My 3.5 year old son behavior seems to be getting worse. He is incredibly whiny. I know a lot of it is his age and a lot is our circumstance. We have moved twice in the last year and by move I mean cross-country. I am a military wife, so my husband is often deployed. He left Dec 1, 2008 and came home May 1, 09 then was gone all of June and beginning of July and is now only home every other week. I also have a 16 month old daughter that demands attention.
I completely feel for him and I am trying my best to balance all aspects of our family life, but because of his recent behavior, I feel like I am coming up short with him. He has, in the last week, begun to hit. He punched his sister square in the eye this morning. He kicked me in the chest today when I was trying to help him change his clothes. He says, "I don't care anymore about you." And he throws tantrums that I am amazed at. I really want to nip all of the in the bud. He has been a terrible whiner for a while now and his younger sister has picked up that bad habit and I would hate for her to learn any of these other bad things. She really loves him and looks up to him
If anyone has any ideas I would love to hear them. Anything from forms of discipline to ideas of positive attention and quality one-on-one time.
Thanks!
He started preschool this week and fall soccer starts in Sept. I also would like to get into private swim lessons! Thanks for all the ideas!
A., I can totally relate. My 3 1/2 year old girl went through it too. I read the book 1-2-3 Magic by Dr. Thomas Phelan. It has worked wonders! There is also DVD that shows actual examples of how it works. Here is a link to their website: http://www.parentmagic.com/.
Good luck!
The mom who mentioned getting your son more active seemed right on track. If I can just add something from my own experience: I have a 3.5 year old daughter, and I have noticed that her behavior gets considerably worse if I don't REALLY focus on her when I'm spending time with her. It's so easy to be thinking about what I need to do next, how tired I am, etc. But when I really make a point to focus completely on what she's saying or how she's feeling, her behavior begins to improve. A few weeks ago, my husband and I were feeling that our daughter was almost turning into a "brat." I stepped back from the situation and decided to try the focusing thing, and the results are amazing. We seem to have our sweet-natured girl back. She's not perfect, but there is quite a difference. Also, I'm really working on being CONSISTENT and CALM with discipline, when it's needed. A book that has been helpful to me with that is "Making Children Mind without Losing Yours" by Dr. Kevin Leman. He talks a lot about teaching children to understand that their actions have consequences. Once rules are in place (i.e., no hitting), breaking those rules comes with a consequence which you enforce calmly. You're teaching the child that he has the choice to decide his actions, but after making that choice, he will have to accept the consequences, good or bad. There's such a power struggle at this age, with kids wanting to be more independent, so this approach really makes a lot of sense to me. Not that I'm always perfect in applying the approach (!), but I'm working on it. I see immediate positive results when I do try to discipline in this way. So, those two things together (and not one without the other), focused, loving attention and what Leman calls "reality discipline," have been very helpful to me. I hope this helps.
I have a new baby and two rowdy boys, who will be 4 and 7 in a couple of weeks. The absolute best thing I can recommend is to read John Rosemond (rosemond.com). He teaches how to be a leader and how to parent effectively, and how to nip poor behaviors in the bud - but it's no miracle cure and won't happen overnight, but it will happen if you are consistent. His book Six Point Plan for Raising Happy Healthy Children is excellent. He has a number of others as well - I haven't read them all. My husband has been in the military for a year now, and is often gone. It does affect the children, but does not excuse poor behavior. Good luck, and I know how you feel!
Hi A.,
Not sure what base you are on but I know that Camp Lejeune offers drop in childcare at 3 different facilities. Maybe you could set up some type of reward system with your son that if he behaves well for a certain amount of time, you will take your 16 month old to daycare and the two of you can go do something special, like get ice cream.
Just an idea.
BW
Before I do anything else I want to thank you and your husband for your service to the country. The sacrifices your husband and your family are making are truly honored.
Your son is craving attention and stability in his little world. My son did exactly the same thing when I went back to school. If I had a paper or an exam due, his behavior went into the toilet. I realized he wanted attention and he would take the negative attention he got over no attention every time. I started making special time just for him to do the things he wanted to do. (I also had a 1 year old daughter.) It's hard to find the time but maybe you can find a babysitting coop or trade time with other mom's so you can do things outside the house that he loves.
