A question has me thinking about my own resentments.
In my mind, resentment holds me back (name the situation and this blanket statement is, for me, applicable). It hurts me as much (sometimes more?) as it does those who I still resent. Resentment, a sibling of fear and anger, eats me up.
I want to let go.
Okay. That's gravy in thought, but now action.
I'm looking to hear from you, what helped you move through your resentment. When you've been resentful, did you just decide to let go, or was there a series of actions/methods that helped you? And, if you resented someone who you have a relationship with (instead of a stranger who cut you off on the road, or whatever), how did you, or were you able to rebuild mutual respect.
No wrong answers, and what works for one might not be another's solution. Nonetheless, your insight is often a good window into my own heart. Thanks for any stories you wish to share.
Theresa, darn it, you just had to put a mirror up to my face ;-) You nailed it.
And S.H., you're right, I do get to choose to let go. And Dawn, you're right about setting myself up for disappointment/doormat. Okay.
E.'s lesson of the day (again!!!!):
I cannot control the behavior of another (adult) human being.
I don't get to put my own agendas on other people and then resent them and feel sorry for myself when they don't follow MY plan for THEM.
I do get to be responsible for myself and my actions. I do get to be responsible for my own happiness.
I don't get to expect other people to be responsible for my happiness, but, if I am getting walked on/disrespected, I get to place boundaries (not to punish them, but because I deserve to be treated like a human being).
I can choose to learn how to stop informing my actions/attitudes from a place of hurt/resentment.
Sometimes I'm a survivor, but I don't have to be a victim (or a victim of my resentment).
And, Hazel, you have a lot of really great things going on in your response. Healthy, identified, emotion can be healthy and necessary, and self compassion can help us have compassion for others while helping us heal.
Maybe I'll get this tattooed across my forehead?
I haven't. Every time I try to let go and start over, the person does something to tick me off. So it continues to build...
A while ago, there was a question on here from someone asking how they could move on from resentment. Some very unhelpful responses included, 'STOP BEING SO SELFISH'. Nice one, whoever posted it (said sarcastically). I think the thing you have to remember is that the only person you have control over is yourself, so work on ways to remove your thoughts from the situation. Concentrate on what you can do to make the situation better, and remember that you will never be able to change another's attitude. All I can say is for yourself to move forward positively. With your mind occupied in this way, hopefully you will be thinking less about whatever is causing the resentment.
Holding on to resentment and anger only hurts you more than the one you are angry with. Staying angry or holding on to resentment only gives the person you resent the power over your feelings and you.
I was able to get over resentment and anger toward my mother when I realized I would no longer give her the power to hurt me. Each time I started to think about the things that she had done to wrong me, I told myself that I am still giving her the power over my feelings and things that she had done in the past continued to hurt me. Finally, I wanted to be the one in control of my own feelings, I took back the power by forgiving, understanding, but not forgetting. I no longer resent my mother, but have moved on, Every time my feelings of anger and resentment started to eat at me I would say over and over I will not give her the power to control my feelings with negativity I am the only one who has the power over my feelings. eventually the resentment was gone.. .
I am finding the process difficult to explain, I hope what I wrote above makes sense.
Get over the resentment and take the power back.
.
It is just tiring, being resentful.
Thus you move on.
For me, it is a choice.
Because, I also HATE "reruns." In other words, I HATE reliving something that happened already that I already moved on from. So, just move on.
Revolving around things/resentments that happened already... is so..... tiring. And does not do anything. It is Static.
I hate... reruns in my life.
The resentment you carry only hurts YOURSELF not the person you are holding the resentment against.
So you need to decide if that person is worth the "rust" you are causing your insides because you can't let go of a past transgression. That's the hard part. It IS hard to let go of a grudge....especially if you've harbored it for a long time - however, what I find important trying to "fill that void" with something positive and press on!!
the one who cuts me off on the road? I pray for a flat tire for them! :) LOL!!!
The friend who I helped make $500K and she owes me $10K STILL...five years later....THAT is hard to get over. But I just know that it will come back to bite her one day.....I let God take care of that one! ")
Like Theresa says - you cannot control another adult's actions....YOU CAN control how YOU behave and how YOU act....
I had a lot of resentment while in my marriage and I've been able to let most of it go. I went through a year-long Life Coaching certification course. It taught me how to look at life in a whole new way. Coaching is different than counseling or therapy in that it starts with the premise that we are all OK the way we are and yet in my experience it is much more effective in making changes than counseling. It's hard to describe in a short post, but it changed how I am. It helped me let go of so much anger, resentment, and other emotion that was draining my energy.
