Comply with Court Order or Not?

Can you bring someone along to help the child cross the street, or do the exchange in a place where they would not have to be crossing the street, like a school parking lot?

They lifted my restraint order (grrr) on my ex to facilitate exchanges.

Which lead to dozens of (or hundreds, I have up counting months ago) of petty harassment things.

Don't violate the order. If it needs to be altered, get it altered.

If a nine year old doesn't know how to safely cross a street it's time to teach him/her! Seems like that would be better for the child and certainly easier for the parents than trying to get a court order changed.

One always has to comply with a court order. It doesn't matter that the parent violating the order is the one who asked for it in the first place. If you violate the order she can use it against you even tho she also doesn't follow it. Courts do not tolerate violations. Your violation can be reported to the court by any number of different people given the right circumstances. And the court can order a sanction or just be cranky with you and not be open to other changes you might want.

I suggest that rather than change the order, tho the one disagreeing with the way the order is being done can ask for it to be changed (that's your husband), that the people be creative and find a way to comply without endangering the child.

They can exchange the child in an office or home. One parent drops off the child and leaves. The other person picks up the child after the first one leaves. Use a neutral person to supervise in between.

Or both parents can park on the same side of the street. and watch from the sidewalk. One parent can leave the child on the corner and walk away when the other parent is visible. I would be anxious with this arrangement. I'd have your husband talk with his ex about making different arrangements and then have your attorney report to the court what you've agreed upon or report this yourself, using a letter or ask the court if there's a form that's required. The purpose is to document that the change is agreed upon by both parents even tho the court order isn't changed. It may be that you'll have to go back to court to change it. Ask the judge's secretary what will work.

I'd actually use a third neutral person as a go between. I've been a part of this process and it has always worked. Some agencies provide this service. And tho there is a charge it's worth it to have a smooth transition. Friends and relatives will do this for free.

Marda has given sensible advice. I'd never violate a court order, but there are creative ways to comply if everyone cooperates a bit.

But I'm wondering why a 9yo needs an adult to help cross a street in a "nice," low-traffic area. Seems most kids are able to do this by the time they start school. Is this a special-needs child?

My general rule of thumb is that you should NEVER violate a court order. It's just not in anyone's best interest.

Either find a way so you can do the exchange safely for the child.... or go back to court and modify the order.

I can tell you that there are ways to conduct drop off / pick up where the parents do not every have to see each other. I believe you can pay for these services. OR you can just simply designate someone to act as the go-between.... like a babysitter. One parent drops the kid off at 5pm and the other parent shows up at 5:15.

Wow, how heartbreaking for this child. I am so sorry for this 9 yr old in the midst of puberty and natural changes to have to desl with this. It's not this child's fault.

It s in everyone's best interest to follow a court order. Geesh

Why don't you just exchange in the school while the officers are there to see a thorough transfer of the child.

Secondly, a 9 yr old is old enough to cross a street.

Sounds like a lot of mind games and manipulation being played by the parents when the child is the pawn.

All adults need to grow up and be responsible. If that's not possible, have the law enforcement do it for you.

So neither of you have a friend who can walk the child across the street?

I guess that should have been taken into consideration when it was decided that the exchange would require a 9 year old to cross a street alone. Maybe you can walk the child to the other parent's car and safely place the child inside. While you're doing this, the other parent has to walk 100 yards away. I hope, in time, that mom and dad can safely be within 100 yards of each other. Things could get very interesting at special events.

This sounds like a totally moronic arrangement. Why not meet at a police station or other neutral place? One parent drops off in the lobby and walks to his or her car, then the other parent who is parked 100 yards away goes in and gets the child. To do this exchange 100 yards away (the length of a football field - that's quite a distance) on a street doesn't make any sense. Or is there a park near you with a football field or something of similar size? One parent could stand at one end, the other could wait at the other. No cars, no street crossing, in full view of both parents at all times. I would come up with something that makes more sense and go back to court.

I'm kind of in agreeance with everyone else that the terms of this arrangement seem ridiculous. It seems like there would be plenty of better places to arrange a pick up/drop off of a child. 9 year olds should be able to cross the street alone unless, like another poster stated, there are special needs to consider.

Like others have said, do NOTviolate the order under any circumstances. Part of me would say that the parent wanting the change in the order should be the one to do so, but another part of me would say that both parents need to put their own issues aside long enough to exchange a child in a public place without whipping out yard sticks to make sure you don't get near each other. The restraining order obviously isn't involving the child, so it is just the adults who can't be around each other for a few seconds. If it is that big of an issue and there is absolutely no way the parents can be in the vicinity of one another without all hell breaking loose, then find a third party to help out. I had a temporary restraining order against my sons father years ago, and his parents took part in the exchange so that the order wasn't violated. The biggest issues became resolved when the order was no longer in place and we realized we could be adults around our son and put aside everything else for a couple of moments so he wouldn't be exposed to the tension.