As to the whining, my daughter became a pro at it. I took the tack that I didn't understand "whine". I treated it like she was speaking another language and I would be very "confused". When she finally repeated her request without the whine, I would exclaim, "Oh that's what you meant. I'm so glad you could tell me in a way I could understand." I was consistent with this approach and the whining finally stopped.
I also recommend Scream-free Parenting by Hal Runkel. He has a great technique for putting parents back in charge in a calm fashion.
Good luck.
Sounds to me like he is looking for attention. I think you're on the right track about wanting to spend time one-on-one with him. How about story time when his sister is taking a nap?
You son sounds like mine. He has to be active and if he's not then he goes crazy and starts acting out.I am also a military wife,7 years, so I know what you are talking about with deployment and work up schedules. My kids also know all about deployments and work ups and TAD etc!!!
When my son was around 3.5 we moved to Ft. Bragg and the first thing I did was get him into the part day pre-school as well as gymnastics and soccer here on base. I don't know what branch you are but I'm sure there is a child and youth services of some kind that offers many different activities for little ones. Here on Bragg if your husband is deployed most of them are free all you have to do is register them. If he's not deployed then the part day pre-school is based on your husbands rank/income, the soccer was $26 for the entire season and that included his shirt, and gymnastics is only 30 or something like that a month. So I guess what I'm trying to get at is that it's not expensive and it gives him some sort of schedule and familiarity as was well as an outlet for energy!!! It gives him something to look forward to everyday and it also gives you a bargaining chip at the same time. All while allowing you to devote time to your work while he is at school during the day and not have to worry about neglecting him.
Another thing I do with my kids while daddy is gone is once a week my oldest(now 4.5) gets to pick a place to go eat dinner. It's usually chick-fil-a. We go there, the kids eat their dinner and go play in the play area for an hour or so, whatever I feel I can handle while just sitting there :) Then instead of opening their happy meal toys we turn them back in, get an ice cream, eat that and go home. Another cheap way to make him feel special since hes the big boy and gets to pick, he runs off energy while playing, and he has something once a week to look forward to.
I hope I didn't ramble too much and this helps. If you need anything else or just someone to talk to about deployment stress and kids please feel free to pm me...Good Luck
My son will be 4 in a few weeks. He behaves much the same. He messes with stuff he's not supposed to. He hits, bites, whines constantly. No matter what he always seems unhappy. It's a strain and we've tried everything. I'm beginning to think it's the age and hope he'll grow out of it.
We do thinks like tell him well talk onces he stops crying. Consistently giving time-outs for aggressive behavior. We ignore his demands for a few moments to teach him patients. We have him in daycare and make sure he gets plenty of exercise and sleep. Like I said, nothing is working.
He has his good points and I'm hoping age will mellow him out a bit.
I would def take some time to give him attn, he really needs the attn from you and his father. He is acting up b/c bad attn is better than no attn. I would also start telling him that when he whines, you will not listen. When he speaks like a big boy, you will listen. I would walk away when he whines and completely ignore him. As for him hitting his sister, you tell him "we do not hit!" "no sir" Stick him in his room or a time out corner for 3 mins and tell him that when he can be nice to his sister, he can come out. When he is done, he must go and apologize to her and hug her to show her love. Lastly, I would suggest putting him in a 2-3 day a week daycare if you can. Just a mother's day out would help at a church. He may need to get out and be around other children and learn to listen to other adults. He will learn things like sitting at a chair and table when told, listening skills, learning rules, respect, socializing with other chilren, and then of course, his abc's, coloring, etc
A.,
I find on days I need to get alot done, if I will set aside 30 minutes at the beginning of the morning and then 10 - 15 minutes every couple of hours for 1 on 1 time with my now 3 year old...my days are much more productive.
This age is very demanding of attention, and boys LOVE hands on things. If you have an area of your house where you can let your son play with play doh with out much supervision...that is always a great tool. All three of my boys (3, 7, & 9) love it, and will play with it for hours. Another great toy for boys are legos, they can build and rebuild and rebuild. And when they are playing with those type of individual toys it is really easy to drop what I am doing and sit downt with them for 10 - 15 minutes at a time.
It takes a special kind of woman to be a military wife and "single mother" even though married. You can do it, and there is a vast sisterhood of women just like you everywhere you are. You are not alone even when you feel it sometimes.
God Bless,
T.
Military Wife, Mother of 3, and in a great sisterhood!
oh hun i feel for you im in the same bolt my son will be 4 in nov and at his worst nothing is working with him let me know if you get anything that works
tear