I think for me it was the realization that letting go of those things #1 was for me and not for them. I needed to let go of it to release myself from the bondage and feelings that were holding ME back. It certainly wasn't holding them back from anything, they just went on living life like nothing ever happened!! ....and #2 that it is a choice, and not a feeling. Letting go of those things was a conscious decision that I made. Were there days when it would still bug me - yep!! But once I realized it (cause lets just face it, sometimes our minds just go there), I again made a conscious decision to let it go. I did this everytime that I started feeling that way or thinking about it. Then it got fewer and farther between that I would think about whatever it was. And eventually, I was able to let it go completely. Also, I have realized that letting go does not make whatever they did to me right or ok, it just makes me a better person.
Hope that helps you.
Lots of great responses :-)
You, yourself, have to be ready to let the resentment go, no matter how you ultimately get to that point - whether it's talking to the person feeding into the resentment, ending a toxic relationship, getting therapy, just deciding to forgive & let go of all the negativity, letting time go by, etc. You can take whatever avenue you want to in order to rid yourself of resentment, but it won't make a difference if your heart is not in it & you are not ready to let it all go.
No one else can make it right for you. Ultimately you are responsible for your own health & happiness. If someone keeps disappointing you, then why would you continually allow them to do so? It's called insanity - doing the same thing over & over again & expecting different results. Choosing to continue to let people mistreat you is a choice, and being resentful is a choice.
Great question!
I'm interested in hearing your responses, because I have some resentment I need to let go of, specifically toward husband. I know I'm only hurting myself by hanging onto it, but part of me doesn't want to let go of it.
So, ladies? Wisdom, please.
I resented a M. who always asked me for favors and never to do fun things.It was not be being sensitive or imagining it. The few times I asked her for a favor she told me no. Twice she did give my dd a message when I was running late and to wait there, not get on a bus. She would have used me if I allowed her to and she didn't value our friendship at all.
I got over it by speaking up and saying no to all her requests unless it was something I wanted to do. When she chose to bring it up, I told her exactly how I felt as calmly as I could. She denied it and never apologized, but I could let it go and she stopped asking me for favors.
Time. I'm a bit like you described too and I find that after I give myself enough time it is just too hard to keep up the resentment/anger/grudge. I do take things probably more personally than others intention and I'm very loyal and giving so I expect a lot out of people. Also, I sort of talk myself through it. It's almost as if I talk myself out of resenment, although it doesn't totally work, if I do it enough then over a shorter amount of time I feel better. You aren't alone! The older I get the easier all this seems, there just isn't time and energy for it.
two things i think of - one, i have NO idea how to get past resentment when the person keeps adding on and adding on the list of grievances, over years. i wish i knew. also, the ones i have successfully let go of, were usually over things done to me that were truly unwarranted - and with those things, very often karma (or god's sense of humor, whichever you prefer to think of it as) gets 'em. example: some old hags (haha) at work suddenly started being very rude and catty to me, after no change in my own behavior. the only change was my promotion. i even (like an idiot) continued to be friendly and say good morning for a couple weeks, until i realized my friendly greetings were met with a sneer and a sarcastic "goood morrrning!" so i quit saying good morning. i was hurt and offended and then i moved to resentment and anger. then one morning it hit me - I was the one who got the promotion! they can be like that all they want to. me resenting them is them winning. so i let it go. i think smiling at them bugs them more than me looking away and pretending not to see them. :) i think of all the great things that have happened to me since that promotion, and i just grrrriiinnnnnn at them :)
Time is the only thing that allows my resentment to go away. The first time I took my ex back I resented him and gradually it went away. When I left him the second and final time it took 8 months for the resentment to go away. The only reason it went away is I went through the normal process... anger, sadness, and acceptance. The process only happened when I thought of it of course and with time the feeling that maybe we would be together went away because I got over him and knew that we couldn't be together b/c he was toxic. It works this way for me with anything that I get resentment for but most of the time it's towards exs who do me wrong. Sometimes it's like what Megan C said, they just keep ticking me off and it keeps building. I don't really think it holds control over my life it's a feeling I have towards that particular person and doesn't affect how I act towards other people as long as I'm not with that person (like I said its mostly exs).
I think it is human nature to walk to look at other people and tell them how to make their life better instead of look at our own. I did have a lot of resentment toward my immediate family. I had to take a step back and look at the entire picture to see what was going on and now I could change myself to venture past all of this. I have found forgiveness because they are only doing what they were taught and MOST OF ALL I learned how I could improve my life. I laugh, smile, and shake off the simple things. To show mutual respect does not mean that you have to make the person your best friend.
