will ease any frustration you may have about them asking for money. Agree that if for some reason they ask for a certain amount due to earthquake or flood victims needing their help, you are both sticking to your dontation and can give no more.

Your feelings about these friends is the way I feel sometimes sitting in Church and having the Priest ask for more money. He asks all of the time. We are in Church every week. We give an envelope, our kids give envelopes. Many families don't even go to Church but are members of our Parish, they don't have to listen to him. I get so tired of it that I feel like not going to Church. I want to hear a homily about the Gospel, not about the needs of the Catholic Church. (Ha! there's my rant!)

As far as dinner goes, make an inexpensive meal that will fill them up. Baked mostaccioli is an easy, inexpensive and filling meal. Mostaccioli is about $1 a box, shredded cheese is about $3 a bag, and you can just purchase a jar sauce. It will be quick and easy for you. The Jewel has great bakery bread, made fresh daily for under $2 a loaf. While you're there grab a bag salad and a cake or cheesecake from the bakery and you will be good to go. The less you fuss the more likely you are to not let their visit bother you.

Just remember that it's only for a day. Remember that you are doing this for your husband, not for them. We all have memories of the good ol' days and memories of friends from the past that are special to us. Maybe this trip, after not being in contact with them for so long, will be the trip that shows your husband if he is a true friend of theirs or just another donator. Remember though, that's something he needs to decide for himself. Good luck, it won't be that bad with a little planning ahead and a set $$ amount already in place.

That is tough situations. I have many friends who are missionaries. Some, I would do anything I possibly could for. Others, well, not so much. I understand, somewhat, how you feel. We used to go to church with a missionary couple and it seemed like the only time they attended church was when they wanted money for their ministry. (At that time they were not full time missionaries. They lived and worked in the states, and would take trips every so often to the country they were called to.) I got really put out with how our church (which we no longer attend) would raise thousands of dollars in one sunday, but couldn't even help a local family in need with groceries. It started to come across to me like people were just supporting these missionaries because it was the "cool thing" to do. Kwim? I am all for missionary work. I actually have quite a heart for it. (I lived in South Africa for a time.) But I also realize there are many needs. ie Not everyone is called to Haiti. Some people have a heart for Africa or China or where ever. And some people are called to do something closer to home. ALL are worthy callings. ALL are necessary.

My suggestion? See if you can talk to this couple one on one, when you are not so upset, and tell them point blank how you feel. ie "I understand that you all have needs and have to raise money to do your missionary work, but we are not able to contribute financially anymore." and then go on to explain why. I would also tell them that it comes across like you aren't really even friends anymore...that they only seek you out when they need financial support.

Good luck. :)

Some people, don't see that they are being, used like a door-mat.

They 'think' they are being charitable.

Tell him he can host them for dinner.
Fine.
But do NOT use the household or family expenses for it.
I am sure, he must have 'fun money' or mad money to use for whatever superfluous purposes????

He... is going by his Ego.
He feels a need, within himself, to show-off or make like it is larger than life... in what he can offer them.
Some Men, are like this. Women too.
It is Ego.
Or Pride.
Not wanting other people, even friends, to know that you are like EVERY common person out there and with a Budget and are NOT rich.

Tell him, HE can take them out. But you don't want to join them.
It will cost less, that way as well.

They are his friends, he hasnt donated in 3 or 4 years and hasnt seen them in 10. I think you may as well buck up and let it slide since it's a rare occasion. If it was friends you liked and you made dinner and took them to Disneyland it would be the same thing financially, right? Just have a talk with hubby about what you guys CAN afford so you are both on the same page when it comes to the giving. Feeding them and giving them a free place to spend the night seems like a generous donation already, tell hubby that. They save at least 60 bucks by not having to stay in a hotel. Your post kinda has a mean tone to it =)

YOU need to confront them and tell them how you feel...your open hostility isn't going to get you anywhere with your husband - it may just a fight that you don't want....

Sit down with your husband about the upcoming expenses and SHOW him in black and white what you can and cannot afford...show him the income and the debt/outgoing that you BOTH have and how it's NOT feasible to host a party that you cannot afford...

