Aunt Spoiling Kids

I never do anything with or give anything to another child without asking the mother first. I've taught my boys the same thing -- they are older, and they love the little boys who live near us. They know that if they want to share a treat, they have to ask the little boys' mother first.

The mother is in charge, and she gets to make the decisions. Some people don't think things through -- the mother knows her child best, and maybe there is a food allergy, or the child will eat sweets until he throws up (one of mine did that a few times when he was younger), or the dentist has just expressed concern about cavities, or sugar makes the child hyperactive and difficult for the rest of the day, or you are teaching the child about healthy food and candy negates the lesson.

You need to stand up to this auntie.

I am a "spoiling" Auntie! I admit it!!

I believe every family has to come up with what works for them. My sister and I think the same way...she is OK with me spoiling her kids and I am OK with her spoiling mine...although I totally understand where you are coming from, I had to have a talk with my sister about her giving my kids gum...hubby hates it! :)

You are in charge of your son's nutriton. I think if it were me, if she saw him only once in a while, I'd look the other way. If she visits regularly, I would need to address it.

One of my favorite lines from the Friends TV show was in the episode where they had a psychologist over and within a few moments, he figure out everyone's weakness. Someone grabbed a cookie and he looked at them and said "It's not LOVE." And it was funny, but very very true. Food is not love, but our society makes that substitution on a regular basis if you stop and think about it.

**SHOW your Husband, the responses you get here. It may help.
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No, I don't have the opinion that an Aunt's 'job' is to spoil the kids.
Nor do I agree with your Husband.

My kids have a super generous Aunt.
She gives them ALL kinds of things, including sweets.
BUT, over time, we have gotten her to know that she has to "ask" us first, if it is okay.
I do NOT like my kids, always having candy/ice cream/treats, just because she is in the vicinity or at our house, or out with our kids.
The amount of candy/treats she gives them, would be a TON.... and is more than even a sane adult has in 1 week.

BUT.. what we do with our kids is this: Since a very young age, we taught them that WE are the parents. And this is the pecking order of things. My kids are now 4 and 7 years old. But even when younger, they will actually tell Aunty if she offers them something "We have to ask Mommy first..." or, 'I better check with Mommy if that is okay...." We taught our kids, how to stand up to Aunty. And that they need to ask us first... because we are the parents... and Aunty is not.

And if they are out with Aunty and we are not there... and Aunty wants to give them sugar treats or toys.... my kids will actually tell her they need to CALL Mommy/Daddy first... and they will actually CALL us on her cell phone and Aunty or my kids will ASK us first, if something is okay.

We are not anal about it or militant about it... but we steadily, made this the 'habit' and explained to Aunty. This is our kids and this is the 'rules.'
So... Aunty will now ask us.... if something is okay. She had to learn 'respect' that we are the parents... NOT her.

So... we taught our kids about it and how to handle it too. And we 'taught' Aunty... what the process of things are.

You either be proactive... and teach your kids/relatives about it. Or you let it happen and get all frustrated or pent-up about it... and the kids 'learning' that relatives are able to just do whatever they want and that they don't have to listen to you, either. YOU are the parent... and a child... still has to know that.... not ignore your 'rules' just because certain people or relatives ignore you.

And in your case... you said Aunty is there MANY times a week. So... you need to have boundaries... about what she gives your child, too.

Anyway, we now have no 'battles' about things like that with our kids or with Aunty.

all the best,
Susan

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in MY opionion....NO ONE not even grandparents have the right to spoil if MOM AND DAD SAY NO. my mom tried that for a whole 6 months, now if my daughter asks her can i and i'm in the same building...i don't care, but you have to ask mommy first.

if you don't stop it NOW then there will be huge problems later...there's nothing wrong from taking them from her as she hands them to your son and saying...did you ask mommy? this will teach your child that he needs to learn that even though "spoiler's" say ok...it's still ultimately up to MOM AND DAD.

if they insist on spoiling, i say ok, but YOU'RE coming over and dealing with the fit later...not me if they don't then don't let it happen

make your child and family follow YOUR rules with YOUR kids

my take on this, yes this is rude for not asking the parent. many parents are trying to get their kids off the suger kick. Once in a while is ok, but let's face it, kids would keep eating until they are just plumb sick. To me this is very direspectful, as you told your son to wait will after lunch. I would nicely have a talk with your SIL and tell her you appreciate the treats she gives your son, but you are trying to limit the amount of sugar he has - Any doctor or dentist would agree kids are much better off liniting the sugar. Hope this helps

I would put my foot down and say no. Candy is a parent's decision whether to give or not. If it was a once in a while thing, I might be able to overlook it, but not if she lives 5 minutes away. Everyone, doctors offices, etc., should always ask if your child can have candy. My son has been given it by people at parades, hair dressers, etc. Most isn't even safe for him. Luckily, he doesn't know about candy and willingly hands it over.

