Bigotry

Bigotry has always referred to major discrimination which results in atrocities while ordinary discrimination is just discrimination to me. Bigotry is of a higher order. For example: a bigot does not allow for any possibility of there being anything other than their own belief and will cause harm to prove it while one who discriminates won't associate with someone of a different race but otherwise leaves them alone.

I also think of a bigot as someone who hates a trait in someone else while being unaware that they have the same trait.

Usually awareness of one's own bigotry is unknown to them. That is part of the definition of a bigot in my mind. Once I'm aware that my beliefs do not fit reality I may still discriminate but I'm no longer a bigot.

I keep myself aware of how I think and act to see that they fit with my wish to respect everyone. I combat my own thru awareness. I don't combat anyone elses discriminatory acts. I will not laugh at insensitive jokes and will talk about respect and acceptance if I feel that the person might hear me. I do not argue tho. I will also show support to those who are discriminated against.

I teach my children thru example and discussions.

Later: I also ignore it when responding will result only in drama and not an exchange of ideas. I also ignore it when it's in my best interests to not get involved. ie. I'm tired, have other more important things on which to focus my energy.

I think it is impossible to be completely free of some form of prejudice. Humans are an animal, after all. Most creatures prefer being with their own kind, so to an extent prejudice/bigotry is inherent in all living things.

Watch animals, and you will see that this is true. I have different species of birds, and they tend to stick together (birds of a feather, and all that), and I've often wondered how they know what type of bird they are, since they don't have a mirror. But they do. (Now that I think further, it's obviously their call.)

Anyway, the way you keep your kids free of it is to model acceptance yourself. I have been pretty careful not to make judgmental statements about other people around my kids, for the most part, and they are very tolerant people. However, I'm still fallible, and occasionally catty, so one time not long ago I made a judgmental statement (not about race, but still, judgmental) about someone else around my son. To my immense pride, my son responded with: "Get over it."

I got off my high horse, but knew that I had done well by my kids. :)

one of the best ways to do this is to be mindful of what you say and not to criticize others, be an example to your children, especially when there is a public display of it.

say someone says or does something to you when you are out with you kids that seems like bigotry. respond with loving and kindness (that doesnt always mean you have to take it, there are nice ways of telling people to shove it)

think it over and say what you would want your children to say. do what you want your children to do.

i always tell my children there is no such thing as a girl color or boy color, if my daughter makes a club that says girls only, i take down the sign and explain that we dont discriminate against anyone.
if my kids mention skin color or hair color or any physical differences, i tell them that everyone is beautiful in their own way, especially when they are beautiful inside.
i think the small things count for a lot

1) Each and every one of us is raised in a different familial and physical environment. Until we are challenged on it, we will feel our way is the only correct way.
2) We all will have a "narrow minded" out look until we learn or are convinced to change the way we feel about a person, place or thing. We must learn that no man is an island and to embrace everyone and their differences with a respect which will only take place by "educating" ourselves on the person, place, or thing that we are not knowledgable about.
3) See 1 and 2.

First of all, don't think like a victim! I never had time for my friends talking about "feminist" stuff, because I refused to believe being female was an issue. Technically, are females discriminated against with wages and mentalities of others? YES but the less power you give it the better in my mind. The misconceptions of others about women are not my problem. As far as racial bigotry, it will always be around. You let it get you down, or you acknowledge the bigot has the problem and move on. You teach your kids it's wrong to hate because of race/religion, or be cruel, or talk cruel and to recognize it when they see it.

Sometimes there are opportunities to stand up for people in skirmishes and votes, and you always should, but for the most part, going around "looking for bigotry" and dwelling on the perceived prejudices of others will not help you, it will only hurt you. Focus on the good people in the world, and not the bad, and teach your kids to be in the good section.

Afraid your kids will be abused by a bigoted person? If something is too abusive, it would be against the law, so I wouldn't worry too much about that.

When I'm in a position to be discriminated against (rare for a white person but it has happened) I feel the person acting that way has their reasons, be it fear or revenge or how they were raised-I don't hate and I don't let it get me down. What's my option? to get SO MAD that this particular person hates whites and really dwell on the fact that they dont' like me and may have been UNFAIR to me? Think of all the other people being discriminated against, realize it's a reality, and pick the right path for you and yours.

So for your letters

a) for your own bigotry, there is only one rule, don't judge people by race, religion or other superficial means. For other's bigotry, don't sweat it.

b) Combating bigotry? I don't. It's like all forms of evil, it will always exist. Well, we did leave a neighbor's house when they started saying racist things. I cheerfully said I didn't want the kids hearing that, and explained to the kids after it was not OK to show our approval of their mean words. So you can do stuff like that. If I was alone, I may have ignored it since my views are set and not vulnerable, but I had to show the kids it wasn't OK.

c) Show your children through talking, reading, history lessons, and how you treat others. Always refer to people of other races in the same respectful terms you use for all people. Talk to everyone the same way when you're out and about. I just read the kids a Joe Louis boxing children's book last night. It started us talking about blacks in America when he rose to fame, and Germans and Nazis (he fought a German opponent in one part during Hitler's ascension) and everything. The kids are only 5 and 3, but they know whites used to be very mean to blacks and some still are, and lots of people hate other people who are different, and there will always be evil in the world, but it's not OK. They already get it in scale to their ages. We've had many of those talks, and we'll have many more. You need to be their source of facts and ethics, and be open about it.