It would be my way to openly get my feelings out on the table with the "leeches" - that's the best way to say it...you need to CALMLY express how you feel - give them facts - the last time you called - you wanted $$$...there hasn't been ONE TIME since I've been with my husband that you haven't called just to talk...you've always wanted something...and it's money...I don't like it and I am resenting you for this...

I'm kind of confused about them being LDS, as I saw in your other question... Are you sure they are? I don't know of LDS members serving a mission for years like that. And always asking people for money. As far as I know a mission is a year or two, and to pay for the mission, the prospective missionary may solicit for donations beforehand. But it's not an ongoing thing. I would be very suspicious if they are asking for money on an ongoing basis.

But beyond that, I think it's great that you and your husband decided on a nice, cheap, and easy to prepare meal for your guests. It's one night and I'm sure you made your husband very happy.

Glad we can be here for you to vent :)

I would suggest before they get there you write them a check for $25-50 and put it in an envelope! At some point (probably before the conversation comes up from them), hand them the envelope and say something like, I just really wanted to contribute to your ministry - it's not much but it's what we can afford. Get it out of the way at the beginning. They most likely won't open it until they leave - they'll either be disappointed but if they really are greatful, their response will be positive. If so, it might change your opinion of them and if not, your husband will finally see your point of view.

I haven't read all your responses... Can you sit down with your hubbie along with the bills and bank accounts and talk the facts about what you can afford to donate? Come up with a number together BEFORE they arrive and if it's decided that you can afford to give, then have DH right the check before they arrive. When they come, before they even ask or go into their sales pitch, maybe before you sit down to dinner, hand them the check and hopefully DH will say "we'd love to contribute to your mission and this is what we can afford right now." Hand them the check then change the subject.

Hopefully they will get the point - it think it's harder to ask someone to give MORE when you have just handed them a check. If they are allowed to go into how much they need to raise and the guilt your soul will feel and how you will be going to hell if you don't give $XXXX it's harder. Good luck!

My husband is like that with so much of his outside family, (cousins, etc.) and it kills me. He also helps them with fixing cars for free, visiting people who never call us, or visit us and feels guilty if he doesn't etc.etc.etc. I have figured out how to make our dinners really cheaply, how to shop really cheaply -depriving myself oftentimes so we can save and then he dishes it out to people who maybe now cannot work, (before oftentimes just wouldn't) and it made me seethe, too. One day however, I got a sort of a flash. There are a couple of things I could do. I could seethe myself or I could understand that that makes him really happy to do it. And I could quit depriving myself or save the same amount of money for me and our family that he was tossing out to everyone else. Believe it or not it kind of works. I still seethe once in awhile but not as bad.

Wow, that IS annoying of that other couple. I agree with the others that you should make a dinner and try to enjoy the evening. Your husband wants to hang out with his old friends. If they were not asking for money it would all be good. I'd have a talk with my husband first to see if you can both agree on what you will do if they ask you for money. If you both come to a decision first, then you will feel confident knowing there is a plan in place (such as giving a small amount or telling them you are so sorry, but you are already giving at your church and that is all you can afford right now). Personally, if I were your hubby, I would call my friend before he came over and tell him this right away. Then they know not to make a big sell on their missionary work which will make you uncomfortable. If they are good friends of his they will completely understand. If it makes them mad then they are not good friends in the first place.

Yep - sounds like a kind of sucky situation. But if it's important to your husband to have them over, then go ahead and do it. Sounds like they're gone mostly so this is a rare occasion, and if it makes your husband happy, why not do it. Just make a salad and pasta - it's really cheap and easy.

As for giving them money - I'd discuss ahead of time with your husband that if you're going to host dinner you expect him to back you up in not giving them money. If/When it comes up, just very clearly and pointedly say "I'm so glad that you've found your calling. I'm sure you'll respect that God has guided us to a different calling, so we're supporting other causes at this time." If they press the issue, just keep repeating the same thing. The broken record works every time.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Your husband needs to consider your family's needs first, and needs to learn how to say "no". Hopefully he will see that being good friends is not a good enough reason to support them financially.