Blended Families

Do you have room in the house (living room or something) to set up a tent with an airmattress in it? That way the twins could have a place of their own that is private and they'd probably think it's pretty cool to "camp" indoors.

Good luck!

It is hard to read your letter and not get the sense that you are siding with your daughter and placing blame on the twins and your fiance for the issues at hand. I hope you have or will seek counseling or classes on "step-parenting". It can be very hard not to be biased with step children involved. There are many sacrifices you will all make when taking on an additional family. INCLUDING, as you mentioned, adding to the hectic life you probably already had! Remember it is a decision YOU are making, not the children. Therefore, so they don't suffer - YOU should take proper steps to be prepared and make the adjustment as easy as possible for them. (classes or counseling) I admire you for noticing a problem and seeking advice promptly.

Why do the twins, if they are male and female, both share your daughters room? Why not try letting the girl share with your daughter and the boy share with your son. This may help your daughter to feel like it's not just her who has to compromise.

Just some ideas. Good Luck :o)

I don't have experience with blended families, but I came from a large family and I have two sons that have great difficulty sharing a room, so I sympathize with both you and your husband. I try to let them fight some things out, but it is often necessary to arbitrate as this situation is clearly beyond what 5 & 6 year olds can manage on their own. To eleviate the stress in our sitation, we're in the process of re-arranging things so that each boy can have their own room, as personal space is important.

Why not put the boy twin in the room your son, so your daughter isn't the only one that feels invaded? It does seem unfair that she has to give up her space while brother keeps his. And, it would be ideal to set aside private space in the room for each child, so the twins feel more comfortable.

Or, do you not have another room in the house where you could put aerobeds or something and give the twins their own space, with some storage for their own toys and things - 1/2 of a game room or a corner in the home office. They may feel so timid because they sense they're invaders. And, your daughter is right to feel upset about her space being invaded.

To accomodate our boys having their own rooms, we've moved the home office to the formal dining area and are redoing the home office for my older son.

Hi,

I read your email and while I am not yet at that stage of a relationship, I just know it's around the corner. To be honest with you, I would seek out a professional - a counselor that does co-parenting work would be my choice. I know of two therapists - one in Irving and the other in Dallas.

There is a book that you might want to take a look at called, Mom's House, Dad's House. While it's more on the co-parenting topic, there are some references to blending families.

Hope all goes well.

J., I come from a blended family and I can honestly say that I have had good and bad experiences being in a blended family. I have a step-mother, a step-father and a step-grandmother who has been married to my grandfather for over thirty-five years and believe me, even after thirty-five years, her behavior and sometimes hurtfull comments remind me that she will never accept her step-children and step-grandchildren as her own. That being said, I feel as though I can give you some advice on your situation. I do not know what your financial situation is but I strongly feel that you should look in to buying a bigger house. These children need to feel like your home is also their home. A child needs their own space. If you absolutely cannot buy another house I would consider buying bunk beds for both of your childrens' bedroom's because together you have two boys and two girls. If these were all of your own children and you all lived in this house I believe that this would already be the situation don't you think? You need to put yourself in your future step-childrens' shoes. These children are at a critical stage in their psychological development and they need to feel loved and welcomed especially by their father. I urge you and your blended family to get family counceling ASAP! This situation needs to be resolved NOW, not when one of these children begins to show behavioral and emotional problems. Be honest with yourself and your feelings and make a choice that will be in the best interest of all of these children, not your best interest. You and your fiance are the adults here and you both need to parent these children, not let them work it out themselves!

Hi J....Wow you have gotten a lot of imput! But, here is my 2 cents. I have 5 year old twins (one boy, one girl), as I'm sure you have seen they do have a tight little bond. My suggestion is to have your daughter and the twin girl share the same room so they can do some bonding. And the same thing with your son and the twin son. I'm sure your son because of his age won't like this much, but this will break-up the twin team. Because there is strength in numbers twins agains your daughter, this might help. Also, if you decide to try this the day of trying this have your son and the twin boy do something special where it is just them to help them bond and for the twin boy be excited about doing something away from his sister. And the same thing with your daughter and the girl twin. I't might be hard at first but then this will become routine and the twins will be excited about coming over and your daughter too, probally not your son though!!! Here's hoping all goes well, best of luck to you and family.

J.,
I know you want to let them work things out on their own but one of the absloute worst mistakes a parent can make is to let young children work things out by fighting amongst themselves.
It's not constructive and they rarely learn anything from it besides how to bully or how to be subsurviant (or annoying tattle tales). It's just not in human nature to think straight while being angry without having been taught to do so by someone else. This is an ancient premis of many martial arts. Emotion control is learned, not natural.

You can take more passive action through story telling or role playing. Get story books about bullying, tattle tales, whinning, sibling rivalries, and mixed families. Read to them a lot and make a point to discuss what you read. This will work best with the 6 and 5 year olds as they are at a very impressionable age. Also play the "what would you do if you were in their shoes" game a lot. This can be fun and teaches compassion and kindness. When you see a situation on TV, they mention something from school, or you read about someone in one of the books- apply the game. Ask "How do you think she feels? What if it happened to you? What would you do if you were her?
Every time they get angry at each other let them fight for no more than 5-10 miniutes. Beyond this and the problem will ensue into a chaotic meltdown. This short fight rule will also ensure that they have a few miniutes to put what they learned into action so they can try to resolve things themselves.
Once you have stopped a fight you have to sit them all down and talk about it. Make them think about each others feelings.
As they get older you can increase the time you allow them to fight.
Read a book and play this game a minimum of once per day while they are over at your house. And since they are at begining reading age, don't hord the books. Let them look at the pictures, play with them, and try to read them.