ALSO, at this age, you DO have to tell them not to meniton skin color or they accidetnally will! Don't just "not mention it" in an effort to be PC. It's natural for them to notice the difference. With little kids, you have to have the "Some people have light skin, and some people have dark skin, and some people have medium skin, but you don't say it out loud, and everyone is the same on the inside."

We were raised in an anti bigotry home, in a white rural area a lot like where we live now, and my brother and I never thought it was OK to judge other races or groups. It wasn't complicated to grasp because our parents taught us clearly. We were the only kids who played with a boy at school who wasn't "white" and we didn't learn until much later that the area we were in at the time was racist and that's why no one else played with him.

We live in an almost all white town at the moment (drag) and my kids have said, "Look, mom, a BLACK person" before in excited wide wonder. UGGGHH!!!! I had to explain it's not polite to point out physical traits....sort of a hard concept when they're little. We were driving in Philly and my 3 year old said, "Wow there are a lot people walking here....a lot of BLACK PEOPLE walking!!!!" I was like, "Yes, there are all different people all different places that's why life is cool" type thing.

We need to get out more often. I'd probably have less work to do on the topic if diversity was around us.

Living and raising children in a small town is a bit of a challenge. Right now, it's easy. It's my and my husband's open-mindedness that is steering our children in the right direction. Acceptance and caring for all race, religions and any other difference is something we can easily pass down since they are both under 7. I get that self righteousness, though. It's hard to NOT be proud of clarity and understanding. Especially in the face of many neighbors around us displaying their small minded fears. The hard part is not being able to change these people around us. No matter what I say, they will believe as they believe.

True conversaton with my neighbor's 21 year old daughter:

She: "It's too bad all these blacks are moving in, there is so much crime now"
Me: "Oh please, it's not the blacks! It's the poor, uneducated people who dont know how and haven't been taught to live their lives to a higher standard."

I know I didn't change the way she thinks about race. I just couldn't help myself.

I am hoping that, as parents, we can impress upon our children enough to keep their minds open and willing to treat everyone with respect and dignity and not judge them. We read read read. And we model a way of thinking that I am hoping is rubbing off in a big way. There is hardly any diversity in her school, race wise. We actually CHOSE to place our daughter in a class with special needs so she could be a peer leader and grasp the understanding that there are many different types of people in the world. Some are smarter, friendlier, happier. Some need a little bit of help and understanding, but can be just as good of friends. I hope that doing so opened her eyes and heart a little bit. Like I said, we live in a small town. Hopefully, we're steering her in the right way and laying the right groundwork now. That's about all we can do.

There are already some wise answers below. Just wanted to mention that there are many out there who advocate not talking about race (or other differences) because it highlights difference rather than sameness (ie. color-blindness). In fact, there was a study that was supposed to delve into how parents talk to their children about different topics, one of which was race. The families in the study all pulled out and the study was never completed, because of their fear of talking about race. Here's an article that discusses why not talking is so problematic:
http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/should_we_ta...

The author says:
"the words we say (or don’t say) are only one way children learn about their world. When children see their parents or other adults tense up around members of other groups, or notice that adults’ social networks are not very diverse, or pick up on racial segregation in their environment, there is a clear message being communicated: Skin color does matter—just in a secret way that nobody is going let you in on."

I think exposure to difference is critical, though I find it difficult where we live (predominantly white) to find opportunities for such exposure! Thanks for the discussion and the encouragement for self-inquiry!

I worried when I adopted from another country that we may face some prejudice. Our son is Latino and we are not. Everyone in our family married within our white, Christian, non hispanic culture. I am embarrassed to say we did not think we could do a good job raising a Haitian or African American child, what do we know about growing up black in a white neighborhood? Well its been nearly 6 yrs and we have only encountered smiles and acceptance of our son for the person that he is and we have been judged kindly for our decision (everywhere but Mamapedia) I now think we could have adopted a child from any country!
I do regard some statements about international adoption as prejudice. To lump the thousands and thousands of loving families formed by international adoption over the last 4 decades with the illegal adoptions (which occur here as well) is like lumping all white US people with the KKK and all of German descent....well you get the idea. There are sad exceptions to the rule but not all international adoptions are a result of kidnapping, coercion or fraud just as we are all not members of the KKK. For someone whose background includes being adopted from another country to read such an overgeneralization is sad.

And the question is? No question make no question...

i have recently had to deal with another mother expecting me and my daughter to leave a car exibit so that her boys could come in and take over the exibit, her boys, one about 5, the other about 6, make the tragic error of trying to step OVER my daughter so THEY could take over the exibit, when i physcially blocked first one boy and then the other from stepping on my 17 month old, shoeless daughter, their mother then made the horrorendous error of berating me for defending my daughters personal space, bad mistake on her part. they could me cursing this woman OUTSIDE. .she scurried off, rubbing her ears, and took her brats with her. i waited 20 years for my daughter and i will not tolerate her being bullied
K. h.
bigotry and adoption, what a loaded subject, yes, typically adoptive couples want and sometimes demand, healthy white male infants, while non white, some times not quite healthy, non white infants are overlooked. our daughter has asian features, but her hair is flame red, and her eyes are a deep blue, and she is not adopted. she looks like a scots/irishman took a long stroll thru chinatown. she honestly looks like both of us.

Children learn from our example. I have tried to bring my sons up with an open mind and believing that race, gender, sexual orientation isn't what makes a person good or bad. I believe that all of us have a bit of prejudice or bigotry in them. Society does seem to teach this more often than tolerance and acceptance. But a bigger person can overlook and overcome this and see and appreciate and learn from everyone. And that is what I want my kids to do.