Brokenhearted

I seriously felt the same way when the lovely "Anna" dropped my son. He was 17 and devastated, even boys cry.
Keep her busy, start a project, maybe paint her room or something.
Does she like antique stores, the mall, bowling. Do something fun this week and it will be behind her in no time.

Try not to criticize him or show how upset you are with him, even if she does. How she makes it through will set the tone for how she handles her relationships to come. She'll probably resist but try to do some fun things with her to take her mind off her pain. Listen to her and love her, she needs you now.

This is what my mom gave me when my boyfriend went off to college and stopped dating me:

"Forget his name,
Forget his face,
Forget his kiss,
His warm embrace.

Forget his love that you once knew;
Remember he has someone new.

Forget him when they played your song,
Remember when you cried all night long.

Forget how close you once were,
Remember he has chosen her.

Forget how you memorized his walk,
Forget the way he used to talk,
Forget the things he used to say,
Remember he has gone away.

Forget his laugh,
Forget his grin,
Forget the dimples on his chin,
Forget the way he held you tight,
Remember he's with her tonight.

Forget the time that went so fast,
Forget the love that moved; it's past.

Forget he said, "I'll leave you never."

Remember...

He's gone forever."

J., I was devastated, but kept on going. I have to admit that I made a poster with all the things I had that reminded me of him. Movie stubs, the bowling card (best game I ever bowled - a 141!) A political cartoon that he remarked on, his favorite Voltaire quote, AND that poem my mom gave me. I STILL have that poster. AND... J., I married that man 6 years later.

Now, I'm not recommending you give your daughter that poem, LOL! But I always think of that when young girls get dumped. My mom was understanding and said to me "Honey, he's not grown up yet. He needs to date other girls, and you need to date other boys. I know you don't feel that way right now, but you will after a while." And she was right.

I'm glad my mom wasn't too angry with him. I will say that when I got to college, (same school), he was sitting outside my dorm room waiting for us to arrive so that he could help my dad move me in. None of us expected that - I didn't even know he knew which dorm I would be in. My parents looked at each other and both say quietly "Here we go again!"

Anyway, you never know who she will end up marrying. He's my highschool sweetheart and this weekend we'll be married 29 years.

Now I have a son who is in this kid's shoes, I have to admit. The difference is that he and his girlfriend are both 18. She has one more year of high school to go. He will go off to college next month. He has told her that they need to date other people, and she doesn't want to hear that. His college is 16 hours away, so it will be hard for them to see each other, and I doubt that the relationship will last. He plans on having a talk with her mother about her dating other guys this year - he doesn't want her to miss homecoming or the prom or be lonely. I was proud of him for thinking of this.

Anyway, I wanted to give you perspective from the girl's side (mine as a teen), my mom's side, then my side as a mom of a boy.

Hugs to you both,
Dawn

First of all, I totally understand that you are sympathetic.
However, I have a 24 year old daughter and a 16 year old son.
Instead of wanting to rip the boy's toenails out or torture him in some other fashion, I think you would do well to let your daughter know that even though a break up hurts, at this age, realistically, a 14 year old isn't going to meet her life mate on the first try.
She won't want to hear that. She won't want to hear there are more fish in the sea. She won't want to hear that 2 months from now she may be madly in love with someone else. But, it's true.
Really, I would not be so mad at the boy. My son doesn't have anything to do with girls because they change their mind and have a different boyfriend every week. Not saying your daughter has done that, obviously, but at this age, they just aren't mature. Not the boys and not the girls.
It doesn't mean that puppy love isn't real or that it doesn't hurt if it doesn't work out, but I don't think you should perpetuate anger.
I was 28 when I got married and it didn't work out so a relationship that starts at 14 is rarely bound for destiny.
I think that you should focus on the positives. He did break up with her kindly.
They've known each other a long time and it might take a long time, but perhaps they can be friends.
I was 16 the first time a boy asked me to go steady and I said yes. I broke up with him the next day because I wasn't sure what all of that meant. It wasn't him, it was me.
We ended up being best friends because we truly did like each other. Love for life? No.
Your daughter is very young. Things are magnified for her now. You need to be understanding but also a voice of reason.
He's not evil for being young and too immature for a serious committment.
I would applaud him for knowing that and being honest.
They are, after all, still kids.