You're right on this one. You are the parent, your rule is law, what you say goes. Spoiling my relatives is one thing and should be expected to an extent, but you are more than okay for stepping in when it's junk food he's being spoiled with. That's bad on multiple levels (unhealthy, associating food with rewards, being allowed to disobey mom, etc). Put your foot down on this one mom :)

Is it their job to spoil? Yes and no. Since your hubby is not willing to say anything, I would talk to her yourself. You want them to have a good relationship but there is spoiling and then there is undermining your authority. She does not have kids of her own and she may not understand how much they can test you at this age and how much sometimes you need to stand firm. You need to ask her to talk to you first before offering candy to your son and try to get her to understand how much harder it makes your job as a parent when she doesn't respect your decisions. But it might also help to look at the big picture and realize that when your son ate the cupcakes without any dinner, it didn't cause any permanent damage.

There's always exceptions to the rules but with some kids at certain ages, you can't deviate from the rules because then they come to expect it all the time (case in point - my 3 year old gets 2 bedtime stories. Sometimes I've done 3 when she wants a 3rd one but then she starts getting all obnoxious about it every time and I have to set my foot down). I would try to decide if your son can understand at times that you are bending the rules "just this once" so it doesn't turn into a battle every time. If he can't, then you need to explain this to his aunt and the rest of the family. They can always choose to do something else, like a special activity that is healthier than consuming sugar and creates happy memories, and that you approve of and still lets them feel like they are treating him in some way (like a trip to an apple orchard or cider mill this time of year).

Try to get beyond thinking you're right and she's wrong. Think about why she wants to give him candy. Then get clear about what you want, and ask for it in a gentle, easy, non-blaming way. My own view is that it is respectful to find out from the parents (you!) what they want their child to eat/not eat, and follow the parents' guidelines. Maybe you can work out a deal that keeps the sweets under control, while still letting the relatives enjoy their role in your son's life.

wow...that's a little excessive on her part if you ask me. yeah, my family spoils our kid, but they tend to ask us first, especially if it's around mealtime. i don't mind if they give her things like that, and ours is pretty good about understanding that she can have it later if we say to wait. i would talk to her and your husband again and come to a compromise on it, so she knows she can still give him treats, but that it should be done within certain limits.

I didn't read all the answers, but I've always been a bit overprotective of what my kids eat. It seems like everyone is always trying to give kids candy and sweets to spoil them or make the kids like them better or whatever. I think you need to tell your husband exacltly why it bothers you, but I also think you can talk to the aunt and say, "You know, I love that you care so much about (child), but can you please show it with extra attention (or whatever) rather than food?"

That's hard to do; but, if you're really concerned, it probably has to be said. I've learned to choose my battles now with my in-laws and extended family, but those who live close enough that we see them often know how I feel about what goes into my kids' bodies. They may think I'm crazy, but it's somthing that is important to me.

All of that said, I do give my older son some sweets (you won't convince me that my one-year old needs any, though!). I just think that a lot of people go way overboard trying to give sweets to kids.

Dont feel guilty for wanting your son to eat in a healthy manner.

You can do a couple things to reroute the flow of candy.

Talk to the Aunt, add in the health aspect of what you are trying to accomplish. Inform her of the vitamins and nutrients he is missing at a meal due to the extra sugar/sweets ect. that she fills him up with.

Explain to her that you have limits for your son and that you expect her to be a part of his learning and not a distraction. Ask for her assistance with his treat/candy receiving. Tell her you would love for her to be able to give him rewards whenever she is around, but how important her love for your son is as well. Explain that you want your son to love her as a person and not just the gifts she brings.

Turning the tables without telling her to get out of your home is the next step.

If she is unwilling to work with you,,,,you can limit the number of visits she makes. (Put her on a schedule, reward her :)

I'm sure I'm on my own with this opinion but I have to say I think your over reacting a bit. She is not hurting him. I guess you could ask her to only give him one treat, but she is his aunt. I have 3 kiddos and my sister has 2 kiddos. I do what I want with hers and visa versa. Isn't that the fun thing about being an aunt?