In a nice neighborhood with minimal traffic, my five year olds could walk 100 yards by themselves, even if it entailed crossing a street. Your nine year old should be able to too; if she hasn't had to yet - work with her so she's comfortable and confident.

Don't violate the court order. Even if you have a great explanation, the court will not be pleased.

do not violate the court order.
9 years old is not a baby. any 9 year old should be taught how to cross a light-traffic road safely.
khairete
S.

Why does the child have to cross the street when the parent doing the dropping off could park on the same side of the street as the parent picking up?

Whoever wants the court order changed ought to be the one to request the change.

Don't ever violate a court order EVEN IF the other parent is violating it. If the other parent is violating it, then why isn't that being reported?

I take it you are the dad's wife or significant other? Not the mom who is not complying...?

So one parent must be only on one specific corner, and the other parent is dropping off the child across the street from that corner and then wants to walk the child across the street --am I getting that right? Kind of hard to tell.

If that is the case: Why can't mom drop the child 100 yards away from dad's assigned corner but on the SAME side of the street as dad's corner? Why must the child be dropped across the street? The 100 yard buffer zone does not have to include the street -- it could mean one parent staying 100 yards down the sidewalk or curb on the same side of the street as the other parent. Why on earth does the child HAVE to be dropped with a street in between her and dad when mom could drop her on the same side as dad, just 100 yards down the block? And vice versa when dad drops off the girl for mom? Does the court order actually stipulate that the child can only be dropped across the street or does it just say the 100 yard distance has to be maintained?

I know streets I would not let my 12-year-old cross alone -- it's not about her ability, it's about insane drivers around here.

It's sad that any custody arrangement has to come down to issues this petty. Mom can drop her kid 100 yards from dad on the same side of the street and vice versa, or both parties can find another totally new place to drop off where they can maintain the 100 yard distance -- without any streets nearby. Try a park or other location and get it in the order so it's all legal. The mom and dad need to focus on safety and ease for the child. Sad.

Your question is a little confusing, but one shouldn't violate stay away orders. However, sometimes it can't be helped during exchanges.

For instance, there was a period of time that my ex-husband and I did exchanges in the police department parking lot. It wasn't considered a violation for him to park next to me or walk our son to my car as long as he didn't take the opportunity to threaten or harass me. My ex was not allowed near my house, but when I had a broken leg and couldn't drive, he parked up at the corner and my son walked to him. I went out in the driveway on my crutches and watched my son walk. His dad's truck was in clear view.
So....sometimes things have to be adjusted a bit.

I would think a nine year old should be perfectly fine crossing a street on their own. But again, as long as exchanges aren't used as a harassment tool, the exact 100 feet thing can have allowable exceptions.

I live in California and we have always had to go to mediation before any changes to our orders are considered in hopes that parents can just agree to changes without wasting the court's time. This might be a question for the mediators through your family law court.

We had to change pick up and drop off times and locations. As long as dad and I agreed and were comfortable with it, it wasn't a problem and the mediators filed an addendum to our orders.

If you are in a nice neighborhood with minimal traffic, I don't see the issue with a 9 year old crossing the street without an adult. The parent can watch with the child and when it is safe, send the child across the street alone. I don't see any reason to go to the hassle of modifying anything.

In my opinion, this is an unfortunate situation created by mom (a control thing). She wanted distance but has solidified maturity level and created unnecessary confusion and stress on my stepdaughter. We live a block and a half a way. The drop off and pick up point (court ordered for Dad to be at this spot and monitor his daughter) is at a specific intersection (the end of our street). Mom is done the street, on the other end of the cross street (same side of street where dad stands) with a street to cross in between. Yesterday, I suggested to the mom to cross the street in front of her house instead of what she's been doing and we will cross our street to be on the same side so her daughter will have always cross the street with an adult. Her daughter is not special needs. She's very bright, intelligent and intuitive. Her mom lets her ride her bike on the street and around her block. I was hoping to implement this at yesterdays pick up. All three of us (excluding her daughter) have to abide by this order. She ignored my text. She chose to violate the court order. She has NEVER complied with it in more than one way. I do not think she wants resolve. I think she is causing trouble and wants it to look like we are harassing her. It puts me in an awkward position when it happens to me as well. Now my husband and I both make reports to have it on file. Its just frustrating and ridiculous. I suggested she make changes with the court order to something more reasonable if she was going to continue not to comply. It is a sad situation and my husband is so over it. I encourage him, no matter what, do not break the court order.

No one has the authority to go against a court order so your attorney needs to set up the exchange at someplace else. Like the park or the police department parking lot, etc....they see a lot of exchanges on Sunday evenings....lol.

I suggest that one parent stay in the middle of the block and the other parent walk the child across the street. The returning parent could do the street crossing so they can have that last few minutes to visit with their child.