She'll be all right. Make sure she knows that and be patient with her.
Don't go hating too hard on the boy.

Best wishes.

This comes from a 16 year old whose guardians are mean and often made comments like "Glad hes gone" when the boy I fell head over heels with and dated for a year and a half left me.
Just listen. Don't say how bad he is cause she won't feel the same. It might just frustrate her more. I was so unhappy when he left me, and my grandma putting him down just hurt more.
Thats all I can really say, I lost my mom when I was 12 so I am kind of in a similar situation as you. I just know personally, I wish people would have just kept quiet and listened to me.

I'd tell her that the men they look for in their youth is not the same type of men women look for in their young adulthood, mature adulthood or after middle age. He obviously wasn't right for her - or else things wouldn't have ended. Try not to sink into her sticky emotions right now - be the rock she can pull herself up with.

I'd also say that some men will fit better into their lives than others, but making sure she is happy and confident with herself, to concentrate on her education and work life is more important.

You KNOW she will learn so much about life and people from this experience. You KNOW she will survive this and be a more mature woman from this. You KNOW her heart will be stronger from this. Right?

Remind her that even though she is no longer someone's girlfriend, she is still a loving daughter and good friend to someone. She was a friend and daughter to someone before the boyfriend. She is still a friend and daughter to someone now and long after the next 5 boyfriends.

Remind her that her identity should never ever ever lie in "belonging" or being attached to someone else - boy, girl, teacher, parents, roommate, etc.

Remind her she isn't someone who just broke up w/her boyfriend and now she has to listen to music, dance, read, eat by herself. She is first - someone who loves the music she loves, reads the books she reads, eats her favorite foods, enjoys what she loves doing...and THEN she is that person who just happened to break up w/her boyfriend. She is still all those previous things.

I'm glad she has such a funny and caring mama like you. Most moms aren't as supportive (or has the desire to be as devious) as you. I hope she will bounce back soon.

May I mention that I'd like to help you?
-Oh, Mama friend, this is so tough. So many of us hurt soooo bad when our children are hurting. And your own mother's death might have left you feeling so abandoned at a young age and you don't want her to feel that way.
When anyone hurts my children, they hurt me.
And I felt my heart break with my sons every time they were rejected. I think it is very normal. My thoughts are to go ahead, climb in and snuggle her. And try to remember where you put those instruments you will use.

It is a hard lesson in life but this does happen. All you can do is be there for her. If she wants you to stay the night in her room do so she just needs to know Mommy is still there and is comforting her. Hell yeah it hurts both mom and daughter. I had my daughter's heart broken and she was engaged and I had to call dad in from home to help out at work so that we could all get things together and she was much older than your daughter.

Let her cry and be her soundboard. She will mope around the house for a few days or weeks and hopefully when school starts up she will find a new friend to buddy with. Just be glad that there are no little people involved in the relationship that would cause a world of drama.

My heart goes out to you and your daughter.

The other S.

PS Go a chick flick this weekend together and have some ice cream together and laugh, laugh and laugh. Then the world won't seem so bad.

I would tell her to just start spending more time with her friends, and forget about him for now. That being single is fine and that now she can just spend time doing all the things that she likes to do. Don't let her sit around the house being sad for long, her getting out of the house and involved in something is the best thing. In a few years she'll be off to college or something and there will be PLENTY of new and probably better opportunities later in life. She's a kid, just enjoy being young and free!

Ah, I remember my first heartbreak as well. I thought my life was over, and the world was coming to an end. My mother, sat with me, fed me ice cream, and let me cry it out. She told me about her first heartbreak, and that it will be hard, but after awhile, things will get better. It was comforting for me to know how she understood, and has been there. She also told me that for awhile I should go out with friends, groups, and let my heart heal, rather then find another guy right away. It was good advice.

J.,

I would look at this as a good thing. At 14, she should have never been in a serious relationship in the first place. Hopefully, at 16, she is in high school and will return to school in the fall, be with lots of other teens, have lots of school work and activities and will get over the guy.

After two years, if you daughter has been sexually active, I would have her doctor give her a check up.