Just today my sister gave my 3 month old son his first sucker. Yep, 3 months. It was such fun watching them together doing something "naughty"!

Chances are this aunt doesn't have any children or she would think more like a mom but she is aunt and with that comes the idea that she is going to be favorited by spoiling. My daughter does the same with my granddaughter and my advice is let her as long as it isn't a every day thing. It is something special with them and you might have something she can give him that isn't sugary as much. My daughter in law is wonderful about letting Aunt Cassie spoil Emma to a point. She will tell her when she has had enough sweets and just laughs and shakes her head when Cassie sneaks that last piece to Emma. Cassie is 27 by the way..lol. Thing is, the bonding between an Aunt and niece or nephew is a special one and a positive one so just smile and know it will be ok. I bet your son is healthy and has enough meals that once in a while it won't hurt.

Yes, it's okay for aunt, uncles, & grandparents to spoil our children - and it's a good thing, but only to a point. The next time you see a relative offering your child a treat before mealtime, or if the child is being punished and shouldn't be given a treat at that time, say to the relative, "That's so nice of you to give Junior a treat. He hasn't had lunch yet, so I'll take it and put it in the cupboard until he's finished lunch."

At family gatherings, etc., where are you when others give your child 5 cupcakes and you don't know it? A 3 yr. old especially should be monitored no less than every 15 minutes, even when playing with relatives. Same applies for relatives giving your child suckers & treats - a 3 yr. old can get into a lot of trouble or get hurt in a very short period of time. Does he go into the front yard alone to greet relatives? He is too young to know not to greet or go with a stranger, while alone in the front yard.

I have nieces and nephews. I *always* ask their parents first, unless they're staying the night/weekend/week/etc. Then I'm on duty. But any other time *always* ask first, and *never* put them in a position to have to say no in front of the kids.

Of course, turnabout is fair play. If you DH loaded up HER kids into sugar rushes without asking (or even their sister, who has enlisted sis #2)... it's payback time, and you've been caught in the middle.

The "toy wars" got fairly extensive in our family (most annoying toy wins, but there is always retaliation). I can't remember the toy that finally pronounced a desperate "TRUCE!" but it happened when I was about 14, and my youngest cousin was 2. The toy wars followed the "restaurant wars" from back in the BC (before children), where the people visiting chose the restaurant, and those that lived there paid. Hotel Del Coronado called the truce in that particular battle. It was all in good fun. But the married into my nutsy family would definately get the short end of the stick from time to time.

My good friend are adopting in a few weeks. And guess what? That screaming monkey toy they gave my son when he was 2... they don't know it yet... but they will pay for that one. And dearly.

But personally... no... "spoiling" has to be agreed to by ME, or they don't get the opportunity to do so. ;) I do it with a smile, and everyone has learned that when I'm smiling I'm dead serious. So I give others the same respect that I call for.

Your kid, your rules. Plain and simple. And it doesn't matter what ANYONE thinks about you or your rules. They will get over it. Whether it's at your house or their house - your kid, your rules. I had to put my foot down with my in-laws over the exact same issue. Now my child only gets candy or sweets when I allow it - which is a very rare treat, as it should be. And my in-laws all now completely understand that they must ask me or my husband before offering candy or sweets to our kids. Maybe they'll feel differently when the see your child needing 6 cavities filled and the cost of the dental bill from candy!

lol....sorry but i went thru this with my ex father in law-wasnt at the time-but my daughter was their 1st granbaby-oh my the battles i had to fite-they would come from texas to visit-in the am-he would give her pie an ice cream before breakfast...grrrrr...just did what he wanted..well i finally put my foot down-said im the mom-i make the rules-the finale straw was when she was 1 he took her out on the speed boat with no life jacket-on milacs lake-i hit the roof...not only was it incredibly stupid,irresponsible-but was just plain disrespectful to me an the safety of my daughter-they got a good butt chewing-an i grounded them from the boat for the day.your the mom-set the boundaries.

Just wanted you to know that I have the same issue with my sister. She is always stopping over which is great but when she comes she always is bringing them candy or gum or pop. I have asked her to stop and that it isn't necessary they enjoy seeing her and don't need candy eveytime she come. It usually doesn't make a difference and falls on deaf ears. It's not a battle I am willing to fight right now. I just don't give them candy at all during the week so when she does stop with candy it's not like they are full of sweets.