If you can teach them emotional control and give them compassion and tools for arguing constructively they will not only be solving your own problem but you will be giving them something they will thank you for and use when they are grown up.

RPocai

I agree with Mary about the air mattress...either one queen sized or two twin sized...even if you have to use it in the front room and set it up each night. I don't think it's being selfish, I think it's respecting your daughter's and son's space. Put some simple cubbies or shelves in a corner in the room you use for the BF's kids' things. This is temporary...until you can make other arrangements. Or you could try putting the two girls and two boys together if that works best. Experiment. Ask for input from them.

I don't believe in putting kids in a room and shutting the door because there will always be those who run things and those who get run over. I believe in setting examples for the kids....guiding them in this area since they are new to each other and these circumstances. Definite rules....5 main ones and consequences posted on the fridge or someplace at their eye level. All situations can be dealt with from these core rules for everyone...even mom and dad. Make sure the consequence truly fits the crime. Remember, when you set that consequence....it affects the entire household. A couple of rules have to center on respect for each other's things and respect for each other's privacy. Mom and Dad need to do activities with the kids....board games at a certain time...puzzles....you get the picture. Teach them to share and take turns by setting up a good system for picking movies and programs on television...and you'll have to keep track of whose turn it is for awhile. Always accentuate the positive actions and reactions. They need to use their words and not their limbs for getting a point across. Inside voices. Time-out? Sure. Grounding? Sure. Raking leaves? Sure. Whatever seems to fit....and for a designated amount of time. Swats? Sure, if one's actions poses a danger or hazard for another. Teach them to think things through. Don't expect them to know how to act until they've had some instructions and examples set for them. You're the adults...but respect their feelings. Expect them to respect yours, too. I didn't say to let them run things and constantly give in to them. It makes kids feel good to be considered a helpful contributer to the family.

Good luck and God Bless...

http://www.missBrenda.com

My kids are a little younger, but this will probably work BETTER with older kids. If they are bickering, for ANY reason, no matter who "started" it, everyone sits in time-out. They come out of time-out and apologize to each other and to me for not playing nicely.
The other tactic I've read, which should work well with kids the age of yours, is to put them in a room together and shut the door. They can come out when they've resolved their differences. This one is in a couple different books -- "Making Kids Mind Without Losing Yours" by Kevin Leman and "Parenting with Love & Logic" by Jim Fay.
The theory behind letting them work it out amongst themselves is that the fighting actually has nothing to do with each other -- it has everything to do with getting the parent's attention and getting you involved in their business.

Hi J.,

Let me first off say that I know your pain and by personal experience it can get better. I come from a blended family and there were times we felt like World War III had erupted in our home. It is even harder when all the kids don't live with you and are not able to have their own space. My suggestion would be to have the twins move into your son's room. They are all boys and that just seems like to me that they would get along better. My brother and my two stepbrothers had to all share a room but after a while it became great fun for them. Even though your son is quite a bit older than the twins they might think it is really cool to stay with their big brother.
As far as the discipline, I think you and your husband both have the right idea. It is good for kids to work out their differences but when they are little they are just fighting, not trying to solve the problem. The most important thing is to be patient with the kids, this is so hard for them and always keep a united front with your husband (even when you disagree). Kids are so smart and can pick up on those things and unfortunatley use that to their advantage.

Take care and hang in there :)

First question... Why can't the twins have their own room? Can you just not afford a bigger place? Or are there other reasons?

Secondly, you do have to realize that the twins DO feel like they are visitors because they DON'T live there and your daughter does. Your daughter feels like her space is invaded because she feels like that place IS HER'S since she lives there. She must be reminded that it's NOT HER room only, but all the children's.

Yes, I think they should argue to a certain extent. All whole-siblings argue and the parents don't always break it up. If these kids are to be step-siblings to each other, they should learn to deal with each other.

It sounds to me that there is more territorial issues than anything. Your daughter seems like she feels that she OWNS the place since that is her HOME. And then here comes these twins that visit and it's NOT their home so she still has reign over it.

Blended families are hard... very hard... what you must always remember, try not to take favorites over your biological child because that will make the twins feel alienated... it's hard for them because they are coming into a "family" and they are the outsiders.

As you know you and your fiancee should always present a united front, and you should discuss how to handle these situations prior to the twins visits. Rather than your daughter giving up all of her space to the twins perhaps you should put the boys in one room and girls in the other, so your daughter is only sharing with another little girl. You should also help your children to understand that the rooms aren't solely their rooms, but perhaps they can each have 'their' side of the room as in a typical shared room situation. If they are always aware that the rooms aren't just for them, they may feel less of an intrusion. They should be encouraged to understand that when you are married your fiancee's children will become their brother and sister.

The twins may feel helpless also in that they have nothing of their own at their fathers house and that may be encouraging the fighting, whining and tattling.

I can say from personal experience that if you and your fiancee aren't able to come to some resolution regarding discipline on both sides of that fence, it will never work and you will end up resenting each other because you feel you need to defend 'your' kids with each other and the other kids. At this rate it's a disaster waiting to happen.