No, I don't understand why you would want to hurt the boy or wish him ill will in his future. After all, he's just a kid too and what happened to your daughter is something that happens to most teenagers. I would be thankful that she didn't get pregnant and then dumped.

I think the two of you should have a mom/daughter night, with pizza, movies, junk food and lots of talking about her bright future and fun next school year.

Blessings....

Hmmmm....so MANY options running through my head right now....

"Men are like buses--there's another O. along every 10 minutes"?

"Trust me, when you're 30, you won't remember this kid's name!"?

It hurts US when anyone hurts our kids! So I understand the fingernail/toenail fantasies.

Can you share with her a break up you lived through when you were her age? Live & learn--I really think 14 was too young to be *that* exclusive with a boyfriend!

Perhaps you are suffering abandonment issues and that will affect your heartbreak but all of us sufer when their kids suffer from any kind of loss. We can only help them process it maturly.

Tell her that loving and breaking up is a natural part of growing up. It gives one character, helps them find what is a good fit and a not good fit for them. Helps them mature. Ask her what he liked bout both him amd how he made her feel. Ask her about what he did that didn't make her feel good about herself, etc.

Go on Amazon.com and find some well reviewed good books on teenage romances to buy her. Tell her that kids's minds don't fully develop until they are 24 so that they more fully know what their likes and dislikes are in relationships. She has plenty of time to evolve and know how to look for a great love and companion. But empathize with her sadness over the loss of what she probably hoped would last a long, long time. OK to kid around and say "Would it help if I go pull out his fingernails one by one? I hate to see you sad like this!!" Let her sleep with you. No biggee. Ask her if she's in the mood to do something together -- movie, hiking, something she enjoys. If you can afford it, see if she wants lessons of some type -- an interesting and enjoyable diversion.

Aw I am sorry for your dd but I have to say your post made me laugh out loud. You obviously have a great sense of humour and OBVIOUSLY you wouldn't pull his finger nails out but I would feel exactly the same with my dd (hopefully I have few years to go yet) :-) In a few weeks she will feel better and with a mom like you she will be laughing again in no time. Be there for her and she will come through fine. Good Luck and thanks for making me laugh. :-)

Some of your responses were....special.
Just love on her, but don't smother her. Follow her lead for a couple days. Then start guiding her out of it. Listen, listen, listen. Try not to say all the "parental" things you want to say.....for now (like anger for ex). It's true when your heart is broken, the last thing you want to do is defend your ex to your mom or friends. Just let her know you're there for her. But in a few days, she needs to come out and start having a life again. Maybe this weekend you can go get a pedicure together and watch a funny chick flick (or whatever she's into). I don't know you guys enough to know her temperment or what you guys like to do, but "walk with me" would be a good thing for me. Just start walking together and talk about life in general. Perhaps you can share an experience from your past of a brokenheart. Being transparent helps. It takes her mind off her hurt, and she can have the benefit of your hindsight and what you learned. As time goes on a little, do tell her that you know and recognize that her feelings were REAL, and the pain is real, but it is also real that she will get over it and meet new people, have a life---a good life, and she will meet the right person at the right time, when she least expects it. In the meantime, there's the upcoming school year and all the things she'll be busying herself with, and she needs to focus on herself and growing into the woman she wants to be, and the RIGHT guy will fall head over heels for that woman. Being a teenager is such an awkward transition! From kid to adult....what path do I take? What do I want? What's even out there to choose from? She'll be fine. I had my heart "broken" 3 times (when I was 12, when I was 17, and the final one when I was 27 who I ended up marrying.....he said he loved me, it was him not me, all the other b.s. that I thought was just the generic "stuff" guys always say....but it was true. A few years later, he got his stuff straight and came back to win me back, and we have a great marriage). It happens. We grow. Just feel it out and follow your instincts. You know her better than anyone. But I would suggest working with her on building her self esteem and self confidence so she doesn't just jump at the first boyfriend opportunity she gets....we girls need to learn that we need to be whole and comfortable in ourselves before we go searching for "love"......2 half people do not make a whole. I have no idea how to teach that though.......I only have 2 boys (4 and 1), but it is a life lesson that changed my life once I got it. Good luck!